My One Regret

by Krissy V

  “It’s fine. It’s the first time I’ve felt safe since ... well you know,” I say.

  He rolls onto his back taking his arm with him. I feel cold and it feels like he is withdrawing from me, it gives me a sense of loss. “Come on, we need to get up, we’ve got a lot to do today,” he says and jumps out of the bed.

  I roll onto my back and say, “just another minute please”. He reaches down and pulls the duvet off me and runs out the door.

  “No way. No time for being lazy today.”

  “Oh you’re so going to get it Jordan when I catch you.” I say jumping out of the bed and running after him. He’s down the stairs before I can catch up with him and he is on the other side of the dining table. I go one way, he goes the other, then he starts to slow down, I think he wants to be caught.

  I run up to him and jump on his back and put my arms around his chest. It hurts when I jump and I didn’t really think about it before I did it, then the pain hits me. “You’re not that fast Jordan.” He’s laughing and he sets me down again. He turns to look at me and I swear we have a moment. A moment where everything goes silent and you can hear our hearts beating.

  “You can go and put the coffee on, seeing as I caught you,” I say to break the heat between us. It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, but I don’t know his circumstances, we haven’t talked about his family or personal life...

  We have coffee and Jordan makes me eat a good breakfast, then we go into the lounge and sit on the couch. I sit at one end and Jordan sits at the other end, but he sits facing me with one leg bent up on the couch and his arm along the back of the couch. He is rubbing the couch with his hand, its strangely erotic. I can see his sleeve of tattoos and I trace them with my finger. I look up at him and he is watching me with a smirk on his face.

  “Tell me about your tattoo’s, I never thought you would be the type to have so many. When did you have your first one?” I keep my finger on his arm, outlining each and every one of them.

  He smiles, I don’t know if that’s because he’s ticklish or because he is thinking about his first tattoo.

  “I had my first one the day after I left the last message on your answer phone in San Francisco. Do you want to see it?” I nod, not taking my eyes off him.

  I watch him as he slowly lifts his t-shirt to reveal a lot of tattoos, I gasp at all the colours and the amount of them. He looks me in the eye before pointing at a very small one just under his heart. It says ‘Our souls will meet again,” and there, where there should be an exclamation mark is an infinity symbol vertically with ‘Cassie’ at the top of the left circle and ‘Jordan’ at the bottom of the right circle. I take my finger and trace the outline of the symbol, it’s beautiful. He starts moving as it is obviously tickling him.

  He reaches out, takes my hand and holds it flat over the tattoo. “I needed to keep a piece of you close to my heart. I always said that our souls would meet again, Cassie.”

  “It’s beautiful. I bet it has been hard to explain to all the women in your life.” I laugh. Secretly I don’t want to know, but I am curious.

  He smiles, “yes it was awkward at times. Some of the women were jealous of ‘Cassie’ because I wouldn’t brand my body with their names. It wasn’t a stupid thing to do because I always knew we would meet again. We were destined to be in each other’s lives.”

  I can feel his heart start to quicken under my touch, he is staring at me with those beautiful turquoise eyes. My heart is racing too. I need to pull myself together, but I can’t look away.

  He lets go of my hand and I continue to look at his tattoos and he tells me about some of them, what they mean and when he had them done.

  We both go quiet for a while and then he says, “So, we need to talk about counseling.”

  I hold my finger up to him “No, I want to talk first please. I need to tell you something and see what you think.”

  I turn around to face him on the couch. “OK, I know this might sound silly to you, but when I was on a plane to Disneyworld before Chad died, you know who he was don’t you?” He nods at me, looking quite sad.

  “Well, I was reading the inflight magazine and there was an article about a charity called PEBBLES. It caught my attention because that’s the name of our favourite café, I read it and it was really interesting. It’s for people who had been abused or sexually abused. They, not only have counsellors to help victims, but have other services to help girls, boys, women and men who have been in these type of situations.”

  Jordan is just looking at me listening, not even attempting to interrupt. I had better finish what I am going to say. “When I read the article it brought back memories of David and what he did to me when I was at school. After what I did, if it wasn’t for my friends and being able to talk openly about it, I don’t know what I would have done. Well maybe we do.”

  I can’t look him in the eye, but I know he is staring at me. “I found it a really interesting article and I suppose because of it’s name, it made it more poignant. I had said to myself that I was going to contact them and see if there was anything I could do for them to help spread awareness for them. I didn’t do anything about it at the time because of everything that happened on that trip. However, when Bonnie and I were on our way to Vegas, I saw the same article and it really spoke to me. It was like the articles were put there for me to do something about them.”

  He still hasn’t tried to speak, so I carry on. “So, when I was in Vegas, I sent an anonymous donation of £200,000 to the charity to help with their services.” Jordan is sitting with his mouth open.

  “Cassie, wow, I can’t believe it.”

  “I haven’t finished yet Jordan. I gave my notice on my job in America the other day. I’m moving back home and I’ve decided to write my own book. I have been dabbling in writing for years now and think I want to give it a go. I don’t want it to be a regret that I didn’t try it. I am financially stable so I can do this. However, when you mentioned counselling yesterday I got to thinking about how I’d like to have counselling through the charity PEBBLES. Then eventually, I want to volunteer with them to help others who have to cope with what I’ve been through. Hopefully it will make their life easier. What do you think?”

  I look at him and he is just staring at me. He leans towards me and kisses me on the lips. “Sorry if that freaks you out, but you are the most selfless person I have ever met. The fact that you gave to this charity, you want to offer your services, to listen to other people’s stories and help them is amazing.” He leans back, I’m still thinking about his lips on mine, wow, that was amazing.

  “OK, it’s my time to talk now,” he says with a smile on his face. “First of all you are an amazing woman, to give that amount of money to a charity is phenomenal and to do it anonymously too shows how selfless you are. A lot of people want recognition for any charity work they do. You, however, want to do it as a benefit to other victims.”

  He takes a breath. “I need to tell you a bit about what I have been doing since you left. As you know, I went to Toronto and my contract was extended and I stayed there for a few years. When it was time to come home, I decided I didn’t want to come back to Newquay because you wouldn’t be here.” I blush when he says that.

  “I never got over you Cassie, I went to London and stayed with friends for a while, then I was left some money by an uncle I forgot I even had. I bought a place in London and decided that I wanted to do something worthwhile with my money, but I wanted to do something that would help others who have been abused or sexually abused. I wanted to help these victims because I couldn’t help you anymore; you weren’t here for me to help. You weren’t mine anymore.”

  I sit there looking at him, is he telling me what I think he is telling me? “I set up PEBBLES so that I could help others who had suffered like you had. We offer counselling services; we offer relocation, if necessary; we help them to integrate into groups; help them with jobs; build their confidence and make them feel more at home in their environments.
I have helped a lot of boys, girls, men and women and every time I do, I think about you.”

  He moves closer to me on the couch, I can feel my heart beat rising again. “I received your donation and didn’t know it was from you, Bonnie told me about it when she came home. She knows all about my charity, she helps out sometimes too. In fact her and Jezza help out a lot. I’m just glad I can help others, you were my inspiration for that Cassie, you!”

  “Wow Jordan!” I stand up and pace the room not knowing what to say.

  He stands up and walks towards me. “Cassie, I never forgot you; I know our relationship is different now from the way it was back then, but I hope I can be in your life as your best friend and I’d love for you to volunteer with us. Joyce is actually one of our local counsellors who helps out, she is very good. I know she will be able to help you too.”

  “Jordan, I never forgot you either. I’m so touched that you would do all of that because of what happened to me all those years ago. It means so much to me. Do my Mum and Dad know?” I ask.

  “Yes they do, they help out too when we have activities or events,” he looks sheepish.

  I walk over to him and take both his hands in mine, “Jordan you are an amazing man and I would be delighted to call you my best friend.” Then I hug him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in tightly to him. I feel a little sad that he just wants to be my friend, but then I have been through a lot. I don’t know how I would feel if he has a girlfriend.

  “Jordan, can I ask you something?”

  He’s still hugging me and rubbing his hands up and down my back. “MMM mmm,” he says.

  “Are you sure you can spare the time to be here with me? Don’t you have to work or ... don’t you ... don’t you have a family you have to go home to?” I falter when I ask the last question.

  I brace myself for his reply. “I’ve taken time off work, there are other people who can help in my absence. They know how to get hold of me if they need to. As for family; I have all the family I need right here, Cassie. You ARE my family. You will always be my family and I will do whatever it takes to make you enjoy life again.” He kisses the top of my head.

  I step back a little and then my phone rings, breaking the moment we were having. I see it is Mum calling. “I’d better get that before she starts panicking,” I smile to let him know that I’m sad I have to move out of his arms.

  “Hi Mum, yes I’m good. We’ve had breakfast and were just talking about counselling. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about the charity and it being something that Jordan set up.”

  “Are you mad with me?”

  “No I’m not mad. How can I be when you all give so much to help him with it.”

  “Would you and Jordan like to come over later, so we talk about this now that you know about the Charity?”

  “Yes, we can come over to yours, but I’m going to lunch with Bonnie. We will come round in a few hours.” I put the phone down and then turn around to look at Jordan. “She wants us to go over later, is that ok with you? I’m not putting you out am I? Did you have something else planned?” I ask.

  “No, I had nothing planned, although I would like you to talk to Joyce. She can come over here or you can go and meet her, whichever suits you the best. I know you probably think you don’t need to, but its best to talk it through with a third party.” He smiles at me, I know he thinks I won’t do this, but I will do it for him and for me.

  “Its fine, she can come here if she wants. You can stay too if you want, I don’t have any secrets from you Jordan.” I smile sheepishly at him.

  “I’d like that, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable Cassie, I have spoken to Joyce myself about the way the whole situation affected me.” I didn’t think about how it affected anyone else, I wonder how it did affect him. “She does know how I feel, but if you want me to stay then I will.” He comes over and says “now go and get dressed, I can only look at you in those little shorts for a short period of time.” He grins and wiggles his eyebrows up and down. I laugh and run up the stairs to get dressed, feeling happier than I have in years.

  I stop to think about that while I get dressed, I wasn’t this happy when I was with Chad, was I? I was always trying to be someone else because I didn’t want my memories to come back and I didn’t want to cloud anyone else’s life with my issues. I had never told Chad about David and I don’t think I ever would have. That Cassie was not the woman that Chad knew. Our relationship was always comfortable, but it was always at his pace and I was willing to just be carried along with whatever he wanted and not really thinking about anything. It was easier that way! I did love Chad though, he helped me to become the woman I am today. He made me push past my insecurities and made me do things that were out of my comfort zone. It made him happy when I managed to do them, it made me happy too. I finish getting dressed and go back downstairs where Jordan is dressed and waiting for me.

  “I’ve spoken to Joyce and she is on her way over. You can change your mind and I can go if you want to talk to her on your own.”

  He looks nervous, I just look at him and say, “Jordan I wouldn’t ask anyone to stay and listen to all this if they don’t want to. But I don’t want just anyone; I want you to stay, but only if you’re comfortable.”

  “Of course I’ll stay Cassie, I want to be with you and I want to help you, but more than that I want to be here FOR you.” He comes over and hugs me. “Come on let’s make coffee and sit outside until Joyce comes over.” He releases me and walks into the kitchen to put the coffee percolator on.

  He makes the coffee and then comes and joins me on the veranda. He gives me my cup and then sits down just staring out at the sea. I wonder what he is thinking about, I don’t get chance to find out as the front door bell rings and he gets up to answer the door.

  “Hi Joyce, sorry about yesterday. It was a bad day, but I’m ready now” I say glancing over to Jordan. He has made her a cuppa and brought it outside to her.

  “It’s fine Cassie, I understand. I’m sure you know by now that I work for PEBBLES and I know your history. I also know that you’re in very capable hands with Jordan here,” Joyce says and I can feel myself blushing. I can’t help but look over at him and smile when he lifts his head to look at me.

  “I know he is staying with you to help you get through this quicker, but if you need to talk to me without Jordan here, then just call me ok?”

  I nod my head and say, “Yes Joyce I understand, although I have no secrets from Jordan.” I look at him and smile.

  We spend the next hour just talking about David and what happened the first time, years ago. How he had obsessed on me and the fact that I hadn’t done anything to encourage him. He must have been slightly imbalanced, even back then. It seems he had been thinking about me and he’d even been to San Francisco looking for me after I had left for New York. Thank god he didn’t find me. He’d made it his life’s work to find me.

  We were only just touching on what happened the other week when it was time to go to Bonnie’s. I say goodbye to Joyce and I while Jordan is showing her out, I sit staring at the sea it’s such a tranquil place up here looking down at the sea just washing in and out over the sand.

  He comes back outside to me quietly and comes up behind my chair. “Are you ok Cassie? You did really well, do you know how proud of you I am?” he leans down and kisses the top of my head.

  I tilt my head up to look at him and say, “thanks Jordan that means so much to me.” I can’t help looking at his lips, he sees me looking and leans down and kisses my forehead.

  “Come on, it’s time to go to Bonnie’s and see this venue,” he grabs my hand and starts to drag me to the front door.

  “Wait up, I don’t have as long legs as you,” I say laughing.

  He slows down and we leave the house, making sure it’s locked up before we get into Jordan’s car. He drives to Bonnie’s house and we go in. She is so excited. “Cassie, wait until you see this place it’s amazing,” her enth
usiasm is catching and I can’t wait to see it. “Jezza and Jordan are coming too hope you don’t mind,” she says.

  “Not at all, the more than merrier,” I say smiling at Jordan.

  Jezza drives us to the Atlantic Hotel. We explain that we would like to see the room for weddings and ask if they can show us around. Bonnie is right, it’s an amazing hotel, I can just see her in her wedding dress walking down the aisle to Jezza stood at the altar waiting for her. I’ll be in front of her walking down towards Jordan. Wow, where did that come from? I can’t let my thoughts drift there, we are friends and that’s it. We stop for lunch in the restaurant and we get to try some of the wedding food, it is such a great afternoon, we laugh and have fun and it makes me feel extremely grateful for my friends.

  Bonnie and Jezza go to talk to the wedding coordinator about dates and wedding things. Jordan and I walk outside and sit down, looking at the sea, which looks like it surrounds the hotel. It really is an amazing place. We sit quietly and don’t say a word, then I have to break the silence.

  “Jordan, I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me, I really do. You’ll never know how much this means to me.” I can’t look at him because I have tears in my eyes, I realise that I love him so much it hurts. I don’t want him to do this because he feels sorry for me, I hope he’s doing it because he loves me too.

  He comes and kneels in front of me and takes my hands. “Cassie, I’m doing this because I want to. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. I need to know that you are ok.”

  He’s still kneeling in front of me when I hear, “Jordan are you proposing or something down there on one knee.” Its Jezza and he’s laughing.

  “No I’m not” Jordan says. “It will be far more romantic than that when I propose,” he says looking in my eyes.

  “Have you both sorted everything out? Do they have the date you want?” I say, we both look expectantly at Bonnie, she starts smiling and nodding her head. I jump up out of my chair and run over to her and grab her in the biggest hug ever. “I’m so happy for you. Right Bonnie, we need to write a list of things to do. When are you coming over? How about tomorrow for dinner? Then we can start planning.” I know I’m gushing, but I’m so excited.