Panic (The Flaw Series)

by Ringbloom, Ryan

  I could tell my dad about how much I hate being the butt of everyone’s joke amongst my friends. I might even tell him I regret dropping out of high school and not having any friends my own age anymore. But I know my dad wouldn’t have a response. He’d just sit there in his rocker and maybe if I was lucky, he’d give me a grunt. Talking to Mom wouldn’t be any better. She’s probably curled up in bed, dead to the world, taking double the prescribed sleep medication in order to escape from life. Her depression’s gotten so bad she hardly leaves her room at all these days.

  Parent’s aren’t supposed to have favorites, but both mine did. I don’t even blame them. Marissa was smart, ambitious and she was going places. She was gonna break the mold and become something more than just some Harbor Side piece of trash. But I guess no matter how smart you are all it takes is one bad decision and your whole life changes.

  Now my parents are stuck with the kid who’s going nowhere. Bet they wish I was in the car that night and not her.

  In my room I pick up my guitar and pluck out a few chords. Maybe I could start up a band. Yeah, sure, great fucking idea, a band with one person, me. And I don’t even sing. The only gigs I’d ever get would be playing in my bedroom to the sold out crowd of my reflection in the mirror. I guess I should’ve tried harder in school or something. I could’ve done band, but then everyone would’ve just made fun of me. So what? I’d be Bailey the band loser instead of just Bailey the loser. At least I would’ve been doing something I liked.

  My fingers continue to strum while my thoughts drift onto Shayna. For some reason I can’t seem to forget about her. Her blues eyes reflecting in the twinkling lights of the big palm, full lips turned up in an excited smile. The cute way she tucked her hands up in her sleeves. She was hidden under that oversized shirt but I could tell underneath she had some pretty nice curves. Very nice. Big. Soft. I place my guitar back down by my bed.

  I unzip my jeans and grab hold of my other favorite instrument. I think I’d rather strum something else for a little while.

  Chapter Three

  Shayna

  I still have no idea of the proper way to dress around here. The days are warm, but the nights get chilly.

  “Are jeans and a tank top okay? Should I throw a long-sleeve shirt over the tank just in case?”

  “Wear the long sleeves. If you get hot just take it off.” Tammy adjusts her short black dress. All Tammy’s clothes are slutty. Her dress is strapless but the hot pink bra she’s wearing with it . . . isn’t. She throws a jacket on that hides the straps, but still, it’s a really trashy look.

  Tammy actually remembered and is making me keep my promise to tag along to Tony’s with her tonight. I’ve loaded my purse up with tissues in case I need to pee while I’m there. I want to be prepared in case another roll of toilet paper is on the floor issue — or even worse, there’s an issue of no toilet paper at all. I haven’t allowed myself to have anything to drink in hours.

  “I can’t wait for you to actually get to hang out with Tony so you can see how awesome he is. You’re gonna totally love him. I texted him that you were coming and he was really excited.” Tammy starts up her old car and blasts the radio, dancing in her seat. I feel bad about how thrilled she is that I’m coming with her, because the truth is I’d much rather be sprawled out on the couch watching my favorite movie on TBS. It would be great if she would stay home with me, just for one night, and we could hang out by ourselves. But it doesn’t seem like that’s ever happening.

  We pull up in front of the small house to the same scene as last time. Guys on the front lawn, empty beer cans at their feet. A few girls dressed just as lovely as my cousin, hanging all over them.

  Tony stomps out a cigarette and puts on quite a show giving me an enthusiastic welcome, including a giant bear hug squishing me into his chest. His hands push into my ass, copping a feel before he lets go.

  My cousin nudges me in the side. “See how great he is,” she mouths to me.

  Yeah, sure, he’s great. That wasn’t awkward at all.

  “Do you want a drink?” Tony offers.

  “No thanks.” Any chance of drinking and letting my guard down here is not going to happen.

  We walk into the kitchen and the three of us sit down at a wobbly kitchen table. Tony folds his hands, steadying the table and I gotta hand it him, he really tries hard to make the conversation flow. He asks if I’m excited to start my new job, which leads to a discussion about coffee and how we all take it. We talk about how people have different ways of saying sandwich. He asks if I say hoagie, hero, or sub. I usually say sub, but now that I’ll be working at Wiser’s I better get used to saying hoagie. He asks me about Ohio. Tammy answers for me, telling him it sucks. Somehow the topic of motorcycles comes up. I have almost nothing to say on that topic so I make a Sons of Anarchy reference and he tells me he’s never seen it. And that about wraps it up.

  Tammy takes off her jacket and Tony eyes the bright pink bra straps. He gets up from the table, licking his lips. “I’m gonna go get you a beer,” he says to me even though I already said I don’t want one.

  “I’ll go with you,” Tammy replies, the two of them exiting the room in a hurry. Tony is pulling down the zipper on the back of her dress before they have even left the room.

  Yup. Here I am again. Who could have seen that coming?

  “Wait!” I yell after them, but they don’t hear me. I should have asked for the keys to the car. I could’ve gone home and either picked her up later or let Tony drive her home.

  Shit.

  “Shit!” I’m so annoyed I can’t just think it. I need to say it out loud.

  I don’t know anyone at this party. The only other person I met last time was that guy Bailey and he wasn’t even outside with the others when I walked in. I’m screwed.

  Thinking of Bailey reminds me of the tree he took me to see my first night here. That’s something I can do. I can sneak out the back and I could go check out the tree again. Hanging out there would be no problem at all. I would actually love it. It’s better than sitting in the smelly kitchen all alone, waiting around for when or if my cousin will return.

  I check outside. The backyard is empty. Everyone’s hanging out in the front. The backyards here are actually much smaller than the front yards. It’s very strange.

  I cut across the backyards the way Bailey took me last time and the tree comes into sight. The same great feeling comes over me as I soak in the twinkling lights. I wrap my arms around my chest to keep the chills from spreading. Again, I’m hit with that same feeling of something great coming my way.

  The house of the people that own it is all lit up. Last time I wasn’t worried about them coming out because I was with Bailey. Now I feel funny that they might come out and yell at me for being on their property. Popping a squat on the ground, I situate myself behind the tree where I can’t be seen if someone looks out the window.

  In front of the glowing lights of the enchanting tree, getting lost in a fantasy is easy to do. Someone is knocking on my door, holding up cards to secretly tell me they love me, just like in the movie I wish I was home watching.

  The fresh air around me changes. The smell of smoke and the sound of shuffling feet across the lawn make me sit up rigid. I pull my legs into my chest, trying to remain perfectly still, not making a sound. Oh, God, how do I get out of here unseen?

  The steps get closer and I hold my breath. This is not good. I’m trespassing. Should I make a run for it?

  “Shayna?” a voice questions.

  The person knows me, so this means it can only be one of four people — my cousin, Tony, the guy who hired me at Wiser’s, or one other person.

  “Bailey?” It’s a loud whisper.

  He walks over to me and holds out his hand to help me up. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came with my cousin and then her and Tony went to get me a drink and . . . ”

  “Never came back.” He finishes for me with a chuckle. “I didn’t think I w
as gonna see you here again.”

  “I didn’t think I’d be back here either, but I was kind of forced. Tammy wanted us to hang out and have some quality time together.” I wave my hand, gesturing to nothing. “Can’t you see all the quality time we’re having?”

  He laughs at my lame joke and I get a glimpse of his great smile. His teeth are surprisingly nice for a smoker. Right away I’m drawn to his little heart-shaped birthmark. I don’t let my eyes linger too long remembering how last time I got busted staring at it. I hadn’t thought much about him since that first night I met him. He’s cuter than I remembered.

  “How ya liking Florida so far?” he asks, pulling out another cigarette. The way his lips pucker around the tip as he lights up should not be sexy. Smoking is not sexy. But I swallow, keeping my eyes fixed on his lips as he pulls a breath in and releases the toxic air.

  “I’m liking it. I got a job already. I start on Monday,” I say and he appears impressed. “I’m looking into signing up at the community college, too. I should be all set to start next fall. I know that’s a long time away but at least it’s something.”

  “Look at you.” His eyebrows rise, tipping his chin up. “You really got your shit together.”

  “I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” I laugh even though I’m not lying. Compliments are not something I’m very accustomed to getting.

  He tilts his head, looking me over, almost as if he’s trying to figure me out. “What’d you really come to Florida for?”

  Because my life was empty. Because my mom barely knows I exist. Because my friends weren’t really friends. Because I wanted a fresh start. Because I want to find love. Because I need a purpose.

  I shrug my shoulders, bending down to pick at a blade of grass. “The palm trees.”

  He stays standing while I busy myself playing with the grass. I hope he doesn’t feel like he has to babysit me again. He’s probably cursing his bad luck at walking over here and finding me.

  A quiet minute goes by before either one of us speaks again.

  “So, what did you think of the beach when you went?” he asks.

  I’m dying to go but still haven’t gotten there yet. I hinted to Tammy a few times. She either didn’t pick up on it or just didn’t feel like taking me. I’ve dreamed of seeing the ocean since I was a kid. After I get my first paycheck I plan on taking a taxi to the nearest beach.

  “I haven’t been to a beach yet, but soon I will. I’ve never seen the ocean in person before. I bet it’s awesome.”

  Bailey

  “You’ve never been to the ocean?” I ask in disbelief. “How is that possible?”

  “How could I? I never left Ohio; there’s no ocean in Ohio.”

  I try and picture the map of the United States. Where is Ohio? Somewhere in the middle, I guess. I’m stupid because I never really thought about how some states aren’t close to the ocean. It’s unreal. She’s never seen the ocean. That’s crazy. I barely know her yet suddenly I want to show her the ocean so bad it hurts. I still can’t get over my luck at running into her back at this tree, of all spots.

  “Okay, let’s go. I’m taking you to the ocean right now.”

  “No, I didn’t mean for you to . . . no, you don’t have to take me. I’ll get there.” She stands up and waves her hands around, protesting.

  “We’re going,” I say and reach for her arm, guiding her through the yard to my beat-up Sentra parked on the street in front of my house.

  “No, really.” She continues to protest. “You don’t have to.”

  “It’s okay, I want to.” I bring her over to the driver’s side. “Sorry, but uh, you have to get in through my door. The other door doesn’t really open. Actually, it opens but then it just won’t shut.” This thing wouldn’t even run at all if I wasn’t constantly doing some type of work on it.

  “I don’t know.” She hesitates. “I think I should just wait for my cousin.” Her eyes drift back over towards Tony’s house.

  “It could be a long wait. We won’t be gone very long. The beach is only about a fifteen-minute drive,” I say, hoping to encourage her to come with me.

  Her long lashes sweep over her eyes and she bites down on her plump bottom lip. “Have you been drinking tonight? It’s okay if you have, but then I just don’t want to get in the car with you.”

  “I don’t drink.”

  “Yeah, right.” She points over to Tony’s house, to the beer cans piled up in the front, insinuating that because they all drink, I must, too.

  I breathe in deep through my nose. She doesn’t know about my sister and I’m not sure I want to tell her. People treat me different when they know. “I don’t drink,” I say again.

  She squirms uncomfortably, contemplating. I’m about to give up and shut the door when she shocks me by climbing over my seat and plopping herself into the passenger side. Before bowing down to duck inside and take the driver’s seat, I let a big smile escape.

  Along with everything else in my car, the radio doesn’t work. I start up a conversation, hoping she won’t ask for some music. “So, where are ya gonna be working?”

  “At the Wiser’s on Stone Street, just part time. It’s great ‘cause I can walk.” Her breath juts out as she glances at me nervously and looks away.

  Between the way her knees start shaking and the way she picks at her nail polish, I think she’s having doubts about getting in the car with me. I think back to the moronic comment I made to her the first night about getting laid. “It’s okay. I’m not gonna try anything.”

  “Whatever. I’m not worried.” She shrugs, still picking away at those nails.

  “You look a little worried.”

  “Fine, maybe I am. I didn’t even know you and I was there, like, all of five minutes and you made that comment,” she says.

  “Sorry, it was a dick thing to say.” What was I thinking, saying something like that to this poor girl? She looks so young and innocent. I’m guessing untouched, one of those wait-for-love girls. And if that’s the case, I wish her luck.

  “It’s fine. I’m over it.” She raises her shoulders, ending the conversation.

  I park the car in an alcove on the side of the road. She climbs through my door and I lead her down the grassy slope until we reach the sand. The beach is empty. Technically, after dusk you aren’t supposed to be on the beach, but if you aren’t making noise or drinking, they’ll mostly leave you alone.

  Shayna takes a few steps out onto the beach and kneels down. She scoops up two handfuls of sand and lets the grains cascade through her fingers back down. “I can’t believe how amazing this sand feels.” She looks up, her eyes wide, taking in the surroundings. “And I mean, the ocean is right there. I can’t believe it.”

  Her enthusiasm over something I’ve completely taken for granted is catching. I kneel down and let the sand run through my hands, also. It’s a much cooler sensation when you experience it with someone who’s never done it before.

  “I just want to run into it and jump in the waves,” she bubbles.

  I stand up and dust the sand from my jeans, reaching for her hand to bring her down closer to the water. “Then let’s do it.”

  “No way,” she says in a high-pitched squeal with a laugh. “It’s night time and we don’t have bathing suits. Plus, what if a shark comes and eats us?”

  “We won’t go in far, just our feet. No sharks will eat us.” I tug off my beat-up Converse sneakers, tucking my socks inside of them. She stares down at me, wavering, but once I start rolling up my jeans, she kicks off her own sneakers.

  Our bare feet traipse through the dusty soft surface. Standing side by side, we inch our way over to the wet sand. She tightens up, curling her toes, waiting for the first ripple of water to spread over our exposed ankles. The cold water reaches us and she lets loose an exhilarated screech, running back a few steps. I laugh and chase after her, grabbing her around her waist and bringing her back towards the water.

  “Noooo.” She
gasps for air between her laughs.

  “You are not running away. You wanted to jump in the ocean. We’re jumping in the ocean.” My own breath is halted with exhilaration. I hold onto her, bringing her a little farther out this time; the water splashes up against our knees, soaking the bottoms of our rolled-up jeans. My hands are on her waist and her stomach pulls in tight each time a new wave hits us. Her hair is blowing in the breeze and her pale skin glows in the moonlight. It would be impossible not to smile right now. I’m having more fun than I can ever remember. I can’t remember the last time I felt this good.

  “This is the most amazing night of my life. I feel like I’m in a movie running down the beach, playing in the waves with a cute guy.” She bites her lip after saying the last part and scrunches her nose.

  She called me cute. Is she thinking what I’m thinking? I know I told her only a few minutes ago I wouldn’t try anything but God dammit, I am about to retract that statement. I desperately want to kiss this girl. She can turn me down, that’s fine, but I am certainly gonna try. I gotta think of something good.

  “Well, if this was a movie, I think this is the part where I’d kiss you,” I say, stunned by how smoothly I pull off the line. It’s her. She just gives me a bolt of self-confidence. My line totally works, too, ‘cause she gets shy and gives me the look. The one I believe means she wants me to kiss her. I take the chance, reaching for her and pulling her in, the waves still crashing over our legs. Her head tilts up, allowing me access to her full lips. I bend down and kiss her. Just a simple kiss. Lips softly pressed into lips. The first word that plops into my mind is ‘romantic.’ I shake my head and let out a chuckle at the absurdity of that.

  “What’s so funny?” She frowns.

  “Nothing, it’s just you’re right, this night is turning into some chick flick. Next I think I’ll be telling you I love you. That I can’t live without you. Then I’ll lie you down on the beach for some passionate love making.” I let out another chuckle.