Back to the Dream

by Felicitas Ivey

  Wolf, thankfully, was taking care of sailing the ship, and Keno was with him. I knew that Logan would be sent into the sea as soon as possible, since there was no place to keep him here. I glanced over at Keno and wasn't surprised to see he was taking care of McGann, who also seemed to be in some sort of shock.

  "You don't seem too surprised,” Mason muttered.

  I shrugged. “I simply didn't believe Mrs. Adams's offer. And no, it isn't nice to know that I was wrong. But Collins was someone who one didn't want to make an enemy of. He also was a wealth of information when Samojirou, Yatsufusa, and I questioned him. He was most wroth that a dog was interrogating him. It was almost amusing to see."

  "What did he tell you?” I smiled and shook my head. Mason looked angry for a minute and then realized this wasn't the time to talk about such things. “Later,” he told me in the same quiet tone of voice, but I heard the fury in it. Even if he had been expecting it, the information about Collins shook him almost as much as Logan's death. “And I have no fucking clue how I'm going to tell Wolf about this."

  "Then don't,” I suggested. “Not now. Not when he can't do anything with this information. And not when we seem to have companions here that we cannot or should not trust. You can talk with him about this when we get to land."

  * * * *

  Keno

  Getting the ship sailing wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Wolf and Tholf did something with the sails and the rudder that got us out to sea. I hoped we just had to worry about the other ship chasing us. Disabling it wasn't an option, because those raiders would just take their anger out on the people there if we did that, if we'd even had time to do so. I just hoped that someone survived what had happened. I felt guilty that we didn't stay and fight, but my first duty was to get Tamazusa to safety. That meant I had to not help those people, even if it felt wrong to me, no matter how rude they had been to the two of us.

  It was a long, narrow ship filled with hard wooden benches. It didn't look anything like the ships of Nippon, even our warships. It smelled badly, and I hoped we had supplies of some sort aboard, water at least. There were oars, and I wondered if we would have to row.

  "Where are we off to?” Tholf shouted in English. He was by what I thought was the steering thing, and I wondered why, until I realized Wolf had his hands full trying to get the sail up. As soon as we had gotten into deep water, Wolf had let Tholf take charge. That surprised me, but I didn't think he had a choice with a man down.

  I went over to Tholf and wasn't surprised to see that he grinned down at me. The only thing allowing me to see was that it was a clear night with a full moon. I knew that Tamazusa and Samojirou had no trouble seeing at night, so Tholf was probably the same way.

  "Head to the barrier,” I said. “We are going to Nippon."

  He looked at me and then at McGann, who had wandered over here too. I guessed that she didn't deal with blood too well. And there must have been a lot of it from the way Mason was swearing.

  "We are?” he asked.

  I bit back a snarl. He was annoying me, because he wouldn't listen to me. But I could see his point. Wolf was the one in charge, and he'd listen to his wife before one of the strangers Wolf had picked up. But McGann was still looking “off,” and I didn't think she had recovered from whatever had made her pass out earlier.

  "You better sit down,” I said. “You don't look very good."

  "I'll be fine,” she answered. She looked at Tholf. “We are going to Nippon to return our friends to their family."

  Tholf nodded. “The current will be easier to fight closer to Iceland. Right now we'd have to row, and we don't have the manpower to do that, even if you women rowed. Then we can cut across the seas and hope that the serpent doesn't drown us crossing the barrier. I've done it once, and that was enough. We needed a shaman for that, though."

  "We will worry about that later,” McGann said. She frowned. “I have to check something out."

  She went to the other end of the ship. I trailed after her, wondering what she was doing. I was surprised when she moved a couple of hide packs on deck and revealed Helga crouching there. She swayed afterward and then sat down hard. Helga sneered at her, not upset that she had been found. I thought that she was the woman the raiders had almost raped. It might have been smarter for her to run back to the village, but considering what was happening there, maybe it was smarter that she had hidden aboard the ship when we were stealing it. I shivered, trying not to remember my own rape. It wasn't working. I felt as raw as I had when it had happened.

  "Logan's gone,” McGann said faintly.

  I didn't know what she meant until I turned around and saw Mason looking pissed and Tamazusa dragging a sheet of something over Logan's face. The man had died. I just had to figure out how McGann had known that when she was standing over there and hadn't been looking at them.

  "Help Wolf with the sails,” McGann told me.

  I nodded and went over to Wolf. I figured out what I needed to do to help him. It was kind of awkward, but we managed to get the sail up. And while we were working, Wolf wanted to talk.

  "I've never done something like that before,” he said quietly in Japanese. “I—"

  "I haven't,” I started. I swallowed hard, thinking of all the men who had died. Men Wolf had killed in his rage while I watched and didn't stop him. “For all the training that I've had... I never. Still haven't. So I don't think that I'm the person to talk about this with."

  "You know that?” he asked.

  I smiled sickly at him. “You wouldn't let me. I was just there really to make sure that you got back to the boat.” Wolf looked guilty and pleased at the same time. “You were mad,” I said. “But you still knew who I was. That you didn't want to hurt me."

  "I was berserk,” Wolf said. “If I hadn't done that, Logan might still be alive. So...."

  "That we didn't all get killed is amazing,” I said. “McGann and Tamazusa could be back there, being hurt. You and the others could be dead. I could be dead or hurt again. That didn't happen. You saved all of us. Logan would be the first one to tell you that, I think. So don't hate yourself for what happened."

  "Fairinox wouldn't have been able to get to you if I had done that before."

  "He might have,” I pointed out. “He wanted me a lot."

  "That man had to save you,” Wolf said. “And you left."

  "I left because I love him,” I told Wolf gently. “Because I didn't want to leave him. That has nothing to do with my feelings for you."

  This wasn't the best time to bring it up, both of us covered with blood and exhausted from battle. Wolf was the one who had started with this sharing business, though.

  "I didn't know,” Wolf said guiltily. “I didn't even think about it. I'm interested in women, so...."

  "You think that everyone is,” I finished with a crooked smile.

  "He dresses you as one,” Wolf practically snarled.

  "And that is something that you can discuss with him,” I said. “There's a lot that you don't know. A lot that I don't know, so you should talk to Samojirou-sama, politely, if you have a problem with what we are doing."

  Wolf nodded, and we stopped talking when Mason came over.

  "He's gone,” Mason said.

  "I know,” Wolf said. “I—"

  "He was bleeding out as soon as he hit the deck,” Mason told him bluntly. “He knew that he was a goner."

  "What are we going to do with him?” I asked in a small voice. I was Shinto, and that meant that dead bodies were something to avoid. I knew I needed to purify myself after this battle, but keeping a body around for any length of time was both creepy and unsanitary.

  "Wrap him up and bury him at sea,” Wolf said. “I hate to do it, but it isn't practical to keep him with us.” Wolf hesitated for a second. “I'll do it. Just give me a minute. We can have some sort of ceremony beforehand and then give him to the ocean."

  * * * *

  I woke up the next morning to McGann throwing
up over the side of the ship, Tamazusa rubbing her back, and Helga making snide comments on the other side of her.

  "You'll be like that for a couple of weeks,” Helga said. “I've been told that after your first, it gets better."

  "I'm just seasick, believe me,” McGann said.

  Helga laughed. Wolf wandered over to the three of them when he was certain McGann was finished throwing up. He had somehow gotten a fire going in the firepot and had made tea, so he handed her a cup. Mason walked over with him and glared at Helga.

  "I didn't realize that you had trouble sailing,” Wolf said with an apologetic smile.

  "She's breeding,” Helga told him.

  "Caitlynn?” Wolf asked, sounding very shocked and confused. Embarrassed, too.

  She smiled at him. “Wolf...."

  Tamazusa turned and snarled at Mason. “You never told him!"

  Now Mason looked embarrassed. “It slipped my mind! There wasn't really any place or time that I could tell him, all right? Not where we were alone enough so that he wouldn't freak out."

  "I take it back,” Tamazusa told Mason. “You are a fool."

  "Tell me what?” Wolf asked the four of them, trying not to glare.

  "So it's not his, if you didn't want to tell him about it,” Helga said gleefully.

  "Tell me what?” Wolf repeated, sounding really stressed. I didn't blame him, because losing Logan had been hard on him. He really didn't need whatever trouble Helga was trying to stir up right now.

  Mason kept his eyes on the deck, and McGann stared at her tea as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Tamazusa rolled her eyes at the both of them and said, “Helga is of the opinion that McGann is carrying your child."

  Wolf looked stunned, like he'd been hit on the head one too many times. McGann chose that time to start gagging on the tea she had been sipping, and Tamazusa went back to holding her hair out of the way for her and rubbing her back when she hung her head over the side again, leaving Mason to try and explain what was going on. Helga looked like she wanted popcorn to eat, this was so entertaining for her.

  "It was like the third or fourth day that we were there,” Mason started, trying not to look embarrassed. “Tamazusa and McGann had to clean chickens or something."

  "We had to kill them,” McGann said, sounding utterly revolted, even if she hadn't finished throwing up.

  "I don't understand,” Wolf said.

  "Apparently being pregnant is the only acceptable reason for a woman to get sick,” Tamazusa said scathingly, glaring at Helga. “When Helga discovered that McGann was ill, she jumped to the conclusion that she was pregnant. And then she accused her of adultery. With Mason. But then, neither one of us actually told her that McGann was pregnant, she just drew her own conclusions."

  "Mason?” Wolf repeated. He was obviously still stunned by the whole McGann pregnant thing.

  Mason sort of looked exhausted by the whole mess. “Tamazusa had given me the heads-up on it, including being nice enough to explain that Helga was being a bigger bitch than Anya ever was. Damn, I'd never really thought of McGann like that, and you know it. She's got a huge set of brass ones, and I ain't talking about her tits."

  "I think that I'm flattered,” McGann told him dryly, sipping the tea again. She just used it to rinse out her mouth, though, because after spitting it over the side, she cradled the cup in her hand.

  "Ain't like I've ever been shy about my opinion of either you or Tamazusa. You're both sexy and tough enough to play with the big boys,” Mason said shamelessly.

  "Pregnant?” Wolf repeated.

  "I assure you that if I am, I slept through the fun part,” McGann said with a smile. It looked a little strained to me. “I just reacted badly to the thought of killing chickens."

  Tamazusa had this funny smile on her face when she said that, like she knew there was something McGann wasn't saying. But it wasn't like there wasn't a lot we weren't hiding from them, either.

  Helga looked confused by McGann's statement. I got up and went over to join them, hoping that would shift the conversation to something else.

  "You get enough sleep, kid?” Mason asked.

  "I guess so,” I said. “Are we being followed or something? Is there anything that I can do to help?"

  "Watch the fire,” Wolf said. “This really takes care of itself most of the time. Tholf's agreed to help navigate."

  "Can you trust him?” Tamazusa asked.

  Wolf looked annoyed by that question, and I realized that he didn't trust her. She knew it, too, from the way she was looking at him. I vowed to stay very close to her, so that Wolf wouldn't be tempted to do something stupid. Not that he would, but if he thought that getting rid of her would make it easier for me to leave here, he might do something. But he'd hate himself if he did it, so I wasn't going let him even be tempted like that.

  "I could say the same thing about you, considering what happened the last time that we met,” Wolf retorted.

  Tamazusa smiled. “It could be said that neither party was at our best last time. However, did any of you really think that such an insult would go unavenged? And as much as you hate to admit it, my interference saved Keno's life.” She paused for a second. “Both times."

  I shivered as I remembered the first time that I saw her. I had been so hurt, physically and mentally. She had saved my life, or at least let me become the man I was supposed to be. Don't laugh. Even when I was out with Samojirou dressed in Sakura's finest, I felt more like a man than I had felt in the hands of the Trust. I supposed I would have probably killed myself by now if she hadn't rescued me.

  Tamazusa saw me and frowned. “I didn't mean for you to remember those times,” she said in Japanese. “I apologize for my thoughtlessness."

  I shook my head. “I was just thinking that if I had stayed there, I might have been dead by now. I think that I would have managed to kill myself."

  She frowned deeper. “And Keno-chan, that would have been a greater tragedy than you could imagine.” She walked over to me and gave me a hug, which felt odd for a second before I relaxed and melted into her embrace. “Your first battle. I am so sorry that I am the cause of it because of my foolishness."

  "I didn't do more than just make sure that no one got to Wolf,” I said. “I didn't... I don't think that I killed anyone. I wasn't trying to, but I didn't want to. Which is stupid because they were hurting all those people and trying to kill me."

  "And I am a terrible person to be glad of that,” she said softly. “While you are a fighter and brave, you shouldn't be a warrior. I hoped that you would be like the samurai who held the old ideals but never had to go into battle."

  "I don't think that's going to happen,” I said, too aware of the fact that Wolf knew Japanese. “You are going to have to fight for your kuni."

  "I know that,” she said, stroking my hair. “But please don't be insulted if you are not part of my Hatamoto."

  I wasn't too surprised to hear that from her. She had people who had centuries of fighting experience, like Okita-san and Kazuya-san. She didn't need me in her army. “You will be leaving me behind, someplace safe,” I realized. “I have no problem with that, so long as I get to see Samojirou-sama before you leave."

  She laughed, even though it sounded strained. I figured she expected me to argue with her. I couldn't, because I knew I would just be a distraction to them and someone to be protected. But I still wanted to be with them.

  * * * *

  Tamazusa

  We traveled for several days with Wolf expertly captaining the ship we had stolen. Mason and Keno helped him, but they didn't have the skills needed. From the first, Tholf had been helpful to us. Too helpful, but I thought that it was because we had gotten him off of that farm more than anything more sinister. Helga wasn't so cooperative, and it took a couple of “talks” with her before she realized we... I wasn't going to tolerate her being difficult.

  We managed to make it to the edge of Iceland without encountering another ship. I di
dn't know if it was because there was no one else out here or that we were being avoided because others thought we were pirates. I was just glad there was enough water for us to drink, thanks to several gentle rainstorms we had sailed through. There had also been enough to clean us up a bit, so I didn't feel quite as disgusting as I could have without a bath for several days.

  It would then be a straight sail down to the barrier between the lands. Hopefully we would be able to pass through it. I was certain Keno was the only reason we had made it through before. Then I would have to sail to Nippon and throw myself upon the mercy of Inusuka Shino. He was the Hakkenshi whose kuni was the closest to both the ocean and the upper part of Nippon.

  "You doin’ all right?” Mason asked.

  I nodded. McGann was still slightly seasick and terribly embarrassed about it. I felt fine, much to her annoyance. And Helga still was acting like a bitch in heat around Wolf, even going as far as hinting to the man that she would be overjoyed to bear his child. I thought Wolf was still bedding down next to McGann for his own protection now, not hers.

  "I just hate that it's taking so long,” I said quietly. “Aboshi...."

  "What's wrong?” Mason asked roughly. “You and Keno aren't saying shit, but there's something that you're hiding from us."

  "Nothing that matters,” I dismissed.

  "You mentioned that he'd think that you're dead,” Mason said. “How would he know that? It ain't like you're phoning in to check with him or something. So why would he think that you're dead?"

  "I do not want to talk about it,” I told him coolly.

  "If it's something that's gonna bite us on the ass, we have to know about it,” Mason argued.

  I shook my head, changing the subject. “We are going to have to appeal to Keno's family when we arrive for help. They are closer to us than Aboshi is. And on the correct side of Nippon."

  That is, if he were still at our estate or someplace on my kuni. If he hadn't done something foolish, thinking that we were dead. If that were the case, Keno would join his lover as soon as he could. That was something I expected. Not that I accepted, since that would be too much of a waste to me. I didn't want to lose either of them, never mind both of them because I had been foolish, overestimated my charms, and underestimated Iida's intelligence.