by Cari Quinn
“Lalalala.” I placed my hands over my ears. “I can’t hear you.”
She pulled my hands away. “Stop, you’re acting like a child.”
“Well, I don’t want to know how you like it. It was bad enough that I had to hear you the other night.”
“Oh my God, no you didn’t.” Her face turned beet red.
“Yes, I did.”
“But my room’s on the other side of the living room,” she reasoned, confusion spreading across her face.
“You’re quite loud and these walls are paper thin,” I reminded her.
“Sorry.” Her voice lilted a plea of forgiveness. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but what did you expect? Collin’s a preacher’s son.” She quickly averted, focusing on my dilemma.
I lifted my feet to the bed, resting my chin against my knees. “I know, but aren’t they supposed to be the worst ones?”
“Well, let me put it this way, the ones I knew back home weren’t virgins. I can tell you from first-hand experience.”
“Oh, Laney, why couldn’t my life have been more like yours?”
She sprung up. “Wait a minute—you have no idea what you’re wishing for. My life was far from good.”
“Yeah, but it beats being kept under lock and key and deprived of enjoying life.”
“Maybe, but…” She popped the band around her wrist a few times. “Never mind. I don’t want to talk about my life right now. This is about you.” Delaney always avoided sharing details about her childhood. All I knew was that her parents had died when she was young. Her pain and hurt was obvious, even after many years.
I let out another big sigh. “I’m just so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
She raised a brow. “What’s your gut telling you to do?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” My throat tightened, refusing to speak the truth.
She continued popping the rubber band and even though it agitated me, I figured it was a way for her to self soothe, so I didn’t say anything. “Don’t stop, keep going. It’s good to get this out in the open.”
“I-I don’t know if I should marry Collin.”
“Whoa!” The rubber band snapped in half, flying in two separate directions. “Are you sure about that?”
Thoughts ravaged my mind. I wasn’t sure of anything at that point. “I don’t know, I just… ugh! I feel like I need something, anything to prove to me that he loves me.”
“Just because you two haven’t had sex doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”
“I know that.” I roughly wiped another stray tear. “But when I’m with him, I don’t feel anything… God, Laney, I feel like we’re just friends. Like our relationship is strictly platonic.”
“Are you attracted to him?”
“Of course I am. He’s good looking and has a damn hot body.”
If only I could see him naked.
“And tonight, I actually got brave and tried to come on to him, but he pushed me away.”
“Why do you think he did that, aside from not wanting to have sex?”
Delaney always asked the good questions; too bad she never asked herself those questions before doing stuff she later regretted.
“He claimed that French kissing wasn’t honoring me and we shouldn’t be doing that in public.” I heaved a deep breath. “Why won’t he make out with me? It’s not like the fires of Hell are going to consume him.” I threw my hands up in the air as the frustration released. “I’m his finance, damn it! That has to stand for something, right?”
Delaney nodded, allowing me to vent all my frustrations. “It should. Y’all do that stuff in private, right?”
“No,” I whined.
“What?” The whites of her eyes bulged. “You’re kidding right?”
“I’m telling you, we’ve only shared sweet kisses and held hands. What if things don’t get better once we’re married? What am I supposed to do then? Marriage is a huge step and I… I just don’t know if I’m ready for that.” I squeezed my arms tighter around my body, convincing myself that it was okay to admit the truth.
“Look,” she sighed, “I’m going to be honest with you. Regardless of staying on home plate, you should both have a strong attraction toward one another and be in love. Like, visibly in love.”
She stared at me, waiting for an answer. I turned my head, averting her questioning gaze.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
Nodding, I said, “Well, yeah. I’ve been with him forever.”
“Just because you two have been together for four years doesn’t mean you should get married.”
“I know, but our parents, family, and friends are expecting us to marry.”
“Lexi, that’s not why people get married.” She latched on to both of my arms, forcing me to look at her. “People agree to marry because they are in love and can’t live without each other. Their feelings run deep and in essence have become one. They know that they can’t live without the other. Do you and Collin have that type of love?”
I pressed my lips together. “Sweet pecks and holding hands isn’t enough for me to know.”
“Then you need to ask yourself a very important question.”
I hesitated for a moment, searching her eyes for what she was trying to make me see. “Do we love each other enough to get married?”
“Exactly.”
Σ
Chapter Four
It took me the rest of the week to pull myself together, but I still wasn’t sure how to solve my problem. Collin had texted me that night, apologizing if he hurt my feelings. Eager to move forward, I forgave him and told him I was sorry, too. Thankfully, Raven had canceled our Thursday session so I didn’t have him to distract me. As an offering of peace, Collin asked me out on a date and I chose a movie.
I took my time getting dressed, making sure I had the perfect outfit, makeup and hair. My number one goal was to look sexy for Collin. If we were getting married, I had to make sure he was attracted to me. Like Delaney had said, we needed an unfailing love for one another that warranted marriage. Not only did I owe it to myself, but to him. We deserved to be with someone we loved wholeheartedly, not just someone we cared about.
My phone chimed and I eagerly picked it up.
Collin: I’m outside waiting for you.
Me: I’m on my way.
“Delaney, I’m leaving,” I yelled from across the suite.
She rushed into my dorm room. “Wow, you look good,” she said, giving me a once over.
“I don’t look desperate, do I?” I bent down, pushing the socks under my knee-high black boots.
“Well, you are? Aren’t you?”
I looked up, shocked at her comment.
A smile formed across her face. “Relax, I’m just kidding. You look cute and sexy.”
“Well, I wasn’t going for cute, but I’ll take sexy.”
Rearranging my strands of curls, she said, “If this ensemble doesn’t tempt Collin, then I’d have to say that he’s gay.”
I burst out in laughter. “What?”
She shrugged. “Just saying.”
“No, I don’t think so. I mean…” I paused for a moment, pondering her comment. What if she was right? Was he marrying me to please his family and hide his sexual preference? “I hope not.”
“Me too, because that would be a waste of a good piece of ass.”
“Laney!” I slapped her arm. “That’s my fiancé you’re talking about.”
“Sorry.”
My phone chimed again. Giving it a quick glance, I said, “I better go. He’s waiting for me.”
“Have a great time and do everything I would do, okay?” she snickered.
“I’ll try.” I did one last check in the mirror, grabbed my handbag and sweater, and headed out the door.
I walked through the campus commons and toward the small drive where Collin stood outside his pick-up truck with the door open. A gust of air swept between the buildings, kicking up my short, ruffled mi
ni skirt. My hand automatically went down to stop it, but I let go for a quick second, giving Collin a sneak peak. His eyes widened with delight and then he quickly made eye contact with me.
“Breezy tonight?” His voice trembled and I knew that little unplanned event excited him.
“Sure is.” I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. He responded favorably, puckering his lips against mine.
A shudder trickled up my spine, reassuring me this would be a good night.
On the way to the theater, we engaged in small talk. I wanted to discuss our relationship, but I needed more time than the fifteen-minute drive. Collin displayed his perfect manners, opening the doors for me and even holding my hand as we walked from the parking lot to the theater.
“What movie do you want to see?” Collin glanced at the screens as he removed his wallet from his pocket.
“Mortal Instruments,” I said, unable to contain the excitement. The movie had been out for over a month but due to schoolwork, I hadn’t had the chance to see it.
His brows knitted and a deep line formed across his forehead. “What’s it about?”
“Relax, you’ll like it.” I rubbed his arm.
He pinned me with a doubtful look. “Is it based on a book?”
“Of course it is,” I smiled. “All the good movies are based on books.”
“I guess.” He nodded with indifference and handed the girl behind the counter his check card.
Entering the auditorium, I quickly took the lead and chose two chairs in the back corner.
“You want to sit this far back?” He scanned the room looking for a closer seat for us.
“Yes, this is fine.” I quickly sat down, not giving him the opportunity to move to another aisle. I did want to sit closer, but I hoped that sitting in the back would give us an opportunity to make out.
We looked over the menu and made our selections. Collin, being the gentleman he was, ordered my food and drink. The second the lights dimmed, I removed my long sweater and draped it over my legs. I grabbed his hand and he willingly held on to it. Slowly, I moved my arm, bringing our hands to my lap. I waited patiently, praying he would make the next move, but he didn’t. Trailers played for upcoming movies and he commented on them. I nodded and agreed. It took a concentrated effort to keep my focus off what I wanted him to do. Desire razzed my insides and I summoned the courage to take the next step.
I shifted and resituated my sweater so it covered our hands. He fidgeted and then leaned in closer toward me. Heat from the palm of his hand warmed my thigh and I tensed as a pulsating sensation shot up between my legs. I imagined his fingers touching me where I wanted him the most. My legs relaxed and my heart pounded inside of my chest. Inch by inch, I guided our hands up my leg, raising my skirt in the process. The roughness of his hand scratched against my skin and I took a few deep silent breaths as the movie began.
I kept my eyes focused on the screen, worried that if I looked at him, he’d pull away. For a long five minutes, I held this position, giving him the chance to act.
Surely, he knew what I wanted him to do.
The words Raven spoke to that girl on the phone repeated in my head and my pulse quickened. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to focus on only Collin. Shifting my hand from underneath his, I pressed his hand firmly against my leg, splaying his fingers near my panties. He jerked his hand away in a swift movement at the same time the waiter appeared with our drinks. The only other time I’d seen him move that fast was on the field. Collin’s hand collided with the tray the waiter held. Soda and ice flew in the air, half of it landing on my lap. I gasped, the sudden coldness extinguishing the sexual heat that flooded my veins.
“Oh, no! Are you okay?” Collin fumbled with his napkin, trying to unfold it.
“Sorry, ma’am.” The waiter handed me a towel from his apron. “Can I get you some more napkins?”
I wiped my hands and then stood up, shaking off the ice cubes clinging to the lace on my skirt. “Yes, please.”
People turned around and I felt horrible for interrupting the movie. How stupid was I to think that I could get Collin to touch me? My cheeks flushed with heat and I saw the regret in Collin’s eyes. Regardless of my idiotic idea, a hint of happiness filtered through me because I couldn’t help but wonder if the waiter hadn’t appeared, would Collin have responded willingly?
Thankfully, the bathrooms had strong hand dryers so I was able to dry off without us having to leave. I hated that I missed some of the movie, but since I knew what happened, it was worth the short escapade. At that point, I was desperate and took what I could, just so I could experience something intimate between us.
He sat still the rest of the movie, keeping his hands to himself. I couldn’t tell if he was mad or frustrated. After the movie, he maintained a safe distance from me as we walked to his truck, immediately crushing that hopeful thought I had after the spill. The ride back to the dorms was uncomfortable. I wanted to talk about what happened, but I was too scared to say anything.
As we neared the university, the lights from the football stadium shone brightly against the black sky. Was Raven practicing for tomorrow’s big game? The more I tried not to think about him, the harder it was. I played with my engagement ring, sliding it half way off my finger and then pushing it back down. I did it repeatedly until my finger burned.
If it would have been Raven sitting next to me, I’m sure he would have given me an orgasm.
“Lexi?”
I jumped at the sound of Collin’s voice. “Huh?”
Where the hell did that come from?
“I said I was sorry you missed some of the movie.” Collin shifted the truck into park.
I stiffened at the sinful thought that had popped in my head. What was wrong with me? I was getting married! I shouldn’t have been thinking things like that, especially about Raven.
Reason number four: Raven’s clouding my mind.
“It’s not your fault.” I took a deep breath. In an effort to prove there was only one guy I should be lusting over, I turned toward him. “Do you want to come up?”
“To your room?” The hesitation in his voice squashed any optimistic thoughts of going further that night, but I refused to give up.
“Yes, silly,” I laughed, trying to ease the tension building in the truck.
He glanced at the clock on his dash. “I better not. It’s almost midnight. I need a good night’s sleep so I can study all day tomorrow. I have a paper due and a test next week, not to mention practice on Wednesday.”
“Okay.” I heaved an audible sigh. “How about we study together tomorrow? Delaney went to the farm so it will be quiet.”
He pressed his lips together and then smiled. “Sure. I’ll be over around eleven.”
“Okay.” I inched closer to him, waiting for his kiss, hoping that my teasing had enticed him enough to want to kiss for a few minutes.
Instead, Collin opened his door and got out of his truck. Walking around, he opened the door for me. “I hope you liked the movie.” He held out his hand to help me exit. His voice sounded so dry and distant that it made me question our relationship again.
“I’d walk you to your dorm, but I can’t leave my truck here or they will tow it.”
I forced a smile. “I know.” I tilted my cheek in his direction and he gave me the customary peck. “Goodnight, Collin.”
“Goodnight, Lexi.”
* * *
The next morning, I ran around the dorm, cleaning and organizing my room along with the living room Delaney and I shared. I wanted everything to be perfect for today’s study date. Going over the details in my head, I planned how I could seduce him in a way that he wouldn’t be able to refuse me. Feeling the warning cramps of my monthly cycle, I pleaded with my body to give me just one more day.
I connected my iPod to my computer and quickly made a playlist of romantic songs. Then, I went to my closet and picked out a casual, but flirty outfit. Leggings paired with an off the shoulder, oversized
shirt would be perfect. I chose a sexy black bra with matching panties and headed to the shower. Taking my time, I shaved any unwanted hair. I wanted my body to be silky-smooth for him.
After giving my hair a natural tousled blow dry, I grabbed my phone.
Me: Good morning, sweetie.
I had never given Collin a pet name, but I wanted to get to him. Make him tingle from his head to his toes. Five minutes passed before I finally received his text.
Collin: Sorry, just got out of the shower.
Me: Mmm, I wish I were there to dry you off.
That was the first time I had ever flirted that hard with him but I figured I’d better step it up. After a long wait, he finally responded.
Collin: I’m running a little late. I’ll be there by noon. Would you like something to eat so we don’t have to leave?
My heart sank. He didn’t even acknowledge my playful suggestion. What would it take to get him to loosen up?
Me: Sure, whatever you want.
Collin: How about a turkey sandwich and chips from the deli down the street?
Me: Perfect.
I thought about telling him that all I wanted was him, naked in my bed, but that inner voice told me that might not be smart. I hesitated to put on any make up. Staring at myself in the mirror, I wondered if he would even notice. I shut the destructive thoughts out of my mind and decided to go with a natural look, spreading a smoky color across my eyelids and light blush on the apples of my cheeks. I finished with a fruity and sparkly lip-gloss.
Thirty minutes later, my phone dinged.
Collin: I’m downstairs.
Butterflies swirled in my stomach.
Me: Okay, I’ll be right there.
I paced myself, walking instead of running down the hall to the elevator. Tingles danced up my spine and I hummed a familiar tune. I stepped out of the elevator and immediately caught a glimpse of my drop-dead gorgeous fiancé. He sported a pair of jeans and a blue and white striped sweater. My eyes traveled over his body. I couldn’t wait to touch the muscles hiding underneath his layers of clothes.
“Hey, Lexi, you look pretty today… not that you don’t look pretty every day.” He flashed a grin and my heart melted.
