Panic (The Flaw Series)

by Ringbloom, Ryan

  “You’re a guy who’s starting off and has amazing things ahead of him,” she says, leaning up on her elbow to kiss my shoulder.

  “You have always been my number one fan.” I lie back down and pull her into me. “If I stay here, playing my music with you by my side, that’s all I want. That’s what’ll make me happy.”

  “What are you talking about? This is just the beginning for you. You have huge things ahead and I want you to know I’ll support you. Wherever your dreams and opportunities take you, I’ll be right there with you.”

  She’s so serious. Her confidence and faith in me is unbelievable. The truth is I’m not looking for fame and fortune, or even for playing at bigger venues and traveling the world. My dream is settling down with the woman I love, having a family and, yes, being able to play my music, but not on that “rock star” level she seems to think I’m looking for.

  Hidden under the covers, Robin shimmies back into her lingerie and gets up from the bed.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I have to pee.” She giggles and scurries across the room to the bathroom.

  She returns to bed a few minutes later fully clothed in fuzzy pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt. I guess round two of sex is off the table after the busted condom fiasco.

  “What happened to my groupie?” I tease her.

  “She’s tired and needs some sleep. But maybe tomorrow morning she’ll wake you up with a nice surprise.”

  “Another surprise?” I’m not sure what she has in mind or what I did to deserve all these amazing surprises. Next week I have my appointment with Aidan to get my tattoo. That’ll be one of my surprises for her. Beautiful Robin, part of me forever.

  She curls into my nook. “I love you, Kent. I always have,” she says, rubbing her hand across my chest.

  No words could ever make me happier than what she just said. “Me, too. And I always will.”

  She stays nestled into me and we both drift off into a peaceful sleep.

  The next morning I’m awoken with a startle and I lift up my comforter and look down at her dark hair giving me one hell of a fucking surprise.

  Chapter Seven

  Kent

  My parents’ house has returned to normal after all the wedding hoopla. The honeymooners won’t be back for another two weeks. They took a long three-week honeymoon to Europe, taking advantage of the chance to relax and enjoy themselves before Patrick starts his Master’s program in the fall.

  While the house is still in a state of calm, I figure this is the perfect time to have Robin over for a family dinner.

  On the drive over, Robin asks me once again to hold off mentioning anything about her illness to my family. “It’s my first time really seeing them in a long time, you know, besides at the wedding. I just don’t want to spend time discussing ugly stuff when there are so many good things we could be talking about and catching up on instead.”

  It worries me. Now that I know she hid her illness from me for over a year, of course I wonder if she’s hiding anything else. She says she’s okay. Is she really?

  We drive down the street to my parents’ home and Robin stares out the window as her old house comes into view. Her hands reach up and she wipes at her eyes with the tips of fingers.

  I look over. “Are you okay?”

  “I didn’t think it would make me feel so sad seeing it. I feel like I can see my mom’s face more clearly just being here again.”

  It’s been years since Robin was last on this street. The street she grew up on, in the big white house right across from mine. Being here is surely triggering some strong emotions.

  “I know the family that lives there. Do you want to stop over? I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if we went in and you looked around.”

  “No, I’m okay. It was just seeing the house again.” She shakes away the sadness, then turns and redirects her attention to the house next to her old one. “The Carter’s are moving? Their house is for sale?”

  “Yeah, they retired and already moved to Florida. The house is empty, just waiting to be sold.” I park in my usual spot and step from the car, slamming my door shut and walking around to meet her. I reach out my hand, which she takes. “Maybe we should buy the house,” I say jokingly.

  “It may be a little out of our price range,” she replies, smiling. The lingering look she takes at the house makes me wish I could actually afford it. If I could, I’d buy that house in a heartbeat, ask her to marry me, and move right in. If the new bar takes off like expected and I’m able to play regularly, soon enough I could possibly afford that house. Just the house, not the utilities or food, but we could always raid my parents’ fridge since they’d be right across the street. I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.

  I’m laughing to myself but the truth is I really wonder if we could do it. Maybe it’s time to make use of my degree and look for a teaching job. I could ask my parents for a little help until we’re settled. I casually sneak a glance at the ‘for sale’ sign in the front yard to check out the realtor’s name. Then I notice a slim ‘sold’ sign resting on top. Hmph, guess not. That dream was squashed pretty damn quick.

  My mom rushes out the front door, greeting us on the porch. “Robin, I’m so glad you’re here. We’ve all missed you so much,” she says, squeezing Robin to her for a big hug. “I barely had the chance to talk with you at the wedding. You look wonderful.”

  We’re ushered right inside to the kitchen. The table has been set formally. Mom went all out cooking a homemade dinner in Robin’s honor. I pull out the chair for Robin to take a seat. The same one that was always assigned to her at the many family dinners she shared with us. It’s written all over her face how excited she is to be back in that seat.

  Throughout dinner Robin is unexpectedly chatty. The shell she struggled to break out of so many years ago is long gone. The personality that I always got to see in private is now out there for everyone to see.

  I reach for the pepper, sprinkling it over the creamy chicken dish on my plate. Fru-fru chicken, the family really is pulling out all the stops. Everyone is just as excited as I am to have Robin back.

  “I noticed there’s a ‘sold’ sign on the Carter’s old house. I didn’t know anyone bought it.” I say it to my dad but my mom stops her conversation with Robin so that she can answer me.

  “Yes, our new neighbors should be moving in in just a few weeks,” my mom says, with an excited goofy grin on her face. She shares a look with my dad, who raises his eyebrows and smiles.

  “Okay, you guys are acting weird. Is it someone I know?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, maybe you know them, the Daniels,” my mom says and waits for a reaction.

  “The Daniels? You guys bought it?” I am so confused right now. I look over at Robin and she smiles, whatever my mom is talking about, she understands.

  “The Daniels, Kent,” Robin says, tilting her chin up. “The new Daniels.”

  My lips pinch together from the sour taste that instantly fills my mouth. “Patrick and Ashley bought it?” I ask bitterly. I don’t even wait for the answer. “How? Patrick hasn’t even finished school yet. I guess Ashley bought it with her enormous trust fund. So, that’s how their marriage is going to be, Ashley just supporting them and Patrick letting her? Did she get him a new Mercedes, too?”

  I regret the words instantly and the stunned faces looking at me make me feel like shit for saying them. I know my brother is not like that. I know that his pride and Ashley’s money is the one sore spot between them. I’m thankful he wasn’t here to witness my ugly jealous reaction.

  “I was joking.” I try laughing off what an asshole I just was. “I thought it was going to come out funny, but it didn’t. Sorry. I think it’s awesome that they bought the house.” I cram a forkful of chicken into my mouth to keep from saying anything else. Seriously, I can’t believe I just acted that way.

  Robin eyebrows crease together in bafflement, questioning my strange outburst. She shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
“Matthew, your speech at the wedding was wonderful.” She compliments my little brother, taking the conversation in a new direction.

  “Thank you,” Matthew says, beaming. For a kid who had been so scared, his speech was one of the biggest hits of the day. Everyone has been praising and congratulating him on a job well done. The constant flattery has been boosting his ego quite nicely. “Kent, you know how I said Patrick should be your best man? Well, I changed my mind. I’ll do it. I mean, Robin’s been like my sister since I was zero, so that speech should be even easier.” His words imply that Robin and I are back together and will be getting married one day. It’s true, but a little too soon to be making a bold statement like that in front of everyone. No one quite knows how to respond.

  “Kent and I are back together,” Robin confirms, blowing my mind. Look at her. She has definitely broken through that shell. That’s my girl.

  “Oh, you guys, that’s terrific. I couldn’t be happier.” My mom swipes at her nose with a tissue. “I always knew you both would find your way back to each other.” Matthew and my father show their enthusiasm as well, big smiles expanding across their faces.

  “But we will not be getting married.” Robin adds almost defensively, holding up her hands. The comment, mixed with her reaction, stings.

  The table quiets and more awkwardness returns. This is getting to be the theme of tonight. What is going on here? What the hell is in this chicken? I’m busting to say something, but the something I want to say is not a conversation I want to have in front of my family. Thankfully, Matthew isn’t aware of all the awkwardness and starts discussing a new video game his friend has. I try catching Robin’s eye, but she does a great job avoiding looking in my direction.

  My mother and Robin linger at the dinner table chatting until nearly ten o’clock. I have to drag Robin away. Normally, I wouldn’t mind but we obviously have some talking to do tonight. I need to understand why she said what she did. Last night we we’re talking about her moving back here, things were lining up perfectly. Now tonight, her harsh statement about no marriage is confusing.

  In the car Robin turns on the radio. I turn it right back off. “We’re not going to get married?”

  “No,” she replies, simply reaching back over for the dial.

  I stop her hand. “No? Just like that. I don’t even get an explanation.”

  “I don’t want to get married.”

  “Since when?” This is news to me.

  “Since, I just don’t.” She shrugs likes it’s nothing. Like it wasn’t something we used to spend endless hours discussing. We always talked about our dreams for the future and all the things it held for us together. Marriage was one of those things.

  “Then what the hell are we doing? Is this just temporary?” I ask, my foot hitting the gas a bit harder than necessary.

  “No, it’s not temporary. We’ll be together as long as you want.”

  “As long as I . . . what the hell are you talking about? I see forever for us. Do we not see the same future here?”

  She puts the tip of her finger in her mouth and bites down. The light that travels in through the car windows illuminates the panic setting in on her face. “Why would you want to get married? Why would you want to be tied down with a wife and kids?”

  “Tied down? Is that how you think I would see it?” I shake my head, confused. “Is this why you’ve been acting so strange? You think I don’t want to get married or have a family?”

  “I just figured with your music that it would be easier if you weren’t held back. I support that, Kent. I don’t want marriage or children, either.”

  My head spins in a double take, the car swerves, and I set my eyes back on the road. “Robin, wow, obviously I have done a real shitty job at communicating with you what my intentions are for the future and for that I am extremely sorry. Please know, marriage and children are a top priority to me. You being my wife is . . . ” I release a breath and we pull up in front of my building. I park the car and look over at her. “Robin, honestly, I’d marry you tonight.”

  She looks like she’s about to be sick. Her hands dig into her stomach and she leans forward. “Why are you saying this? I thought we weren’t going to rush into anything? Now what, you’re proposing? What the hell? Here we go, moving too fast all over again.” She steps free from the car and slams the door.

  I step out and slam my own door with ten times the force. “Well, maybe fast is the only speed we know, maybe it’s the only speed that works for us.”

  “You know what, Kent? We shouldn’t have done this. It was stupid to think this would work.” She reaches into her bag for her keys and walks down the sidewalk. “Goodbye.” Her car flashes as she unlocks the driver’s side door.

  “Don’t you dare leave!” I shout at her. “I just said I want to marry you and now you’re walking away from me and saying goodbye.”

  She walks back over calmly and stands right in front of me. Her head tilts back to look up at me. “Sorry, but I’m not wife material,” she says.

  I’m furious. A clear thought couldn’t form if I tried. “Okay, good to know.” I grit my teeth, my mouth set in a fine line.

  “You can’t be mad at me, Kent.” Her lip quivers.

  “I can’t be mad? Is that what you’re telling me? ‘Cause I’ll tell you, Robin, I am way more than mad right now. You love me, you want to be with me, but you don’t want to marry me because ‘you’re not wife material.’ What does that even mean?” I holler. My fists are clenched, locked down at my sides.

  “It means I’m defective,” she screams back at me. “I’m not the kind of girl you marry.”

  “Defective? Why would you say that? Because you were sick? That doesn’t make you defective. That doesn’t mean we can’t get married.”

  She steps closer to me and lowers her voice. “I can’t have kids. I’m defective. That means if you marry me, you will be giving up everything. I will never be able to give you a family. I had surgery. Parts of me . . . are gone.”

  “What? Why?” My mouth goes dry. My body feels numb. What does she mean gone?

  “It was something I elected to do in order to lower my risks of the cancer returning. What was the point of being able to have a baby if I wouldn’t be there to raise it? Just like my mom.” She covers her face and begins to shake, breaking down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hide this from you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

  It takes a long moment for the words to register. I pull her into my arms. “It’s okay. Robin, I love you, it’ll all be okay.”

  “No, it won’t. I want to be clear, there’s no miracle that might happen. I’ll never be pregnant. I’m a defect. There is no future for us. You cannot marry me.”

  “Shh,” I soothe her, rocking her in my arms. “Never say that again. You are perfection.”

  “Don’t say that! I’m not perfection!” She slams her hands into me, pushing away. “Not even close. And tonight I saw you get jealous over a house. What’s going to happen when Ashley gets pregnant and I don’t? If you’re jealous over a house, how are you going to react when it’s over a baby?”

  My mouth drops opens. I stutter, stuck on how to respond to my earlier eruption at the table. Something I regretted immediately and now regret even more. “I . . . I . . . that’s not . . . I.”

  “Exactly,” Robin says and walks back towards her car.

  I chase after her, grabbing her arm, spinning her to face me. “The way I acted over the house was stupid. It was just I saw the way you looked at your old house and it made me want to buy the Carter’s house for you, for us. So we could live on our old street again, together in our own home. I acted like an idiot tonight. I’m sorry. Please, you can’t leave.”

  Her tears have run dry. Her eyes turn to ice, cutting into me. “No, I can leave. What I shouldn’t have done was come back.” She turns pulling her arm from my grasp, walking away, ready to leave me once again.

  “This is fucking bullshit, Robin. You tell me yo
u love me, that you’ve always loved me, and then you shut me out of your life for a year when I should have been at your side. You tell me you love me and then accuse me of being some guy who would walk away from you. And the fact that you keep labeling me as someone who can’t handle challenges in life makes me question if you really do love me. So go ahead, Robin, walk away. Here!” I slam my fist against my chest. “Take my fucking heart with you.”

  Robin

  I flinch as his knuckles crash into his chest. He’s furious. He doesn’t comprehend what I’m saying. How could he? It hasn’t even had time to sink in yet. I whip around, facing him.

  “Kent, I don’t think you understand what it is you would really be giving up by being with me. Remember Travis?” My voice quivers just saying the name and by the look on Kent’s face, he knows exactly who I’m talking about. “That’s right, Travis, our future son. What about Emily? The beautiful little girl who was going to have my blue eyes and your gift of music. You remember when we used to talk about our future children when we were younger? Picking out their names, trying to picture what they might look like one day. Guess what, Kent? Travis and Emily are gone. But the thing is they’re gone for me. Not for you. You can meet someone else and fall in love. Travis can still be your son. Emily can still be your daughter. She can have your wife’s eyes and play the guitar. I don’t want to take that away from you.”

  “There would never be anyone else, Robin.”

  “You say that now, but what happens in a few years when everyone has little kids running around and you start resenting me?”

  Kent’s eyes lock on mine. “That would never happen.”

  I laugh to break the tension, looking away. “I’m so sorry that I wasn’t honest with you right away. I’m sorry that I’m throwing all of this at you outside, in the street, in front of your apartment.”

  Kent’s feet stay locked on the sidewalk, watching as I walk over to my car and open the door. “I love you, Robin.”