What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1)

by Jaycee Weaver

  She sighed heavily, her shoulders slumping slightly. She looked toward the darkening Sandia Mountains, as if drawing some of her strength from them. This was the smoothed over version, true, but well edited and rehearsed. How much should she reveal?

  “Anyway, a lot of my core classes transferred over so I wasn’t starting completely over. I just started my first semester of clinical nursing courses, and if I keep pushing myself with a full load through the next two summers, I could be done in a year and a half.”

  “That’s not much longer. That means you’ll graduate at what, 24? Seems pretty average to me, and not that far off from your original plan,” he reasoned.

  “I’ll be 23 in February,” she paused and glanced up and to the right to mentally calculate before continuing, “so yeah, I guess I’ll still be 24 when I graduate. The original plan was to graduate with my B.S. Ed at 22, Master’s by 24. If I wanted to get an advanced degree in nursing, I’d even be further behind.”

  “Sounds to me like you’re regretting changing your degree a little bit. What made you abandon your plan in the first place?” He looked at her with concern in those amazing flecked eyes. Like specks of gold glittering in earthy greenish granite. Focus, girl!

  Could she really go there? How could she explain all of the myriad of events that had led to her this place so far from where she’d thought she’d be by now? She stared out at the mountains a few moments more, fixated on the pale gray clouds settling across the ridge.

  She breathed in the crisp air that smelled like dry leaves and dirt with a mouthwatering hint of meat being grilled in a nearby yard. She closed her eyes and her sigh felt heavy. If Josh felt better after talking about his past so candidly, maybe it would help her to sort things out if she did, too.

  Josh

  He waited for her to continue. She had listened so attentively that he wanted to extend the same courtesy. But more than that, he genuinely wanted to know about her. From what he could tell, she was a driven young woman. He knew from their chat at the duck pond a few weeks ago that she was the oldest of two, with a goofy little brother she adored. He knew she was incredible with kids, and seemed to be a genuine person full of happiness, kindness, and innocence. There wasn’t anything fake about her and he admired that.

  Josh braced his hands on the edge of the bumper of her SUV on either side of his knees. The rough carpet and heavy plastic were starting to dig into his legs, but he didn’t care. He really wanted her to keep talking.

  She was lost in thought, staring eastward at the shadowy mountain range, the glorious pinky purples of sunset long gone and replaced by a multitude of grays and blacks as the sky grew darker, illuminated only by a smattering of stars and the faint last tendrils of sun from the far west side of the city. If he could talk, she could too, right? She owed him that much after he’d revealed so much of himself.

  At last, she finally spoke.

  “I’ve always been an over-achiever, an over-thinker, over-planner, over-everything. Perfectionism ruled a lot of my life as a kid, and it’s been a journey to let that part of me go. It made me miserable. The kids in school always made fun of my bookishness, teased me for being so serious. In middle school, a lot of the girls would call me a snob and accuse me of thinking I was better than everyone else, when really, I was just a very driven, smart, serious, and shy girl. I spent most of high school trying to figure out how to relax a little and make a better reputation for myself without giving up on my moral convictions. I grew up in the church, and my faith has always been a vital part of who I am. That has never meant that I thought I was better than anyone or that I was judging them. But I guess the fact is, that even in my shyness, my faith made me confident in who I am and who I could be as a person. That confidence, I think, makes other people’s insecurities rise to the surface and they attack in defense.”

  Josh nodded his head, amazed at the maturity she displayed. He admired her generosity, finding ways to explain away and excuse the cruel behavior of her schoolmates.

  “I think in a lot of ways, even being bullied, God protected me. I have two amazing parents, and a hilarious little brother I adore. I have been blessed with good friends I can trust, and people who have always believed in me. I always knew that with God all things are possible, so I kept pushing myself to set high goals and achieve them. But the converse of that is perfectionism and all the pressure that comes with it. I pushed myself so hard, that not long into college I realized I was burned out and needed a major change.”

  She hesitated again and pulled her knees up under her chin, holding herself tightly.

  “My freshman year I had a very serious boyfriend. Here I was, this driven girl with a list of not only my own life goals, but that epic list a lot of girls have for their perfect guy. Not having a lot of experience in that department, I realize now that my list was a little ridiculous and the standards I set not only for myself but my potential future mate were pretty far out of reach for any human being. But, incredibly, this guy seemed to fit so many of those list items—some very specific, weird little ones, too—that I was convinced this was forever. And he really brought me out of my shell, showed me how I could move beyond perfectionism and seriousness and learn to let go and have fun, too. With him, I felt like I could face down any bully and be whoever I wanted to be.

  “It was so perfect, that a year later when it all came crashing down in a bitter betrayal, it made me reexamine everything. I started to wonder if maybe all of the things I’d put on my soulmate list were my wants, not what God wanted for me. But then, if that was true for my future mate, then was that true for the rest of my goals? If Aiden wasn’t The One after I’d been so convinced he was, then was anything I’d been certain of really true? That led to a whole bunch of other thoughts, and being the total over thinker that I am, I basically spun myself into a crazy spiral of self-doubt and found myself trying to start over again. That’s when I took a year off school.

  “I mean, it wasn’t totally Aiden’s fault, because I’m not just some silly girl whose whole life can be uprooted by a cheating heart breaker. I think that was just the final straw after a life of pushing myself so hard. Once the burnout set in, I was done and didn’t know what to do next. Right when I was finally close to figuring myself out, I met this amazing pediatric nurse when a kid I was babysitting had to go to the ER. She was getting off work while we were waiting for the pediatrician and the kid’s parents to show up, and she sat and talked with me about her job and she seemed to just shine with love for what she did. You could see how much she loved kids, and she was really intelligent and everything about her just inspired me.

  “I decided after that to look into nursing and switched my degree. It felt like God was opening a new door for me, so I wanted to be receptive to what I thought might be his new plan for my life. But now? I still don’t know. A huge chunk of my heart still wonders if I should have kept on in education. I love being around these kids so much, and teaching was always my dream.”

  Josh nodded. He was pretty sure he caught most of what she was saying. His protective side had flared up at the thought of her head over heels for another guy, only to have him cheat and break her heart. He’d love to meet that guy on the street. Wrong attitude, man. It was hard to be like Christ when jerks like that could still make him want to punch something.

  Instead, Josh took in a deep breath and released it slowly before speaking.

  “That sounds like a lot to handle at, what, 20? I think at 20, I was probably at whatever frat party I’d been invited to in between classes and writing papers. I don’t think I’d even picked a major yet when I was 20,” he shook his head with a smile. “I can’t imagine having life figured out that young. It’s a lot of pressure for anyone that age just to be in school and deal with all the angst of figuring out who you are, who you’re with, and all of the drama that seems to come so easily at that age.”

  “People have always told me I’m an ‘old soul.’ I have always seemed a lot older or mo
re mature than others my age, and I tend to gravitate toward either little kids or people older than me.”

  That was good news to Josh. Maybe she wouldn’t mind that there was a good six or seven years between them? He shook that thought away. Impossible. She hadn’t given him any inkling that she could be even remotely interested in him.

  Time to lighten the conversation. Sure, it was cold outside in the early November night, but with their jackets on and tucked into the shelter of the back of her open SUV, he had little motivation to tear himself away. And he really wanted to put a smile back on her face.

  “Okay, so let me make sure I followed you. You’re highly driven, a natural with kids, always wanted to be a teacher, got your heart broken, had somewhat of a quarter-life crisis, and now you’re back on track but instead of a teacher, you’re becoming a nurse. Do I have that right? I mean, not to minimize what you went through or anything,” he added with a smirk.

  Her blue eyes looked gray in the glow of the parking lot’s sparse lighting before she dropped her gaze to her now dangling feet. She nodded and a crinkle graced the corners of those beautiful eyes as she bit back a small smile.

  “Um, yeah, that basically sums it up. Gees, in my head it’s this big back story of emotional turmoil, but when you boil it down like that…it seems kind of shallow,” she gave a funny little chuckle as she shook her head and smiled more widely.

  “Sounds to me like you’re still figuring things out. But you’re young, and have your whole life ahead of you to get where you want to go.” Ugh, that sounded old even to his own ears.

  She laughed. “Oh, like you’re so old and all. You’re probably what, pushing 30? Wise old man, you are!” she teased.

  His dimpled grin flashed and he hung his head sheepishly.

  “I know, I know. I heard how that sounded after it came out. I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that even a mature 22 is still chronologically young,” he emphasized that word with exaggeratedly widened eyes.

  “You have so much of life ahead that you can take your time and figure things out. Most people barely graduate college with a bachelor’s by 23, and you were pushing to have your master’s by 24? That’s a lot to expect of yourself. And if you were always such an overachiever, you were bound to burn out at some point. At least you went back, when a lot of people drop out and never finish.

  “It took me 4 1/2 years to get my undergrad, and I’ve been out in the ‘real world’ for just a few years. I was lucky to have had an internship with the hockey team while I was in school, so I had kind of a head start. I sometimes wish I’d have gone on to do an MBA or an MA in communications or something. But then, I wouldn’t have been able to spend as much time with Brendan. I think we all second guess our choices and our path at times, whether we were driven from the get-go or find our path by chance along the way.”

  She bumped her shoulder against his. “You know, you’re pretty smart for an old guy,” her voice taunted as she glanced up at him sideways. The way her eyes crinkled up at the sides with her teasing drew him in like a helpless moth to a bug zapper.

  Her body language was relaxed and friendly, not quite pushing the line to flirtatious.

  “Old?! You’re killing me! I’m only 29!” he laughed and nudged her shoulder back. It was definitely a friend-zone move, but it was contact. He had to figure out how to handle this thing he felt, because the more time he spent with her, the more time he wanted, and that could be dangerous. This budding friendship was too new and too easy and he couldn’t risk it. Chicken.

  He pushed himself to his feet and turned to extend a hand to help Brynn off the edge of her SUV.

  “I’d better let you get on with your night. I enjoyed talking with you, Brynn,” he looked intently into her contemplative, silvery blue eyes before continuing. “And for what it’s worth, if you’re still second guessing yourself about teaching, you should pray about it. My mom used to tell me to make a list when I was a teenager and struggling with big decisions. She’d have me write down the pros and cons of all the possible scenarios, and seeing it on paper really helped make it clear sometimes. Not always, but even then, it can be helpful. If you find yourself adding flimsy excuses to manipulate your results, then you have to admit to yourself why you’re doing that.

  “But ultimately? Pray about it and see which avenue you feel most at peace about and pursue it. What’s the worst that happens if you ditch nursing to go back to education? You’re still on your old timetable, just with a bachelor’s and not a master’s degree? Not a big deal. You have options, and I think sometimes God lets us make our own choices, even big ones, without a clear sign pointing to the ‘right’ one because He knows he made us capable. He made you capable.”

  She looked up at him and smiled through watery eyes. His arms longed to reach out and pull her to him.

  “You have no idea how much I needed to hear that. Thanks, Josh.” She choked out a half-laugh. “It’s funny you mention making a list. That’s like, my go-to move any time I’m stuck between two decisions. And while I’ve been putting a ton of thought and prayer into it, I haven’t put pen to paper much to get a clearer picture yet. I’m still in my research-things-through phase. I even went to the advisement office to look at my options the other day. And I for sure need to pray more about it. Thank you for the reminder.”

  They stood there staring at one another a brief moment, neither certain what should come next. Indecision kept him from making a move, but she seemed to come to a conclusion first. She leaned near and gave him a little, loose sideways hug like the ones he always associated with the ladies at church. He returned it, maintaining his body distance against every natural instinct he had. He’d be too tempted to do something crazy, otherwise. Like kiss her.

  “Be safe heading home,” he said.

  “You, too,” she replied as she brought down the raised door of her SUV and clicked it shut. She dusted her hands off on her jeans and gave him a small smile while opening her driver’s side door. He walked around to his truck and returned her smile as he ducked in. They both gave a final wave as their vehicles passed at the exit, going in opposite directions.

  Josh felt considerably lighter than he had on the way to the school earlier in the night. His appetite had even returned. Yeah, he could definitely eat.

  Chapter 12

  Josh spent Saturday morning shooting hoops with some of the guys from his men’s group. The church had a small auxiliary gym with a basketball court that they made use of from time to time. It had been a good distraction. Work lately was going pretty well, but it was still stressful keeping up with all his clients’ needs.

  Avoiding Carly was a constant challenge, and even some of the old ladies at church seemed to feel like it was their mission to get him fixed up with their daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and those of their friends. He dated occasionally, sure, but lately he just wasn’t interested in the endless parade the well-meaning church ladies kept introducing him to. And someone like Carly was just never going to happen.

  Most of the men in this life group were already married, a few with kids around Brendan’s age. While he wouldn’t quite call most of them friends just yet, he was feeling a little better about that than he had in a while. The past month or so the group had decided to move beyond their weeknight meetings to do things together outside of church. There were a couple holier-than-thou types, but most of the guys were pretty cool.

  He was considering asking one or two of the dads to meet him and Brendan at a fast food place or something where the kids could play one Saturday.

  “Hey,” Josh called out to a couple of the dads who were grabbing their gym bags. “I saw in the bulletin that next week is the ladies’ breakfast. Anyone want to take the kids somewhere that morning?” He wiped the sweat from his head with a gym towel pulled from his own bag.

  A few of the guys agreed it was a good idea and made a tentative plan, agreeing to send out a group text later in the week to firm things up. A few fist bump
s from some of the younger guys later, and Josh felt pretty good about finally getting involved in church enough to get to know a few people he could have things in common with. Getting Brendan around some kids his own age that came from believing families would be good, too.

  After a hot shower and changing into some comfortable clothes, Josh padded through the house in his socks on a few of the necessary chores. Thankfully, his mom had raised her kids under the philosophy that everyone should pitch in and learn how to do all the household jobs. She always said, “You can’t rely on marrying someone who will do everything for you. My boys will learn to cook and clean, and my girl will get a good education.” His parents had worked hard to instill the values in all three of their children that hard work pays off, girls and boys alike can do anything they put their minds to, and that while traditional roles can have a valuable place in the home, it should be up to both partners to agree on who does what around the house.

  His older brother had managed to marry a fairly traditional woman right out of college. Missy was perfect for Jude. He had worked his tail off to finish med school while she’d worked at the bakery her family owned until he’d established his practice. For the past couple of years, she’d chosen to stay home and had delivered two adorable baby girls. Josh’s little sister Jenna was following a decidedly less traditional route, still off at art school with plans to pursue her career in art as long as possible before even thinking about marriage. As always, Josh fell somewhere in between the two.