Nobody Else

by Jaxson Kidman

  Just enough to see that Kinsley was crying.

  “Hey,” I said as she turned around, putting her body in the corner of the counter. “I don’t want you to cry, Kins.”

  “Too late,” she said.

  I touched her face, wiping away tears again. “I’m sorry, love. This shit is killing me too. Having you here right now. In a snowstorm like this. It’s all I’ve wanted. And the last time you were here…”

  “I know,” she said. “I left, and everything got worse.”

  I slid my hands from her face. “Kins…”

  “I lied to him,” she said. “Okay? Maybe in some horrible way, it’s easier to do that. Just lie. To let him know I’m safe and I’m with Linda. That’s it. Done.”

  “You’re so fucking beautiful,” I said with a half-smile. “And I’m so sorry your heart is broken, confused, lost, whatever it is.”

  She took a deep breath.

  She reached up and touched my face.

  Sometimes between us it was just so…

  “Damn,” I whispered.

  “Damn,” she said back.

  I had to kiss her. I had to taste her.

  My lips couldn’t get enough of her.

  It didn’t matter the circumstances or lies because it was us. We weren’t a lie. We didn’t lie to each other. I could take the truth, no matter how hard, but right then, the truth was that we both needed each other.

  I kissed her hard and fast, skipping anything romantic and sweet.

  My hands touched her waist and lifted her up, putting her on the counter.

  Her hands clutched my shoulders, her nails digging at me.

  The kisses were sloppy and noisy. Kisses made from temptation and leading to pleasure. I eased down her soft neck, the tip of my tongue flickering and memorizing her one more time.

  She let out wild breaths and we were just getting started.

  I knew I couldn’t take her to the living room. It was too close to the bedroom. So that meant we were going to have to do this right here, right in the kitchen.

  I slipped my hands around to her back and pulled her off the counter. She had to wrap her legs around me as I turned and walked her to the table. When I put her down, she bumped into the flashlight. It fell and rolled from the table as we kept kissing. The flashlight hit the floor with a thundering boom and the light went out.

  Kinsley put her hands to my chest and pushed just a little.

  I stole one extra kiss before stopping.

  “Afraid of the dark?” I asked.

  “No,” she said, breathing heavily. “The noise… might have woken up Linda and Paige.”

  “Yeah, right,” I said.

  She touched my face in the pitch-black darkness.

  “Brice, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I said. “We should get some sleep.”

  I backed away, my body revved up and hurting as she left the kitchen.

  I cleaned up the batteries and the flashlight.

  By the time I got to the living room, she was already under a blanket, her eyes shut. I stood there and stared down at her. I wanted to kiss her goodnight. But I refused to do that while she slept. She needed to tell me yes or no.

  I took care of the fire and checked outside. The ice had officially turned to snow. The storm was still raging on outside. And inside.

  The cold air felt good and calmed me a little.

  I looked around the cabin after shutting the door.

  Kinsley on the couch, sleeping. The fire dancing in the fireplace. The comfort of home.

  It was all a cruel lie though… because tomorrow it would be gone.

  8

  No Words

  Ben

  I’m fine, I promise. I’m with Linda. And Paige (obviously). We’re okay though. Lost power at the house. I’ll try to check everything in the morning. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love you. Let me know you’re safe.

  The message sat there on my phone like a blinking badge.

  She was with him.

  There was no doubt in my mind. Losing power meant losing heat. Not to mention that Kinsley hated to be in the dark when she was alone. She was afraid of the dark, even if she wouldn’t come right out and say it.

  The temptation to ask her if she was with Brice almost got the best of me. I knew where that would go. She would be put in a corner. Lie to me and cause a bigger issue. Or tell the truth and let me writhe in my own anger.

  I poured myself a drink in the quiet apartment and I stood at the window and looked out to the storm.

  It wasn’t supposed to end up this way.

  The night I showed her the picture of Chrissy and TJ… I wasn’t sure what I was actually thinking. There was no plan in my head with it. Which wasn’t like me. It was about feeling those raw emotions and living through them. Talking about them was hard to do, and nothing could change what happened. All I could do was relive the meeting that made me late. Blaming that meeting was easy. The truth was it was my decision to even go.

  And through the twists and turns of life, Kinsley was with Brice right now. And I stood alone in the apartment.

  I tried to get out before the storm got bad.

  After closing on a new deal, everyone wanted to celebrate with drinks. They were planning on staying at a hotel, which meant either getting drunk in the hotel bar or just walking the streets of the city. For me, I declined and rushed back to the apartment to pack my stuff and leave. I figured if I drove fast enough and dodged as much traffic as possible, I’d get home just as things were getting bad. My plan was to get flowers. A bottle of wine. Order something from Kinsley’s favorite restaurant on the way home and pick it up. Then I’d walk through the door with everything we needed for a romantic night. We’d forget about all the bullshit going on.

  No more talking about the past.

  No more tragic stories and old tears.

  I wanted her to put that ring on her finger and have it really mean something.

  This was part of that plan.

  I finished packing up and as I walked to my car, Rob called me. He had a bite on something new happening just outside the city. I should have told him we’d talk tomorrow. I should have not even answered the damn phone.

  Except… I couldn’t help myself.

  Another call. Another deal. Another step forward in the bigger plan of having enough to spoil Kinsley for the rest of our lives together.

  Plus, if I didn’t answer Rob’s call, he’d go to the next person in line. His loyalty was only to whoever called and whoever had the money to make a deal work.

  By the time I got off the phone with him, the storm had already rolled in.

  But that wasn’t going to mess up my plan.

  I made it twenty minutes out of the city before there was an accident. My car couldn’t handle the worsening conditions. On the side roads, it was even worse. It was obvious that they weren’t going to touch the roads until the storm passed. At one point, I slid off the road and sat there, feeling that horrible sinking regret feeling just like I did the day Chrissy and TJ were killed.

  A cop stopped to check on me to make sure I wasn’t stuck. He asked where I was going, and I had no choice but to go back to the apartment. The walk to the second floor was lonely. I entered the apartment and walked to the cabinet where I kept a few bottles of expensive scotch. I drank from the bottle and sat down at the table, still in the dark.

  That sinking feeling wouldn’t go away.

  So, I started to drink.

  Right up until Kinsley sent me the text message.

  Then I drank more.

  It all made perfect sense to me.

  See, even when a plan didn’t go accordingly, the smartest people had ways to keep the plan going. It was okay to move left or right - or even back a little - but the plan had to remain the same. Just like me driving home from Philly. The plan was always to take the highways. They were supposed to be the fastest way home. But more often than not I’d have to take side and back roads.

/>   It was just like with Kinsley.

  I knew I loved her. I knew she loved me. Her situation with Brice was just one of those things. A bump in our plan.

  I should have called to check on her. I should have sat there on the phone with her, no matter what was happening, to be there for her. Before that, I should have checked the weather and said fuck it to the meetings and just stayed home.

  But there were two things holding me back from that.

  The first was greed. Not money greed. But Kinsley greed. I wanted her all to myself, but I didn’t want to play any games. I knew she was with Brice. I knew their connection was strong and real. They loved each other in a way I could never understand. And it was something I could never get involved with. I could never take that away from them. What they lost together. I knew the pain of loss, but theirs was a different kind of loss. I had become the man knowing that the woman he loved could possibly be sharing a bed with someone else… and I was okay with it. Well, I wasn’t okay with it, but I wanted Kinsley to figure it out. Once and for all. If I stood there and held her back, it would only create resentment. She would forever have this to hold over my head in our lives together. But at least now, she could get it out of her system and move forward. I’d never throw it in her face either. I loved her too much for that.

  Brice could never last. He never would for her. He had nothing to offer her but memories of the past. The pictures he sent to her were nice. But they were just pictures. I had plenty of pictures I could show Kinsley. Pictures I wanted to show her. Pictures she would never see until we were ready to go forward with our version of forever.

  The second reason I didn’t check on Kinsley…

  I was hurt.

  All the way around.

  When I lost Chrissy and TJ, there was nothing left in my world. Except work. Each time I approached something new or was stuck in a meeting or caught up in paperwork or sweating over a negotiation, it was a chance for my mind to not think about them. They were the center of my universe and they were ripped away. Without care. And without warning. When I landed the biggest deal of my career, I went home to an empty apartment. I cried my eyes out, knowing that there was no deal out there that could rewind time and bring them back. So, what did I do? I picked up the phone and started working on something else.

  It was all I knew.

  If I slowed for a second, the pain would return.

  The closest I came to the pain actually subsiding was meeting Kinsley. We connected over the secrets that were now in the open. And look where it got us. Half a year ago, it was all okay. It was all normal. Half a year ago, I worked and did whatever I needed to do. And when I needed a breath of air, Kinsley was there waiting for me. No worry of being alone or feeling alone.

  Like I was right then, sitting on the floor of the apartment with my back against the couch, watching the news as a man in a suit paraded left to right, very excited over the capabilities of this storm.

  If I shut my eyes, I pictured Kinsley and Brice in bed together.

  And of course Linda was involved.

  I couldn’t stand that woman from the day I met her. She was a loud, annoying, cigarette smoking, divorced, single mom who lived in a bubble of drama. Kinsley’s heart was so forgiving and caring, I knew she’d gravitate toward Linda. Just like the way she was with animals. I never understood it. Not that I didn’t respect animals or anything like that, I just didn’t understand why it meant so much to her.

  And I never asked her…

  My hand moved for my phone.

  My other hand moved for the bottle.

  Alone. Drunk. My heart hurting. Swallowing a ball of anger and regret.

  Just like the old days, huh, Ben?

  I opened my phone and found Kinsley’s message.

  “This is where we’re at,” I whispered.

  Maybe I never did the right things you wanted me to do. Maybe I should have called more. Maybe I should have worked less. Maybe I should have asked more questions.

  I hate the idea of you being alone in our house. But I don’t know anything but the life I’m living right now. And the one thing that always felt right to me was knowing that when I’d come home, you’d be there. You were always there. With that hidden sadness that made you more beautiful to me.

  Because I understand the sadness.

  And maybe you’re in the arms of another man that says he knows the sadness because he was there with you. I can’t compete with that. And I never would. I would never stand in the way of your grieving, Kinsley. Your grieving takes you down the road you need to travel.

  Just like mine.

  I can’t stop thinking about what kind of deal would fix it all.

  I know it’s impossible.

  There’s never enough time or money or work to fix all that went wrong. Yet this desire inside the bottom of my heart won’t let me stop. There’s no logic behind it, which is why I don’t talk about it. If I did talk about it, you’d be the first to gently touch my face and tell me how foolish it sounded. I know you wouldn’t say ‘foolish’, but that’s what it is.

  I’m as fucked up as you are and that’s why we work.

  You’re with another man.

  I’m drunk and alone.

  There’s a storm covering us… yet it’ll pass. And any damage done, we can survive. And maybe there will be scars. And maybe there will be memories that try to haunt us. But as long as we’re together, it’s going to be okay.

  So, fine, Kinsley, you want to know the truth…

  I want to chase you down. I want to hold you and keep you to myself. I want to demand that you make a decision. Better yet…find that you did make a decision. You’re wearing my ring. The engagement ring that I gave to you. I want to see you wearing nothing but that ring. I want to see you wearing that ring everywhere we go.

  But most of all…

  I want it all back.

  To the way it was before.

  To you and me together for comfort and together in silence.

  Better yet.

  I want them back.

  I want Chrissy back.

  I want TJ back.

  I want the life I was supposed to have. The plan…

  I stopped my fingers as I started to shake.

  I quickly erased everything I wrote.

  Then I made a call.

  To Rob.

  Drunk. Alone. In pain.

  Time to do business and let it all slip away.

  9

  The Wonderland

  Kinsley

  I opened my eyes to the sound of a girl’s laughter. For a few seconds, I swore I had to be dreaming. My face was buried into the back of Brice’s couch. Smelling the couch and that super comfortable blanket brought me back to the night before.

  The storm.

  Brice coming to save me.

  Linda and Paige.

  I rolled to my back, realizing it was Paige that was laughing.

  Not what I thought…

  “There she is,” Linda said. “She’s alive and well, huh?”

  I groaned and forced myself to sit up. I hadn’t even bothered to change the night before. Still wearing the same clothes, even my shoes. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept like that.

  As I yawned, Linda lifted a coffee mug to salute me. “Morning, Kinsley. Coffee is hot in the kitchen. And Brice is teaching Paige how to make scrambled eggs.”

  “What?” I asked, squinting my eyes.

  “Don’t ask,” Linda said. “I think Paige has a crush on Brice.”

  “Like mother, like daughter, huh?” I asked.

  “Yeah, but to be fair, you’re the one who gets to… you know…”

  I shut my eyes and groaned. “Too early for that talk.”

  The thought of that made me think of Ben. I hurried to flop back on the couch and wrestle my phone out of my bag.

  No texts. No calls. Nothing.

  I sighed.

  In some ways, I already felt like I had completely lost hi
m.

  Whatever.

  I tucked my phone away and stood up to stretch. My body hurt, a tell-tale sign that I didn’t sleep as comfortably as I thought I did. Probably because Brice slept in a chair just feet away. When we should have been on the couch together.

  I walked into the kitchen to find Brice in a t-shirt, his muscles being too damn good to look at before having a cup of coffee. He was a hundred feet tall compared to Paige.

  “See, there you go,” he said to her. “You want to move the eggs around and keep chopping them up. Some people like their eggs chunky, but I like them nice and chopped.”

  I bit my lip, watching this scene.

  The outside was super bright from the sun reflecting off the snow and the ice. The kitchen was a little cold, but the smell of eggs, bacon, and coffee made up for it. And Brice standing there helping Paige cook…

  This could have been us. Or it should have been. It should be Brice teaching Lindsay how to cook. Me waking up after getting a chance to sleep in. Coming into the kitchen for a cup of coffee to find Brice teaching our daughter how to make breakfast…

  I shut my eyes to chase away the thoughts.

  My heart started to race, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  “Oh, hey, Kins,” Brice said when I opened my eyes. “Morning.”

  Paige looked back and smiled big. “Hey, Miss Kinsley.”

  “Morning everyone,” I said. “Smells good in here. Glad you’re cooking, Paige. Brice can’t cook at all.”

  I curled my lip and smiled.

  Paige giggled and turned back to the eggs.

  Brice stepped toward me and stared down at me. “You want to say that again?”

  “What?”

  “I can’t cook?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Something wrong?”

  Brice had this smoldering look in his eyes. Just like the night before. When he put me on the counter and then carried me to the table. What would have happened… if I hadn’t knock that flashlight off the table…

  “Let me get you some coffee,” Brice said.