Mummy's Still Here

by Jeanne D'Olivier

  She was just about to begin her training when we left the Island. When we returned, whilst she stayed loyal for as long as she dared, in the end the threats had become too much and she cut all contact with me. I understood completely why she had done it. She had her only little boy to protect, but it hurt me deeply nonetheless. I still have the necklace with two entwined hearts she had given me the night before we ran to the US - our two lives had been so close for so long but the chain had broken - as had our friendship.

  It seemed it was not enough to take my child, they wanted to deprive me of every bit of support, every person who cared for me and for M and most importantly to sever his relationship with his life before.

  It is interesting that Britain is the only country in Europe that allows forced adoption. In other countries they cannot do this without a parent's consent. In my mind, what we had experienced was as close to forced adoption as you could get - the only difference was that M had gone to a blood relative - the affects of this had been very closely aligned to what would happen to a child first fostered and then adopted to strangers. In fact, Philip had made the analogy in his representations to the Court.

  Albeit, unlike mothers who have lost children to adoption, I still had limited contact at this point but who knew for how long? I had no confidence that this situation would remain. I could feel M slipping further and further away from me as each day passed and as R tightened his grip on our lives.

  As I carefully placed the remnants of our former life into the cardboard containers, I held a little fawn and white reindeer in my hand and fingered it. We had bought this in Lapland - a holiday filled with fun and laughter - tobogganing, meeting the "real" Santa Claus - whizzing through the snow on a snowmobile - bouncing on a low sleigh being pulled in a circle by a group of baying Huskies and drinking warm berry juice in a wooden tepee in the forest whilst a Finnish woodcutter told us stories of his life. M had been completely enchanted - "the best holiday ever Mummy" his bright little cheeks red with the cold and his blue eyes sparkling with excitement as we rolled in our snow suits in the powdery snow. It had been pure magic.

  I placed the reindeer carefully into the box with all the other memories of our shattered life. Lifting a book off the shelf above his bed - I opened it and read the words "I will love you no matter what." I had read this story to M over and over when he was three. He had loved it - "again Mummy - one more time."

  I could still hear him saying the words as he snuggled close to my chest and put his little arms round my neck.

  So many memories, so many treasured moments, I packed them away one by one and sealed the box.

  At last I was ready to leave the house that had been our home for so many years. My furniture had been collected and was on its way to Buckinghamshire where we would now reside. Our house was an empty shell ringing with the ghosts of laughter and love that had once resided there.

  I locked the door to the cottage and drove the short distance to my father's house - my car packed to the hilt with suitcases and last minute essentials. My little dog sat perched on my lap as we went to spend our last night on the Island with my Dad. I didn't look back. I knew that I would never live in that house again. I knew that it was the end of our life on the Island forever. I would never again call that Scottish Island my home, despite it being the place of my birth. For me it was now a metaphor for everything that had hurt us.

  Dad had cooked supper and we shared the last meal we would have together for a long time. I would miss him. We had supported each other through this terrible nightmare, but I had to be near M. I had to take up the contact that was offered and jump through the hoops that the Court had placed endlessly before us.

  The next morning I set off to drive to the ferry with little Coco again curled up on my lap. It was a cold misty morning, so typical of the Island's weather. The last time I had made this journey was in my father's car with M and at that time we had been running to a new life in America under false names, fearing identification and in breach of a Court Order. This time I was free to leave but no less free in my heart.

  Once on board, I headed to the room reserved for people travelling with dogs and settled myself with Coco on the velveteen bench. He curled up next to me and went to sleep, whilst I talked generalities with an elderly man who was travelling with two miniature Yorkshire terriers. We discussed pet diet, dog insurance and banalities but it passed the time as the ferry took me away from the place that I had once cherished.

  Once we docked, I had a long journey to Buckinghamshire from Liverpool, but I drove in a daze. My mind running events like a movie as I did day and night, my eyes fixed on the road ahead and my heart and soul filled with M's laughter, tears and words of love.

  I reached the house by early evening and the removal van arrived soon after. Between the removal man and myself, we put my few pieces of furniture into the property which felt cold and unwelcoming. It was a modern house on a housing estate and soulless compared to our cosy little seaside cottage, but it ticked the boxes - a garden for Coco and most importantly for M to kick a ball and near enough to where he was living to make visitation at least possible, if not probable. With R completely in charge, I had no faith it would last but I had to take what I could whilst I was still able.

  At last everything was in. The dog ran in circles in the garden behind the house, enjoying his freedom having been cooped up all day. He, at least, seemed happy to be there. I was just glad to unpack the kettle, make a cup of tea and head to bed. I was totally exhausted but as usual I slept fitfully and for only a few hours. I knew no-one and had no idea what my life here would be. I just knew it had to be something.

  The next few days were spent unpacking boxes and generally putting the house in order. I still hadn't spoken to anyone other than a phone call to Dad and a couple of friends on the Island. I felt a tremendous sense of loneliness.

  The estate was large and the houses were featureless. The neighbours, mostly commuters, left early and came back late. The place was almost deserted during the day and I often walked the dog without seeing another soul.

  I spent many long hours on the phone to either Dad or my friends back home but I was counting the hours until M would visit that weekend. This time we would be able to go out somewhere for lunch and I had already found out where the nearest swimming pool, table tennis and park were. If the weather was fine we could at least do something fun at last and on our own without scrutiny.

  Sunday morning arrived and R's large black saloon car pulled up. M got out of the back seat and ran excitedly ahead of him as they came to the door. "I'll pick him up at six. Here's his homework. He hasn't done it yet." R said, handing me a school bag. We had only six hours together a week but he wanted us to spend it doing sums and learning spellings. I bit back my annoyance and said "okay." There was no point in battling with him. I was determined not to let anything spoil the day.

  I asked M what he would like to do first, reeling off a list of possible activities. "I just want to stay here with you Mummy." He said in the small voice of a much younger child. "Can we watch Dunstan and just cuddle up?"

  "Dunstan" was the name of a monkey in M's favourite DVD. We had watched it many times before but I sensed he just wanted familiarity and comfort, so I made some lunch and we huddled together on the old sofa from home with the puppy between us and watched the movie. He clung to me like a limpet for the next two hours. He just wanted to be cuddled. We tried to make up for the many cuddles we had missed over the last two years.

  Reluctantly we tackled homework next. I was determined that R would have nothing to complain about. Fortunately as a teacher in a former life, I was able to help him get this done quickly. It was ironic that whilst I was something of an academic and R had not a qualification to his name, was still considered the more suitable parent. But more than that the qualification I had in spades was the love I had for my son and that was infinitely more important. If R had had a fraction of this, perhaps I could have borne this ter
rible injustice easier, but I knew that R's reasons for wanting M were more about hurting me and denying me my son. It was a sad fact, but true that he saw M only as a means to an end - a way of getting revenge.

  I tried to encourage M to come outside and play with a football. He wanted only to stay near to me. He hung onto every second of those precious hours with every fibre of his being. I too felt them slipping like grains of sand through an egg timer - six O'clock arrived in a moment and M left once again with tears pouring down his cheeks and saying he did not want to go.

  I too would sob after each parting but only after he had left. I wept bottomless oceans in the days between each contact but I didn't know then how much greater pain I would yet have to face.

  Chapter 4

  Tom Brown's School Days

  A few weeks after I moved to the UK, I had to return to the Island for the final hearing on the Failure to Provide charge. To make life even more difficult, I had lost my driving license for two years as a result of the frame up by the Island's police. I was fined three thousand pounds, completely disproportionately given that I had not been found to be over the limit but I was getting used to being blamed for things I had not done and whilst this was yet another blow, it was nothing compared to what I had endured so far.

  I had the terrible task of telling M that I could not drive and we had just begun to get out and about during contact - spending time at the park - going out for lunch and swimming - now we were housebound. He took it well and naturally I did not go into detail of how it had come about. I hated him to think I had done something wrong but I had no choice. Had I explained how this had happened, I could be accused of discussing adult matters with him by R and he was desperate for a reason to stop the weekly contacts. He was already throwing obstacles in our path, taking M away at weekends, changing the day last minute, always bringing his homework and arming M with questions to put to me about the impending appeals. I fielded these as best as I could and assured M that whilst I could not discuss these things, I would never do anything to hurt him.

  M knew me well enough to know that he could rely on me always being on his side through anything. He was certain of my love for him and he accepted the driving conviction without judgment. He did not care if we went out during contact, only that we were together. In fact, he mostly just wanted to stay close to me and craved the affection that he was clearly not getting any more.

  Each time M came for contact, he said that Daddy had told him that contact would increase over time. I knew this to be a lie, but I did not want to worry M. I did need to prepare him for the worst though. I was torn between telling him the truth - that R would stop all contact at the first chance and risking hurting him or having him think that I no longer wanted to see him, which he would likely be told when this happened. It was an impossible situation.

  On one particular Sunday, only eight weeks into our unsupervised contact sessions, I asked an old friend to drive down from Cambridgeshire so that he could take us to the park in his car. The weather was now spring like and it was a warm day. It was too nice to stay cooped up in the house and I wanted M to have some fun. M was more willing to go out now that contact had fallen into a regular pattern. He had lost the fear that it could be snatched away at any moment and was living on the hope of it increasing that his father had promised. He was far more relaxed as a result.

  My friend Robert arrived soon after M and we bundled into his car and headed to the nearby park to play cricket. M was more himself, teasing Robert about his driving and giggling in the back of the car.

  Robert was prepared to stay in the background, but M liked him and he was good with children and M insisted he join in the game. I was glad Robert was there for my protection as much as anything. I at least had a witness as to what we had done. I had a grim feeling that R was close to pulling the rug from under us and his reports of contact sent to me weekly by Brian, had become increasingly accusatory - suggesting I was discussing things I shouldn't with M. It was all lies but without any witness it was his word against mine. I needed to protect M and I's contact time as best I could and for as long as I could for both our sakes.

  We played cricket for a couple of hours, then got some lunch in a nearby pub. After this we played hide and seek around the house. There was much laughter and we all had fun. The time went quickly and as usual M and I parted reluctantly. "See you next week Mummy." He called as he left, his lip trembling.

  I thanked Robert for coming and he then set off for home. I sat down at my laptop to write notes as usual. I could not ignore the gripping knot of fear in my stomach. The day had gone so well and M had been close to his old self. R's face had been white with fury as he picked M up. He was clearly angry that someone else had been having fun with his child and he didn't like it. I wondered if having Robert there had been a mistake but each contact was a minefield and there was no way of avoiding stepping on one occasionally.

  M rang me on the Tuesday following our wonderful Sunday contact. Phone calls were still unrestricted by the Court as far as frequency, but were becoming increasingly rare and always listened to by his father. The phone was nearly always on answer-phone and eventually that was also switched off and I couldn't even leave a message - not that I believed that M would get any of my messages anyway as they would no doubt be erased by R. I only got to speak to M now if he rang me and was delighted to get his call that Tuesday evening.

  "I've been selected to represent my year in the athletics team." M told me excitedly.

  "That's wonderful Darling."

  "I want you to come. Please come and watch me. It's tomorrow." He reeled off the details of the venue and my heart sank. There were no buses to that area and I was unable to drive. It was a good fifty miles away and I could not possibly get there. I knew no-one who could take me.

  "I will do my very best Sweetheart, but it's difficult when I don't drive at the moment."

  "Couldn't Robert bring you?" M pleaded. I promised to ask him, but I knew it was unlikely. Robert played golf on a Wednesday morning and it was not as though we were in a relationship. He was a very old flame but he was with a new partner now and this would be asking more than I knew he would be willing to do. I knew no-one in the area to ask for help and a taxi there and back would be way beyond what I could afford. I also knew that R would be furious if I turned up, especially if he or his wife were going, which was likely. There was no bar on my attending sports events by either the Court or the school but they usually sought R's consent to my being there and most of the time he denied it. Even if I could have got there, I may be refused entry when I arrived at the school.

  I was desperate to try and get there if possible, for M's sake. I wanted so much to be able to support him. I assured him again that I wanted so much to come and I would try my best, but that it was going to be difficult and not to be too disappointed if I did not make it. After the call I looked at all possible options, including asking Robert. I drew blanks. I knew that even had I been able to get a taxi there and back, there was a strong chance that R would create a scene when I got there and if the school were to bar me, this could seriously ruin M's day. I decided on balance, that this time I would have to give it a miss - but I was heartsick. I cursed the Island's Courts for taking my license.

  Having decided now categorically that I would not attend, I received a phone call from the secretary to the Headmaster of the Prep school at around 9.am. the following morning. Much to my horror, she told me that due to my attendance at the athletics event, the school had decided not to let M participate. I was aghast. I told her firmly that I had no intention of going and had told M during our phone call that it would be very difficult for me to get there without transport. I gave her my full assurance that I would not be there and begged her to let M take part. I knew he would be devastated if he could not run. Athletics was M's absolute passion and had been since he was first able to run. To be denied this would bring him total heartbreak. I wondered if R had deliberately manip
ulated things to make this happen, knowing that I would be blamed and that M would see me as the reason for this happening - Pure revenge for the lovely contact we had had that weekend. It was completely in character for R to do this.

  The secretary said the decision was already made and she could do nothing to change it. I asked to speak to the Headmaster, who was, of course, unavailable. I immediately emailed him and put in writing that I had no intention of going to the event and to please let my son compete. I explained that M would be devastated and pleaded for the school to change their mind. The response came back hours later - they told me that M had not been allowed to participate because unbeknownst to me, he had asked his form teacher, "If Mummy comes, can I go home with her?"

  I wrote back to the Headmaster expressing my anger. There was no way that I could have brought M home with me and they knew it. I neither drove nor could have done this without breaching the Contact Order in full view of R and several hundred parents. How on earth could they think that I could make this happen? It did show, however, how much M wanted to be with me.

  It was too late now to do anything. The boys had left to attend the event and I wept for M as I realised how completely destroyed he would be and I saw only too clearly what was to follow. The school were treating me as a flight risk, despite the fact that the Judge was allowing me unsupervised contact. This was all on R's say-so and he had clearly implied that should I attend, I would take M and run. This was crazy. Even if I had been so foolish as to try and had had the capability to do so, I would have to have got past hundreds of parents, the staff and R himself in broad daylight. It was crazy to think that this would have been possible. Any good relationship I might have built with the school was gone in that moment. They had not acted in M's best interests. The whole episode had been designed to punish me, by using M and the school had fallen for it, hook, line and sinker.