Nobody Else

by Jaxson Kidman

  The one day of the year that was as black as the night sky.

  The entire time Kinsley and I were together, I could keep the date to myself. I would get drunk and she would think I was either stressed or blowing off steam. She’d fall asleep and I’d go outside and cry for a few minutes. It was that simple, but it never felt easy. And now… I was the fucking mess. Throwing the middle finger into the air, wishing it was smashing against Brice’s fucking face.

  Why did it not surprise me that Brice was here? Of course he was. Kyle fucking loved the guy. Because he was so cool, right? Because he probably got into a lot of fights when he was younger. Tough and bad. And I figured if anyone would have my back in all this shit, it would be Mike. Why in the hell would Kinsley’s father let Brice into the house? That fucking guy… all of them…

  I just wanted to punch Brice in the face. For all the right reasons and all the wrong reasons. The spiraling inside me was bad, and it had nothing to do with the vodka. I wasn’t going to be some chump and puke my guts out because I drank too much.

  I grabbed the railing and pulled myself to my feet and stood there, swaying back and forth. There were so many goddamn cars. I couldn’t find Brice’s truck.

  I stepped down the steps, missing a couple, but I made it to the sidewalk. I went right out into the road and looked left to right. My car was parked next to some old, shitty looking red car. My car was smaller, faster, and nicer. Worth more than what the other car’s driver made in two years.

  Rubbing my forehead, I gritted my teeth, hating myself for thinking those kinds of thoughts. Tears filled my eyes. Chrissy was the only person who really knew me. The real side of me. The way I grew up, being beaten mentally with the idea that money was everything. That nothing else in life mattered but money. Because when my mother died, money made everything normal again. And no matter what my father did wrong in his life, money was there to save grace and faith in all that we had. Until there was nothing left. I never understood how broke my father was until he was gone, and I was left with nothing. Just enough to survive a few months and pick up the pieces of it all. Which I fucking did.

  “I built this from nothing,” I said to the empty road as I started to walk. “And look now…”

  A set of lights shined from down the street.

  I started to move faster, but fast was not a friend of mine at all. I more or less stumbled, my right shoulder bouncing into car doors and side mirrors.

  Through the bright lights I saw a door open. And someone get out of their vehicle.

  I had this vision that it was the driver of the truck that killed Chrissy and TJ. The guy that took my happiness away and walked away from it. I still never understood how he walked away from it. How he blamed the truck, the company he worked for… and how it all got to be such a disaster where I was offered money to go away. Because money solved everything in my life. But I wanted to get to that guy and kill him. I wanted to hurt him.

  “What the hell are you doing? You’re going to get killed out here, man.”

  A figure stepped in front of the lights.

  It was Brice.

  I pointed and chuckled.

  Of course it was Brice.

  The king savior that everyone loved, right?

  “You’re drunk, Ben. Where’s Kinsley?”

  “None of your fucking business.”

  “Right,” Brice said. “Let me walk you back to the house.”

  I watched as Brice reached for me. In my head, I was going to block his attempt and then uppercut him so hard he’d never chew food again. Instead, he touched my arm and I stood there for a few seconds. Then I thought about him touching Kinsley. That hand touching me… it had touched her everywhere. Before she was with me and after she said she loved me.

  I threw my arm to break away from Brice.

  I tried to swing with my right hand, but the punch was weak and hit nothing but air. I stumbled forward and into a parked car.

  “Jesus Christ, man,” Brice said. “You want to fight me right now?”

  “Yeah, I do,” I said. I stood and turned. “Come on. I want to fight you.”

  Brice had fists made. I could tell he was ready for this.

  “I don’t want to fight you, Ben.”

  “Just fucking do it and fight me,” I said. “So, I can finally end this shit.”

  “End what shit?”

  “You,” I yelled. “What you did to her… what you did to me…”

  “I didn’t do anything,” Brice said.

  “Fuck you, man.” I leaned against the parked car, desperate to keep my balance.

  Brice shook his head. “You have no idea what we went through, Ben. And I’m sorry that your relationship with her was based on not talking about the past.”

  “Don’t tell me how to love someone.”

  “I’m not.”

  “But you tried to take her.”

  “She was never not mine,” Brice said.

  “Funny… she never fucking mentioned you once.”

  “Yeah, that’s really funny, isn’t it, Ben? Look where that got everyone.”

  “Don’t blame her.”

  He laughed. “I’m not blaming anyone.”

  “You should blame yourself. You took advantage of her.”

  “Fuck you, Ben,” Brice snapped.

  “Come on,” I said and waved a hand. “Just punch me. Like you did Dave. Some guy you didn’t even know. Trying to defend someone else’s bullshit. Why? Because you saw her kid and felt bad? You going to try and save everyone’s kid because yours didn’t make it?”

  The words were like a soothing venom pouring from my mouth. Yet this guy felt the same pain I did. Which was the most fucked up part of it all. He lost his daughter. He watched Kinsley go through a pregnancy and lose it all. Just like I lost TJ. And TJ wasn’t even my birth son.

  Brice lunged at me.

  I had no way of defending myself. Maybe if I was sober it would have been a fair altercation.

  Brice had my shirt with two hands, his hard knuckles so far under my jaw that my teeth clenched tight and hurt within a second. He pushed me harder against the car, the rage in his eyes enough to scare a sober man. But I wasn’t sober. I welcomed the pain. I wanted to feel the pain.

  Bring it on, Brice…

  He bounced me off the car a couple of times and pulled me close.

  We were almost nose to nose.

  "You're drunk,” he said. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing or saying. You want to fight me? Why? You want to win this?”

  “That’s exactly what I fucking want,” I said.

  Brice shoved me back and let me go. He ran a hand through his hair. “You already fucking won, Ben. You have her. You have a house with her. A car. An SUV. Credit card debt or some shit. I don’t know, Ben. But you won. You put a ring on her finger. You gave her the diamond I always thought I would give her. And she just fucking said it… you’re engaged. You win, Ben. You win.”

  I watched Brice back away. His hands balled up into tight fists, ready to strike.

  But he didn’t strike.

  He turned and walked to his truck.

  The truck sped by me a few seconds later as I leaned against the car. I had no idea whose car it was, but it was keeping me from falling to my ass.

  “Ben?”

  I chased the voice with my fuzzy eyes and saw Kinsley stepping out into the road.

  “Ben?” she asked again. “What are you doing?”

  “Just hanging around,” I said and laughed.

  “You’re going to get hit out here,” she said.

  I laughed harder.

  She had no idea what get hit meant. That Brice had just been in my face. Ready to attack. That I wanted to fight him. That he finally realized Kinsley was mine and drove away.

  “We need to get home,” Kinsley said. “I’m driving your car whether you like it or not.”

  She touched my arm.

  I grabbed her left hand and stared down at the ring
.

  “You’re going to be my wife,” I said, my words slurred enough that I took notice of it.

  “And you’re going to regret everything you did today and tonight,” she said.

  My eyes met hers. “I get to go home with you. How can I regret anything?”

  Kinsley didn’t have a reaction. She let me go and started to walk away.

  And I drunkenly followed her.

  I woke up and expected to find the bed empty.

  There was a more hopeful side of me that wanted to wake up naked with Kinsley curled up on my chest, one of her slender legs draped over my body. Both of us naked, waking up with smiles after the night of rest after sharing a bed together for the first time in months.

  But I was alone. My head throbbing. Knowing that hell waited for me downstairs.

  There were a lot of dumb things I could do, driving back from Philly while drinking vodka was probably at the top of the list. I tried to swallow each excuse down my throat, which was dry and scratchy, as I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom.

  In the mirror was a nasty reflection.

  I realized it was my own.

  I had done it again.

  I had taken someone with a beautiful and caring heart and ruined everything.

  With Chrissy, it had been damn near instant. From the second we got together, it was love and tension. She supported me as I promised her each hour of work would be worth it in the end. And it would have been if she hadn’t died. The plan had been set. I knew exactly what was going to happen and when and why. Right up until that fucking truck ran the red light…

  And now with Kinsley.

  Doing everything I could to sustain a relationship with her where we both ignored the past. Which seemed like a great idea in my mind, but played out like a joke in real life. Yet if she hadn’t helped Linda then none of this would be happening. She would have never seen Brice. Brice would have never gotten in touch with her.

  Then again, if we both had just opened ourselves up to each other a long time ago, we could have worked together through the pain and confusion of what we lost and grew closer for what we had.

  I walked into the kitchen trying to hold my head as high as I could.

  Kinsley sat at the kitchen table, a coffee mug in front of her. Her eyes gazed out the window. She looked at me for a second and looked away.

  I didn’t say a word as I got myself a cup of coffee – black – and sat down across from her.

  The night played out like a blur. Bits and pieces scattered as though someone had thrown a box of puzzle pieces into water.

  “I feel like hell,” I whispered.

  “You should.”

  “Kinsley, I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are,” she said. She looked at me. “Now tell me why that happened.”

  “That deal fell through on me,” I said. “I hadn’t been fully prepared for it. At the last second, someone came in and undercut me. Which I didn’t expect. There had been things going on in the background for weeks that I didn’t know about. I should have seen it though. I should have been more focused.”

  I moved my eyes away from hers for a second.

  “So, it’s my fault,” she said, picking up what I left for her.

  “I’m not saying that,” I said.

  “You just did, Ben. You were focused on our relationship and something bad happened at work. Maybe you should get a new job.”

  “That’s not fair to say,” I said. “After watching you come home sad how many times when a dog or a cat died? Or when you have a rough week and just want to be left alone. Or maybe the last… how many months…”

  “Don’t,” she said. “Don’t take that turn on me, Ben. You drove drunk. Your car smelled like booze. If we got pulled over last night, the cops would have never believed me to be sober.”

  “Right. I screwed up, Kinsley. I lost the deal and had a few drinks. I got back to my place and it was so quiet and lonely. Okay? The only thing I wanted was you. You know what I would normally do if something fell through?”

  “What?” she asked.

  “I would find another deal. Call someone. Start a fire somewhere. Get something going. But this time…” I put my shaking index finger of my left hand to the table. My bloodshot eyes were wide. “This time… I wanted to come home to you. I wanted you to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay. You were all I thought about.”

  “And driving home drunk was the solution.”

  “No. It was a terrible decision. I came home, and you weren’t here. I went to Linda’s and she wasn’t there. So, the next logical place was your father’s house. I figured you were taking care of your brother. And then…”

  “I didn’t know he was there,” Kinsley said. “I brought pizza for my dad and Kyle. And he was there.”

  “I don’t even care,” I said. “I honestly don’t.”

  “Well, I care. I care a lot, Ben. You could have hurt someone. Or yourself. Think about what you went through. That’s what I don’t get. What if the guy driving that truck had been drunk when…”

  I stood up so fast, the chair fell back and hit the floor with a hard thud.

  The hangover was no match for a shattered heart. The anger overpowered the thudding in my head and the weakness in my muscles.

  “Don’t ever talk about that,” I warned. “It didn’t matter whether the guy was drunk or not. He ran the red light and took them away. You’re going to fucking compare me to that?”

  “Why not, Ben? Look at what you did.”

  “Yeah, look. I came to you in a moment of complete weakness.”

  “And I took care of you. I got you home. I got you into bed. You cried your eyes out, Ben, but wouldn’t tell me why. You don’t remember any of that though, do you?”

  “I guess not,” I said. “I’m sorry then, Kinsley. For everything that happened. And not just last night.”

  “Why were you upset?” she asked.

  “I was drunk.”

  “That wasn’t just drunk, Ben. That was something else.”

  I admired the way Kinsley just sat at the table. Looking calm, collected, and in complete control of the situation. She sat there as though instead of being mad at me she was going to say she was just disappointed.

  “That was something else,” I said. “Because it’s the time of the year when I lost them. Okay?”

  “Oh, Ben…”

  “No,” I said. “We’re not going to do that, Kinsley. I’ve had my way of dealing with it all these years. This time I let my guard down for a second.”

  “You could have talked to me about it. I thought that’s what we were working toward here.”

  “It’s not the easiest thing to just suddenly change like that, Kinsley. I lost that deal…”

  “Forget about the deal,” she said. “This is bigger than that.”

  “Not to me,” I said. I picked up the chair and gripped the back of it tightly. “The deal would have saved everything.”

  “Saved everything how?”

  “It would have been proof to you of what I’m doing here. It would have stopped the pain enough to let me breathe through the memories. And it would have justified… what happened to them…”

  “No, Ben. Nothing will do that.” Kinsley finally stood up and walked to me. She peeled my left hand off the chair and got between it and me. “There’s nothing you can ever do. You have to face it and live with it. That’s what we’re supposed to do now. Not ignore it. Not avoid it.”

  “Face it, huh? Is that what you were doing?”

  Kinsley shook her head. “I already explained that to you.”

  “Yeah, you did,” I said. “And I explained myself to you. The difference right now, Kinsley? You want me to change.”

  “I never said change,” she said. “I thought we were doing this together.”

  “Maybe it shouldn’t be forced. Or feel forced.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Nothing,” I said. I backed up. “
I’m going to go take a shower. Try to wash this off me. Then I have to go to work.”

  “Right back to it, huh?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “It’s what I do.”

  I backed up some more. That’s when Kinsley crept forward and moved to her toes to kiss my cheek.

  I walked away.

  There was something burning in my head that I wanted to ask Kinsley.

  Were we falling apart?

  As I climbed the stairs, my head pounding, feeling sick to death, another question popped into my head.

  Have we even really been together?

  20

  A Secret You Deserve

  Brice

  I kept my promise to Kyle and took him to his next therapy session. I was quiet, my focus scattered on everything I could find to distract myself from the reality that Kinsley admitted she was engaged to Ben. And whether or not that was a tactic to get him to calm down after showing up drunk, the bottom line was that she said it, and her sole care in that moment was Ben.

  And maybe that was rightfully so.

  Because he was the one she was with. She’d been with him for years now. They had a life together, no matter what I thought of that life. I had invaded that life without thinking about it first. But it was Kinsley. My Kins. My love. The sight of her across that soccer field was the first time in longer than I would ever admit that I felt hope and happiness. Seeing all the changes on the outside, and having the chance to get close to her again and know she was the same beautiful person on the inside, flirted with my mind and heart that things could work out.

  I wasn’t the kind of man that backed down from anything in life. But at the risk of Kinsley getting hurt or losing herself, it was my gesture of love to her to ease away. Plus, if she really wanted to, she could have gotten Ben settled after his drunken stupor and she could have called me. Or checked on me. But that wasn’t her job. We were friends with a big past. Hell, maybe we weren’t even friends. I hated to think we were just exes… but that’s what it was. Two people who shared a wild and deep love and an even deeper loss.

  As I pulled into the driveway to drop Kyle off, he finally decided to speak up.