Southern Beauty

by Lucia, Julie

  She went over to her night stand and realized the cigar box was missing. Malcolm had taken it before he had left and she, the fool that she was, didn’t notice it until now.

  Johanna ran to her aunt, who was in the drawing room sitting near the fireplace, a small shawl covered her shoulders.

  “Aunt Mary,” said Johanna in a serious tone. “I have news about Malcolm.”

  “Oh, is he coming back to marry you, my dear?” she asked.

  “He is not, it seems he is already married,” said Johanna.

  “What do you mean?” Mary asked.

  “He married Clarice Beauregard,” said Johanna choking on her words.

  Mary was stunned by the news and worried about her niece’s mental state.

  “Oh, that is shocking news! That scoundrel, how could he do that to you?” Mary asked.

  “You don’t know Clarice,” said Johanna frowning.

  “He surprised us all. Robert really took to him,” Mary shook her head. “He is going to be so disappointed.”

  “Yes, I am sure he is,” said Johanna.

  Mary put her hand on Johanna’s shoulder to console her, “are you okay, my dear?”

  “I actually am,” Johanna smiled realizing she now felt liberated. “I should have known, but I was too wrapped up in my own affairs to see it.”

  “You know, Johanna, sometimes God closes doors so we don’t walk through the wrong one,” explained Mary.

  “I think you are right,” agreed Johanna. “Now what do I do with the door that still lies open?”

  “That is a question only you can answer,” said Mary smiling. “Is it a door you want to enter into?”

  Johanna sighed, “More than anything.”

  “Than what are you going to do about it?” Mary asked.

  “I am not sure yet,” answered Johanna.

  “Whatever decision you make, you know you have your uncle’s and my support,” assured Mary.

  “I thank you. That means a lot to me,” Johanna smiled at her aunt. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  “You will never have to find out,” Mary smiled back.

  Johanna found herself at the gardens to ponder her predicament. She had felt better once she arrived. She understood why her uncle went there for prayer and meditation, it was a peaceful place. She sat in silence. Her mind raced through the last three months. She closed her eyes not sure if she should trust what her heart was telling her.

  “What am I to do?” she asked herself. “What if he doesn’t love me? What if this was all a ruse to get the map from me? What if I don’t find out?” She continued to ask herself questions that needed answers.

  Johanna smiled as she stood to leave. “I know what I must do,” she put her hand over her heart, “I just need a little faith.”

  Chapter 26

  “S

  ir, there is someone here for you,” a train attendant tapped David on the shoulder and then pointed outside.

  David, surprised by the intrusion, walked out to see who his visitor was. He didn’t see anyone at first and then he thought his eyes were deceiving him. On a bench near by was Johanna with a distraught look upon her face. He thought he was mistaken or it was a dream, but he continued toward her anyway.

  Johanna stood once he stepped closer to her. She still did not smile. She looked as if she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. He searched her face for a glimpse of the love she had felt for him that stormy night. He broke the awkward silence.

  “You are well I see,” he said.

  She could barely speak, but said in a soft voice, almost a whisper, “yes.” She continued to be on her guard.

  “I have been away longer than anticipated and I could not send word,” he said.

  “Really, I hadn’t noticed,” said Johanna.

  He smiled even with his heartache. She was being her stubborn self he loved so much. He wondered how he could have lost her.

  “How did you find me?” he asked.

  Johanna didn’t answer him right away, she still felt unsure of her decision to find him, and a bit surprised by his attire.

  “Are you working for the rail system now?” she asked a bit confused.

  David laughed and adjusted his hat, “you know me, and how I love to be undercover.”

  “You like to pretend you are someone you are not,” said Johanna not smiling.

  “I never pretended with you,” he said. “You married I heard, I guess congratulations is in order.”

  She looked confused at first and then kept her voice low and steady. If she didn’t she would reveal her true feelings too easily and she wasn’t about to let that happen.

  “How does it feel to believe that I am married?” she asked him to test his feelings.

  “It’s……what do you mean believe? Are you not married to Malcolm?” he asked.

  “No, I am not. He married Clarice,” she said with a smile. “A fitting couple, they deserve each other, don’t you think?”

  “Oh, it was the general’s daughter. I just assumed when they said it was Malcolm that he married you,” David still processing this new information that Johanna was free to be his.

  “Lieutenant, it’s time to head out. I got the bag we were looking for. It’s urgent we leave right away, all hell broke lose at Harpers Ferry,” a man interrupted who was also in civilian clothing like David. He ushered him to their horses.

  “I am sorry. I must go,” David touched her face.

  Her heart beat faster. She could barely catch her breath. He was leaving. How could she stop him? He watched her struggle internally. She had a desperate look in her eyes. They both wondered the same thing. If this would be the last time they meet, the last time they look into each other's eyes. He didn’t know how to tell her he loved her, there just wasn’t enough time. It would make departing that much harder.

  "I..." He didn't finish. Johanna ran into his arms and they kissed. A passionate goodbye kiss, the most desperate of kisses. He held her tightly.

  She couldn't bear to let him go, but didn’t know how to keep him. She couldn't say what was in her heart. It hurt too much to open that door. If she didn't speak the word, it would be easier to handle if this was their last goodbye. Johanna turned and ran and kept running, to where she had no idea. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. She refused to look back. She couldn’t figure out what led her to come here in the first place. He seemed more distraught by her presence. Her future suddenly felt empty. She had to process this new setback. “Where was she to go having a life without David?” she wondered.

  He did not follow her. He hurt as much as she. He watched her slowly run out of his life. He closed his eyes, mounted his horse and rode off to his next mission. Her kiss still lingered on his lips.

  # # #

  “Miss Johanna, what are you doing in Baltimore?” asked Jacob surprised to see Johanna sitting on a bench looking out over the harbor. “It’s not safe here anymore.”

  “I don’t know,” Johanna answered him as if she were in a daze, tears running down her face.

  “Did you see David?” Jacob asked. “He is here.”

  “I did, please thank Emma for her letter,” she wiped her tears and took a deep breath. “She sent word to let me know you two were on your way here.”

  “You saw David? What did he say? Why are you here by the dock alone?” Jacob confused by her predicament.

  “I was wrong, Mr. Evans. I came here like some harlot after a man who never really loved me. I guess I was chasing a dream,” she felt in shock now.

  “No, you were not. I am sure David loves you. I did everything in my power to prevent him from pursuing you, but it was no use, you were all he wanted,” Jacob tried to console her.

  “He must have had a change of heart,” said Johanna. “Or he was fooling everyone to get the map from me. He has never told me he loved me, not ever. I came here to tell him I wanted to be with him but he just said goodbye,” said Johanna.

  “I do
n’t know what he is thinking,” said Jacob. “Unless of course, he thought it was in your best interest to let you go.”

  “It’s in my best interest or his?” she asked.

  “I don’t know, both I suppose,” answered Jacob. “Look at all the heartache this has already caused.”

  “I think it’s only heartache on my side. I convinced myself that he loved me. That he felt more for me then just wanting some military papers. I have been so wrong.” Johanna stood up and took a deep breath. “I guess it would have never worked anyway, my uncle has chosen to fight against the Union.”

  “I did hear about your uncle. His decision has caused sorrow to many,” said Jacob sadly. “I am heading to Harrisburg, why don’t you come with me? Emma and I would love you to stay with us,” he said.

  “Thank you, but I just can’t,” she said in barely a whisper.

  “I understand, but where will you go?” he asked.

  “I am going home,” she tried to smile.

  “Virginia?” he asked.

  “No, that is not my home anymore,” she frowned. “I fear I do not belong anywhere.”

  “Emma will be in touch. She will be very upset with me if I don’t make sure you are okay. Can I do anything for you?” Jacob asked equally worried about her. “Can I get you a carriage?”

  “I will be just fine, Mr. Evans. I don’t need a carriage to get to where I am going,” she kissed him on the cheek. “Please know that what ever happens, it is for the best.”

  Jacob watched Johanna silently walk away as if she was in a daze. He had never seen her so beaten before. It broke his heart.

  “You are not doing anything drastic are you?” Jacob asked worried about her safety.

  Johanna didn’t answer him. He wasn’t sure if he should follow her or not.

  Jacob grimaced, “What are you doing, David? You are going to lose her forever.”

  Chapter 27

  “H

  ere is one ticket to Southampton, England,” the clerk handed Johanna a ticket. “Sailing alone?”

  “Yes,” she confirmed her worst fear, “I am alone,”

  “You should be able to catch a train to Paris once you get there,” he smiled.

  “Yes, thank you,” she tried to smile without tearing up again. She needed to be brave.

  “I can understand why you would want to leave this country,” the clerk said, “you never know who is Union or Confederate, you can’t trust anyone nowadays.”

  “No kidding,” said Johanna as she held the ticket in her hand the weight of it seemed a lot heavier than it actually was. She walked toward the door. Her head felt as if it was in a dream, a very sad and lonely dream. Her heart continued to deaden with each beat. She stepped outside to get some air to clear her thoughts and there before her stood David.

  Her astonishment kept her from speaking and she stood in silence staring at him. He did not change his expression for one whole minute to Johanna it felt like forever. His manner did not make her feel at ease.

  David had no idea he sat in silence that long. His breath was caught in his throat along with his words.

  “Are you going somewhere?” He asked her in almost a whisper stepping closer to her so they were face-to-face.

  “I am,” was all she could say.

  “Yes, you are going to Harrisburg with me,” he said with authority.

  “I am not,’ Johanna felt angry at him barking orders at her. “Who do you think you are? I am not your Southern whore, Mr. McPherson.”

  “No,” he smiled. “You are my Southern Beauty, and I…” he swallowed, “am madly and hopelessly in love with you, and I know, God willing it will all work out. You just have to have a little faith.”

  She stared at him. She wasn’t expecting him to say this. She thought for a moment she must be dreaming or she must have finally gone mad. She didn’t know what to say. Could this work out? She didn’t know anymore. She had been waiting for the day that he finally expressed his love, but now that he did, she wondered how many people would be hurt by it. She eyed him with uncertainty. She didn’t know even if she could believe him. Did he want something from her? She couldn’t go through more heartache another betrayal.

  “Did you hear me?” he grabbed her shoulders and held her up close to him, trying to make her understand. “I said that I love you,” He felt desperate to get through to her.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say,” she still felt afraid to let go. Could she trust him?

  “Just say it. Why won’t you finally admit it to me, to yourself?” he asked.

  “Say what pray tell,” she asked as if she didn’t know what he was talking about, still guarding her heart.

  “That you are in love me. That you can’t live another day separated from me. That instead of logic, you followed your heart, you chose me,” he said.

  Johanna continued to hold her ground and stay guarded. Her mind raced. She couldn’t open her mouth. She was frozen in fear.

  “I see,” David’s eyes began to tear and he let go of the hold he had on her. “Then I guess there is nothing more to say,” he tipped his hat toward her with a slight bow of his head and he walked away.

  What had she done? What was she thinking? This is what she dreamed about, what she had been praying for. He was all she had ever wanted. She loved him with her whole being. How could she ever let him go or give him up? She stood there not knowing what to do. She watched him walk out of her life without even looking back at her, not even once. He couldn’t do that to her. Not after all they had been through. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and opened her shielded heart in faith.

  “How dare you walk away from me, Mr. McPherson!” she yelled angrier at him for giving up so easily in defeat. “How dare you walk away from the woman you love?”

  He continued to walk on as if he wasn’t listening, she bit her lip. “How dare you walk away from the woman who loves you?”

  David turned and stared her down. He thought how beautiful she looked so vulnerable, yet hands on her hips as if she was in control scolding him. She had finally said it. She had finally stopped trying to convince herself that she didn’t love him. She stood her ground unsure what he was going to do.

  “Pardon, I didn’t hear you,” said David cupping his hand to his ear. “What did you say?”

  Johanna’s faced flushed and tears began to fill her emerald eyes but she said it anyway, “I said,” she hesitated, “I love you.”

  “Well, then,” David smiled relieved his tactic actually worked on her stubborn self. He then ran to her and picked her up in his arms and kissed her like he never kissed her before.

  Epilogue

  “W

  hat do you have there?” asked David as he came behind Johanna and slid his arms around her, “rocks?”

  She smiled as she felt the warmth of his body and the coolness of a warm summer breeze on her face. “They were given to me by the Voodoo Queen in New Orleans.”

  ”Ooh, sounds mysterious,” said David.

  Johanna began, “I didn't figure them out until now. One smooth, this represented Rene. He always knew what to say, charming, handsome...”

  David interrupted, “Okay, okay, I got it.”

  Johanna laughed, “Did he really bother you that much?”

  “Only when he was holding you in his arms,” he smiled and hugged her tighter.

  “Well, he did have an amazing kiss,” she laughed.

  “Hey, that’s not funny,” said David.

  “Nothing will ever compare to our first kiss,” she assured him. “The thunder and lightening just intensified it.”

  “And the fact that you couldn’t stand me,” he added.

  “And Malcolm knocking you out,” she laughed. “How can you beat that?”

  “I am sure I can try,” he insisted.

  “I would love you to,” she laughed.

  “Were you ever taken in by Rene?” he asked seriously.

  “Not ever,” she said. “I kn
ew he would never be faithful to me. He loved the fact that I wasn’t taken in by his charm. That was why he found me so appealing. Anyway, he definitely was a lot of fun to be around. I am glad we could stay friends.”

  “Should I be concerned by his letters he writes to you?” David asked.

  “You have nothing to fear, my love,” she said.

  “I think the only time I feared for your safety is when you were near Malcolm,” said David.

  “Was it my safety you feared or that I would fall in love with him?” asked Johanna.

  “Both,” he admitted.

  She held out the other rock, “speaking of Malcolm, he represented this rock. One rough, no matter how hard he tried the wickedness in him continued to show.”

  “If your stubborn self would have listened to me in the first place, you could have saved yourself from a lot of heartache, or at least from being shot,” said David.

  “Then I wouldn’t of known how much you really cared for me,” she sighed.

  “Yes, it seems I had to follow you across several states, pretend I was courting a ghastly woman, get into numerous fights with Malcolm, stay by your bedside for a week and then chase down your carriage for you to finally get it,” he said. ”It would have been simpler if you would have just believed me in the first place.”

  Johanna laughed. “Wait, you never told me you loved me until I followed you to Baltimore.”

  “You never asked,” he said.

  “How was I to believe that you loved me? Every time we were together you would insist on that bloody map and of course, kiss me. I thought you were trying to trick me into falling for you.”

  “I always told you the truth. I never lied to you,” he said.

  “No, you just didn’t tell me about Kathleen,” she said.

  “Well, I didn’t know how to tell you,” he said.

  “I am so glad she found someone. It made it so easy to befriend her since she is happy and in love,” said Johanna.

  “Yes, that worked out for all of us. It was quite awkward having to explain to her how much I loved you,” he said.