Panic (The Flaw Series)

by Ringbloom, Ryan

I’ve never mentioned my night with Bailey at the ocean, nor do I plan to. One night she even flat out asked if I was still a virgin, and I lied and said ‘yes.’ I still feel so stupid about it. Some burnout on the beach that I barely know kisses me, suggests we pretend to love each other, and then I give it up because he used the term ‘make love.’ I pray to God that I never ever see him again. That night is something I’m trying desperately to forget. Too bad I’m failing miserably at it. Stupidity and all, the memory of the night just won’t leave me alone.

  “Do we have to put raisins in?” I ask Tammy, reading over the recipe for Irish Soda Bread we found online. Beer and soda bread is how we are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. We only have two beers in the fridge and both of us are too broke to buy more. I give my beer over to Tammy, who happily accepts. I never cared for the taste, anyway.

  “No, skip the raisins.” Tammy measures out the flour, dumping it in the bowl, then starts measuring out the sugar from packets she accumulated in her purse. “How classy is this?” She shakes the sugar down in the packets before tearing them open.

  “Classier than what I’ve been doing. I’ve been adding water to my conditioner bottle all week. I can’t afford another bottle until I get paid tomorrow.”

  Tammy holds her stomach and laughs. “I’ve also been adding water to your conditioner bottle all week. I’ve been stealing your water-downed conditioner. I win. I out-pathetic you.”

  “Come on, we have two paychecks between us, how are we so broke?” I examine the stick of margarine to see what’s equal to a half cup.

  “Maybe you should sweet-talk Corey into giving you more hours. It sounds like he has a thing for you.” Tammy takes a sugar packet and empties the contents into her mouth.

  Corey is the night-time manager at Wiser’s. He’s a college guy in his twenties with light blond hair buzzed short, a nice dark tan, pale eyes and always clean shaven. He makes money, owns a really nice jeep, and yes, I think he might have a thing for me. Fingers crossed. I’ve spent the last few weeks wishing for him to ask me out. But so far the best I got was an extra shift, which I graciously accepted.

  The ingredients bulk up into a thick doughy lump. A sour smell fills my nose as I knead the dough out and it turns my stomach. “Was the buttermilk we used fresh?”

  Tammy grabs the carton and checks. “Yeah.” She sniffs. “It smells fine to me.” She leans over and takes a whiff of the dough. “That smells alright, I guess.”

  This happened at work last night, too. The coffee didn’t smell the way it normally does. It was like they were making it differently. I had to keep covering my nose in order to suppress the urge to heave.

  “Shoot, I think I’m coming down with a bug. I’m sorry, and now my hands were just all over this dough. I felt fine before.” I run the water in the sink, washing away the sticky film on my fingers. Once I’m away from the dough and far enough away from the smell, I start to feel better. That’s weird.

  “Should I toss it?” Tammy pokes at the dough with her finger. “’Cause I don’t know how to make this thing.”

  “No, that would be such a waste. I feel better. I can do it.” I walk back towards the dough and the second it connects with my nose, I gag. Covering my mouth, I fight the gags and heaves rippling my stomach.

  “Okay, that’s the grossest thing I’ve ever seen.” Tammy picks up the dough and chucks the whole thing into the garbage. “After watching you almost barf, I’m not even hungry now, anyway.”

  “I’m sorry. I think it was the buttermilk.” Filling a plastic cup with water, I take a few sips to get rid of the sick taste in my mouth.

  “Shane, are you gonna be okay for work tonight?”

  “Yes, I’ll be fine.” Again, with the dough out of sight and smell, I feel better already. It really must have been the buttermilk. “So, what are your plans for tonight?”

  “I’m supposed to meet up with some guy, Duncan. But I think I might just blow him off.” She finishes off her beer and picks at the metal tab until it breaks off.

  “Why are you going to blow him off?” I ask. Stupid question. The answer is Tony.

  “For starters, his name is Duncan.” She picks up her phone and looks at it longingly for a missed call. “Shane, I hate this. I miss hanging out with everyone. It’s like I broke up with Tony and now I don’t get to see anyone anymore.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “You know what I mean.” Her shoulders drop forward and she lets out a frustrated groan. “How bad is it if I just stop by there later? I can just say hello to everyone and try being civil with Tony. I mean, look at me, it’s been over a month. I’m in sweats for like the tenth night in a row. I need to get the fuck out.”

  “All I know is that you said he was a cheating asshole and to never let you talk to him again,” I state. Those were her exact words. There. I’ve done my part, giving her the daily reminder. What she does with it is her own business. My phone buzzes on the counter to indicate an incoming text, making us both jump.

  Corey: Can u come in a little bit early? Need to talk to you.

  Corey has never texted me before. Needing to talk is never good. Please don’t be anything bad — I need this job.

  Shayna: Yeah, I can come in. Everything ok?

  Corey: Everything is fine. I’ll see u in a little bit.

  “That was Corey. He asked me to go in to work early tonight so he can talk to me. Do you think I’m in trouble?”

  Tammy laughs. “No way. I think he wants you to come in early so he can take you behind the dairy case and . . . ” She humps the air in front of her, making a yelping noise.

  “You’re disgusting.” I say, but I can’t even look at her without laughing.

  “Oh, God, Corey. You’re so big. You’re bigger than a full-size hoagie. Give me some of that extra pickle please!” Tammy cries out, carrying on this obscene spectacle in front of me.

  She’s absolutely ridiculous sometimes, but I leave the room, wiping away tears from laughing so hard. I race to get ready in the bathroom, putting on my yellow T-shirt and a pair of jeans. She still carries on hooting and hollering in the background. Taking my hair out of its ponytail, I shake out the dark strands, flipping over and flinging back to get more body. I slip the rubber band over my wrist so I can put my hair back up after my talk with Corey. Tammy’s pretty scented body spray is sitting on the sink and I sneak a squirt onto the nape of my neck. This is pathetic but I really want to impress him.

  Before I head out the door, Tammy stops me, asking for my opinion one last time. “Do you think I should just stop by Tony’s later for, like, ten minutes? Real quick. I’ll just say ‘hi’ and leave.”

  I’m the last person on earth who knows anything about relationships. So, I tell her what I know she wants to hear. “Yeah, I think it’s okay if you just stop by.”

  Bailey

  It must be a full moon or something because everyone is out of control tonight. There are more people around or something. A fight already broke out and it’s not even ten o’clock yet. It’s also awfully early to be running low on beer, but they are.

  Twenty bucks gets shoved in my hand and I’m pushed out the door to make a beer run. That’s the “Kid’s” job. They know I don’t drink so I’m the only one ever sober enough to make a run when more beer is needed. I probably shouldn’t rush; take my time before I bring more alcohol back. Give everyone a chance to calm the fuck down a little bit.

  “Yo, Bailey, wait up,” Marybeth calls out to me.

  I turn around and see her running towards me. She bounces over to me in a tight tank top that lets her tits spill out, with a short skirt and bare feet. Her light blonde hair is from a box; dark roots and word of mouth has proven that. She’s known as the passaround. One of the girls who’s been passed around from guy to guy in this group. You can’t even pity her because she loves it. She takes pride in being a passaround. Checking guys off her list one by one, running her mouth, bragging about what a whore she is.

  “
What’s up?” I ask, not bothering to stop. She sidles alongside me, trying to keep up.

  “Can I come with you?” she purrs.

  “Why do you want to do that?” I yank open my car door and look down at her.

  She presses her arms into her chest, squeezing her tits together. Tits that every guy I know has become familiar with. She pushes up against me, wasting no time shoving her hand right down the front of my jeans and grasping me. “It’ll be a fun ride.”

  “No, thanks,” I say, but my stupid dick betrays me, getting hard from the whore’s touch.

  Her lips press together in a devilish grin as she pulls her hand back out. I step aside and she climbs into my car. A mile down the road we pull over to an empty parking lot. The cramped quarters of my front seat are no problem for a girl like her. My jeans undone and her skirt lifted, she’s got us angled in just the right position in no time. A condom appears from somewhere; a girl like that must carry a supply on her at all times and she skillfully slides it into place.

  She rocks back and forth on top of me, while I cup her ass in my hands. Almost instantly, she starts moaning, filthy things flying out of her mouth. She tells me she’s coming, followed by a feeble, “Oh yeah.” I’m no expert, but I know she faked it.

  Her little act over, she tells me it’s my turn and to hurry up and come. Okay, sure. Guys love pressure during sex. I need a go-to place, the picture in front of me is none too pleasing. Think. Porn, girls kissing girls, money shots . . . not working. My eyes stay shut. The night at the beach, kissing Shayna, sex in the sand, she lifts up her shirt, the sweet noise she makes when my tongue touches her. I let go in a single shudder.

  “You done?” Marybeth snaps me back into the moment. She tugs at the condom and laughs. “Oh yeah, you’re done. I didn’t think it would take you that long.”

  I look over as she lands back in the passenger seat. Thank God she had a rubber. I don’t think there’d be enough penicillin in the world to cure me from whatever shit she must have. Like nothing happened, I start up the car and we continue on the beer run.

  Marybeth winds up being the one to run into the liquor store. She’s twenty-one and the guy behind the counter isn't the one who’s normally there. I’m not sure if this new guy would let me buy beer without showing my ID.

  I sit back in the car and wait. A fresh cigarette settles between my lips. So, Shayna was my go-to place. Nice. Weird thing is that’s not even the first time I let my mind drift back to that night at the beach. I seem to find myself thinking about it a lot. Each time I think about it, it gets a little better. To the point where I even considered stopping by Wiser’s a few times. The only thing that stopped me was the whole Tammy/Tony thing. That kinda fucked everything up.

  Me and Marybeth return back to Tony’s and walk in together. As soon as I place the new supply of beer down on the counter, Marybeth stands up on a kitchen chair and announces to the room, “I fucked the Kid! That’s it — I’ve screwed every one of you mother fucker’s now!”

  The guys in the room explode, hooting and hollering for a girl they don’t have an ounce of respect for. The girls snicker and a few roll their eyes, judging; it’s crazy ‘cause half of them are no better themselves. Disgusted with myself, I look up at the disgrace still prancing around the kitchen like she just won an award. No wonder Shayna is my go to-place when I’m surrounded by girls like this.

  Out the corner of my eyes, I see Tony with his arm around someone. Looks like he’s got himself another new girl. But a closer look reveals it’s Tammy.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand straight up. Is Shayna here? Did she just witness that revolting announcement? I scan the room and relax, relieved not to see her. Tony leaves the room holding onto Tammy’s hand. They’re all handsy and touching. Looks like they worked things out.

  Seeing Tammy back here tonight is a good sign. It means I’ll probably get to see Shayna again soon. I walk out of the room, grinning. I’m floored when I realize just how happy that makes me.

  Chapter Six

  Shayna

  Dating Corey has been better than I ever could have even imagined. His reason for asking me to come in early to talk was so that he could ask me out. I’m on cloud nine. He’s perfect.

  For our first date, he took me out to dinner. Nowhere fancy, just the diner. He did most of the talking. I was starving so while he talked, I ate every single thing on my plate that was piled high with a thick burger and fries. When he asked if I wanted dessert, I said ‘yes.’ After my spoon scraped the bottom of my hot fudge sundae, he took me home. In front of Tammy’s apartment, he flipped through the radio stations until he found a station playing soft music. We made out in his jeep, kissing in the front seat, his hand skimming over my breasts through my shirt. He didn’t try for anything more. It was the best first date. When he walked me to the door, we kissed again, then we said goodnight.

  Tammy wasn’t there when I came home. Her ten-minute visit to Tony’s turned into an overnight reunion. As soon as I reached the bathroom and was taking off my clothes to hop in the shower, nausea took hold. I wound up skipping the shower, opting to go right to sleep instead. I was embarrassed realizing how much I ate on our first date. I piled in so much food that I made myself sick. I vowed on the next date I would eat less. And I did. The next few dates we went on I was very careful keeping my new-found appetite in check.

  Now at work every time I see Corey, my face lights up in a bright pink hue.

  He comes over to the counter and I stand straight, tucking my hair behind my ears. “Hey, what’s up?” I ask in what I hope sounds like a casual tone. The last couple of weeks we’ve been playing it very cool. No one at work knows we went on a few dates. Our relationship is top secret. It wouldn’t look good for a manager to be dating one of the employees.

  “How’s your register? Do you need change?” he asks in a deliberate tone.

  I open the drawer to the register, which is appropriately filled with more than enough change. “Yes, it looks like I could use some more singles.”

  “Okay, why don’t you come in the back and I’ll get you some more singles. Gina, cover for Shayna, she’ll be right back.”

  Gina takes my place behind the register and I sneak into the office where Corey shuts the door. He leans me up against the cold steel door and we spend three fiery minutes with our lips locked. I push my hands into his shoulders, breaking us apart. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

  “We won’t get caught.” He smiles and leans back in for another kiss. I cave, letting his lips take over and I run my hands up through his sunny blond hair. A guy like Corey is everything I want. He’s the type of guy I came to Florida hoping to find. I tip my head to the side and he kisses my neck. We’ve been sneaking moments like this in the back room and office whenever we can.

  The dates we’ve been on have all been amazing, but this week when he’s asked me to go out, I’ve yet to say ‘yes,’ making up lame excuses. Something is holding me back.

  “Tonight, after work,” his tongue touches the bottom of my ear, “go out with me. We can go out anywhere you want and then I’ll take you back to my place.”

  “I can’t.” I’m breathless, desperately wishing I could say yes to him.

  “Please, I promise you won’t regret it.” His hand slips under my shirt, rubbing over my bra. The tenderness in my breasts is a reminder why I need to stop him.

  “No, really, I can’t.” A moan escapes my lips from his touch, confusing him. I’m sending mixed signals. My mouth is saying ‘no,’ my body saying ‘yes.’ “Corey, I’m sorry, we can’t do this anymore.”

  “What are you talking about?” His hands return to his sides, allowing me to think clearly again.

  “I’m just not ready for anything serious.” I lie. Nothing could be further from the truth. Saying that pains me, actual pain pooling deep inside my chest.

  He backs away from me, taking a deep breath. His mouth sets in a straight line. “Well, then I guess you better
get back up front,” he says, pissed. I don’t blame him a bit. I’m completely into him and rejecting him at the same time without even giving him a real reason.

  Returning back behind the counter, Gina eyes me suspiciously. Shoot, I came back empty handed without the supposed singles I needed. I shrug it off. I’ve got bigger problems. Tonight when I get home, I need to just do what I need to do and get it over with. Putting it off any longer won’t change the outcome.

  Corey doesn’t offer to drive me home after work. He makes up some story about needing to stay late and double-check some numbers. Nodding my head I make a feeble attempt to smile at him. It’s fine, it would have been awkward anyway.

  Flicking on the light in the apartment, I’m relieved, but not surprised, to see Tammy is out. Once again, I’m back to spending the nights alone.

  There’s no extra space in the apartment so most of my clothes are still packed. The old red suitcase is my makeshift dresser. Digging under my clothes, I reach my hand to the bottom and pull out the bag hidden inside.

  Do it quick, it may not even be what you think.

  The directions are clear, the results will be obvious. One line - not pregnant. Two lines - pregnant.

  Business done, I set the test on the edge of the counter and wait. My hands tremble and my knees shake. How did I get here? Our ‘movie’ at the beach plays back in my head.

  “I love you, Shayna. I can’t live without you.”

  “This is what a guy in love does. He takes care of his woman.”

  “Are you gonna let me make love to you tonight?”

  “Wait. Do you have a condom?”

  “We don’t need one. I’m good.”

  “What do you mean? How are you good?”

  “I know when I’m gonna come, so I just pull out.”

  “Um, but what if you don’t?”

  “Trust me. Once I feel it, I’ll pull out in plenty of time. Nothing will get in you, I swear it.”

  I pick up the test, two lines. I’m pregnant.

  “I won’t let anything bad happen to you, ever.”