"If you want to take this shit outside Sully, let’s do it. I guarantee there won’t be cheap shots a second time. I'll knock your fucking lights out."
He walks slowly to me eyeing me up and down. "I don’t need to hit you again, I made my point. Watch your mouth and your accusations in my shop and with my staff."
Before I can respond Noah comes in the room after hearing the yelling. "What the fuck is going on in here? I let you and Deja do your thing because I get it, but now you three decide to have some fuckin lovers quarrel in MY shop?" He eyes Sully as he says it, and though they are fifty/fifty partners, Noah still has the upper hand because he paid for this studio to be what it is. Every penny that he deposited into this shop to make it a bad ass ink haven. His fame alone builds the clientele, so yeah, he had every right.
This lovers quarrel shit was a hoax though.
"Well maybe tell your two BFF's to stop fucking with my head then!" I yell and Noah charges me. I move to the door prepared to fight them all preparing for a hit that never came.
"Forget them and come talk to me so you can chill the fuck out. This place is for business." He turns from addressing me and looks to Sully and Jenny. "Not fucking high school cattiness. Fucking feel me?" He yells forcing a flinch from Jen. Sam waves his hand at him and saunters from the room not bothered by Noah’s demands.
Jen went to follow him, stopping in front of me and Noah. "He was telling me about Kace and he looked so broken, I wanted to comfort him." She looks at me then as Noah nods in understanding. "That is what you walked in on." She tries to pass me but I block the door with my arm, resting it on the frame.
"Cal, enough!" Noah warns, but he is calm and fully aware I have lost my mind as I taunt her.
"Yeah go chase after him and baby him. Give that love to everyone but the one who wants it." I lick my lips, blow her a kiss before I was shoved from the room by Noah.
"I chased after you the last time I recall." She says to my back and I stop, Noah between us now.
"Oh wanna’ talk about that night? Let’s do. Lay your bullshit bare for your buddy here."
"Get the fuck outside both of you." Noah says through grit teeth, but we ignore him staring one another down. "Now!" He roars and starts pushing me toward the back door that leads to the overhead parking area and roof.
Once outside I shrug his hands off me and roar into the dreary gloomy sky. "Calm, the fuck, down Cal."
Jen walks out the door and I start in at her immediately. "Why him Jen? Why fucking let him be the one you toy with me on? You know God damn well what he allowed when Tayla fucked with my head." I shake my head as she tries to come to me, to rationalize herself, but Noah stops her.
"Give him room right now Jen, for real."
"I know we have a fucked-up pile of bullshit between us right now, but never, fucking never would have thought you would do shit just to spite me." I don’t know who Casey was or if it was some ruse to break me so I would beg her... but there isn’t an excuse to this shit. Not where Sam is involved. He and Tayla caused that rift, not me.
"Bro, Kace is Sam’s daughter who is dead." Noah says in his blunt, no bullshit way. "She was two."
My hands go to my face and I try to scrub my psycho mistake away, to no avail. So, I do what it seems I always do and just start screaming fuck.
Repeatedly.
By the time I stop roaring like a fucking lunatic... fuck I try to apologize in some way.
"I didn’t know her name or her age. I knew he and his ex-wife lost their kid and it was bad enough. He doesn’t talk about it and I am not the type to pick at scabs. I didn’t know."
I want him to understand that, and I will apologize to Sam to. As if summoned on my personal oath Sully comes down the steps from the roof after having his smoke. "That’s why she hugged me man. I don’t talk about her, it’s too raw and its unresolved. She was abducted and murdered, or presumed murdered because we never recovered her body or know who took her."
Jen takes a tentative step toward me. "He and Deja were fighting in the studio and I had come early to talk to him for lunch before we did technique study on new fads. I am trying to build more clientele so I can leave Skin."
The idea of her never stepping foot in that place again makes me insanely happy.
"Sam, I over-reacted..." I want to find the words but my head is buzzing.
"I get it man. I want to go on record here that all that shit with Tayla, I was doing her a favor and didn’t know what was up with you guys or your past. Once I came to the Sue for that gig you set up for her favorite song... man I told her what she was doing was wrong and it stopped there. I get it though and I never would have done it if I knew that you would never trust me or get to know me."
I nod and look at him, take the few steps with my hand out to shake his. "Not like we ever confronted it either. It's cool and honestly, I deserved that hit man. I didn’t know what I walked in on and I was immediately defensive."
"All's cool man." He says as he shakes my hand.
"Jen, I’m gonna’ reschedule the training today." He flips his smoke and looks at us. "I'll give you guys a minute to sort this shit out, because whatever it is, it’s killing you my man. Your acting crazy." Sam addresses me but looks at Jen with the same concern.
"He's right, this shit is getting out of hand Cal." Noah says as Sam heads back inside the shop.
"I know it!" I laugh uncomfortably. "I am certifiable these days."
"So, I guess it’s my fault you can’t see past your ego?" Jen says, hand on her hip and stares me down.
"Oh, this isn’t my ego you shit!" I yell and walk toward her, Noah not stopping me. "This is me trying to figure out why I give a rat’s ass anymore."
"Well don’t then, move on. I am trying to be a good mom and build a career and yes, date!"
"Move on? Red if I could I would have. I have been on my knees crawling to find my fucking dignity that was ripped from me by first Tayla and now you!" I scrub my face and look to Noah. "I have fallen so fucking low, I need to roll my socks down to take a fucking piss."
"Then maybe stop comparing me to Tayla and actually see me!" She yells and, I swear to God, I feel steam come from my ears.
"Listen to me very fucking closely here Jenny, very fucking close." I seethe and elbow Noah who now sees exactly how mad I am and tries again to intervene. I outweigh him by a good eighty pounds he knows. I will snap and drop him.
"I have no desire to speak with Tayla Livingston, to see her snide face or think of what could have been had I still been under that spell. I have accepted it and let it go. I kept my focus on Axe and work. When I did start to see you is when I fucked you, all night and poured my heart out. Whatever the fuck you took from my raw truth is your perception and I cannot help you there. I made my intentions clear then and I did last week at your apartment. You made it clear that we will never happen. I haven’t reached out to you. I haven’t asked for you to listen to me and I won’t ask you to pick me ever again, it all lies on you."
"Come on man..." Noah says, no fight in his words and I know him, too fucking well and in this I do think he is on my side. I am not wrong in this. I fought for her and Tay both left me needing to be saved. The only option is fangirls and music, because there is nothing left.
"Then, if you don’t want me why insult Sully and I? Because Tay hurt you and used Sully in it!” She answers for me thinking she has the right. “You still fucking care!" She yells to my retreating back. I ignore her, but Noah doesn’t.
"Enough, Jen!" He yells and I turn surprised by his yelling. Jen steps back, now sitting in that uncomfortable way we all have when you cross one of his few boundaries and set him off.
I almost felt bad for her… almost.
"You weren’t there Jen. You didn’t see how far he went to prove himself to her. How hard he fought for me to remain a member of TAT or how it is what started the downfall for them. You didn’t see him smashing the hell out of every memory they made, shattering every frame and
tearing up every picture. You didn’t see him shatter every bottle of Moscato as he cursed her. You didn’t see him on Thanksgiving, not once I got there. It was devastating. Now you try to pretend that this is on Tayla? Congratu-fucking-lations Jen, because you found the one place she isn’t guilty and it starts and ends with there never being a shot in hell he would take her back."
He places his arms on her shoulders and forces him to look at her. "Your denial is what is making him crazy-possessive and jealous-angry. It is all games you are playing and it will backfire if you don’t fucking stop. You! You are the one that sits and blames him for why you can’t have him, but it all is you. You’re the fucking pussy."
She flinches from his words, but she stands firm and straightens her shoulders before addressing him. "When we had this same talk when you fought for Bright, remember that I spoke to you with ease and comfort. I knew your reasons why you couldn’t put your heart out there, and you know mine" She looks at him pointedly and I watch him close his eyes against the image she painted.
Color me curious? What the fuck does he know and I don’t?
"I didn’t call you a pussy, I told you to do whatever it took to be happy. You told me you wanted no part of this and that you wouldn’t get involved, yet you just jumped right in the middle of this shitstorm and have the audacity to call me a pussy...?" She shakes her head and pulls her keys from her pockets. "Fuck you right back. Both of you."
Neither of us said anything as she left, nothing to say. He obviously knew Jens secrets and she obviously knew before we all did that he struggled much harder than we knew when coming to terms with Bright.
What started about Jen and I and the tension between us, ended in a very sad come to Jesus moment with him and Jen.
"Look, I wanted nothing to do with this thing between you guys. I made it clear that you both are equals to me and I couldn’t be her go to guy in this. But I was left with no choice on this."
He looks at me and I know he is feeling like shit. "I also know a thing or two about why she is running scared from you." I go to ask what but he puts his hand up and shakes his head no. "Not my place and you know it."
"What I meant by saying that I got involved, was because she is basically lying, pulling any card to stop from saying the truth and I am over it. What I will tell you is what she thinks doesn’t matter. It matters...greatly."
I scrub my face for the millionth time this hour and I am surprised I have a beard left with all the stressful shit. "Well, tell me because its freaking me out that there’s shit, bad shit- that I don’t know."
"I told you that Christmas after you guys split, that there was nothing strange or weird about a mother and father ending up together.,"
I nod remembering, but still arguing that I couldn’t see her without seeing everyone else she partied with too.
That shit still makes me postal.
"Well, she has been in love with you for the better part of a decade if not longer. Pre-dates everything you thought and will strip you to nothing when you look back on those same memories that fuck with your head... ten times worse when you remember them with the knowledge she only wanted you."
He says nothing else and I let it drop because he has no clue that I bear the burden and have suspected it for a while. He has no idea that he only confirmed what I feared.
"Look I need to go damage control with her." He looks at me questioningly. "Were you here to get tatted?"
"No man. I wanted to get with you and the guys for a little business meeting on something, but I need to talk to everyone about it."
"Okay cool. What time and where?" He says as we walk towards the parking lot where my Jeep is and his... new car?
"Holy fuck, tell me you bought that and I can drive it sometime in the near future?" I say as I take in the 1968 Cuda Hemi sitting sideways in three spots in the lot, effectively ensuring nothing could touch it.
"Yeah, I got it earlier from a restoration lot I found a few months back. Couldn’t pass it by." He says, and talks about it and all the bells and whistles with a devotion usually reserved for the passion of career, family and love.
For Noah, it was all those things and muscle cars.
I whistle low and walk around it, taking in the sheer power and beauty of this beast. "Very fuckin nice."
He gets in to rev the engine a few times and, hand to God, I got hard. "Bright know yet?"
He laughs and shrugs. "Dude I just bought her a house, I can have another car."
I laugh and it reminds me that I have yet to see the new digs. "I need to come check it out. Maybe we meet there tonight around seven or so?"
We agree and I watch, depressed as hell as he tears from the lot in such a beautiful prize. I am predictable in life and have driven a Jeep, bad ass fully loaded and customized with the lift and tires, lamps... but it has always been a Jeep, since I was sixteen and my parents bought me a wrangler from a guy at my dad's work.
I own one car, still live in the first house I bought when we made it big. Maybe change is what I need to get my head straight. I have thought a lot over the last year on moving and selling my house. Too many memories of a different life in that house. Until Jenny that one time, I only ever took one woman to bed there.
I brush the reminder of loneliness from my mind and try to focus on the few songs and artists I found to help me hone in on what the plan of attack is for this collaboration. I am not a hip hop or R&B fan. I cannot stand country, but I respect all music and can enjoy it from time to time if it is done right.
I listen to Broken by Everlast, so not compatible to my voice, but you can feel the hard edge of Rock as it blends with that hip hop vibe. Something is still off though and I can’t put my finger on it. Then it hits me, I know who loves that hip hop, pop and rap shit is Bright and Raleigh.
Suddenly I feel more relaxed when I know that I can explain to them all what I want to do to blend her soul to my edge, but like clockwork I feel the anxiety come on tenfold as I ask myself if this is the right thing. Attempting to do something I know nothing about.
I truly am a creature of habit and predictable as fuck.
I make the split decision as I pass a dealership, flip a bitch and change my patterns and maybe the course of my fate then and there.
Chapter Six
Jen
I am listening to Godsmack, 'I stand alone' as I smoke on my patio, pissed off at the best friend I love. I know as does he, that we will get over this. I also know, as does he that what he told me was the truth.
My being upset has everything to do with my failure to take a risk and tell Cal about the rape that led his son to him in my moment of weakness. I have tried so hard for him to see me as the strong Jenny, not the one he knew that was weak and scared with no confidence.
I risk his faith and trust in me with Axe and that I provide stability in our parenting. I risk losing his respect and any chance that he could ever want me again.
Terrified he will hate me.
I know why Noah came down on me, I deserved it because I was lying in an attempt to protect myself. I just never had him talk to me in such a painful truth kind of way.
I can’t keep my mind from fading in to too many memories and all of which are lined with the obvious truth. He never cared for me. None of them did, but I loved them and had believed I was better than a fangirl because they were my friends, since school.
I step onto the bus the minute Sevyn and Drake see me. Cal has strict instructions that I am always allowed on the bus. The minute I see him, my heart flutters and stops because he is and will always be the one thing in this world I need.
Like two magnets he makes his way to me and ignores the guys and the bus full of partiers. Says something to Tayla before reaching me and guiding me to his bus. The minute we are inside he has me pinned to the wall. "Fuck yeah, you are just what I need Jen." He says against my lips and presses his hardening cock into me.
He steps back but keeps his lips on mine as he undoes his belt and jeans.
He takes my hand in his and shoves it down his pants until I am gripping him with my palm. He lets out a moan that has me arching back against the wall. "The minute I saw you I went rock hard baby."
I shiver every time he calls me that even though I know he calls all the fangirls that. To me, it is personal.
"Want this dick?" He says and thrusts into my hand. His hands slip under my ass and lift me so I am now wrapped around him.
"Yes." I pant as he grinds my hand around his engorged cock against my pussy.
"Suck my dick baby." He says and steps back until we are both on the bed. I crawl back and take his pants and boxers with me and go down on his cock like he asked.
The minute my mouth touches him, he fists my hair and presses all the way to the back of my throat. "Mmmm fuck yeah. Gag on it." He says and I comply, I always comply. Somewhere in my mind I know he will want me because I know what he needs in bed better than anyone.
Within minutes he is thrusting, hard and deep in my mouth, filling the air with the filthy image of me on his cock. "Fuck yeah, take it, every inch. I want to see tears Jen."
There is no hiding the brutality to which he fucks my throat and what is even more pathetic is I love it. I love how he degrades me. It is all he gives me so I accept it and hope he will one day see my love.
"Oh shit, I’m gonna cum Jen." He places one hand on my head, forcing himself deep. The other he cups my throat. "Every drop baby, let me feel you swallow me.
I do, like a savage for any part of him, I take it all and only pull back when he does. I wipe under my eyes, to free some of the mascara that is now streaked down my cheeks.
He stops me though, and gives me the rarest most vulnerable piece of himself. "Don’t... I love seeing those black tears and remembering how you got them." He sits up and pulls my mouth to his and lays me over him. "So fucking beautiful." He says and starts removing my clothes.
All of my tattoos are on display, my sleeved arms against his and he places two fingers in my pussy once I am naked. I lift his shirt, wanting nothing more than to feel him chest to chest.
Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance Page 7
