by Ruchi Kokcha
She sat behind him on his bike and held him tightly. Somehow she felt her grip on him loosening.
Is this a bad sign? She hoped not.
She squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to block out her negative thoughts and focus on something positive.
She remembered their first meeting at Shameet’s birthday party. Both had been hiding themselves in their respective corners. But she had spotted him. Not quite tall and with a slim build, he looked fit. If one judged him on a purely physical scale he would not score more than average, but there was something in his eyes that added a magnetic charm to his personality.
Wow! What eyes! Black and large. They look dewy, not because of the smoke in the room but probably because they mirror a warm heart, she had thought as she stared at him.
She had kept her gaze fixed on him while he stood by a window, looking out as if in search of something.
Just when she was beginning to feel that this philosopher might never snap out of his thoughts and was about to leave, he had turned towards her. She had given him a smile, to which he had reacted in a rather surprised manner. It was hard for him to believe that an attractive woman would approach him.
She had walked up to him and they had decided to move out of the smoke-filled room to find some fresh air. Soon, they were engrossed in conversation and did not even realize when the last of the guests left. It was 4.30 in the morning. Trisha had wanted to call a taxi, but Avik had insisted on dropping her home on his bike.
Reminiscing about their first meeting helped calm her. She was ready to talk to him now.
He stopped in front of their favourite coffee shop, a place he thought would be perfect for closure. He ordered her a cappuccino but she was least interested in it. He sat down opposite her, grappling with what to say. He looked into her pitch-dark eyes. They were full of questions and he realized that he could no longer put off the inevitable.
‘I’m moving to Delhi for an assignment. I do not know for how long,’ he blurted out, startling her.
She stared at him.
His attention was focused on her face, as he wanted to read her expressions rather than listen to what she had to say. He had always trusted body language more than words.
She forced a smile and took a sip of the coffee that had turned cold in the silence that had passed between them at the table.
‘So what is the assignment? It must be big enough for you to move,’ she finally said.
‘Yes. I am going to cover the story of Kalki Rajput’s death. No one knows what actually happened except her daughter Ananki. The one—’
‘The one who has been in an asylum for the last six years,’ Trisha completed his sentence. ‘Are you totally out of your mind, Avik? Do you have any idea what you are up to?’ She was furious. She would never have stopped him from moving ahead in his career, being ambitious herself, but this move, she felt, would exterminate his career, if not him.
‘Yes, I do,’ he replied in a low voice, looking down at the table, avoiding her stare.
‘No, you don’t,’ she shouted. ‘She is a siren, a witch who knows nothing but to seduce men and turn them mad. Please do not let Sahay use you to get a spicy story. I cannot let you do it, Avik. You must know what happened to the journalists who went to her. I don’t want you to share the same fate. Please,’ Trisha was almost begging him.
He saw on her face the fear of losing him forever.
‘I will be fine, trust me. This is important to me,’ Avik tried to reassure her.
But was he sure himself? He had no answer.
He dropped her home and as a goodbye, hugged her tightly, thinking it might be the last time he held her in his arms. She clutched his shirt, not wanting to let go.
He expected her to ask him to come up to her beautiful apartment so they could make it a night to remember. But she did not. She would not do him any such favour, now that he had chosen the assignment over her. She gave him a peck on his cheek and ran into the building.
On the entire ride back home, he kept wondering if Trisha was right.
Avik got home with a heavy heart. Something was making him uneasy, but it was not their break-up. Trisha’s words had made him nervous.
Is Sahay just using me, as Trisha believes? What happened to the journalists who worked on the story? Avik was full of doubts as he packed for his trip to Delhi.
He needed answers before he set forth himself. He made a cup of tea and sat down to google Kalki Rajput. Stories about her accidental death or suicide or murder came up. He read some of the headlines.
Millionare Wife Kalki Rajput Drowns Herself
Wife Commits Suicide, Daughter Goes Insane
In Death Did They Part: Ronit Rajput Loses Wife to the Yamuna
He clicked on a story about Ananki’s madness.
He read the entire article. Then he read several more. None of the articles provided any details about the reasons behind Ananki’s sudden insanity except her mother’s death.
Can anyone love their mother so much that her death would make them insane? he wondered.
It was strange to him. He looked at the clock. It was 2.50 a.m. Not a very good time to call Sahay, but he had no choice. The sleepy voice on the other end seemed quite reluctant to answer.
‘I want to know the names of the journalists who have worked on Ananki’s story earlier,’ he asked Sahay, coming straight to the point.
‘I don’t know their names, but I have heard that they were reduced to such a terrible plight after they started working on her case that they couldn’t cover the entire story,’ Sahay sleepily replied.
‘What plight?’
‘One of them met with an accident and died on the spot. Nothing regarding Ananki’s version of her mother’s death was found in his belongings. Another one went missing and hasn’t been found till date. The third one was thought to be missing too, but after a year it was discovered that he had been admitted into a mental institution. It is said that he had been doing drugs for a long time. Anything else you want to ask?’
‘No. Nothing.’
‘Are you sure you want to go to Delhi or have you changed your mind?’ Sahay asked almost tauntingly.
‘No. I am going to leave for Delhi tomorrow,’ Avik replied and hung up.
The ceiling above his head seemed to be spinning. The day had proved to be a very difficult one. He fell on his bed; he had to discover what no else had been able to.
This assignment is not just access to a story but the fulfilment of a dream. I have waited long enough for a break like this; I cannot wait any longer. Nothing in this world can stop me; neither love nor fear can pull me back. I am ready. Avik covered himself with a sheet, falling asleep almost immediately.
2
The positive thoughts he had had before falling asleep made Avik wake up feeling far more optimistic. The first thing he did was to clean his flat. When he was done, he looked around fondly. This was his home and he wanted to come back to it after the assignment was over. He went to every corner of his flat, caressing small objects that he never otherwise paid any attention to, objects that safeguarded the memories he had made in this city.
Avik stopped in front of the photo that adorned his living- room wall. It had been taken at Trisha’s birthday a year ago. She had her arms around his neck as he put cake on her tiny nose. Her pearly white teeth gleamed in a smile that reflected the happiness in her heart. He reached out to touch Trisha’s face. His moist eyes betrayed how terribly he was going to miss her. But he had made his choice.
He reached the airport early in the hope that Trisha would come to see him off. He called her twice but she did not answer her phone. After leaving many messages he finally got a reply from her. She could not come to meet him.
Of course her presentation is more important. How can I blame her? She loves what she does; so do I. Our love for our respective dreams is greater than the love we have for each other.
Although parting from Trisha was difficult, Avik knew that
he had no choice. It would be better if he directed his thoughts to the task ahead of him. To Ananki.
He boarded the flight, switched off his mobile phone and closed his eyes so the darkness could envelop him. He had loved the dark ever since he was a little boy. It was the source of his imagination. Strangely, it was the one thing he trusted the most, for it revealed what was missed by the logical eye. He let himself float freely in its grey realm. He wanted the darkness to show him Ananki before he actually saw her. He whispered her name thrice and saw her standing right in front of him as if her spirit had been conjured. She walked towards him and sat in the vacant seat adjacent to his. Was he prepared to look at her? She leaned towards his left ear as if to say something. He was anxious to hear the first words from her.
‘So, you are adamant on committing suicide. Mind you, you will regret this decision,’ he heard her say.
Wait a minute, this is a very familiar voice. He turned to her. It was Trisha, shouting at him. Strangely, he could not hear a single word. He got up, went to the emergency exit, opened it and jumped out of the aircraft. How he had longed for this fresh air! It was chilling and his body was going numb. He spread his arms. It was exhilarating. He wished he could stop the passage of time. He loosened his watch and let it fall, hoping he could escape time, but it would not stop for him even if he let it go. He knew nothing more except being in free fall. He looked down. He felt he was looking at a Google Earth map.
‘Excuse me, sir, sorry to wake you up, but we have landed at Delhi airport,’ the airhostess said, tapping his shoulder.
He woke up. Nearly the entire aircraft had emptied out. He moved towards the exit with a heavy head.
Avik took a taxi to the flat Sahay had arranged. It was a studio apartment, barely big enough for him. He relaxed on the couch and closed his eyes. An image of a being, half- serpent, half-woman, flashed before his eyes. He quickly opened them, sat up, reached for his phone and the next thing he knew, his mother’s voice was on the other end.
‘Avik, are you okay? What happened? Why are you not saying anything? Can you hear me, Avik?’
‘Yes, Ma. I am in Delhi,’ he replied, not knowing what else to say.
He could not understand why he had dialled his mother’s number. They had not spoken to each other in months, since he had made her meet Trisha. She had thought Trisha was too independent to be his wife and would not settle down with him, at least not for the next several years.
According to his mother, it was high time he got married. The thirties were the age for rearing children, not for wandering about as a bachelor. Avik, on the other hand, wanted to make it big before taking on marital responsibilities. This was his last chance and he was determined to accomplish something.
‘Where are you staying? Why don’t you stay at home?’ she asked.
‘I am here on an important assignment, Ma. I can’t stay at home,’ Avik replied.
‘You think I will disturb you?’ she asked in the tone that Avik had always disliked. It was neither a taunt nor a question, but a sad truth that filled him with guilt.
‘It is not like that, Ma, but I don’t want to bother you. If I stay there, I know you won’t sleep until I do and I won’t be able to work like that. Please understand,’ Avik pleaded.
‘Are you still upset with me because of the things I said about Trisha? That was my opinion, but you know I will respect your decision,’ she said.
‘I know, Ma. Goodnight.’
‘Avik, I won’t interfere with your plans. I just want to be sure that you are fine. You don’t sound okay to me,’ she insisted.
‘Ma, I’m fine. I am tired because of the journey. I will visit you soon. Take care,’ Avik said and hung up.
It was foolish of me to have told Ma that I am in Delhi. Moreover, the fact that he had not been able to tell his mother that he had broken up with Trisha disturbed him. It would have comforted her. She has tried her best to hide it, but I know that Trisha is not someone she wants to share me with.
The two women made him feel like a failure as a son and a boyfriend. He hoped the next woman in his life would bring him the long-awaited success. He started thinking about this woman as he lay back on the couch and gazed up at the ceiling with a blank expression. Suddenly, something struck him.
I can search the Internet for a picture of Ananki Rajput, he thought as he rushed to fetch his laptop bag.
He typed her name in the search bar and pressed enter. Of the several hundred images that popped up, the one that caught his attention first was one of the Parthenon in Athens. He clicked on it and discovered that ‘Ananki’ was derived from the name of the Greek goddess ‘Ananke’, who was one of the Greek primordial deities. She marked the beginning of the cosmos along with her husband Chronos. Ananke was the goddess of inevitability and fate.
That is indeed a strange name, strange yet inevitable, he thought.
But all he cared about at the moment was what Ananki Rajput looked like. He searched for images of her. There she was. He breathed a sigh of relief on seeing a young girl with long hair, a wheatish complexion, sharp nose and big eyes. He could not be sure if her eyes were dark brown or black, but something told him that they were dark brown, the colour of the dark chocolate brownie he had always loved.
He looked at another picture, a full-length shot. She appeared to be quite tall for an Indian woman, at least 5’ 8’’. She had a slender waist and a charming smile. The beautiful smile made him smile too. She had a girl-next-door look.
Avik realized that he was very tired. He needed a sound sleep. A sleep untarnished by dreams. Lucky are the people who can forget their dreams. Why do I remember them? Why do they occupy such a huge space in my mind? Remembrance can be a painful experience. It brings lament for the moments that are lost in time, the moments that died and are buried in the past, the moments that can never be resurrected. Memories float like ghosts in the subconscious, making appearances through dreams, troubling to the point of torture, making the conscious mind beg for some solace, he deliberated as he went to fetch a bottle of whisky from his bag. He needed something that would soothe his mind, keep the thoughts and memories at bay. What better than a few large pegs of whisky? He drank till he dropped off.
The following morning, Avik took his first good look at the studio apartment. He did not like it at all. It was too small even for one person. There was little room for him to pace up and down when he needed to think. There was no writing table. This vexed him the most. He hated the sight of the ugly couch and the little table it was paired with.
The bathroom was worse. There was little room for him to scrub his back and he bruised his elbow while bathing.
When he finally left, he realized that there were no general stores within a two-kilometre radius of the flat. He could not find an autorickshaw either. He was hungry, his elbow throbbed and he had to walk to find any sign of civilization. It was not a very good start to his ‘mission Ananki’. He was annoyed and cursed Sahay.
That son of a bitch must be having his breakfast in his air- conditioned cabin while here I am, wandering around with an empty stomach in the Delhi heat. He treats me as if I am nothing more than a street dog that gets whipped for barking unnecessarily.
Finally, after a long walk, Avik saw an autorickshaw coming towards him. He stopped it and jumped inside, instructing the driver to take him to Connaught Place.
‘Why haven’t you turned on the meter?’ Avik inquired after a few minutes.
‘It doesn’t work,’ the driver replied casually.
‘Then how much will you charge?’ Avik was getting increasingly agitated.
‘Two hundred rupees.’
Avik wanted to smack the driver for even suggesting such an exorbitant fare.
Nothing was working out as he had planned. He had come to Delhi to make it big, but all he was doing was wandering hungry on its scorching streets with a bruised elbow.
After battling his hunger and thirst for two hours he finally reached his
favourite food and beer joint in Connaught Place.
He ordered a plate of chicken tikka and a pitcher of beer.
The heat had gotten to him. He needed to cool down. The beer helped.
He was almost done with his meal when he saw a girl approaching his table. As she drew close, he recognized her. She was Khyati, a friend of his from school in Aligarh. They had also travelled on the same University Special bus to college.
‘Look at you! You look so different,’ Avik exclaimed even before she had reached his table.
He could not believe his eyes. Khyati had always been a tomboy. Seeing her in a kurti and long skirt amazed him. Her fair, glowing skin, a little eyeliner, mauve lipstick and big silver earrings she was wearing all combined to make her look beautiful.
‘Different in a good way or bad way?’ she asked, giving him a hug.
‘Good,’ he said, smiling. ‘It’s been so long. How have you been?’ Avik asked as he hugged her, noticing that she had become more voluptuous.
‘Been great, and you?’
‘Sit, sit. There’s so much to catch up on,’ Avik gestured to the chair next to him.
‘I’m here with my friends,’ she replied politely, pointing to a table in the corner of the restaurant, her glass bangles tinkling.
‘Ah, I see! Your girl gang, eh! Why don’t you tell them you have better company now?’ Avik chuckled.
‘Is that not for me to decide?’ Khyati played along.
‘But to decide you must experience my company as well,’ Avik replied.
He desperately wanted her to stay with him and turn what remained of the day into a good one.
Khyati smiled. ‘All right, I’ll just go and tell my friends that I won’t be joining them.’
When she returned, she sat next to him on the couch.
‘You have not changed at all. The same happy-go-lucky attitude, the same always-smiling face, the same always-part-of-a-girl-gang. You know, back in school everyone thought you were a lesbian. I just hope that it isn’t true.’ Avik smiled as he whispered the last part.
‘Oh my God, really? And all this while I wondered why no one ever sent me gifts on Valentine’s Day, wrapped up in shimmering paper, delivered with the aid of a common friend.’ Khyati laughed, winking at Avik, reminding him of the time when he had once made her the mediator for sending a gift to his first crush at school.
