by Mack Black
Grief was a terrible illness, one that swept you under the biggest of waves and held you until you choked out your very last breath, hoping and wishing someone would come along and pull you up to give you a reason to fight. Some people get lucky and find that person.
I loved Bella with every fiber of my being, so I’d be that person for her. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her, no matter the cost, which is what I’d been searching for all along, too.
When Bella finally stopped crying, she said, "Tell me about your mom."
"My mom was great. When I was little, she read me bedtime stories, and when I got older, she baked cakes. The kitchen always smelled wonderful. I remember waking up every Sunday morning to pancakes and bacon. Then my dad left her for another woman.” I frowned, remembering how everything changed after that. “She couldn't even look at me without breaking down. She used to scream at me about how I looked like him. I wanted my mother back, but she just got worse. She started drinking and popping pills. I can still remember coming home from school every day to find her passed out on the couch and checking to make sure she still had a pulse. One day she didn’t.” My chest felt heavy with the memories, the day so clear in my head still. “I panicked when I found her that day. I remember how cold she was. I tried to warm her by rubbing my palms up and down her skin, tried to shake her awake. Then I turned her over and saw her eyes, and I knew. She was gone.” I took a deep breath, continuing. “For a long time, I felt guilty for not noticing the signs, for not helping her through her addiction, but I was also angry because she left me alone in this world. She let her addiction rule her life, and that made me angry. Most of all, I was angry she put me last.”
Bella lifted her head from my chest, stroking my cheeks with her fingers. "I guess we have a little more in common than we realized. We've both felt agonizing guilt over someone else's addiction." Her words came out choked, as if she was broken. It made me want to forget about my own feelings to focus on comforting her. I’d had a lot of time to heal from my mother’s death, so it didn’t affect me as much as it used to. It wasn’t my fault, and letting the guilt go released most of the pain I’d held inside for so long.
"Addiction affects the people around the one addicted, too. They don't realize what it does to the people they love. They don't realize their death will wreak havoc on everyone who ever loved them. For a long time, I blamed Nessa. I felt like if she’d never been born, my dad would’ve stayed, but as I got older I began to see that wasn't true. My dad wouldn't have stayed because he’d been so unhappy, I just didn’t realize it because I was a kid. I shut Nessa out for so long because of it.”
She leaned up and kissed me, and when she pulled back, she held my face. "You were just a kid though. You didn't know better. What counts is what you do now," she said, staring into my eyes.
"I remember the day I thought I lost Nessa, too. I’d just made things right with her. When everything went down, I was scared I’d never have a chance to be the brother I should’ve been all along. I’d given up on her waking up, but Jace kept fighting. He kept insisting she’d come back to us, even though the doctors said it didn’t look good.” My throat felt raspy as I paused, rubbing at my neck. "They told us if she did wake up she wouldn't be the same person we knew. I was so afraid I’d lost her. I can only imagine what you’re feeling, Bella. I don't know what I’d do if I lost Vanessa. I'm so sorry." I took a breath, my throat a big knot threatening to spill out in sobs. It felt like it’d happened yesterday.
In court that day, it was almost in slow motion. People had jumped from their seats. Their mouths had moved, but I hadn’t registered their words. My head had turned just in time to see Charlotte lunge for her, stabbing her over and over. I remembered thinking I needed to do something, but I’d been frozen. Clear as day, I had watched Jace jump from his seat and run for his mother, but my dad had grabbed him and slammed him to the floor. Then, like a switch had been flipped, I could hear again, but the only thing I’d heard was Dad screaming at Jace to stand down. I’d stood up on wobbly legs to help my dad hold him back. Seven guards had pulled Charlotte from my sister’s limp body. The gurgling sound coming from Vanessa's mouth as she tried to speak will forever haunt my dreams.
"You know what the most fucked up part is?" I asked.
"What?"
"The jury was leaning towards not guilty because the evidence was inconclusive. If she hadn't stabbed my sister, she would have walked free." I breathed the words, anger washing over me just like it had when I’d first found out.
"How could they let her walk free after everything? I heard the stories around campus, and I saw the news after the fact. I know that story in and out. There's no way anyone in their right minds would let her walk free." Her nostrils flared, and her hands shook as she spit the words out.
"Because the recordings were taken without her knowledge, it caused a lot of controversy. Plus, my sister’s testimony didn't help. Charlotte’s lawyer argued she’d only been speaking out in anger, had never been planning to kill Vanessa. He must’ve felt pretty stupid when she attacked her in front of everyone."
"Maybe her stabbing Vanessa was a blessing in disguise then. I can't imagine what life would be like for your sister if Charlotte had been allowed to walk free. She would’ve spent a lot more time locked away in her house for sure," Bella offered, trying to give me some semblance of hope. I didn't want to imagine a world in which Charlotte could go free.
"My sister used to call me in the middle of the night crying. She used to have nightmares about Charlotte breaking out of jail and coming after her. She was so damn paranoid it was unreal. It took me at least an hour to calm her down enough to go back to sleep. Every time. Vanessa has come so far since that day in court. I think she was affected the most, even more than Jace."
I kicked my feet up on the coffee table and crossed them at the ankles. Bella was still wrapped in my arms with her head laying on my chest, though every once and a while she’d straighten to stare at me with wide eyes. It never took long for her to return to her spot on my chest.
Sometimes I wondered if she did it on purpose to see if my heart rate sped up, to check if I was lying, but it didn’t really matter to me because I liked it.
"I can't even imagine what it’d be like to go through something like that," Bella said, tracing her finger along my chest beside her face.
"For a long time, I was angry with Jace. I didn't understand what you would do for love because I’d never loved anyone at that point in my life. When I found out he knew his mother had one of his girlfriends killed and still pursued Vanessa and put her life in danger, I almost got into a fist fight with him. My dad was the only reason I didn't. He insisted we forgive him, that I let it go because Vanessa had chosen Jace and holding a grudge would only complicate our lives. He also said if I tried to hurt him he’d kick me out on my ass in the cold. I moved out a week later. For a long time, I refused to acknowledge Jace if he was around, but eventually I let it go and forgave him because he made my sister happy. If she could move past it, then I should, too. So, I did. A part of me will always jump to conclusions when he’s involved, though. I know what he’s capable of now, so it’s like I’m always I'm waiting for something bad to happen."
We sat in silence, reflecting on the events that transpired. In a way, letting our demons out had brought us closer.
"You know, every time I think my own life is bad, I remember just how terrible yours is. You don't know it, but you’re really strong James. I admire that about you. It doesn’t matter what life throws at you, or how fragile it makes you, you always bounce back." Bella sat up and met my eyes. She wore a smile, and even with the heaviness in the air around us, I found myself smiling back at her.
"My life isn't terrible, little flower. I have you and that's all I've ever wanted." I tapped my index finger on her nose and kissed the corner of her lips.
"I love you too." She took my hand and placed it in her lap.
"It's sad my dad isn't happy like me and Nes
s. Half of me wishes he would find someone who loves him and treat him right, but the other half doesn't want to deal with another crazy. It's like he is a crazy magnet."
"I told you James, your dad is just fine. You shouldn't worry about him."
I wanted to question her again about what he’d said to her, but she leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine and I forgot about my dad altogether.
As our lips danced, I lost sense of everything except her, just like I always did.
She broke free to catch her breath and laid her head against the couch. I stared at her, in awe of her beauty. I’d thought I’d seen her at her worst, but when she broke down about her sister tonight, it proved I hadn't.
"I'm gonna tell you something I've never told anyone about my dad. When he left my mom, he left me too. He didn't call, he didn't come see me, nothing. It was as if he forgot I existed. I think that has a lot to do with why I hated my sister. When mom died, CPS forced me to live with my dad. I didn't know him anymore and I still had a lot of anger towards him, so I rebelled a little. You know, as much as someone like me can anyways. I still don't know why he left me too, and sometimes it still hurts when I see him favor her."
"Would you like to hear about my dad?" she asked in a soft tone.
"I would love to."
"My dad was a wealthy and well-respected man in my country. He wasn't a criminal like you're thinking. He just had connections in high places. Honestly, I think that’s what got him killed. They never solved his murder. I remember my mom screaming at him to go to some store the night he died. He didn't want to leave the house, but she was adamant that he go. For a long time, I thought she’d paid someone to kill him. The police said surveillance tapes at the gas station showed an SUV pull in behind my dad and the moment he stepped out of his car he was gunned down. Unfortunately, they couldn't make out a face, and the tag was covered. For a while, they tried to find the bad guys, but their search led to dead ends. Eventually, they stopped searching for answers. I have a lot of theories, but I will probably never know the truth." Bella’s words came out calm, and I could tell it no longer upset her like I was sure it once had. She’d accepted that she’d probably never get the answers, but I wished I could give them to her.
"I'm sorry Bella," I said.
"Me too," She whispered. "Tonight has been heavy."
"Letting go of your demons is always heavy. Otherwise they wouldn't be your demons."
"I'm glad I told you everything," she said.
"Me too."
It took two trips to move all of Bella’s things to my apartment, and when we made our final trip, her house was empty except for a refrigerator and a stove.
I insisted I pay for the apartment and all the bills that went with it, but I told her she could buy groceries. I had a feeling the conversation was far from over. Bella had a way of getting what she wanted, especially from me.
We both dove into the boxes stacked in my living room, unpacking them and making room for her things in the apartment. As her boxes emptied, we filled a few with my own things—things I didn't need anymore.
We unpacked the last box, and both fell onto the couch, tired and happy to finally be done. My apartment looked so much different with her things in it. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure it was real.
"I hate moving!" she said with a little whine in her voice.
Normally I would’ve found it annoying, but for some reason I found it cute. Bella got away with a lot of things with me that no other girl could, but part of love was looking past the little things because the big things outweighed them all. And I loved this girl more than I loved myself.
"Let's take a nap. I'm beat," she said as she stood and walked towards our bedroom.
I followed her and stayed in the doorway, watching as she snuggled her head into the pillows. I crawled in behind her and wrapped her in my arms. My eyes closed, and I let the sound of her soft breathing lull me to sleep.
The TV blasted an action scene, but my eyes were on Bella. The straps of her tiny tank top fell down her arms and the tops of her breasts were exposed. I wanted to bury my face in them.
She laughed at something on the TV and I jumped, startled by the sudden noise. She turned towards me, laughing harder.
"Did you just jump?" she said between giggles.
"Maybe," I said, with a grin.
She turned back to the TV and my eyes darted to her chest. We’d been exhausted last night after our talk and today I wanted her more than ever. It felt like it had been ages since I felt her body wrapped in mine and I needed to rectify that.
"Bella," I whispered.
"Mmm?" she said, her eyes still on the TV.
"Bella."
This time she turned towards me and I attacked her mouth with my own. My fingers tangled in her hair and I pulled it, bending her to my will. Her leg swung over mine as she climbed over me without breaking the kiss. A hand glided up my chest, pulling my shirt up with it. I broke the kiss long enough to rip it over my head and toss it to the floor before I attacked her again. Need burned into my skin, leaving hot scorching patches along my body.
She threw her head back as I moved down her throat, kissing the part that stuck out. My fingers dug into her shoulders while my lips devoured her.
I was in a state of euphoria so deep that everything going on in our lives felt like blurs of the past, of memories long forgotten. It was only her and me and the carnal need of our bodies.
As her legs wrapped around me, I stood and carried her to the bedroom, tossing her on the bed. She didn’t have a chance to right herself before I climbed over her. My heartbeat raced, pounding a beat like a drum. The hairs on my arms raised, almost as if I was a livewire, and my nerves tingled like a current of energy. I was careful not to touch any part of her body with my hands, only letting my bottom half rub against her as she moved her legs, trying to pull me closer.
I was trying to draw out my own anticipation as well as hers, but it was killing me, although drawing it out would reward me in the end. I let my palms rest flat against the bed, one on each side of her head, as I stared down at the magnificent work of art that was Bella. Her hooded eyes stared into mine with a need so deep she couldn't even speak.
I balanced myself on one hand and used the other to sweep her long curls out of her face. My lips met her cheek, just at the corner of her mouth, and she groaned.
"James what are you doing?" she asked. "This is torture."
"Instead of talking, let me demonstrate," I said, almost breathless from the pull she had on me.
Neither of us said anything more. Demons of the past be damned, I've got an angel watching over me.
Yesterday, Bella had told me her period was a week late. I hadn't panicked since I’d already done that, and I’d started thinking about what it would be like to be a father. I didn't want to make the same mistakes my own father made, so I’d have to be different. I wanted to be the kind of man my father became after my mother died, the kind of man who would sacrifice everything for his children, even his own happiness.
Tonight, when I returned home, Bella would take a test and the results of that test would most likely change our lives forever. The more I thought about it, the more I was okay with it, maybe even somewhat happy about it.
I looked at baby websites in my free time at work and read some articles about what to expect during pregnancy. I even went through some name databases. Before I knew it, I’d bookmarked a bunch of parenting books I wanted to buy, and the more things I found, the more excited I got. I never thought I would utter the words excited and child in the same sentence.
"James? Oh wow, are you and Bella? I guess I should say congratulations. I hope you guys are happy, I really do."
Elise hovered over my desk, her eyes glued to the article on the computer about how to name your baby the right name.
I clicked the X in the corner and turned in my chair to face her. "Elise, please just stay out of my business. If you don't, I'll be having a talk
with Mr. Freedmon about letting you go."
She frowned. "I understand, but I won't stop trying to get you to forgive me. I was wrong. I know that now. I let my jealousy get the best of me and I really do feel terrible." She returned to her desk after that, and I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d been sincere, or if it was just another game.
When five rolled around, I couldn’t leave fast enough, and after a quick stop at the drug store, I went straight home.
The smell of garlic bread filled my nostrils as I walked through my front door, making me smile. Bella was sliding a pan in the oven, so I dropped my bag and went straight to the kitchen. My hands found her hips and I spun her around, right into my arms. I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek, loving the way she shivered.
"James, I didn't hear you come in," she said as she set the timer on the oven.
"I'm a ninja, little flower. You never see me coming."
Bella laughed, turning in my arms and standing on her tippy toes to plant a kiss on my lips. "Did you get it?"
"I did." I let her go and walked to my bag, pulling out the small brown paper sack and handing it to her. "Are you ready?"
"No, but it needs to be done," she said on a sigh.
After several minutes, Bella came out of the bathroom with the test in her hands. She stopped in front of me and squeezed her eyes shut, holding the stick away from her. "I can't look."
I closed my hand around hers, bringing it down in front of her while I used my other hand to tilt her chin up, making her look at me. "No matter what this test says, I love you and I'm not leaving."
"I know."
She flipped the test over and over in her fingers, her eyes planted on the wall in front of her, like if she stared at that spot it would build her confidence up enough to see the results. After a few seconds, she looked down. My eyes followed hers.
Not pregnant.
A breath of relief escaped me even though sadness punched my chest. I’d warmed up to the idea of being a father and now that it wasn’t happening, I didn’t know how to feel.
