Broken Miles

by Claire Kingsley

  “Zoe,” he said, grabbing my upper arms to keep me from falling. “Sorry. I was looking for you.”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. “You’re supposed to be in San Francisco.”

  “I know.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me up the stairs after him. “Let’s go upstairs.”

  I stumbled along behind as he led me into my office.

  “What’s going on?” I asked. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m good,” he said, shutting the door.

  “When did you get back?”

  “About five minutes ago,” he said. “It’s been killing me to be away. I had to take care of some things down there, but I caught an early flight and drove straight here.”

  I stepped away and looked at him, my head spinning. “Why?”

  “Because we need to talk,” he said.

  “Now?”

  “Yes, now. We need to talk about what happened when we broke up. And what’s happening now. All of it.”

  “Um…” I knew we needed to talk. There was so much to say. But now? “Here? Right this second? Maybe we should wait. Grab dinner later or something.”

  “Do you have appointments this afternoon?” he asked.

  “No.”

  “Then we’re doing this now,” he said. “You were right, we need to get everything out in the open. Otherwise, all that shit from the past is going to fester and poison us both. I’m not going to let that happen, even if it means I have to take a beating now. I deserve it anyway. So I want you to tell me everything. Why you left me. What you’re feeling now. I want to hear it all.”

  I crossed my arms. “You just want me to unload on you?”

  “Yes,” he said, surprising me with the vehemence in his voice. “Hit me with everything you’ve got. We got fucking divorced, Zoe. And we never talked about it.”

  “Okay,” I said and took a deep breath. God, where did I even begin? “I knew we were young when we fell in love the first time, and we were both going to change as we grew up. But you turned into someone I didn’t recognize. I felt like all you cared about was your job title and your salary. It wasn’t just that you worked a lot. You gave everything you had to your career. There wasn’t anything left. When you were home, which wasn’t all that often, you were tired and distant. You didn’t talk to me, or tell me what was going on with you. It was like watching you slowly turn to stone.”

  He held eye contact while I spoke, never looking away. “What else?”

  “I didn’t want money,” I said. “I didn’t care about the fancy apartment, or the car you bought me, or the credit card you gave me to use. And I’m still insulted that you thought I did. I was happier when we had nothing. When we were in college and we’d go through the couch cushions looking for enough change to go get a cheap beer. I don’t understand why you thought I ever wanted a life where I traded you for a bunch of stuff.”

  “Okay,” he said, nodding. “Is it all right if I say something now?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t see it that way,” he said. “And honestly, it wasn’t ever about you. Although that was my first mistake. It should have been, because I would have realized how meaningless it all was. I told myself I was doing everything for us, but that was a lie. I was doing it for me. I thought I had something to prove—to my family, and my father. Mostly my father. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. I thought if I could just achieve more, he’d have to admit he was proud of me. And money was how I measured that. But in the process, I completely lost sight of what actually mattered.”

  “You were willing to throw our marriage out the window to prove something to your dad?” I asked.

  “Like I said, I didn’t see it that way at the time,” he said. “And I’m telling you right now, I was wrong. Every choice I made, from going to grad school, to moving us to San Francisco, was based on resentment. I kept thinking I could get rid of all the bitterness I was carrying around if I just made it to the next level. Someday I’d achieve enough, and I wouldn’t have to feel that way anymore.

  “But what I didn’t see was that I had everything I’d ever need right in front of me,” he continued. “I had you. What the fuck else mattered if I had you? You’re a fucking badass who can stand on your own no matter what life throws at you. I was angry with you back then because I thought you didn’t support me. But how the hell was I supporting you? I wasn’t. I wanted you to be around when I had time for you, but I wasn’t giving you anything in return. And that’s fucked up, Zo.”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  “Do you want to know the worst part?” he asked. “I was turning into my goddamn father. And I was completely blind to it. The things he did were different—he took on running Salishan instead of trying to get away from it. And maybe that’s why I didn’t see it. I thought he was an asshole because he resented the winery. But he was an asshole because he expected my mom to be around for him when he needed her, and to stay out of his way when he didn’t. What did he ever give her? He spent their whole fucking marriage acting like he was constantly sacrificing for her, but it was bullshit. She didn’t need a husband who worked his ass off to keep her family’s winery open. She needed a husband who stood by her side. And he never did. And there I was, working like a dog, thinking I had it all figured out, and I was doing the same fucking thing.”

  “You should have talked to me,” I said. “You never told me how you felt about your dad. I’ve known you since we were seventeen, and this is the first time you’ve ever said that to me.”

  “I know,” he said. “I should have. And I’m sorry. God, Zoe, I’m so sorry for those years when I left you alone. I hate that I did that to you.”

  I nodded and touched his hand, acknowledging his apology. “It wasn’t all your fault. I didn’t talk to you about how I was feeling, either. I got mad and picked fights with you. But arguing over things like you coming home late never addressed the real issues. I had all these doubts about whether you really cared about me, but I never told you. I should have.”

  “I want to believe it would have helped, but I don’t know,” he said. “I was a pretty big asshole.”

  I cracked a smile, although the emotion welling up from my chest made it hard to breathe. “The day I left you was the worst day of my life. I knew I was going to, but I was so mad. Being angry is easier sometimes, you know? But that day, I loaded up my car and suddenly it was so real. It took me two days to drive back here from California, and I think I cried the whole time.”

  “Oh fuck, Zoe.” He pulled me close and held me, running his hand over my hair. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”

  “I didn’t leave expecting you to chase after me,” I said. “I wasn’t trying to make a statement so you’d change. But it still hurt when you didn’t even try. I felt like you didn’t care. I walked away, and I thought it meant nothing to you.”

  His arms tightened around me and he kissed the top of my head.

  “But then, before you left the other day, you told me I’d gutted you.” I was having a hard time getting the words out. “Roland, I didn’t know. If you were hurt, you never acted like it. You never told me.”

  “I was hurt,” he said, his voice quiet. “Nothing has ever hurt more than the moment I came home and saw you were gone.”

  I couldn’t stop the tears, so I let them come. “I didn’t want to hurt you. That wasn’t why.”

  “I know,” he said. “You had to make a choice, and you chose to take care of yourself. Honestly, Zoe, you made the right call.”

  “Why did you just let me go?” I asked.

  “Because I was angry. Like you said, anger is easier. If I’d let my guard down and stopped being mad, I’d have had to admit I was hurt. Being hurt meant being vulnerable. I couldn’t face that. So I acted like I didn’t give a fuck, and I focused on work to keep you off my mind.”

  I slid my arms around his waist and held him, wetting his shirt with my tears. “Where does this leave us now?”

  He pul
led back to look at me. “I’m not going back to San Francisco. I already gave my notice. It doesn’t matter what happens with my career, or the winery, or any of it. I just want you. No, it’s more than that. I need you. And I know you don’t really need me. You were doing fine without me. But I wasn’t. I was miserable. I love you and I’m never going to love anyone else. You’re it for me, Zoe, and you always were. I just hope you’ll decide you want to keep me around.”

  I touched his face. “You’re staying?”

  “I’m staying,” he said. “That back-and-forth shit was never going to work. We’d end up where we were four years ago, and I’m not doing that to you again. You deserve better.”

  “You’re wrong about one thing.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I do need you,” I said.

  He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine. Slid his fingers though my hair. He kissed me tenderly, his mouth soft and warm.

  “So this is it?” I asked. “You’re staying and we’re… we’re what? Going to date each other? Give this another shot?”

  “No,” he said.

  “No?”

  He smiled and reached into his pocket. “I don’t want to date you, Zo. I don’t need time to decide, or to see if this will work out.”

  He opened his hand and I stared at the two rings sitting in his palm.

  “Oh my god,” I said, my voice trembling. “Are those what I think they are?”

  “Yes.”

  “Those are… but how did you…?”

  “I kept yours,” he said, his voice soft. “Leo found mine outside, if you can believe it. He held onto it for me.”

  I touched the two gold bands with the tip of my finger. I’d left my ring on the counter when I’d moved out of our apartment. “I always figured you threw this away.”

  “I couldn’t,” he said. “I had it in a box in my closet. I think deep down I knew I’d need it again someday. Or at least, I hoped I would.”

  A single tear broke free from the corner of my eye and trailed down my cheek. “Are you saying we should get married again?”

  He touched my chin and tilted my face up. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. I want you to be my wife. I know how badly I screwed things up before, and you can be damn sure I’m not going to do that again. Most people don’t get a second chance when they lose something as precious as you. I know how fucking lucky I am. If you need more time, I won’t push you. But I’m in, Zo. I’m yours.”

  I started to laugh—because honestly, what else could I do? “You’re crazy, Roland Miles. You just proposed to your ex-wife.”

  “About fucking time, don’t you think?” he asked. “So what do you say, Zo? Will you marry me again?”

  I popped up onto my tip-toes, threw my arms around his neck, and kissed him—hard and deep. As I pulled away, I bit his lower lip and tugged, just enough to make him grunt.

  “Hell yes, I’ll marry you again,” I said. “I fucking love you.”

  “I fucking love you, too.”

  He kissed me again, his hands sliding low to cup my ass. And I was very glad I’d cleaned off my desk, because the things he did to me in that office made it more than worth the effort.

  Thirty

  Roland

  I tightened the screws on the new office chair. The one that had been in here was shit, so I’d ordered a new one. I made sure the last screw was in, then gave the chair a spin. Looked good.

  I’d moved into the office next to Zoe’s. It was a little smaller than the one I’d been using, but I liked being right next to her. I’d suggested we knock out the wall and share a bigger space, but she’d vetoed that idea. At first I’d thought she didn’t want to share an office because she wanted space from me. But she’d clarified that she tended to let her office get messy, and she knew I liked mine kept neat. She didn’t want to give us something stupid to constantly fight over.

  She had a point.

  But the good news was, she was right next door. And I could pop over there anytime I needed to see her. Or touch her. Or kiss her.

  Or fuck her on that messy-ass desk of hers. The door didn’t lock, so we always ran the risk of being caught. But that had never stopped us before.

  We hadn’t gotten remarried yet, but Zoe was planning our wedding. We’d eloped the first time—just went to the courthouse and stood before a judge. This time, we wanted a real wedding. It would be small—nothing extravagant or complicated—but knowing Zoe, it was going to be beautiful. I didn’t want to wait any longer than I had to, so she was arranging the details on short notice. But Zo had all the strings to pull, so throwing together a last-minute wedding was turning out to be pretty easy.

  I glanced at the time. It was six. We were meeting my family downstairs and then heading over to the house to have dinner with my mom. I closed my laptop, pocketed my phone, and went next door to grab Zoe.

  She was typing, her eyes on her computer screen.

  “Hey,” she said. “One second…”

  I leaned against the door frame and waited while she finished.

  “Okay,” she said. “Done. Contract sent. The wedding I’m booking is going to be small, but they have some serious money to throw around. It’s going to be really fun.”

  “Sounds great,” I said. She came around her desk and I drew her in for a kiss. “Ready?”

  “Yes, and I’m starving.”

  Cooper and Brynn were downstairs in the lobby. Brynn looked exasperated. She stood with her arms crossed and seemed to be trying to get a word in, but Cooper was on a tirade. I had no idea what they were talking about, but I heard Coop say something like you’re too young for that anyway.

  “Shut up,” Leo said. He sat in one of the leather chairs, resting his elbows on his knees. “Seriously, Cooper, you’re not her mother.”

  “Traitor,” Cooper said. “Brynncess is your sister, too. You should be supporting me.”

  “Okay, kids, quit your bickering,” Mom said as she came down the hall. She slid her arms into her jacket and adjusted the hood. “You’d think I would have stopped saying that after you all grew up.”

  “That’s because Cooper never grew up,” Brynn said.

  “Hey,” Cooper said. “I resent that.”

  Brynn punched him in the arm.

  The front door opened and a young woman with her blond hair pulled back in a ponytail came in. She wore a burgundy sweater with jeans and a pair of ivory low top sneakers.

  “Hi,” Mom said. “I’m so sorry, but our tasting rooms are closed for the day.”

  Cooper stepped forward and flashed the girl a grin. “That’s true, but I bet we could make an exception. Just this once. I’d be happy to take you back.”

  I rolled my eyes and tried not to groan. Seriously, Cooper?

  “Oh, no, actually…” She adjusted her handbag on her shoulder and glanced around. “I’m looking for Lawrence Miles.”

  Mom’s forehead creased. “I’m sorry, he’s not here. I’m Shannon Miles. Is there something I can help you with?”

  “You’re…” The woman swallowed hard and fidgeted with her bag. “Right, of course you are. Do you know when he’ll be back? It’s important.”

  My back tensed with worry. Why was this girl looking for my dad? She couldn’t be much older than Brynn. I looked at her, a deep sense of dread stealing over me. Oh god, please don’t let this girl be another one of his…

  “He doesn’t work here anymore,” Mom said, her voice steady. But I could see in her eyes that she’d had the same thought as me.

  The girl’s shoulders slumped. I felt bad for her. She looked defeated. The rest of us stood in tense silence, and Zoe slipped her hand in mine.

  “I see,” the girl said.

  “What is this about?” Mom asked.

  “He’s my father,” she said.

  Forget hearing a pin drop, you could have heard a tuft of goose down settle on the shiny hardwood floor. The shocked silence was intense as everyone stared at her. The color drai
ned from Mom’s face and Cooper looked like he might vomit. Brynn’s eyes were wide, and her mouth hung open. Even Leo gaped at her.

  Zoe squeezed my hand and I heard her whisper oh shit under her breath.

  “I’m sorry, did you just say Lawrence Miles is your father?” Mom asked.

  The girl nodded. “Yes, and I really need to find him.”

  The implication of what she’d just said hit me square in the chest. We already knew Dad had been unfaithful. But this girl had to be in her twenties. From what Leo had found out about Dad’s current mistress—girlfriend, now—she didn’t have any children. That meant this woman’s mother was someone else, and the affair had happened when we were all kids.

  “Hey, Coop,” I said, and he jumped, like I’d startled him. “Why don’t you take Mom back to the house. Order pizza for everyone. Leo, maybe you and Brynn should go with her. Zoe and I will talk to… I’m sorry, what was your name?”

  “Grace,” she said. “Grace Miles.”

  I stepped closer to her and offered my hand, calm and businesslike. “Roland Miles.”

  Her eyes widened as she took my hand and shook.

  “Mom, I’ll figure out what’s going on,” I said.

  My mom touched her hand to her mouth. “I’m sorry, I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now.”

  Brynn took her hand. “Let’s go. Roland can talk to her.”

  “I’m really sorry,” Grace said.

  Mom’s face softened. “It’s okay. Whatever is going on, I’m sure none of it is your fault.”

  Brynn and Cooper led Mom outside with Leo close behind. I glanced at Zoe. She raised her eyebrows and mouthed what the fuck. I shrugged and turned to Grace.

  “All right, well… if Lawrence Miles is your dad, I guess that makes me your brother,” I said. “This is my fiancée, Zoe. The guy who looked like he was going to puke is Cooper, and the scruffy bearded guy is Leo. Brynn’s the baby. And that was our mom, Shannon.”

  “I’m sorry to just show up here out of the blue and drop this bomb on you,” she said. “I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t important. I thought I would find him here.”