Surprises According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  I stopped again and looked back over my shoulder. I didn’t see anything: no Aldo, no aliens, nobody at all. When I turned back, the piece of paper I was holding in my teeth brushed against the floor. Crinkle-crinkle-crinkle-crinkle. Whew—that was the sound. I was following myself! I reminded myself to tell Og that part of the story when I got back. But first, I had to find the suggestion box.

  I hurried down the hallway, glancing at each door. Then I looked straight ahead. There was the front door! And across from it was a big glass window and an even bigger door than the other rooms had. I moved closer and read the sign over the door: Principal.

  JOY-JOY-JOY! I scurried as fast as I could toward that wonderful door. All I had to do was drop my note in the suggestion box and race back to Room 26 and my scheme would be a complete success.

  Crinkle-crinkle-crinkle-crinkle. I looked up at that big door, but there was no box in front of the principal’s office! Nothing next to it, either. It simply wasn’t there. I stood there, feeling completely crushed.

  And then, I looked straight up. There was a large box attached to the door, way above my head. I backed up so I could read the writing on it: SUGGESTION BOX. That was great, but how was I supposed to get up there? I couldn’t climb up the side of the doorway because it was completely smooth and there was nothing to hang on to. Even though I’m quite an acrobat, I certainly couldn’t jump that high.

  I remembered once when Richie and Seth made little airplanes by folding pieces of paper and throwing them. I wished I’d paid more attention. I considered making an airplane out of my suggestion, but I couldn’t figure out how to sail it up to the box.

  Just then, I heard the familiar squeaking of Aldo’s cleaning cart. Normally, I was delighted to see my friend, but this time, I didn’t want him to find me out of my cage. I dropped my suggestion on the floor and darted across the hall, into the shadows under a drinking fountain.

  Aldo whistled a happy song as he pushed his cart past the drinking fountain. He didn’t notice me, thank goodness. But he stopped in front of the principal’s office and bent down to pick up the piece of paper. My heart sank when I saw him start to toss it into his trash bag. But then he stopped and examined it, lifting the note up so he could get more light.

  “Mamma mia,” he said. “Thirty years?” He looked puzzled. But instead of throwing the note in the trash, he dropped it in the suggestion box. Then he continued down the hall, turning right at the corner.

  I heard another loud noise: THUMP-THUMP-THUMP. But I wasn’t scared this time because I knew it was just the pounding of my heart.

  I peeked around the corner just in time to see Aldo lock the door marked Custodian. He didn’t have his cart anymore, so I guess he was finished for the night. He wore a hat now, and he turned and disappeared from view.

  I counted to one hundred. When I was sure the coast was clear, I raced back down the hall and slid under the door of Room 26.

  I had to swing back up to my table using the cord from the blinds like a trapeze, but I’d done that many times before. As scary as it was, it couldn’t compare to what I’d experienced in the hallways of Longfellow School that night.

  “BOING-BOING-BOING-BOING!” Og greeted me.

  Once I was back in my cage, I took a long drink of water and caught my breath.

  It took most of the rest of the night for me to tell Og all that had happened and for us both to ponder what Aldo thought about that note and whether Principal Morales would even read it.

  I spent most of the next day dozing, but once or twice I woke up. I was pleased to see that Heidi was raising her hand, at least most of the time. When the last bell rang, Mrs. Brisbane quietly congratulated her and gave her a riddle sticker.

  The rest of the week was QUIET-QUIET-QUIET. After all the testing, and the silliness, it was nice to be back to a normal classroom, but I was worried. Had Mr. Morales gotten the suggestion? Did he like the idea? And what would he do about it? In my time at Longfellow School, I’ve noticed that humans can be smart, nice and even important like the principal and still not understand the simplest thing a hamster tries to tell them.

  You can have a great idea, you can have a Plan, but sometimes it doesn’t work out. Maybe I could think of another way to tell Mrs. Brisbane what a great teacher she is, but for now, I was fresh out of ideas.

  Two weeks later, on a Friday afternoon, Mrs. Brisbane read aloud to us, which is something she does so well. This was a thumping good story about a pig. I’ve never seen a pig, but this story made me care about him a great deal. In fact, I was so nervous about what would happen to that pig, I hopped on my wheel for a good, fast spin.

  Then it happened. That unbelievably loud BEEP-BEEP-BEEP was back and I was so surprised, I tumbled off my wheel into my soft bedding.

  “Class, it’s the fire alarm,” said Mrs. Brisbane. She seemed a little nervous. “Please form two lines.”

  Even though Jeff Herman had said to leave the pets and let the firefighters rescue them, Garth and A.J. took Og’s tank while Miranda gently picked up my cage. Sayeh came forward to help her.

  “Children, no!” Mrs. Brisbane said.

  “Please?” asked Miranda. We were already at the door.

  Mrs. Brisbane shook her head. “Oh, go ahead.”

  Before I knew it, we were out in the hall, where all the other classes were lining up. In the distance, I heard the screech of Mrs. Wright’s whistle.

  And then we were outside. It was such a beautiful day! I was hoping there wasn’t a real fire, not here or anywhere. But if there was, I was prepared to STOP-DROP-ROLL. As I looked around, I noticed that the playground looked a lot different than the last time we had a fire drill.

  For one thing, there was a big, shiny fire engine parked near the swings. Sitting on top of the fire engine was our old friend Jeff Herman, smiling broadly. A small stage had been set up with a microphone. Sitting on the stage was none other than Mr. Brisbane, in his wheelchair. He was smiling, too. There were all kinds of familiar faces. Was that Aldo? And his wife, Maria? Many of my friends’ parents were there. And some people who didn’t seem to belong there at all, like Joyce from Maycrest Manor and Aldo’s niece, Amy.

  WHAT-WHAT-WHAT was going on? I wondered. And then I saw a banner draped above the stage. It said, MRS. BRISBANE APPRECIATION DAY.

  I glanced over at my teacher. I’ve seen Mrs. Brisbane look happy, sad, mad, tired, puzzled and even discouraged. But I’ve never seen her look so surprised.

  Mr. Morales stepped up onstage and tapped the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, students, we are gathered here to honor one of Longfellow School’s greatest assets: Mrs. Sue Brisbane of Room Twenty-six. For thirty years, she’s been informing, supporting and inspiring students in our community. And I think it’s time that we all said, ‘Thank you!’”

  The crowd cheered wildly. “THANKS-THANKS-THANKS!” I shouted as loudly as my little lungs would let me. I heard an enthusiastic “BOING-BOING-BOING” behind me.

  The principal continued. “As we all know, it’s not easy to get Mrs. Brisbane out of her classroom, so I want to thank Jeff Herman of the Fire Department for helping us arrange this fire drill as part of our scheme. Thanks, Jeff.”

  After more applause, Mrs. Brisbane was called to the stage, where she took a seat next to Mr. Brisbane, who just couldn’t stop smiling. Then, one by one, people came up to the microphone to thank Mrs. Brisbane. Aldo said she’d inspired him to go back to school to be a teacher. Amy said she’d inspired her to become a doctor. Joyce said Mrs. Brisbane had realized her son had a hearing problem and got him help. Other parents thanked her. And then, the students of Room 26 were called up to the stage.

  Miranda brought me right along, and Richie and Kirk brought Og, too. Mrs. Wright stood in front of the stage and blew her whistle (of course). Garth started strumming his guitar (where did that come from?). Then my friends began to sing a song that sounded a lot like “Yankee Doodle Came to Town,” but with different words.

  Mrs.
Brisbane came to school

  To teach us to be smarter,

  When we tried to goof around,

  She made us work much harder.

  Mrs. Brisbane, keep it up,

  You are oh so handy,

  Keep on teaching kids like us,

  And we will all be dandy.

  Mrs. Brisbane taught us well,

  Starting in September,

  We have learned so much from her,

  And we will all remember.

  Mrs. Brisbane, thanks a lot,

  We will not forget you,

  Don’t stop helping kids like us,

  For we will never let you.

  And then they all shouted, “Thanks, Mrs. Brisbane!”

  Mr. Brisbane handed his wife a handkerchief and she wiped her eyes. I wished I had a handkerchief, too.

  Mr. Morales came to the microphone again and thanked Mrs. Wright. “It took some clever planning to keep this party and this song a surprise,” he said. “Mrs. Wright taught the children the song during P.E. class. Our room mothers, Mrs. Hopper and Mrs. Patel, made a lot of calls, and our custodian, Aldo Amato, and his wife helped organize this day.”

  It was nice to think that Mr. Morales made a Plan, too. I always knew he was a very smart human.

  Everyone applauded again. But Mr. Morales wasn’t finished. “Most of the time, we don’t thank our teachers until they retire. I’m so glad we had the chance to thank Mrs. Brisbane for not retiring. We hope she’ll be here another thirty years.”

  “At least!” I squeaked, which made Miranda giggle.

  “Finally, I can’t take credit for thinking of this surprise party,” Mr. Morales continued. “I have to thank an unknown person who left the suggestion in my suggestion box. Thank you, whoever you are.”

  “You’re welcome,” I squeaked softly.

  “So things worked out, Og,” I said that evening when my friend and I were alone.

  Og leaped up and dove down into his tank with a gigantic splash. That meant he was happy. So was I.

  Sometimes you have to give a Plan a long time to work.

  Sometimes things work out differently than you expected, but they still work out.

  Life is full of surprises. And I think that’s a VERY-VERY-VERY good thing.

  SUGGESTION: An idea you offer to someone else in order to be helpful. It’s a good idea to listen to suggestions, especially if they involve parties and, more importantly, if they involve parties honoring friends you REALLY-REALLY-REALLY like. If those parties include your favorite humans and nice speeches and some singing, so much the better.

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  Humphrey’s Top Ten Good Surprises

  1. Share something with a friend: like ice cream (or broccoli—yum!) or a great book.

  2. Put a note saying something nice about someone on his or her desk. Don’t sign it! (And don’t use the word rat in the note—NO-NO-NO! Unless you’re talking about a pet rat you love. Because pet rats are almost as nice as hamsters.)

  3. Throw a surprise party for someone special.

  4. Help somebody (like your mom or dad or teacher) without being asked. Now that’s a nice surprise!

  5. Visit someone in the hospital or a retirement home. Bring something you can do together, like a puzzle or music to listen to.

  6. Offer to read to your younger brothers and sisters. Or offer to play a game with them.

  7. Draw a picture of someone you like and give it to that person.

  8. Give your dog or cat (or hamster) a good scratching. They’ll like it—but be gentle!

  9. Smile at someone when they least expect it.

  10. Invite a friend over to play with your hamster. FUN-FUN-FUN!

  Dear Reader,

  SURPRISE-SURPRISE-SURPRISE! Humphrey is back!

  Since Humphrey loves adventures out of his cage so much, I thought it was high time he had his own hamster ball. That was a nice surprise for me to give him. But as I imagined him rolling across A.J.’s yard, I wondered what would happen if he rolled right up to a cat. That was a not-nice surprise for me to give him…but it was a lot of fun to write!

  When readers ask me what happens to Humphrey in Surprises According to Humphrey, I tell them, “Well…he’s very worried he might be abducted by aliens from another planet!” From the funny looks I get, I guess fans just can’t figure out how that could be possible. I couldn’t either, at first, but the dream about the alien carrots was one of the most fun sections of a Humphrey book I’ve ever written—at least until the next book.

  After all, if I’m going to write a book to entertain readers, I’d better entertain myself as well. And I do. Whether I’m writing about rolling along in the hamster ball or dashing down to the Suggestion Box, I’m having at least as good a time as Humphrey.

  But there are serious worries for Humphrey, too, as always. How can he help Garth and A.J. repair their friendship? How can he help inspire the people at Maycrest Manor? Will Mrs. Brisbane really retire? And how can one small hamster get a whole school to show appreciation for a great teacher?

  Then there’s the fire drill. No one really likes fire drills, except for the fact that they get people out of the classroom for a while. I don’t think we take them very seriously. But knowing what to do in case of fire is as important for kids as it is for adults. I know, because my grandfather was a fireman with Engine Company 29. He saved many people’s lives in days when firefighters didn’t have the safety equipment that they have now. Grandpa’s first name was Herman. We also have a fireman in the family now—my niece’s husband. His first name is Jeff. So now you know how the firefighter Jeff Herman of Engine Company 29 came to be!

  When my sister and I were little, it bothered Grandpa that we were a little too interested in matches. In those days, there were more matches around. You needed them in the kitchen to light the oven, and people smoked more, too. So one day, he sat us down at the kitchen table with matches and stood by watchfully as he made us light match after match after match until we were just plain sick of it! It worked, I guess, because I never played with matches after that.

  Now, how to weave all these different threads—fire drills, hamster balls, aliens, and a cat—together into one story that somehow makes sense?

  Like Humphrey, I usually start out with a Plan. But as in life, surprises pop up as I write.

  It’s funny to think that this is actually my job. How lucky can I be? And I consider myself especially lucky to be a F.O.H. (Friend of Humphrey).

  I hope that you’re a F.O.H., too!

  From one friend to another,

  Betty G. Birney

  P.S. PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE take the Fire Safety Quiz and learn as much about the subject as you can!

  Humphrey’s Baffling Brain Benders

  Mrs. Brisbane came up with some tricky questions for Wacky Wednesday. Here are some more:

  1. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

  2. How many months have twenty-five days in them?

  3. There’s a fire in a ten-story building. A man panics and jumps out of the window. How does he survive?

  4. What can be opened but can’t be closed?

  5. What does this expression say: AROCKcaughtAHARDPLACE

  6. What’s coming but never arrives?

  7. How can you use the letters in NEW DOOR to make one word?

  8. What two things do you never eat for breakfast?

  9. I appear once in a year and twice in a decade. What am I?

  10. What has legs but can’t move?

  11. Three people try to crowd under one small umbrella, but nobody gets wet. How can that be?

  12. Mary’s father had four children. Three are named Nana, Nene, and Nini. So what is the fourth child’s name?

  Turn to page 149 for the answer key!

  Dizzy Definitions

  Humphrey made up his own definitions for his dictionary. Here are some more:

  Bandstand: What t
he band must do when someone takes away the chairs

  Cheap: A sound made by an inexpensive bird

  Coffee: Snow White’s eighth dwarf, cousin to Sneezy

  Cookout: A chef on strike

  Fodder: He is married to Mudder

  Gripe: A ripe grape

  Humdinger: A person who hums while ringing a bell

  Lipstick: Glue for holding the mouth shut

  Mood: The past tense of moo

  Paradise: Two little white cubes with black dots

  Peekaboo: The act of spying on a ghost

  Pup tent: A doghouse made out of cloth

  Soda pop: A fizzing father

  Stupendous: Advanced stupidity

  Traffic jam: A substance for spreading on streets at five o’clock

  Tulips: The standard number of lips assigned to each person

  Wigwam: What a wig becomes after it’s been in the oven

  Wing: Something worn on a wittle baby’s finger

  Zebra: A horse that could only afford half a coat of paint

  Zinc: What will happen to you if you don’t know how to zwim

  Visitors from Outer Space

  Circle the words from below that are hidden on the grid.

  Turn to page 150 for the answer key!

  Humphrey Meets the Aliens

  Unscramble each of the clue words. All words refer to characters or situations in the book. Copy the letters above numbered lines to other numbered lines with the same number. The answer will tell you what Humphrey says to the aliens.

  Turn to page 151 for the answer key!

  Wacky Words

  A PALINDROME is a word or phrase that’s spelled the same way backward and forward. So any way you spin your wheel, you can read it!

  Here’s a famous one. What did Adam say when he first met Eve?