Not Sorry

by Ella Miles

  No, that’s not true. I know exactly why it makes me so upset.

  One, because I care about Sean far more than I hate him.

  Two, I know I’m the real reason that Jamie and Sean are no longer together.

  It all comes back to me.

  The endless nights of listening to Jamie talk about her baby, honey, sweetheart. It took me a while to connect the dots because she hardly ever used his real name when talking about him when they were together.

  I try to push the thought out of my head, but I can’t. I broke them up. I just didn’t realize it at the time.

  They were perfect for each other, and I ruined it. And, now, I’m making it worse by fucking Sean. Jamie will never be able to forgive me, and I can’t handle being in any more of her debt.

  How do I tell Sean the truth? How do I give him up? How can I fix this now that Jamie is pregnant with another man’s baby?

  I can’t.

  That’s the only thing I know for sure. There is no way to fix this. What’s done is done. I just have to figure out how to move on from this.

  I take a deep breath and wipe my tears off on the back of my hand. I fluff my hair before I turn around and walk back inside the building. I don’t take the elevator. I take the stairs, needing time to think as I climb each step.

  I step out onto the floor where there’s a whole crew of people shooting the film, not paying any attention to me. I scan the crowd, looking for Sean but don’t immediately see him. I wander around on the floor, continuing to look for him while taking everything in.

  “He’s not here,” a woman’s voice says.

  I turn around and realize that the woman is talking to me. She’s beautiful with long, long blonde hair, and when I see the robe wrapped around her body, I realize instantly that she’s the woman from the film.

  “Who?” I ask.

  “Sean. He’s not here. That’s who you are looking for. You’re his new girlfriend.”

  “I’m not sure I would say that. More like his new plaything for a little while.”

  The woman laughs. “If you are just his plaything, then why did he bring you here? He hardly ever brings women here unless he’s serious about them. It’s one of his tests. And you’re failing horribly.”

  I frown. “I know. But I didn’t freak out because of what he does. It’s more complicated than that.”

  She nods. “It always is.”

  “Where is he?”

  The woman glances up, and I know immediately that he retreated to his condo.

  “Thank you,” I say. I run to the elevator and press the button for the top floor.

  “You’re going to need the code to access his floor,” the woman says from behind me.

  I feel in my pockets, but I don’t have my cell phone to text him. It’s with my personal belongings that I left in the car for Sean’s staff to take up to the condo. I have no way to reach him. Shit.

  The elevator doors open, but I don’t know what to do because I can’t reach him even if I step on. The woman steps on and starts entering a code into the panel. I step in behind her and try not to think about the reason she knows the code to access Sean’s floor.

  “Don’t hurt him,” she says as she steps off the elevator.

  I frown. Why does she think that I would hurt him?

  The doors close, and they don’t open again until I reach the top floor.

  When the doors open, I expect another obstacle in my way, preventing me from getting to Sean, but that’s not the case. When the doors open, they open straight to his condo. And it’s the most massive condo I think I’ve ever been inside of. His condo in Chicago isn’t even half of the size of this place.

  But I try not to focus on how massive and beautiful and expensive his place is. I try to focus on the man sitting on the couch with Milo in his lap and a drink on the end table as he stares out the window in silence.

  I know that he knows I’m here because Milo’s head pokes up, looking at me, and there’s no way he didn’t hear the elevator. But, still, I cautiously walk over and take a seat on the other end of the couch, tucking my feet under me. I prepare for a fight of some sort or a breakup to happen even though we were never really together. But he doesn’t say anything to me. He just blankly looks at me, unfeeling.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I say.

  Sean takes a drink of his amber liquor and then says, “Tell me that you hate me.”

  He says what he wants me to say. I know that he brought me here to end whatever was going on between us. But it’s not what he wants. He wants to be with me—or at least, he wants to fuck me again. I’m not sure if he really wants me. He probably wants to be with Jamie.

  “I don’t hate you. I wish I did. It would make everything easier,” I whisper.

  He nods.

  I want to apologize. I want to find a way to fix things, but I can’t. I know that’s not what he wants anyway.

  He just wants me to accept him for who he is. And I do, and I don’t care what he does for a living. But it still doesn’t mean that we can be together. I just don’t know what it means yet.

  I feel entirely exhausted and drained even though I slept for hours on the plane. I feel so tired. I’m tired because I didn’t get much sleep the night before due to my migraine. I’m tired from dealing with Owen. I’m tired of trying to figure Sean out.

  “What’s my final test?” I ask, hoping that shows him that I still approve of him enough to be here.

  He raises an eyebrow, surprised at my question. “You need to hire five actors tomorrow for a new film. The script is on the kitchen counter for you to read through.”

  “I’ll read it before I go to sleep, which I need to do soon,” I say, waiting to hear what he’s going to say. I try not to think about the script that is basically just a sex scene that I’m somehow supposed to audition actors for. Instead, I think about the sleeping part. Am I going to sleep in his bed? Am I going to sleep alone? I don’t have an answer.

  “Like I said, the script is on the counter. You won’t need to be ready until one tomorrow afternoon. That’s when the auditions start. And you can take any of the rooms in this condo.”

  I suck in a breath because he’s not making the decision of where I sleep tonight. I am. I can sleep in his bed if I want, or I can sleep on my own in any of the other beds.

  I get up off the couch and walk over to the kitchen where I pick up the script. Then, I head down the long hallway. I pass door after door, each bedroom all more than acceptable rooms to sleep in. But I don’t stop until I find the door on the end. When I open it, it looks just like his retreat in his Chicago condo.

  I hesitate for a second, knowing that this is just going to make things even more complicated, but I don’t care. I want to sleep with Sean tonight even if there’s no chance we’ll have a tomorrow. So, I walk into his bedroom, and then I wait.

  17

  Sean

  That was the first time that I slept in a bed without fucking a woman first. I probably could have. Olive probably even wanted me to with the way she was lying in my bed, sound asleep, when I came in. She’d climbed into my bed completely naked, and by the time I came in, the covers were halfway down her body, exposing her perfect breasts, begging me to touch them. But I was good—mainly because I didn’t want to wake her up. She looked so peaceful, sleeping in my bed.

  But, now, it’s the next day, and I honestly have no idea where we stand. I thought that bringing her here would make everything clearer. I thought she would return to hating me like she did before, and that would be that. That, no matter how much I wanted to fuck her, she would say no every time, and I’d eventually give up and move on to another woman. But that’s not what happened. Everything became more complicated.

  My dick still wants her. Man, does he want her. I want her lips, her ass, her pussy. I want to push my dick inside every bit of her. But do I want more than just to fuck her? Does she want more? I’m not sure. What would that even look like? How would we
manage a relationship while working together? And I’m still not sure she’s okay with the fact that I sell sex for a living even if it’s not my body I’m selling anymore.

  And there is still a past between her and Jamie that I don’t understand. I tried to get Jamie to tell me this morning when I called her. But she wouldn’t tell me. That could be another complication. And, since Jamie won’t tell me, I’ll have to work on Olive telling me.

  But, for now, I get to push that all aside and just enjoy the afternoon. Because, right now, it’s time for Olive’s final test. I’ve already decided that she’s going to be my manager for me when I’m gone. She’s the only person I trust, and she’s already proven herself more than capable of handling any situation. I still want to do the test today because it’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun to watch her be uncomfortable all afternoon while trying to pretend like she’s not.

  I hand Olive the stack of headshots of the actors. She takes them from me and places them on the table next to the script and her notebook that she has some things scribbled on. I’m guessing she has written interview questions and things like, Remain calm, and, Don’t stare at the guys’ dicks too much.

  “This is your final test, so make sure you really prove to me that you’re capable of leading and taking control of any situation,” I say.

  Olive rolls her eyes at me. “Don’t act like you haven’t already decided who’s going to be the manager. I know I already have the job. And, if I don’t, I’m suing you for sexual harassment,” she says with a smile.

  I grin as I look at her. Then, I lean down, so my lips hover just over her ear, and I whisper, “Cocky. I like it, but just remember how much I enjoy punishing you when you mess up, and remember that we’re in a building full of all sorts of sex toys that you told me earlier you were afraid of. I could use far too many things in this building to punish you, and it would be far too enjoyable for me to make you so uncomfortable that you won’t be able to walk straight for a week.”

  I take a seat in the chair at the table next to her as her eyes follow me. I see the hint of fear but also lust in her eyes at that thought.

  I grin, happy to have made this challenge even harder for her. “Are you ready, Olive?” I ask.

  She nods.

  “We’re ready for the first round of actors!” I shout out the door of the audition room.

  One of my assistants opens the door and lets the first five actors in. I watch as Olive calmly folds her hands together and lays them on the table, watching the actors walk into the room.

  “Can you please tell me your name, a little about yourself, and what your last project was?” Olive says politely to them.

  I don’t pay attention to the actors, just Olive. She listens with a bright smile on her face as each actor introduces themselves. She pulls out each headshot and résumé from the stack as they speak.

  “I’ll now have you act out the first scene,” Olive says without an ounce of hesitation or fear in her voice.

  I keep my eyes on her as actors get in position. But I can see them out of the corner of my eye, stripping most of their clothes off in order to prepare for the scene. The scene is much darker than what she saw yesterday. It’s a gangbang. Four men, one woman. And I don’t know how far she’s gonna want them to take the scene for her to decide who the best people for this job are. There is not really a right or wrong answer, although I usually have them take it far enough that I can decide how well they work together, enough for them to get into the scene and make me believe them.

  Honestly, I don’t care if she picks all the wrong people for this next project. I just want to watch her grow uncomfortable and twist in her chair because I know watching her will drive me wild. I hear them start the scene with some seductive conversation. But Olive doesn’t change her expression. She just calmly sits there, like she’s watching an audition for a musical. The scene progresses, and I know that she is staring at guys holding their dicks as they prepare to fuck the actress.

  But, still, Olive remains calm. Her eyes don’t show any fear or anxiety. Her breathing is calm and relaxed, but there is one tiny thing that gives her away. Her heart. I brush my hand against her leg, and I can feel her pulse beating rapidly through her body.

  I grin. She might be pretending to be calm, but this is driving her wild inside.

  She stops the scene a minute later, and I glance over to see where she stopped it—the exact moment after each of the men have had a chance to interact with the girl. It’s where I would have stopped them as well.

  “Thank you all for coming. We will get back to you within the next couple of hours,” Olive says, standing out of her chair and extending her hand. As she does, her chair falls backward, making a loud clash.

  One of the men whom she’s holding out her hand to, who is still standing completely naked and covered in sweat—among other things—says with a grin, “I don’t think you want to shake my hand right now.”

  She retracts her hand. “You’re probably right,” she says, wincing. “It was nice to meet you all,” she says, sitting back down after picking up her chair.

  I can’t help but laugh at her just a little.

  She playfully punches me in the arm. “Stop laughing. You have to admit, I handled that pretty well, and I don’t think I’m ever going to come across a situation like this ever again in my life.”

  I keep laughing because I can’t help it until she gives me a serious look. I stop it as the next few actors come into the room.

  The process repeats over and over again, but every time, I look to see if it still affects her. And, every time, her heart still races in her chest, and her blood still pumps quickly throughout her body, letting me know that, despite her cool exterior, the auditions are driving her wild.

  The last actors finally leave, and then I ask, “So, who would you pick?”

  She digs through the headshots and places the third group out on the table.

  “This group. But, if I’m allowed to exchange some actors from different groups, then I’d replace this guy with this guy from the first group,” she says, pointing to the various headshots.

  I nod, entirely agreeing with her.

  “Did I pass? Do I get the job?” she asks, crossing her arms and leaning back in the chair.

  I scrunch my lips together, pretending to think about it for a couple of minutes, watching her frown, which in turn makes me laugh. “Yes, the job is yours. You’re the only one I trust to be me when I’m gone.”

  She jumps up and throws her arms around me. She firmly kisses me on the lips, surprising us both.

  “What was that for?” I ask when she slowly pulls away.

  “Sorry. I guess watching people have sex all afternoon has made me a bit horny,” she says, blushing for the first time all afternoon.

  I laugh and then kiss her again, more than happy to remedy the situation.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket for about the dozenth time this afternoon. I reluctantly pull it out and see text message after text message from Frank and the other employees back at Jamie’s real estate company.

  I sigh. “I think we’d better get back sooner rather than later. It seems the company is falling apart without us there.”

  Olive frowns.

  “Don’t worry; this time, we can actually fuck on the plane.”

  Her eyes light up at that thought. Then, she reaches over into her purse that is sitting on the floor next to her and pulls out a DVD with me and two women on the front, half-naked.

  “And maybe we can watch this?” she says with a goofy grin on her face.

  I laugh. And I nod.

  I can’t believe she did that. I think it’s her way of showing me that she accepts me, no matter what I’ve done or what I still do for a living. And I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted a woman more.

  18

  Olive

  We barely make it back onto Sean’s private jet before our lips lock, our hands clinging to each other without a thought of letting
go.

  “Mr. Burrows, you need to take a seat for us to take off,” a man, who I assume is our captain, says.

  Sean moves us further onto the plane.

  “We’ll be in a seat in the back,” Sean says between kisses.

  He starts pulling me down through the aisle of the plane. His hands travel over my body while his lips stay glued to mine.

  I’m not sure if the captain is going to allow us to sit in the back. I’m sure he knows that we won’t be sitting in the bedroom. But he doesn’t say anything to us. I guess, when you own your own jet, it doesn’t really matter if you follow all the rules.

  And, right now, I want to break all the rules. Every. Single. One.

  I want to feel things I have never felt before. Do things I have never done before.

  I want to know what it is really like to be loved by a man who truly loves me. I’m just not sure if Sean is the man I will get to experience real love with. But I do know that I get to experience the best sex of my life with him.

  Sean pulls me into the bedroom and slams the door shut behind us.

  “I want it dirty. Show me how dirty and rough you can be, just like in the videos you make,” I say.

  Sean stops kissing me long enough to cock his head to one side with a look I haven’t seen before. “I don’t think you understand how dirty it can really get.”

  I grin. “I think I’ve seen plenty dirty so far. But I want more.”

  Sean kisses me hard. “Tell me what you want, Olive.”

  I bite my lip as I think about what I want. “Tie me up, spank me, talk dirty to me. I want everything.”

  Sean’s eyes intensify.

  “Show me how to fuck like a porn star,” I say.

  He grabs my arm and forces it behind my back, and then he pulls the other one behind my back as well. “You like it rough, you’ll get it rough, baby,” Sean says.