by Cari Quinn
When she shortened my name, I knew she was serious. Giving in, I rolled out of bed. “Okay. I’m up.”
As I changed my clothes, I watched Delaney carefully. She looked way too excited to go sweat and torture herself with weights and medicine balls. Although I didn’t care if she and my brother hooked up, I wanted to know the truth. If I asked my brother, I doubt he’d tell me anything. Even though we were close growing up, we had distanced ourselves since being in college. He never shared his thoughts or feelings about girls, and vice versa. He kept it all to himself and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was due to our parent’s strict upbringing or if he was just as inexperienced as I was. Regardless, I’d make one of them spill it.
Delaney reached for the doorknob and I stuck out my hand, stopping her from opening it. “Before we go, I need to ask you something.”
“What?” Her eyes bulged and her chest rose rapidly. “What is it?”
“What’s up between you and Luke?”
“Your brother?”
I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at her. “Yes, my brother.”
“N-nothing. Why?” She pulled the rubber band out of her long, dark hair and moved toward the mirror to redo her ponytail. Her hands worked quickly and she fidgeted, becoming more frustrated with her strands of tangled hair.
“Don’t lie to me, Laney.”
She flung around, knowing that when I used her nickname, I meant business, too.
“Why do you think something’s up between us?” She approached me head-on and I noticed that she had on too much makeup for working out. Her lips were a perfect shiny nude and her cheeks had a shimmering rose tint, not to mention the thick layer of eyeliner coupled with lashes maxed out in mascara.
“Because of the way you two have been acting around each other.”
“And how’s that? We’re not acting differently.”
“Seriously?” I laughed. Delaney couldn’t hold a poker face to save her life. Then again, neither could I. That’s why I knew I could trust her. She was a genuine, no nonsense kind of girl. An only child brought up on a farm with goats and chickens by her adopted parents, she was the wild, country girl that had basically seen and done everything before arriving at college. Despite her cute Texas twang, she warned me that she wasn’t innocent and knew how to party with the big boys.
“You two have been talking a lot when I’m not around.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, adjusting her workout-top that made her boobs pop out. “I won’t talk to him again if it bothers you that much.”
“I didn’t say that.” Relaxing my shoulders, I placed my hand on her arm. “If you want to date him, I’m okay with that; I’d just like to know.”
She let out a deep breath. “Well, we’re not dating, so you don’t have anything to worry about.” Giving a quick glance to her phone, she said, “Let’s go. I want to try out this new class called Yogalates. You should try it with me.”
“No thanks. I’m going to work out with Collin.”
“Oh.” She winked as we headed to the rec center.
If I could only be so lucky.
We entered the gym and spotted Collin and Luke at the free weights along with several other guys testing their manhood as they grunted and moaned while pressing the weights. I had to admit, the scene was divine, but I zeroed in on my guy. A thin sheen of sweat covered his face and arms and I couldn’t help but imagine how he would look naked, hovering over my body after a round of hot sex.
Oh my God! Why is that the first thing that pops into my head?
No matter how hard I tried to keep my mind from going there, I couldn’t deny what I wanted and needed from him. My body was crying out for his attention.
“I’ll meet you in an hour,” Delaney informed me as she went in the opposite direction.
“Okay, see you later.”
I approached Collin from behind and turned on my sexy voice. “Are you working out hard?”
He flinched and nearly dropped the weight. “Lexi,” he said with an exacerbated breath, “I didn’t hear you behind me.”
“Sorry.” I fingered his sandy blond hair, eager to dive my hands through his thick layers. He tilted his head away from my hand and I got the message. He didn’t want me to touch him. But I wasn’t giving up.
“Don’t ever do that.” He wiped his face with his hand towel. “I could have hurt myself or worse, hurt you.”
“Whatever.” I waved off his exaggerated remark, although it hurt because I wanted him to respond willingly to my teasing. “I thought you could work me out. You know, show me your routine.” I leaned against the arm curl bench, trying to entice him.
“You want me to show you how to work out?” He shifted the dumbbell to his other hand, his eyes darting back and forth between me and the mirror in front of him.
“Yes, please.” I bit down on my lower lip, trying to pull off an erotic look.
“Why don’t you ask your brother? He’s the trainer.”
“If you want, I can show you a few things,” Luke puffed before pressing a bar up in the air.
Luke was majoring in Exercise Sport Science and worked part-time at the rec center. If he didn’t land a contract with a professional baseball team, his backup plan was to be a trainer. We both knew he was only playing to appease my parents. In reality, he would be the best one to train me, but I didn’t want that.
“I was hoping to spend some time with you.” I dragged two fingers along the curves of muscles in his forearm, leaving behind a trail of bumps.
Collin dropped the weight with a loud thud. “Um… we can start with the machines.” He got up from the bench, adjusting his shorts, and then picked up the dumbbell.
Yes!
“Hey, Sis, did you come by yourself?” Luke took a few deep breaths as he moved his head from side to side, popping his bones.
“Stop. I hate when you do that.” I shuddered, trying to displace the visual. I don’t know why the sound gave me the hebegeebees, but it did. “No, I came with Delaney.”
“Oh, you did?” He looked around, expressing a little too much interest in locating her.
“Yeah, she’s in some yoga class.”
“Okay. I’ll find her later.” He sat down on a bench and resumed his workout.
I eyed him for a moment, debating if I should ask him what was going on between them, but I was too anxious to work out with Collin.
“I’m going to show her a few things and then I’ll be back,” Collin informed Luke while nodding at me to follow him.
“Later,” Luke responded.
I latched on to his arm as he led the way to a row of machine weights. He leaned over and I watched him closely as he adjusted the weight and sat down. “So, what you are going to do is bring your arms together in a slow, controlled movement. Like this,” he said, demonstrating the movement. I watched the muscles swell from under his shirt. With each squeeze, they tensed and it teased me. I told myself to take things slow, but my body was humming with desire. I was dying to touch him, feel him, run my hands all over his body.
Something I had never done before.
Something I wanted to do.
“Then, release it back into position slowly.” He smiled at me with soft, pillowy lips.
“Okay,” I responded, though I wasn’t paying much attention. My head spun as a beckoning call simmered inside of me, urging me to take action. Grabbing his face between my hands, I pressed my lips to his. I thrust my tongue into his mouth, eager to taste him, and released all of the endorphins that had built up over time.
In one swift movement, he pushed me away. “Lexi, what are you doing?” He wiped his lips with the back of his hand, removing my taste from him, as though he didn’t want any trace of me on him.
My heart sank.
Why didn’t he want me?
“Sorry, I just… I couldn’t resist you.” I bit back the tears, refusing to cry. Maybe that was what I needed to do. Cry and beg him to take me. Prove that we weren’t making t
he wrong decision.
Was it a crime for our tongues to cross? Did he not find me attractive?
I noticed the other girls in the gym. My lanky body couldn’t compete with their curvy legs and perfect bubble butts. Dressed in their skin-tight yoga pants and push-up exercise bras, I looked like a homeless person in baggy sweats and a worn out PHU T-shirt. No wonder he didn’t want me. I was nothing compared to these girls. Instead of crying and begging for his forgiveness, I let the wrong emotion take over.
Anger.
“You need to control yourself. We are in public.” He looked around, ensuring no one was paying attention to us.
“Let them watch,” I said boldly, testing my limits. “You’re my fiancé. If I want to kiss you, I will.” I had been patient, respecting his wishes of waiting to have sex until marriage. The least he could do was express how he felt about me, show me how much he loved me.
I needed him to caress me.
Kiss me.
Tease me.
Hell, at least flirt with me.
Do something aside from being kind and respectful. I was tired of waiting for him to take the reins. Unfortunately, my decision to take control failed. I had been deprived my entire life. I had been a good girl for way too long, always doing what my parents asked of me.
Perfect, respectful, honorable Lexi.
I may have landed a damn hot guy, but what did it matter if he resisted showing me his love?
He ran a hand down his face. “We need to be more respectful—”
“It was just a kiss,” I interrupted, crossing my arms and balling my hands tightly underneath me. I felt the need to defend my actions. To my fiancé. The man I was supposed to marry. The man who was supposed to be my happily ever after.
He tilted his head to the side. His boyish charm made it difficult to stay mad, but I held my ground.
“You were sticking your tongue down my throat.”
“And?” I bit back the string of expletive words dying to come out of my mouth.
“That’s not being discrete and it sure isn’t honoring you.”
“Oh, to hell with my honor! I want you to just—”
“Lexi, what’s wrong with you?” He stood up and crossed his arms, as if ready to challenge me. “You’re acting crazy.”
“No, I’m not.” I stomped my foot.
“Yes, you are,” he sneered.
I knew I was acting childish and Collin pointing it out only made it worse. “Forget it.” I threw my hands up in the air. “You’re so damn reserved at times… it drives me crazy.” I spun on my heels and headed for the door.
“Lexi, wait,” he called, but I picked up the pace until I was running. Even though I knew that was the wrong thing to do, I didn’t know how to handle the rejection. I was such a failure. Love really sucked. I thought I could entice Collin. Instead, I only pushed him away.
* * *
Hot tears streamed down my face as I ran to Charter Hall. I resisted the urge to turn around to see if Collin was following me, but I had a feeling I was alone. As I ran up the steps, I wiped away the evidence of my pain. After all, I was being stupid. Collin did love me. When it came to expressing his feelings, he just didn’t know how. He was so hung up on honoring me that he failed to realize how much I needed his affection.
He had to care about me, right?
Otherwise, why had he asked me to marry him? Confusion clouded my brain and there was only one thing I knew would help.
I passed through the foyer of my dormitory and entered the lounge area. Easing onto the padded bench, I placed my hands on the ivory keys of the large grand piano. I had been playing since I was a child and used it to de-stress on a regular basis. The beautiful sound always relaxed me and I found myself playing for hours at a time. My fingers strummed across the bars, choosing to play, Say Something, a song Delaney had begged me to learn. I had told her it was the most depressing song ever, but it fit my situation perfectly. Recalling the words, I whispered them under my breath.
The tears reappeared, but I didn’t bother to wipe them away. Big drops fell as I pounded the keyboard, pouring my heart and soul into it. Why was life so painful? Getting married was supposed to be a joyous occasion, not heart wrenching. All the signs were there, I was just avoiding them at all costs.
If Collin would only love me the way I deserved to be loved.
“Lexi?” Delaney placed a hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?”
I stopped playing. Unable to look at her, I buried my face in my hands and wept uncontrollably. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.
“What happened? Collin said you got mad and left.”
“I can’t do this, Delaney,” I mumbled through sobbing gasps.
“Do what? What are you talking about?” She handed me a couple of tissues and I wiped my eyes and nose.
I tried to talk, but the tears wouldn’t stop. Every emotion, every doubt, washed down my cheeks in an uncontrollable stream.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me upstairs to the suite we shared. She sat me on my bed and handed me a bottle of water. I took a few sips, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t gain control. These emotions had been tearing me apart on the inside and I had held them back for too long. They wouldn’t be trapped any longer. Pulling my hair to the side, she placed a cool washcloth on the back of my neck.
“Look at me, Lexi.”
I peeked from behind the wad of tissues.
“I want you to relax and take a few deep breaths.” She mimicked the action, extending her hands out to the side. I couldn’t help laughing. She must have learned it from her yoga class.
Laughing and crying, I was one hot mess.
“What? What’s so funny?” Confusion tainted her question.
Shaking my head, I leaned against her. “Things are so screwed up between Collin and me.”
She embraced my cheek with her right hand. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Even though we were friends, I had never shared details about our relationship, aside from telling her how wonderful he was and how lucky I was to have him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Collin and I were friends, nothing more. Not even friends with benefits.
“Collin refuses to show me any affection.”
With a raised bow, she said, “I’ve noticed he’s not the affectionate type.”
“And it sucks because he won’t have sex with me,” I mumbled.
Her head jerked. “What do you mean? Like tonight or…”
“Ever. Until we’re married,” I clarified.
She grabbed the water bottle from my hand and took a huge gulp. “You mean to tell me y’all have never done it?”
My head fell to my chest. “Nope. We’re virgins.”
“Seriously?”
I nodded, embarrassed to admit why I was crying.
She took a deep breath. “I just thought he was the private type. You know, preferring to keep things between you and him. I figured you two were screwing at his place.”
“Gross.” I cringed and my body shivered. “He lives with my brother and two other guys.”
“So.” She threw her hands up in the air, like it was no big deal. “He has his own room, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah, but my brother would probably tell my parents.”
She threw herself back, hitting the bed. “My God, you are a twenty-year-old woman who’s engaged to be married. Your parents need to get over this, and so does Luke. This isn’t the nineteen-fifties for crying out loud! You two need to test the waters before you say, ‘I do’.”
“Tell me about it,” I sighed.
“And how long have you two been together?”
“Four years.”
“Damn, that’s a long time to wait.” Leaning on her elbows, she said, “Please tell me you two have at least spent the night together somewhere?”
“When was the last time you saw him stay here
with me?”
She tapped a finger to her lips. “Uh… come to think of it, never. What about when I’m gone? Speaking of, I’m going to the farm this weekend. It’s my dad’s birthday, so you’ll have the place to yourself.”
Another tear escaped. “It won’t make a difference if you’re gone or not. He refuses to lay next to me, touch me…”
Her mouth fell open for a quick second. “Now that’s extreme. What’s wrong with that boy?”
I shook my head. “His parents are really hardcore when it comes to their beliefs.”
“Their beliefs in what?”
Taking in a deep breath, I explained, “A while back, when I was at their house, I saw this book lying on the kitchen counter. It caught my attention, so I thumbed through it. It was about teaching your kids to not have sex before marriage.”
“Okay.” She leaned in further, waiting for me to tell her more.
“It also promoted homeschooling, keeping your children safe from the outside world, preparing your daughters to be homemakers, and instilling no dating, no kissing, no touching…”
“What the hell? No one can shelter their kids to that extent, unless they are trying to raise a priest or something.”
I stared at the picture of me with my family on my desk. “Well, that’s what my parents have tried to do to me and Luke. That’s why I’m sick of this. I can’t live like this any longer.” It was clear why they wanted me to be a teacher. They had my life completely planned for me and I hated them for that.
“Shit. I just thought your parents were really overprotective.”
“Yeah, me too. I kind of understand where Collin’s coming from when he tells me he has to abide by his father’s wishes and remain a virgin until marriage.”
“Oh, hell no,” she pulled the band out of her hair, “that wouldn’t work for me.”
I sighed. “I know! It’s not working for me either. I need that level of intimacy with him.”
“I don’t know how you’ve lasted this long.” She worked the tangles out of her hair. “I have to take a test drive. You know… make sure I can shift his gears and ensure he knows how to put the pedal to the metal.”
“Laney, TMI!”
“Sorry, but if he can’t make me scream, there’s no point.”
