Love Notes

by Michelle Windsor

  I stand and walk over to him, his eyes following my approach, then slide the glass from his fingers and set it down on the counter. “I have things I need to say to you, and I need you to be present, okay?”

  He grabs my face in his hands and looks at me, his eyes a bit wild. “You’re going to be okay, though, right, Syd? You can get surgery or chemo or whatever you need, and you’re going to be okay, right?”

  I close my eyes, knowing if I keep looking into his, I’m going to break apart. When I shake my head, I hear him whimper and then feel his lips against mine, his tongue sweeping across my lips, the taste of the whiskey invading my mouth. I let him kiss me, and I don’t stop myself from wrapping my arms around him and kissing him back because we both need this. This one moment of comfort in the worst possible moment of our lives.

  His lips break away from mine, and he’s peppering kisses all over my cheeks, my eyes, my nose, all while still cradling me in his large hands as he does, and I open my eyes because I feel wet drops hitting my face. I gulp back my own grief when I realize they are tears raining from his closed eyes. “I’m sorry, Justin. I’m so, so sorry.”

  He pulls me into his arms and holds me against him so tight, his chest vibrating as he cries. I can barely breathe from the pressure, but I don’t care. Right now, right here at this moment, in his arms, I can’t help but think that this wouldn’t be a bad way to die. But then I picture Tini, and I know there’s still so much more to say. I let him hold me until his body no longer trembles then move to extricate myself from his grip. This time, I take his hand and pull him to the couch.

  “How long? How long have you been sick, Syd?” His eyes are red and swollen, a weariness to them I’ve never seen before.

  “A little more than two years.” I shut my eyes when I see him flinch, knowing he wants to know why I didn’t come sooner, and then open them and continue. “It started with a lump in my breast. It was removed, but the cancer had already spread to my lymph nodes. We did chemo and radiation, but then it was in my uterus. So, they removed that and my ovaries.”

  “Oh my God, Sydney.” He scoots closer to me and looks at me, his face a mask of pain. “Why didn’t you call me? I would have come. I would have helped.”

  “There’s nothing you could have done.” I shrug sadly.

  “I could have held your hand. I could have gone to the hospital with you. I would have taken care of you, Syd.”

  I wipe at the tears beginning to trickle from the seams of my eyes and force myself to be stronger for him. He’s going to be so angry when I tell him everything. “It doesn’t matter anymore because none of it worked. It’s in my liver and my brain. There’s nothing more that can be done.”

  He stands and paces back and forth in front of me. I watch, letting him absorb the news until he stops. “There has to be something else they can do. Sydney, I have so much money. I can call whoever the best is at this and get them to see you. I’m not going to let you give up.”

  I smile weakly, understanding his need to try to fix me, but I already know. I’ve accepted the reality of the situation and try to tell him just that. “There’s nothing more to do. We’ve tried chemo and radiation, and, Justin, they can’t take my brain out.”

  “So that’s it?” His voice raises as he throws his hands in the air. “You’re just going to give up? You’re only twenty-seven years old, Syd!”

  “I’ve been fighting this for two years. Believe me, I’ve done everything that can be done.” I purse my lips together and wait for the next explosion, which he delivers as expected.

  “Then what the hell are you here for?” He stops in front of me, his face flushed. “Why come here? Are you punishing me? Is this your way of getting back at me?”

  I shake my head and stand on shaky legs, reaching out for his hands as I do, taking each one in mine. “There’s nothing to punish you for. We’ve both made choices that, at the end of the day, has brought us to this very moment.”

  His eyes narrow as he looks down at me. “Then why? Why put me through this pain, Sydney? Why come to me now if you’re just going to leave me again? I’ve already lost you once and it almost killed me. I don’t want to do this again.”

  “Because we have a daughter.” His whole body tightens as his eyes widen and he staggers back away from me. “You have a daughter, Justin.”

  * * *

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  I have a daughter? What the hell is she talking about? “What?” I stumble back until I feel the wall against my back and stop. “What did you say?”

  “I had a baby. Your baby, Justin. Three years ago.” Her voice is even and calm, making me question if this is a dream.

  “You had a baby three years ago?” I ask in disbelief. “And you’re telling me it’s mine?”

  I watch as she nods. “She was born March twenty-fifth. Do the math. Four years ago is the summer I spent with you.”

  Cocking my head, I count the months backward, even though I know this isn’t something she would make up. So, this means she got pregnant in June? I look at her, confusion swirling in my brain. “Did you know you were pregnant when I moved to Brooklyn?”

  She shakes her head. “Not until the day I came home from seeing you in Brooklyn.”

  “But you got pregnant in June? How could you not have known?” I question.

  “I got pregnant in August, but she came five weeks early.” She walks over to me and tries to take my hand. “Will you come back and sit on the couch. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”

  I rip my hand from her, anger now surging through my veins. “I want to know why the hell you didn’t tell me I had a daughter! Have a daughter! And she’s three! How could you keep that from me, Sydney? How? I have a three-year-old daughter that I’ve never seen!”

  She flinches at the end of each angry question I throw at her but doesn’t back away from me. “Actually, you have seen her.” She pulls a cell phone out of her dress pocket, scrolls through it, and then hands it to me. “Press play.”

  I look at her suspiciously as I take the phone and then press play. I watch as it begins and tilt my head at the memory. It’s me, holding Tini in the bar, singing softly to her. I remember that day clearly. It was the last time I went looking for Syd. When the video finishes, I look at her and raise my shoulders in question. “This is Kelly’s baby. Tini.”

  She shakes her head. “She’s our baby. Kelly was watching her for me that day. You missed me by ten minutes.”

  “Tini’s mine? My daughter?” I’m dumbstruck.

  “Her name is Justine Madison. We started calling her Tini on account of how small she was when she was born, and it stuck.”

  I swing my head up and stare wide-eyed at her. “You named her after me?”

  She gives me a small smile and nods. “It was as close as I could get to Justin Matthew. But I did give her my last name. I figured you got the first two. Plus, I don’t know, the whole fame thing with you, and I didn’t know what was going to happen between me and you and her.”

  “Do my parents know?”

  “No one except my dad and Kelly’s family knows about her. I left town after Kelly’s wedding and didn’t come back except to visit.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “I moved to the Gulf coast. I lived with my aunt at first, and then bought my own little house after my second book was published.”

  As her words sink in, and the realization that I was holding my own daughter and didn’t even know it registers, I stagger over to the couch and collapse onto it. A thousand thoughts are running through my head, and I don’t know to process any of them. In the span of ten minutes, I found out the love of my life is dying and that I have a daughter. “How could you keep this from me?”

  She moves to join me on the couch but sits so there is more distance between us now. She’s quiet for a few minutes, and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s going to say anything when she finally starts talking. “It’s funny, that summer we were together.
We loved each other so much. I never thought anything would have been able to separate us.”

  “You left, Syd. I didn’t know where to find you.”

  “Justin, I told you where to find me. You never came.”

  I look at her, bewildered by her statement. “You never told me where to find you, and Kelly and your dad wouldn’t tell me where you were. When? When did you tell me?”

  “Didn’t you read the notebook?”

  “What notebook? Your notebook?”

  Her head bounces up and down. “Yes! I put it in with the guitar I left for you.”

  I swing my head slowly back and forth. “Syd, I haven’t opened that since I read it at your house four years ago.”

  “What?” Surprise ratchets the tone of her voice up three octaves. “You never read the notebook?” A look of painful realization sweeps over her face before she places her head in her hands and begins to weep. She lifts her head once to look at me, shakes it, and then begins crying harder, hiding her face again in her hands. Not sure why she’s crying, and her not seemingly able to explain, I stand and go to the door.

  I pull it open and ask the security guard to find Greg, and then ask him to bring the case for my Martin back here. I pace back and forth, listening to her sob, wanting to tear my damn hair out, waiting for Greg. Finally, there’s a knock at the door and Greg’s voice on the other side. “Justin, I’ve got the case.”

  I open the door, take the case, and give him a nod of thanks. His hand slams against the door before I can close it, and I snap my head up to find him staring back at me, brows raised, lips pursed tightly.

  “What?” I ask, irritation flaring.

  “You okay? You’ve been in there awhile.”

  “I’m good. Nothing for you to worry about.”

  “We flying out tonight, or you want to wait until morning?”

  I turn my head toward the couch where Sydney’s sitting, not sure how long this is going to take, and then back to him. “Better make it tomorrow morning.”

  He releases his hand from the door and steps back. “I’m here if you need anything. Okay? Anything at all.”

  I appreciate his concern and smile gratefully at him. “Thanks, man.” I shut the door and then walk over to the table near the couch to open the case. Greg put the Martin back in, so I lift it out and lean it carefully against one of the chairs before lifting the notebook out of the bottom of the case.

  She’s quietly watching everything I’m doing, but when she sees me pull the notebook out, her eyes bug wide. “You have it with you?”

  I nod. “I haven’t taken it out since the first day I found it.” I lean over and motion for her to take it. She stares at it, not moving. I shake it in front of her. “Take it.” She reaches out slowly and takes it in her hand. “Show me.”

  She looks up at me, her brows creased, her lower lip clenched between her teeth, and then sets the notebook on her lap and turns the pages until she finds the last one written on. She turns the notebook around so it’s facing me and then swings her gaze back up to me.

  * * *

  WHEN I READ the words I scribbled on the page of this notebook so very long ago, I think back to the day I wrote them and comprehend how naïve I was. Never in a million years did I think he wouldn’t open the notebook and read it. How could I have left so much to chance? All the years I wasted that we could have been together. All the years I thought that us not being together was his choice. I read the words now and realize in vain how very, very stupid I was.

  * * *

  Justin,

  Take my words, just like you took my heart

  Everything I am has been yours from the start

  You decide from here if we stay or part

  Either way, your love I will forever impart

  Xoxo

  Sydney

  * * *

  The choice is yours.

  37529 Juniper Lane

  Gulf City, Florida

  * * *

  I WATCH him as he reads the page, trying to figure out what’s going through his mind as his eyes scan back and forth. His lips press firmly together. When he finally looks up at me, his face pale, his eyes creased from frowning, he simply shakes his head and then stands up and walks to the bar. He snatches the glass of whiskey he filled earlier and takes a long swig out of it.

  He turns toward me and lifts the glass in a cheering motion as a weird smile breaks across his face. “Here’s to fucking up our life with one Goddamn love note.” He brings the glass to his mouth and swallows what’s left before slamming it back down on the counter. “Seriously? You seriously think that I chose not to be with you?”

  I watch as he pulls the top off the bottle of Macallan and fills the glass halfway. He glances over and waves one hand in the air when he sees my concerned expression. “Oh, don’t you worry. I’m fucking present. There’s not enough Goddamn whiskey in this room to get me drunk enough to drown out the shit happening here right now.”

  He’s pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him angry before. He strolls back over to me, one hand in his pocket, the other holding his drink, and stares down at me. He shrugs and scoffs. “I don’t get it, Syd. I mean, fine, be pissed at me because I didn’t show up to Kelly’s wedding. But to be so pissed that you fucking pick up and leave the damn state? And, then, not even tell me you’re having my baby? How could you keep that from me? What the hell were you thinking? Don’t you know me at all? Do you want to know how badly my heart fucking bled for you? How much it hurt me to have you just disappear like that?”

  I open my mouth to answer, but he shoves the hand holding the whiskey out, motioning for me to stop. “I’m so Goddamn mad at you right now.” He points a shaking finger at me, yelling. “This is your fault! Yours! All this time, I thought it was me. But it was you! You did this!”

  Tears run in a steady stream down my face, but I don’t move to wipe them away. I know he’s right, and I know nothing I can say will fix what I broke.

  “Say something, Goddamn it!” I jump at the anger in his demand and look up at him, opening my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

  “Jesus Christ!” His fingers drag through his hair as he paces around in frustration.

  I’m looking at the stupid, stupid words I wrote, so many things I wish I could go back and change swirling through my mind. I close my eyes, scrunching my lids tightly to try to block them out, and feel him sit down next to me.

  “Why? Can you just tell me why, Syd?” His tone is calmer but still filled with anger as he asks.

  “I thought you didn’t want me. I thought you chose.” I practically whisper the words and then look directly at him. “It never occurred to me that you didn’t see the note.”

  He stares back at me, silent, for several long minutes. “But the baby. How could you not tell me about the baby? How could you keep that from me? From my family?”

  My head rocks back and forth as I say the words, knowing they sound trite and wrong now that I know he didn’t choose this. “I was so hurt when you didn’t come. At first, I just went to Auntie Wendy’s to wait for you, thinking it would be a day or two. Maybe a week. But you never came. I thought you gave up on me. On us. Why would you want our baby if you didn’t even want me?”

  “Oh, Sydney.” He looks up at the ceiling, his lips closed tightly, and I wonder if he’s praying for strength, or to God for help, but then see tears sliding down his face. My heart breaks for the millionth time tonight as I witness his pain and know that I did this to him. I reach for his hand, but when I touch him, he shakes me away and then drags it down his face, wiping away the tears. “So, what do you want from me? Why did you come? Why now?”

  “Isn’t it obvious, Justin?” I look down at my frail form, at the body I don’t even recognize anymore, and then back at him. “I don’t have a lot of time left. I need to decide what to do with Justine. I can leave her to Kelly if you don’t want her.”

  His eyes blaze a dark blue as he whips his gaze to mine.
“The hell you will! She’s my daughter, even if I’ve never had the chance to be her father. You aren’t going to keep that right from me anymore.”

  I nod, not able to argue with him because I know now that what I’ve done has cost us all. “Justin, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want the same thing. I just—I thought—well, it doesn’t matter what I thought anymore. I was wrong. You can see her anytime you want.”

  I lean over and slide the notebook toward me, grabbing a loose pen that’s sitting on the table. I turn the page, signifying so much with one flip of the paper, burying the note, and write down my address in Florida for him.

  Now that I’ve said everything I can, I stand. I’m exhausted and weak and feel like I’m about to collapse. He lifts his gaze from the notebook to me, a look of concern sweeping quickly across his features. “I need to go.” I point to the address I’ve left for him. “That’s where you can find us.”

  “You’re leaving?” His voice is finally soft again.

  I nod. Honestly, I don’t want to go. I want him to take me in his arms and tell me he forgives me and that he never stopped loving me. I want him to make me feel so good that I forget I’m dying, that I’m never going to see my little girl grow up, and that I’m never going to know what it feels like to have forever with someone. I just can’t for one more second, though. One more second and I’m going to break apart at the seams that I’ve barely been holding together for so, so long.

  Instead, I move and place a dry kiss on his cheek. I inhale deeply when I do, savoring his heat and the smell of him and the whiskey on his breath, and I whisper one more time, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Justin.”

  He doesn’t stop me when I walk away, when I turn the handle of the door, when I walk through, or when I stand out in the hallway. Every single thing I held on to for the last four years, I leave behind as the door slams shut.