Love Me Like You Mean It

by Jaime Russell

  “Reagan.” I look up to Cash who said my name. “Shawn told me that you’re going to Pennsylvania with Max. When did it get serious? When did you meet him? He’s only lived here three days.”

  “It got serious last night when Abby made me cry. I went into the office at Nic’s Bar, and he comforted me. He made me feel safe. I met him the day he moved in.”

  “Do you love him?” Shawn asks with his hands folded across his chest.

  “I don’t know. It’s been three days. Can’t I just get to know him and see where things go?”

  “No!” Cash and Shawn say at the same time.

  “Why not?”

  “If you haven’t guessed yet, this circle is tight. If you break up, it’s going to divide us. I’m playing the card.” The card, or better known as the Veto Card, is where when someone is dating someone that we don’t like or isn’t a good fit, we can use that card. Once you use it, you can’t use it again. We made up this silly card because of Robin, mainly, but came in handy when Nicarra hooked up with her baby daddy.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “No,” Cash says in a tone of command.

  “This is bullshit and unfair. We’re adults. Why can’t I go to Pennsylvania and see if we even like each other? Right now it’s great, but come on, a trip usually can make or break a relationship. I’m not doing it.”

  “Really?” Shawn is surprised. I get off my bed and start heading to the kitchen where Max and Abby are standing, talking.

  “What’s wrong?” Nicarra is the first after looking between the three of us.

  “Veto.” Nic goes from concern to angry and stomps straight to the guys.

  “No. Don’t do it.” Nic looks to Cash as he stares at me like I’m a child who’s been caught stealing and got caught.

  “What’s Veto?” Max asks, looking at me. I’m staring at my bare feet, trying to control my breathing.

  “I need you to leave. We can’t see each other anymore. I’m sorry.” I try to get away from him, but his hold on me is stronger, and I don’t just mean his arms.

  “Who the fuck said this?” Max’s mad, and I’m heartbroken. I shake my head not wanting to throw someone under the bus. “Reagan, tell me now!” I think his voice is louder than he wants it to be as Jonathan comes out of his room. He’s looking around, sees me crying, and Max having a hold of me. Jonathan comes flying into the room and punches Max square in the jaw. As he stumbles back from the hit, we both go down. My head smacks off the door to the cupboard as Max tries to brace me from the fall. Shawn comes running over to grab Jonathan off of Max.

  “Stay away from aunt.” I hurry off the floor and go to help Max up.

  “Go check on him. He needs you right now.” I go into the living room to see a red-faced young man trying to control his anger.

  “Look at me. Max didn’t make me cry. There is some stuff going on that you don’t know about. Are you okay?” I grab his right hand to see it bruising. “Nic, grab some ice for Jonathan.” I sit on the floor.

  “What do you mean there is stuff going on? Who made you cry?” I don’t condone Jonathan’s behavior, but I can understand it. The last day or so has been pretty upsetting for this teenage boy especially with the adults behaving like him and his friends.

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Like hell it doesn’t. Who told you that you can’t see me anymore?” Max is sitting next to me. Shawn is looking to Cash for something, as Cash watches the scene before him.

  Max

  Looking out of the corner of my eye at the one person who has been quiet through all of this, my brother-in-law, Cash, I turn to look at him, glaring. “I take it from the lack of anything from you, that you pulled the Veto Card.” Cash nods. “Why?”

  “I don’t have to explain my reasons to anyone. It’s between my friends and I.”

  “Fine.” Cash wants to play that game, then I’ll see how he likes it. “Babe, Veto Card Cash.”

  “No. I’m not going to make him give up Abby.”

  “But it’s okay that he makes you do it? You’re a better friend than me.” I kiss her and head out. Abby tries to stop me, but I keep walking.

  “Cash, fix this.”

  “I’m doing what’s best for all of us. Can we go now?”

  “Just like the Cash of high school. Leave once the damage is done. Get out of my apartment. Don’t call me for a while. I’ll call you when I decide if and when I forgive you. The first relationship I’m in that makes me happy and want to be open to life. You destroy it to save yourself a little discomfort. I thought you were different.” I’m standing outside fuming. I grip the bar so tight that my knuckles are turning white.

  “What is the deal?” I get in Cash’s face. “You want to keep everyone around you miserable, hurting so you can shove it in our faces that you got your girl?” Abby is in the doorway, watching this display between us. “Guess what, you won. You got the girl, so screw her family.”

  “I did what I did for everyone. Right now, you’re probably hurt, but you’re going to have find someone else. You guys will thank me in time.” Now Abby and Reagan are in the door.

  “Fuck you, Cash. Abby, it was nice to meet you.” Reagan starts to close the door, but I stop her.

  “Reagan, please. Don’t give up on us, on me.”

  “Max, I don’t want to give up on us.” She looks past me to Cash. Reagan’s shoulders sag.

  “I need you. You need me,” I whisper to her as I kiss her. Reagan melts into my body.

  I hear Cash yell, “Ouch.” We both look and see Abby pinching his arm.

  “Fix it. Fix it now or I’m moving in with Max.” Abby stomps toward my apartment door and winks at Reagan.

  “Fine, but if either one of you hurt the other one and try to destroy this family, then don’t blame me.” “How do you know they would destroy it?” Abby asks with her hands on her hips. I don’t pity Cash tonight. She has at least three hours of ranting and bitching stored up for his ass. I smile, remembering her rant when I drank the last of the chocolate milk.

  “Abby, I saw you today, and I heard Reagan’s voice when she thought she was losing me. I can’t lose you both. I know, I was selfish.” Cash’s demeanor changes from the strong confident man that I met last year to a scared child.

  “Cash, we can’t lose each other. I would never rip you from your family, like you would never rip me from my mine. We don’t know the future, but living in fear isn’t what we should be doing. We need to embrace the present. I believe someone taught me about living in the past.” Cash grabs Abby into his arms.

  “Not fair using my words against me, my love.” Cash looks at Reagan. “I’m so sorry. I never want to hurt you.”

  “Right now, I don’t want to talk to you. You can be a very selfish asshole. Cash, you broke my heart today, and I hope to be able to forgive you. I need to talk to Jonathan about this week. You’ll check in on him, right?” Reagan speaks her mind and is angry, but her tone changes to soft when talking about Jonathan.

  “Are you sure that this trip is smart?” I give Cash the pointed stared. “Of course. Where is he staying?”

  “Here with Shawn depending on schedules or with Joan.”

  “Have a great time. I love you,” Cash says as he holds open his arms for Reagan. She hugs him, but I can tell that their relationship is in trouble.

  “I love you too.”

  We say our goodbyes to Abby and Cash. Nic, Shawn, and Sarah are in the apartment listening. “Did you order the pizza? I’m starving,” Reagan whines. Shawn nods.

  “Aunt Reagan, you’re leaving?” Jonathan asks as he pauses his video game.

  “Yes, I wanted to talk to you about it. Max asked me if I would go back to Pennsylvania with him for the week. Are you okay with that?”

  “Yes. Wait, where am I staying?” Jonathan asks while he looks between Shawn and Nicarra.

  “You are going to be staying here with Uncle Shawn or going to Granny J’s house. You will be spending t
ime with Aunt Nicarra and Uncle Cash.” I tell Jonathan, but he looks mad when I bring up Cash.

  “I don’t want to stay with Uncle Cash.”

  “Don’t be mad at him. Aunt Reagan and I talked to him. He said he was sorry.”

  “I’m sorry for punching you. I don’t like seeing my aunt cry.”

  “Jonathan, you have a nice right hook. You should think about boxing.” I laugh, rubbing my jaw. There is a knock at the door and I get up first. I pay for the pizza while Reagan protests. We sit in silence, eating, and watching Harry Potter: The Chamber of Secrets. I found out that the Harry Potter series are Reagan’s favorite movies. I notice that Reagan’s breathing has changed from the time we started the movie—she fell asleep cuddled up to me. Jonathan is lying on her asleep. Am I ready for this? Can I be a good role model to him? Will my past be a defining moment? I need to talk to Thomas. Nicarra and Shawn are watching me closely.

  “Don’t question it. Reagan doesn’t let just anyone around Jonathan. She has never stood up to Cash like that even when he deserved it,” Nicarra says as she stands up to start cleaning.

  “I don’t know how to do this, though.”

  “Do what?” Shawn asks.

  “Relationships. I only do one-night stands.”

  “Ha. Don’t ask Shawn. He prefers one-nights. Max, just be yourself. You and Reagan will figure things out.” I feel Reagan start to move around on me. I smile down as she repositions herself to get comfortable. I grab a piece of her hair and twist it around my fingers.

  “I’m going to go get some clothes so I can stay here with him for a few days. I’ll try not to be long.” We bump fists as he’s out the door.

  “I should go too. I need to pick the kids up from Joan’s house.” Nicarra sits down in the recliner, not eager to leave.

  “I need to go pack. Can you stay with them until I get back?” Nic looks at me and then shakes her head.

  “You do realize that she’s an adult, right?”

  “I know that, but I don’t want her to wake up by herself thinking everyone left.”

  “Go, get out of here. I’ll have Shawn bring my kids when he comes back.” I get up and kiss the top of her head.

  I go to my apartment to finish getting ready for my trip back to Pennsylvania with Reagan. I walk into my office to gather some papers to go over while in town when I notice an envelope under a pile of papers that I was messing with and remember it's from my biological dad. I shove it into my briefcase as I head out the door. Since Reagan is coming with me and we are leaving two days early, I decide to drive. I can’t wait to be alone with her to get to know her better.

  I load up the truck with my stuff and hear a couple of kids laughing, running up the stairs. I see movement out of the corner of my eye and notice Shawn carrying a black duffel bag. “Hey.” We nod at each other and head back to Reagan’s apartment. “Sorry about Cash, I can’t believe he actually used that card.”

  Reagan

  I stretch and open my eyes to see I'm lying on my couch. I can't feel my legs so I try to wiggle and notice that Jonathan is lying on me, fast asleep. I see Nicarra flipping through channels. “What are you doing here? I thought you needed to get the boys.”

  “Your boyfriend didn't want you to be alone. Shawn’s bringing them over to me.” Nicarra shrugs as I roll my eyes.

  “He does know that I'm an adult, right?”

  “I told him that.” We laugh. “Are you looking forward to this trip?”

  “I'm terrified but looking forward to it. I need to figure some things out too.” I get out from under Jonathan. Nic gets up and follows me to my bedroom so I can start packing. “When I get back, we are moving above the store.”

  “Good. You need to get back to what you love. I can clean it up this week or make Cash pay for someone to clean it. He fucked up.”

  “Yes, he did, but I know why he did it. I just can't believe Jonathan's reaction to it all. I just hope that he can forgive Cash. They are family.” I hear a noise behind me and see Max standing there. “Hi.” Nic scurries from the room.

  “Almost ready?”

  I blush. “I just woke up. I still need to pack. Are we in a hurry to leave and what should I pack?”

  “I wasn't supposed to leave until Tuesday, so we're not on a schedule. I know that there is a festival at the end of the week that I would love to take you to. Are you okay?”

  “I'm nervous for a couple of reasons: leaving Jonathan for the first time for over a week, and going away with a guy I just met.”

  “Do you not trust me? Are you afraid I'm going to kill you on the way to Pennsylvania?” I chuckle.

  “I do trust you, and that scares me. I feel more connected with you than I have with anyone I've encountered. I see a future with you, and we've known each other what, three or four days? It's just not me; Jonathan comes first. Now that I know your sister and my best friend are who they are makes it all a little … complicated. Is that the word I'm looking for?” I sit down on the bed as I move the bag out of the way. I didn't expect to start this conversation so heavy before our road trip for him to say goodbye to his mentor.

  “Complicated is a good word, but we take things one day at a time. I'm new to the relationship, so we take it slow. Be gentle with me.” Max flutters his eyelids then start laughing when I toss my pillow at his head. “I'm calling my friends, Rob and Aaron, up to make sure it's still cool to stay with them. Gay people don't offend you, do they?” I shake my head, and he leaves the room. I finish packing and head out to the living room to Nic’s kids and Jonathan playing Monopoly together.

  “Jonathan, can I steal you away for a few minutes?” Jonathan tells the boys to hold the game. “Are you okay with this?”

  “I'm good. Go, have some fun. I like Max. Go do your soul searching or whatever you adults do. I'm good with Uncle Shawn and Aunt Nicarra.”

  “Call Uncle Cash. He was only looking after me.”

  “I'll think about it. We’ll FaceTime, right?” I think Jonathan is nervous about me being gone.

  “Of course, and I'm taking lots of pictures. We'll plan a fun trip this summer. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” For being a teenager, he doesn't shy away from the hugs and letting me know he loves me. I think it has a lot to do with his parents dying. I stand there trying not to cry as I make my way back to the living room when I hear Jonathan talking to Max. “If anything happens to my aunt, I'm coming after you.” Max nods.

  “Let’s get this show on the road. Now, Shawn, you know the rules and what needs to be done. Jonathan's schedule is on the fridge. He has practice after school and a game on Saturday. Please remember to feed him.”

  “I forgot one time, and you never let me forget it. He could have told me that he was hungry,” Shawn says with a smile on his face.

  “He couldn't talk yet, doofus,” Nic pipes in and we laugh. Jonathan was about a year old when Shawn first watched him. I was in the house, too, but I had just had surgery so I was out of it. Jason and Kennedy were out on a date for their anniversary. Shawn didn't know how to change a diaper, and it was so funny walking into the living room to check on them. Shawn was asleep with a bottle in his right hand, diaper in his left, and drool coming from his mouth. Jonathan was sitting in a laundry basket with clothes on his head, giggling. I managed to get a picture from the camera that Kennedy kept on the entertainment stand so they never missed anything. I take that picture off my shelf to show Max. Max laughs, and I mean really laughs, loud with tears down his face.

  “Don't you two need to be leaving?” Shawn grabs the photo from Max’s hands to put back up on the shelf.

  We say our goodbyes next to Max’s truck. I cry because I'm not sure about leaving Jonathan. He keeps reassuring me, but it's hard knowing that I won't see him for a week. He tells me to put my big girl panties on and enjoy my time with Max. He’s looking forward to some male bonding with Shawn.

  We're on the road for about an hour before Max breaks the silence. “Want m
e to turn around?” I push my shades up to the top of my head.

  “No. I want to go.” I squeeze his hand for reassurance. “We have lots of open road ahead of us, should we play 20 Questions?”

  Max laughs. “20 Questions could be dangerous with you, Reagan. I see liquor for this game.”

  Max smiles, but it never reaches his eyes. He’s a beautiful man whose eyes give away the pain of his past. Max uses the pain of the past to shield himself from getting hurt, and I’ve been like that too. “Penny for your thoughts?”

  “You’re a beautiful man, Max Stephens.” Max scoffs as he rolls his eyes. “I’m getting hungry. Are we going to stop for the night or take turns driving?” Max’s eyes flick between looking at the truck’s steering wheel to me. “What, you don’t trust me with your baby?”

  Max pats the dashboard as he mocks me. “There, there. Reagan is jealous of my love for you.” I roll my eyes as I stare out the window, trying to hold back the sarcastic remarks that are on the tip of my tongue.

  “We’ll stop for the night, take our time exploring. What do you think?”

  “Sounds like a plan to me.” My phone rings breaking the silence, and I see Cash’s name pop up. “Hello?”

  “Reagan, it’s Abby. I was calling Max but he didn’t answer. Cash let me use his phone since I don’t have your number.”

  “Oh, that’s okay. If you want my number, just take it from his phone. Max didn’t answer because he’s driving. Let me put it on speaker for you to talk to him.”

  “Max, Marshall just called me. Dad had a heart attack, he is stable.”

  “What do you want me to do about it?” Max’s tone is bitter, full of hate.

  “Oh, I don’t know, maybe check on him.” Abby almost sounds disappointed. Watching Max, his whole demeanor changes. He’s now sitting up straight almost stone-like. The face that was just smiling and carefree is void of all emotions.