by Silla Webb
Carly Jo squats down and whispers in her ear, sendin’ Heidi Jo into a fit of giggles. "Goodnight, Daddy, I love you. Goodnight, Carly Jo." Heidi Jo says as she bounces down the hall to the bathroom.
We drive in silence to her house. The tension between us is so thick, you can cut it with a knife. As soon as we pull into her driveway, she jumps from the truck and stalks toward the house. I follow suit, quickly on her heels. She goes straight to the kitchen, grabbin’ a fifth of Jack Daniels and a shot glass from the cabinet. She pours herself a shot and tosses it back, her face scrunchin’ as the hot sour fluid trails down her throat. She motions the bottle in my direction and I shake my head no.
In one swift movement she smashes the bottle down on the counter and glass shards fly into the air as an ear piercin’ scream erupts from her tiny frame. I'm at her side in two strides, pullin’ her close to me. She keeps me at arm-length and begins poundin’ her small fist into my chest. Screams and cries escape her as she continues to last out. Finally her legs go limp, and she slides down my body into a crumpled heap on the floor.
I sit next to her and pull her into my lap. I brush her long brown hair away from her damp face and rain kisses down all over her forehead as she continues to cry. I don't know how long we sit, tangled together in each other’s arms, but I try to comfort her the best I can. This is what Carly Jo needs to do to heal. If it takes her beatin’ the ever lovin’ shit outta me for her to heal then I'm all for it.
Suddenly, she untangles herself from my embrace, stands and walks into the livin’ room. I follow behind her like a lost puppy, and sit down on the couch. She paces back and forth for a few minutes, wipin’ her snotty face roughly on the sleeve of her shirt, before she finally works up the courage to ask the one question that's eatin’ at her heart. "How old is she?"
I lean my head back on the soft cushion of the couch and pinch the bridge of my nose, tryin’ to suppress the anxiety that lurks behind the walls of my chest. "Heidi Jo is six-years-old."
"When was she born, Colton?"
"January 21st 2008."
"Where is her mom?"
"She died givin’ birth to Heidi Jo. I've raised her since the day she was born."
"Who was she, Colton? Say her damn name NOW!" Carly Jo yells.
"Kari White. I don't think you knew her. I met her at a party."
"So you left me for her? Why, Colton? What did she have that I didn't? I thought you loved me, I thought we would always be together, for life. Colton, my soul belonged to you until you ripped it out of my chest and shattered it with your bare freakin’ hands."
At that burst of anger, I fall apart. The truth spews from my mouth like a foul vomit.
"Damn it, NO! I never left you. What happened with Kari and me, happened one freakin’ time and that was it. I was at a party, drunk off my ass and lit from snorting coke. But somehow friggin' Big John found out and black mailed me. He said no cheatin' bastard deserved his daughter and that if I didn't break up with you that he'd make me take a piss test. He knew I was on pain meds for my knee, but he also knew I had a drug addiction. He knew more about me than I did. But it didn't matter because as soon as you left, Carly Jo, he fired my ass anyways.” I grip my fists, tryin’ to control my anger. “You were gone and I had lost every damn thing in my life that mattered. I didn't expect you to run Carly Jo. When you left, I lost half of my heart, half of my soul. Why did you run? Why the hell did you have to stay away for seven damn years? My God, darlin’, think of all the time we lost! I know I screwed up, but I did it to protect you!" With this confession I break. I run my fingers through my hair and release a deep rattlin’ roar as the tears break free.
"Just go, Colton." Carly Jo whispers. I raise my head from the grip of my palms and look at her in disbelief. She wants answers, but am I not deservin’ enough to hear the answers to my own questions?
"Hell NO! This ends here, tonight. All this shit between us, all these damn lies and buried secrets, it all comes out. I want answers too, Carly Jo, and damn it, I'm gonna get ‘em! "
Carly
One word. That is all it took for my heart to crack a little more. Daddy.
One look. That is all it took for my world to come shattering down around me.
Waves of dark brown hair flow down her small back. Her face is chunky and round, with light freckles sprinkled across her nose, and deep set dark brown eyes, sparkle back up at me. As soon as my eyes meet the sweet innocent face of Heidi Jo Weston, I know in that moment why Colton left me. Why he left us. He found someone new. Why wasn't I enough? I always loved him with every ounce of breath within me, wasn't it enough? So I guess now he wants me back since he's grown bored with his life? What kind of game is he playing?
Heidi Jo walks up and hugs me which instantly melts my heart. She is a spunky little sass, so full of life, so full of love.
We carry on the evening with dinner, and a sweet treat. We even had a sweet old couple compliment how precious our little family is, which saddened my spirit. After taking Heidi Jo home, Colton and I drive back to my house in dead silence. Rage boils deep within my blood. By the time we pull into the driveway, I’m about to combust.
I go inside, and literally lose my shit. Grabbing a fifth of Jack I slam back the warm smooth liquid in one instant then smash the bottle across the counter. From that point, I just remember a lot of crying and screaming.
Colton cheated on me. Daddy found out, and to protect me, he black mailed Colton into breaking up with me? What the hell! This is all so screwed up. Is there anyone in my life who isn’t twisted and corrupt? Anyone who isn’t dead set on ripping my heart out of my chest, tearing it to shreds while it lifelessly pumps its last few beats. How is my heart still beating?
Not able to sustain any more pain, I ask Colton to leave. "Just go, Colton." He raises his head from the grip of his palms and looks at me, with such disbelief.
"Hell NO! This ends here, tonight. All this shit between us, all these damn lies and buried secrets, it all comes out. I want answers too, Carly Jo, and damn it, I'm gonna get ‘em!"
“Answers to what, Colton?”
“Why the hell did you leave?”
“Because you hurt me. I needed to get away, I needed time to clear my head.” I lie, but I am terrified to tell him the truth.
“LIES, Carly Jo, I know you better than that! It took you seven damn years to clear your head? Come clean already, damn it! I want to know the truth, damn it I deserve to know the truth.” Colton yells as he clinches his fists as his sides.
He’s right. I’ve kept this demon buried deep within my soul for far too long, and nobody, at all, knows this buried secret. I can feel the bile crawling from my stomach, as I rush to the toilet to expel the food that comes along for the ride. Colton is right at my side, pulling back my wavy hair. I wrap my arms around my waist, and take a moment to calm the trembling, before I stand to brush my teeth.
As I walk into the living room, Colton is waiting, arms wide open, and welcomes me into his lap. Without hesitation, I climb into his lap, and rest my head upon his rock hard chest. We sit together for a long while, tangled up in each other’s arms, just enjoying the silence.
Finally, Colton breaks the barrier, with a light whisper, “Carly Jo, we need to heal. Please darlin’, let us heal together. I need you, you are the other half of my heart, the other half of my soul. Whatever it is, just say it. I need to hear it.” Colton’s plead is gut wrenching. I can’t stand the thought of hurting him any longer.
“The mornin’ I left, I wasn’t feeling well. I woke up, nauseous and vomiting. Somethin’ felt off. At first, I couldn’t put my finger on it, then when I glanced at the calendar on my phone, I realized I was late. So, I ran out to the pharmacy, and bought a pregnancy test.” Colton’s eyes are wide with fear.
“I was pregnant. I had no intentions on leavin’, but I was scared. I went to the mines to see Daddy, expectin’ him to understand my dilemma. Boy was I wrong! He laughed in my face, told me that there was no way
in hell he was going to raise Colton Weston’s bastard child. I was crushed. Daddy was my life, next to you. I didn’t know where else to turn. So I lost my shit, and ran.”
Colton stares off into oblivion for a few moments, before I try to pull him back to reality. “Colton, please say something.”
“You were pregnant? Why didn’t you come to me, Carly Jo?! I was there, why didn’t you come to me?”
“I was scared.”
“You still should have come to me, damn it!”
“Colton, you broke up with me the day before. Daddy was so cold and mean to me. Refused to help me at all. I felt alone and afraid. I didn’t know what else to do. So, I packed my things and left. I went to the only place I knew as well as Williamstown; Myrtle Beach. I thought that if anyone loved me, they would come to look for me. But nobody ever came. After a couple weeks, I started my life over, all alone.”
Colton’s body immediately becomes rigid and tense, sweat beading at his forehead. He bites down, then takes a deep breath, before speaking.
“Sweetheart, that was seven years ago. Where the hell is my child?”
Tears immediately sting, then free fall from my swollen lids. Chest wracking sobs escape my chest, as I shake uncontrollably. Colton wraps his arms tight around me and tries to slow his heavy breaths.
“Carly Jo, please, honey. What happened to the baby, I need to know!” Colton cries.
“I-I l-l-lost it.”
All of the blood drains from Colton’s face, as he begins to gasp for air. Taking a few deep breaths, he clinches his teeth together, begging me for answers. “Carly Jo, darlin’, what do you mean, you lost it? Did you have a miscarriage?”
Another rush of rage rips through me, as I think back to the day I woke up alone in the hospital after I had been beaten and raped; as I think back to the baby that I lost. I rip away from Colton’s embrace, standing in front of him, I begin to yell my confession at him, shouting to the heavens for everyone to hear.
“I was beaten. I was raped. I was stripped of the one sweet love in my life that I truly deserved, that would have loved me unconditionally. I’ll never be able to hold my child. I’ll never be able to nurse her! I’ll never be able to cuddle her, love her! I’ll never be able to watch her play in our back yard! I’ll never be able to watch her grow into a young lady. NEVER. And it’s all your damn fault, you damn bastard! If it weren’t for you, I would have never left Williamstown, I would have never been there in that parking lot that night to be attacked. I would have never experienced so much heartache, so much desperation, so much loss. But I did, all because of you, you damn son of a bitch. You ruined my life! You left me broken! You caused me to lose my child!”
Just as Colton stands, reaching for me, my right fist connects with his left jaw. His head whips back, but he reacts quickly. Wrapping my tiny wrists between his large hands, he pulls me towards him, wrapping his solid arms around my waist. An overwhelming gush of tears release from my eyes, as I scream gut wrenching cries for the child I lost.
Pulling me back down onto the couch, Colton tightens me deep in his arms, as he nuzzles his face in the nook of my neck, bawling his eyes like a baby. I have cried relentless tears for our child over these last seven years, but being able to mourn together with Colton helps bring closure to the loss.
But, seeing him with Heidi Jo, knowing that he has a daughter, that isn’t mine, is just a slap to the face. That thought cracks my heart a little harder, and I truly don’t know how I will ever recover from all of the lies, secrets, and heartache that Colton Weston has consumed me with.
I rub my sleepy eyes, my face still tender from the emotional meltdown Colton and I shared tonight. Raising my head, I see that Colton is still here, with his arms wrapped tight around me. Breaking free from his embrace I go to the kitchen for a bottled water. My body drained itself tonight from any and all liquid it was storing, in the form of my shed tears. My god, I had no clue one could cry so much. I see the mess I created with the fifth of liquor and decide to busy myself, cleaning it up. Cleaning always steadies my thoughts. I grab a box from the garage, and begin to sift through the broken glass, careful not to cut myself. The stench of alcohol takes my breath, and causes my stomach to churn. I clean the mess up quickly, trying to be ever so quiet.
Just as I turn to toss the last Lysol and Jack laced paper towel in the trash, I see Colton leaning lazily against the counter, rubbing heavy eyes.
“Oh shit, you scared me!”
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to fall asleep on ya,” Colton says, scrubbing his face roughly with his hands.
“I think we both dozed off, it’s no worries.” I was hoping that sharing our secrets tonight, would clear the tension between the two of us, but honestly, it feels more intense. Maybe we were wrong, uncovering the truth.
“Well, I guess I’ll get goin’, gotta get home to get ready for work. I’ll see ya around at the mines.” Colton replies as he walks towards the front door. He pulls on his boots, and walks out the door, not even taking the chance to look back at me. I walk to the front window, and watch as Colton beats the steering wheel of his truck in a fit of rage. He looks up, and sees me in the window. Dropping his head in defeat, he roars the engine to life, and backs out of the driveway.
I lock the front door behind him, then crawl up on the couch, enveloping the scent that Colton has left behind. My heart, heavy with loss, decides to release another round of tears. Curling my knees to my chest, I cry myself to sleep.
Chapter 11
Carly
Bitter. Hurt. Depressed. I could give you the entire damn emotional dictionary right now, and I’d probably be feeling every damn bit of it, in some way. I would kill to numb the pain, to erase the heartache. But it’s a plague I must live with, something that will follow me around the rest of my life, haunting my dreams, waking me in terrors each night.
How the hell do I move on? The day after Colton and I spilled ten kinds of hell onto each other, depression set in, and I slept the day away, waking up the next evening at five o’clock, still on the couch, exactly where I was when he left me. My stomach rolled in achy pain from unsettled nerves and the lack of food, but I simply didn’t care. I left the couch, made a pit stop in the bathroom, then I found my way to my bedroom, where I have spent the last seven days, in a dark depression. I’ve cried every damn last tear I can cry.
I’m mad that Colton cheated on me. I’m hurt that Colton left me, through extortion via my jackass Daddy, may he rest in peace. I am devastated that Colton has a daughter, a daughter that we will never share. She is so beautiful, her springy brown curls bouncing as she runs to jump into Colton’s arms.
Damn it! Why couldn’t that have been MY baby? Why did I have to lose her? My heart will never be empty of tears for that angel. Never.
Sleep this last week has been very elusive. It seems telling Colton about the rape, has reawakened the nightmares, and I just can’t relive that horror every night. Then, as I lay awake, all I can think about is the what-ifs. What if I could have pleased Colton, and kept him happy? What if Daddy would have minded his damn business? What if I’d never ran off to Myrtle Beach? What if I’d had our baby? Would we be living our happily ever after? Is there even such a thing as a happily ever after? Ugh, the constant yammering in my head. When I sleep, I dream. When I’m awake, I think. I don’t want to do either.
Finally, I can’t suffer any more. So I take two Tylenol PM, chasing it with some Jack, praying that I can just rest a peaceful solitude of dream. No horrific nightmares. Just rest. No thinking involved. Just rest. Sleep captures me and carries me away to a blissful land of solitude. I don’t know how long I’m out for, but when I awake, I feel revived.
Rubbing my heavy eyes, I roll over in my plush soft bed, and see the sunlight glisten against the ceiling as the morning greets me. Tossing the heavy comforter away, I climb out of the bed, and pad to the bathroom.
Turning the shower on, I let the white steam fill the room, before stepping in. The hot l
iquid runs down my back, easing the achy knots, courtesy of lying in bed, sulking over the last week. Damn crybaby. God, how pathetic am I?! Colton broke me once, but I was just a girl then. It took me a while to get over it all, but I did, eventually. Now I’m letting him break me down, again. Hell no. I won’t stand for it. I’m a tough bitch, and I refuse to let him unravel my heart strings once again. It’s time to move on, and find the happiness I lost the moment I stepped foot back into this Podunk town. I wash away the stink, depression, and the heartache, stepping out of the shower, feeling somewhat refreshed.
Pulling on some comfy sweats, and tossing my hair into a wet, messy pony tail, I decide to start cleaning house. The kitchen still wreaks of alcohol, so I start there, armed with gloves and bleach.
After thoroughly cleaning the downstairs, I go upstairs to start cleaning. I strip the linens from my bed, and throw them down the stairs, followed by a pile of laundry. I dust every nook and cranny of my bedroom, followed by vacuuming, and refreshing the curtains with a delightful clean linen scented fabric spray.
Every turn I make, I keep eyeing the oak chest, and I am drawn to pillage through it to unveil the contents. Stricken with worry of what secrets it may contain, I decide to keep cleaning the house. After all, I do have to return back to work tomorrow, and won’t have time to keep the house up. I’ve bleached the bathrooms, dusted every picture and knick knack in the house, swept and mopped the floors. The house is sparkling clean, and in a record time of five hours, which isn’t too bad for such a big house. Falling back onto the soft microfiber couch, I exhale a deep breath of exhaustion from my hard day of labor.
I glance over to the end table and see that the notification light on my phone is blinking, so I decide that now is as good a time as any to check all of the missed calls and texts messages that I’ve accumulated over the last seven days. Several calls from the mines, several calls and text messages from Savannah, and a couple of text messages from Colton. Damn it. Deciding not to fall back into the slump, I toss my phone into the recliner across the room, and jump up to remove the laundry from the dryer. Gotta stay busy Carly Jo, or you just might break.
