by Malone, M.
It would have helped if she hadn’t decided to finally answer one of Steven’s calls while she was baking. He’d started calling a few weeks after she’d gotten married. She’d ignored him, hoping he’d go away, but he’d been calling intermittently since then.
The good news was she’d finally told him to stop calling her. The bad news was she’d been so distracted that she’d messed up the recipe. Not that she could tell Nick any of that.
Nick pulled her into his arms. “Hey, it’s not as bad as all that. I’m hardly poisoned. And I didn’t marry you for your baking skills.”
“Oh right, you married me for my DNA,” she mumbled.
“No, I married you because I adore you. I knew you didn’t feel the same way, but I didn’t care. I figured if this was the only way I could have you, it was still better than what I had before—watching and loving you from afar. “
Raina looked up at him, stunned at the tenderness in his eyes. “Oh, Nick.”
He covered her lips with his finger. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m not pressuring you to feel the same way, remember? I just want you to get used to me loving you. Because I plan on doing it for a very long time.”
Raina allowed him to pull her back into his arms and snuggled deeper into his embrace. Nick made her feel like she could tell him anything and he was always quick to defend her, even when she was criticizing herself. It was such an unexpectedly lovely feeling to have someone be her champion, but sometimes it felt like she was doing all the taking and not giving enough back.
Especially since every time he told her he loved her, it was getting harder and harder not to say it back.
* * * * *
OVER THE PAST few weeks, Nick and Raina had finally fallen into a comfortable rhythm. He rose at five a.m. so he could have an hour to work out before waking Raina briefly to give her a kiss goodbye.
She usually didn’t get up until after eight, then spent the day catching up on all the movies she hadn’t seen and books she hadn’t read.
“You know, this vacation thing is pretty nice. I wonder why I haven’t done this in so long,” Raina said to Sam one morning over eggs and toast.
Sam looked up from his protein shake. “Because you’re a workaholic, that’s why. You and Alexander have that in common.”
She’d been working nonstop since she was fifteen and had assumed that she’d be bored with so much time on her hands. She was surprised by how much she was enjoying herself. But the biggest surprise of all in the past few weeks had been Nick.
He returned home around six and changed out of his suit and tie. She’d only seen him in casual clothes a few times prior to their marriage. Even though they’d spent a fair amount of time together at Jackson and Ridley’s house, he was always coming straight from work. It was strange to see him wandering around in gym shorts with bare feet. It was like seeing him go from Superman to Clark Kent. It didn’t diminish her attraction for him at all. Rather, it felt like she was seeing a side of him that few people did.
After he’d changed clothes, he’d cook them dinner. Sometimes it was complicated and fancy like salmon-stuffed crab cakes with herbed dressing. Other days it was refreshingly simple like a tossed salad with grilled chicken.
But no matter what, they always ate together. She’d tell him about her day buying baby clothes and decorating the nursery and he’d share funny stories about his clients. They talked about everything from politics to popular music. He’d walked in on her one night jamming in her pajamas to the latest boy band and hadn’t stopped teasing her about it since.
She’d come to look forward to those conversations each night.
“Don’t you think it’s time you stopped calling him by his last name? I mean, we’re all living together now. One big happy family,” she teased.
Sam slurped up the last of his shake. “This is the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”
Suddenly self-conscious, Raina shrugged. “Well, I’ve got no reason to complain. I’m on vacation and I’m living with two sexy men. I’d say I’m doing all right.”
Sam raised an eyebrow. “Being happy isn’t a crime, Raina. You don’t have to pretend like it’s no big deal. Whether you’re ready for it or not, I think you’ve found your soul mate.”
“You know why we got married, Sam.” Raina stabbed her fork into what was left of her eggs.
“I know what you told me and I also know that you feel more for him than that. We’ve been friends too long for you to fool me. I wasn’t sure about him in the beginning, but I’ve seen the way he treats you. The way he looks at you. For what it’s worth, you’ve got my blessing.” With that, he kissed her on the forehead and went back downstairs.
Raina decided to put her earbuds in and listen to music while cleaning up the kitchen. After the embarrassing dancing incident, she was leery of playing her music out loud anymore. She was just lucky Nick hadn’t thought to videotape her.
After everything was pristine, she went upstairs and flopped down on her bed.
It was time to see what other popular culture she’d missed out on. She scrolled through the list of movies available to rent. She’d already watched a lot of them but was hoping to find something different this time. There were several horror flicks available, but she figured they might not be the best choices. She was supposed to be relaxing, after all.
Finally she gave up and clicked on an old romantic comedy she’d already seen. She laughed along with all the hijinks and sighed at all the sappy romantic spots. It was completely unrealistic but it was the perfect diversion for a lazy afternoon.
She woke a few hours later, slightly disoriented and with an urgent need to use the bathroom.
“It’s no wonder with all this water I’m drinking. I feel like all I do is take vitamins, sleep, and pee.”
Still a bit sleepy, she stumbled into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. When she looked down, she blinked twice before standing and yanking her shorts back up. She went to the sink and took a few deep breaths, trying to hold back tears. It took a few minutes of deep breathing before she felt calm enough to move.
Then she reached beneath the counter and pulled out the box of tampons sitting next to her hairdryer.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NICK PULLED INTO the driveway and grabbed his briefcase. He was running late and had little time to think of what to make for dinner. Raina had been pretty tired lately and he wondered if she was pregnant already.
Just the thought brought a smile to his face. It was hard to believe, but he was more than ready to be a father. He couldn’t wait to see Raina swell up with his child.
He opened the door and stopped when he saw Sam standing there. It was still a little weird to have another dude living with them, but he’d come to appreciate that Sam was there to look out for Raina when he couldn’t. “Hey. Everything okay?”
Sam shook his head. “No. Raina needs you.”
Nick dropped his stuff at the base of the stairs. “Oh, did she ask for me?”
“She doesn’t know how to ask for help when she needs it. That’s why I’m telling you. She needs you.”
“Okay,” Nick said. Sam seemed to be a good guy but he’d never seemed all that interested in chatting with Nick before. For him to approach him now was incredibly odd. He glanced behind Sam. “Where is she, anyway?”
Sam pointed up the stairs. “In the nursery. Ripping all the decorations down.”
“What? She spent days putting them up.” Nick turned and took the stairs two at a time. He pushed the nursery room door open and peered around the frame hesitantly.
Raina stood on a small footstool, stretching up to reach the teddy-bear appliques on the wall. She peeled one off, then balled it up and dropped it on the floor. She got down, moved the footstool a little to the right, and then repeated the process. A small pile of crumpled liners lay at her feet already.
“Raina? What are you doing, sweets?”
She paused at the sound of his voice and then ripped anot
her teddy bear down. “I’m taking all this crap down.”
Nick walked farther into the room. “Why? We’ll need it soon. Or did you decide you don’t like it anymore? We can choose another theme.”
“I got my period today, Nick. I’m not pregnant.” She yanked off another decoration. “I’m never going to be pregnant.”
His heart sank. Then he ached inside as he watched her stroke a finger over the teddy bear she was holding before she balled it up.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I know how much you were hoping this time was the charm. I was, too.”
She looked at him then, her eyes bright with tears. “I know you were. I understand if you want to get a divorce. I understand—”
Nick crossed the room and snatched her off the stool. “Don’t ever say that. Ever.”
“Nick, it’s time for us to face facts. I’m probably not going to get pregnant. It was a long shot anyway.”
“You don’t know that. This is only the third month we’ve tried. We just have to be patient. It takes time.”
She shoved away from him. “Don’t you tell me it takes time. People always say that like they have some crystal ball. It’s easy to say that when you don’t know how it feels to be disappointed over and over again. It’s easy to say that when it’s not your fault!”
She pushed away and went back to her step stool, tearing the last teddy bear down with a curse. Then she grabbed the edge of the border lining the ceiling and yanked. There was a loud, ripping sound as it detached from the wall.
“Raina, it is not your fault.”
She didn’t respond. She seemed to have forgotten he was even in the room. He watched, stunned, as she got down from the step stool and marched over to the white dresser filled with baby clothes. She yanked open the first drawer and pulled out all the neatly folded onesies. He knew it had taken her quite a while to launder and fold them all.
She picked up a big armful and dumped them on the floor at her feet.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” He repeated the words but didn’t seem to be getting through to her. Before long she was shaking as she grabbed more and more clothes. When he touched her arm, she flinched and then sat down on the ground. She wrapped her arms around her legs and didn’t move.
Nick dropped to the ground in front of her and pulled her into his lap. She clung to him and buried her face in his chest as if she didn’t want him to see her cry.
“Raina.” He couldn’t keep the pity from his voice. “Come on, sweets, let’s get you into bed.”
She shook her head frantically, her limbs trembling. The more he talked to her, the tighter she curled.
This is not working, Nick thought.
Talking wasn’t getting through to her. It was time to take some drastic action. He leaned back slightly and shucked off his suit jacket. It fell in a heap behind him.
Then he stood, carrying Raina in his arms. At the sudden movement, she squeaked and tightened her hold around his neck until she was almost strangling him.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to have to pull rank on you, sweetheart. You’re really upset and I think you need a bath and bed. So that’s where I’m taking you, whether you want it or not.” He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her forehead. “You can yell at me for this later.”
* * * * *
AFTER STRIPPING HER clothes off, Raina sat on the side of the tub, watching Nick. He moved around the bathroom with quick, decisive motions. He’d turned the water on, adjusted the temperature, and then gathered all the bath stuff he could find. He’d pulled bath salts, bubble bath, and several types of scented body gel from beneath her counter and lined them up on the edge of the tub. When he started pulling out shampoo and conditioner, she finally put up a hand to stop him.
“I don’t need all that. My hair’s dry, so I don’t have to wash it as much. I’ll just put it up.” She pointed to the counter where she’d left a hair band. Nick handed it to her and watched as she twisted her hair into a long coil and then wrapped it around itself until it formed a big bun on top of her head.
“I always like when you wear your hair up. You look like a naughty librarian,” Nick commented. Then he turned back to the line of products on the edge of the tub. “I’m not really sure what I’m doing here so help me out, love.”
She pointed at the bubble bath and the shower gel. “That’s really all I need. My loofah sponge is in the shower.”
He retrieved it and then helped her into the tub. Usually he would have made some racy comment or at least tried to cop a feel. But even though she was naked, his eyes didn’t dip below her neck. There was something different about the way he looked at her. Like he was scared of doing the wrong thing.
She thought back to her hysterics. It was no wonder he was scared to say anything. He was probably worried she was on the verge of another mental breakdown. She sighed and sank down slowly into the hot water before turning to face Nick.
“I’m really sorry about all that. I don’t know what came over me.”
Once she was sitting in the middle of the froth of bubbles, he leaned over and kissed her softly on the nose. “Let’s just relax for a while. We can talk later. What do you say?”
“Care to join me? I think I’ll relax faster if you stay.” She really hoped he would. Even though she felt calmer after her little fit, she really didn’t want to be alone. She felt like she’d spent far too much time alone lately.
Nick nodded his assent and began shucking his own clothes. Since he’d already taken his jacket off, he yanked at the knot in his tie and removed his pants and boxers. He was about to drop them on the tile when he noticed her watching him. She’d been teasing him since they got married about living with a slob. With a sheepish smile, he folded them in half and put them on the counter.
“See, you’re getting better,” she teased.
His lips tilted up as he quickly unbuttoned his shirt and folded it as well. “Apparently I can be trained.”
Raina would have responded, but her mouth went dry at the first sight of his flat stomach and well-developed pectorals. What dream was this that she was allowed to be with someone so magnificent? She got to wake up every morning with this amazing man and he came home to her every night.
When she’d started this journey, he’d simply been a gorgeous man offering her a lifeline. Now she knew without a doubt that he was more than just her savior.
He was the love of her life.
Nick climbed in the tub, facing her. They didn’t talk for a few minutes. Then they both started speaking at once.
“I just want to say…”
“I want to apologize…”
Laughing, Raina shook her head and held out her hand for Nick to speak first. Apparently Nick had other ideas, though. Without another word spoken between them, he leaned forward and kissed her until she could barely think straight.
If this is how he apologizes, he’s already forgiven.
He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. “I want to apologize for manhandling you in there. I wasn’t sure what to do.”
She pushed back a little so she could see his eyes. “I was freaking out, Nick. You did the only thing you could do besides slap me silly.”
“I’m really sorry you’re not pregnant. I know how much you want this. And I feel like a broken record saying the same things to you. I wish there was some way I could just fix it for you. All I want is for you to be happy.”
Raina blinked back tears. “I don’t know what happened. I know intellectually that it’s not going to happen overnight just because I want it. But in that moment, it just got bigger and bigger in my mind until all I could see was failure. It kind of took over my brain. I think it’s just me being afraid that it’ll never happen.”
The warmth of the water was doing its job, because she was suddenly more tired than she’d ever been. The emotion she’d expended with her meltdown had drained her. She added a little bath gel to her loofah
sponge and inhaled the soothing lavender scent. When she felt Nick’s arms circle her from behind, she pressed back onto him, enjoying the tortured groan that slipped from his lips.
They took their time in the bath, trailing damp fingertips over silken skin and enjoying the heat and scent of the fragrant water. She loved the way they fit together, like two halves of a matched set, and she felt herself relax, really relax, for the first time since she’d come back to the States. From Ridley’s being shot, to her new diagnosis, to marrying Nick, it felt like she hadn’t stopped worrying in a long time.
When her skin started to pucker, they got out. Nick toweled her off gently with a plush, oversized bath towel. Raina slipped into one of Nick’s T-shirts and Nick dragged on a pair of shorts before gathering Raina in his arms and cuddling with her under the covers.
She rolled over to look at him, then raised her hand to trace the angle of his strong jaw, the slightly uneven line of his nose, and the curve of his sensual lips. He was the epitome of masculine beauty to her. Not just because of his good looks but because of all the things others couldn’t see. The things she couldn’t touch.
His generosity, his spirit, and his unfailing determination to make her happy.
It dawned on her then that this was love. Love was the man who took care of her when she needed him to. The man who made sure she ate well, listened to her babble on about her show even though he probably had no idea what she was talking about, and who was disappointed right along with her when she was sad.
Love was the man who’d literally carry you when you were down.
* * * * *
NICK HELD HIMSELF perfectly still as Raina touched him. Her beautiful brown eyes followed the path of her finger as if memorizing the lines of his face. As many times as they’d made love and as intimate as they’d been, nothing had made him feel as self-conscious. He’d never been the focus of her attention so completely before.
