Don't You Want Me

by Liam Livings

  Chewing thoughtfully, Tony’s mind flashed back to the hotel room fun he’d had. “My colleague, Nick.”

  “Get on well, did you?”

  “Professionally and personally.” He debated whether to tell them the embarrassing sex story, but not because they’d not want to hear it—they’d heard the ins and outs of Tony’s ins and outs since he first started having sex with men—but because he couldn’t bear to relive the mortification again. So he just said, “’Course, I shagged him, didn’t I.” Shrugging, he paused, waiting for his parents’ response.

  “Thought you were having a break from all that,” Dad said.

  Nodding in futile acceptance of his failure, Tony said, “I was. It’s nothing. Doesn’t mean anything.” He hoped…or did he?

  “Awkward at work?” Mum asked, gesturing for someone to pass her the homemade organic tomato ketchup.

  Tony handed it over. “Only if we let it.” And if I talk about it, was the main meaning of that statement.

  A while later, clearing away the plates, Tony said, “I’m going to have an early night. We’re doing a presentation tomorrow at the team huddle, and I’m knackered.”

  Kissing her son’s forehead, Mum said, “Look after yourself, love,” and she waved him off as he left the room.

  ***

  Their joint presentation to the team huddle went very well. They shared the main points, talking through slides in turn, and ended with Nick giving his first impressions of the conference and what he’d enjoyed most.

  Unbidden, they received a round of applause. Nick blushed at this, and Tony later told him it was the first time anyone had received applause in a team huddle—the usual form being for people to fall asleep or end a presentation on a whimper.

  They continued their work throughout the rest of the day, separately for the most part. Nick had a few meetings with clients, which he said he was happy to do alone without Tony’s supervision, and Tony seemed occupied with writing something.

  Returning to his desk after a positive meeting, Nick asked, “What’s that you’re doing?”

  “Care plan for an elderly client’s domiciliary care. Report on mental capacity and family support. I’ve been writing it since I turned thirty.” Tony smirked and returned to his screen, frowning.

  Taking that as a signal to leave him alone, Nick resumed his work quietly and thus continued the rest of the afternoon.

  At the end of the working day, Tony turned off his computer, stood and nodded goodbye to the others.

  Nick had wanted to take him out for a drink, to find out what Tony was doing that weekend, but he didn’t want to have that conversation in the open-plan office in case it raised suspicions. “I’ll walk out with you—I need to ask you something.”

  Raising an eyebrow, Tony smiled then walked out, followed by Nick.

  As they reached the car park, Nick said, “I’ve probably said it before, but thanks—for taking me to the conference, for mentoring me—for everything.” He wanted to say ‘for the sex, the kisses and the fun’ but couldn’t because then it was something that existed outside of that hotel room, which would give it a new meaning. A meaning Nick wasn’t sure of. Yet.

  Smiling and unlocking his car, Tony said, “OK. So…see you Monday,” and opened the door.

  Nick wanted to…what did he want to do? Did he want to kiss Tony? Nope. Too obvious. Too smoochy. Did he want to tell him not to worry about the sex thing? No. Too embarrassing for both of them. Did he want to see Tony before Monday? Yeah. That was it. After spending all that time getting to know each other outside of work, Nick felt like he had another friend. Not just a colleague he was friendly with. A proper friend.

  Tony had shut the door and started the engine, but he lowered the window.

  “Yeah, Monday,” Nick said. “Plans for the weekend? I’m sure you’ve got loads. I mean, I have.” He hadn’t. Nothing at all. “I’ve got a thing Saturday daytime, then another thing that night. And Sunday, there’s this friend who’s doing a thing, so I suppose I’ll have to go to that.”

  Tony smiled weakly, obviously impatient to get home. “Have fun.” Reaching his hand out, he held it for Nick to shake.

  Not knowing what else to do, Nick shook Tony’s hand, then returned to the grey squat concrete building in Salisbury’s city centre to avoid going home for a while longer.

  A weekend full of ‘things’. What an idiot!

  ***

  Later that night, Tony had Kieran visiting from London for the weekend, and after dinner, they went to the local gay pub, the Duke, in Salisbury.

  “I’m surprised he’s not here, actually,” Tony said, looking around anxiously. “He lives nearby. We’ve come here a few times, when the Wetherspoons in town gets a bit too…towny. You know?” Tony shrugged.

  Kieran simply raised his eyebrows in an indication for Tony to continue talking.

  After a while, during which Tony rambled about the week with Nick and the awkward goodbye, Kieran interrupted, “So, are you two seeing each other now?”

  Tony shook his head. “Absolutely not.”

  “Dating?”

  Frowning and pushing his gin and tonic away in mock disgust, Tony said with a shudder, “No way!”

  “Why not? He’s all you’ve talked about all week and all night. Forgive me for assuming you’re more than friends.” Kieran sighed and sipped his vodka and tonic.

  “If I smoked still, this is when I’d have lit a cigarette. In fact, if I’m going full-fantasy memory lane, how about I imagine we can smoke inside. In here. And we’re both eighteen?”

  “You’re working for TK Maxx, and I’m working at that hospital as a care assistant?”

  Tony nodded. “And there’s something by Steps in the charts.” Squinting, Tony tried to imagine all those things, like the first time around. “Adulting is hard, isn’t it?”

  Kieran nodded. “Look at David.”

  David was another of their university friends, who had recently gone through a nasty divorce from a selfish actor husband.

  “Enough of me.” Tony brushed his hair from his eye. He toned down the necklaces and frilly outfits for work—not because he’d been asked to, but he found it worked better with most clients. He was still very much himself but more conservatively dressed. One necklace, one pair of earrings and one or two rings was what he stuck to in the week. But now, off duty, he was back to full-on Tony the new romantic and The Human League fan, clinging onto the eighties for dear life.

  “What about you and David?” he asked. “Are you two seeing each other?”

  “Complicated,” Kieran said wistfully, looking out of the window.

  “How come?”

  “Unlike you and Nick, me and David dated before. And after being friends for twenty years, it’s funny trying to get back to it. Lots of other dating water under the bridge.”

  “But you’re getting there?” Tony was conscious of how his friend was similarly marooned in the middle of a relationship conundrum.

  “Eventually. Hopefully.” Kieran paused then went on, “You and Nick don’t have all that relationship history to mess things up. You two can get on and be together if you want.”

  Shaking his head, Tony said, “I really don’t want another boyfriend. Remember what we talked about that weekend of your birthday?”

  “So don’t have one, then.”

  “But I like him. As a friend. Really like him.” And Nick had made him come without hardly touching him, so there was that to consider too.

  “He’s single, though, isn’t he?”

  “Recently out of a long-term relationship. He was practically married to this guy. Owned a house together. Little village out towards Andover. The ex spent all Nick’s money. There’s more to it than that, but he hasn’t told me. Now he’s living in a house share again. Putting his life back together. No. He doesn’t want a boyfriend. Said, when I first met him, he wanted some fun. To see what it was like being single again.” Turning to face Kieran, Tony said, “Me too. I m
ean, that’s exactly what I want.”

  “OK.” Kieran smirked.

  “I’m not falling for someone who doesn’t fall for me. Not again. Not so quickly. He doesn’t like me in that way. Definitely not.”

  “But he did have sex with you.”

  “Twice. Almost.” Tony regretted the second word instantly.

  “Almost?” Kieran leant forward on the dark wooden table. “Tell. You texted it hadn’t gone well, but how can you almost have sex with someone?”

  “I may die of embarrassment.”

  “It can’t be any worse than what you’ve done before, surely?” Kieran caught the barman as he walked past collecting empties off tables and asked if he didn’t mind getting them another round, please. The barman winked and left them in silence while Tony prepared to tell Kieran about having sex with Nick the second time.

  He wasn’t sure why he felt so embarrassed; he’d told Kieran stuff like this before, dozens of times, but somehow this time, it wasn’t some random guy he’d picked up and who’d fucked him in a club toilet or who he’d blown around the bins behind a restaurant. This had been Nick, who he’d been having mind-blowing sex with after a great evening of friendship. That he’d managed to mess up by…well, it was clear why Tony had messed it all up and would inevitably continue to mess it all up with Nick.

  Having found the courage to tell Kieran what had happened in as much detail as he could manage, Tony noticed his glass was empty again. “Guess we’re getting a taxi home?”

  “Let’s live dangerously. My treat.” Kieran raised an eyebrow. “So Nick was so sexy that you shot your load before he’d...”

  “Started?”

  Kieran nodded. “I’d be chuffed. I mean, if it happens next time, then maybe you’ve got a problem. But once, it shows how turned on Nick makes you.”

  Like, hair-trigger, premature-ejaculating eighteen-year-old turned on. Tony chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment.

  Kieran leaned forwards on the table. “Whatever. Bet he was OK about it.”

  “Totally not arsed. Although I thought I should finish him off, but by then…well, the moment had kinda passed.” Super awkward.

  “It seems to me that you’re still kind of focusing on whether you and Nick can or can’t be boyfriends, rather than all the other stuff that means you’ll probably end up becoming boyfriends anyway—friendship, sex, spending time together.”

  This had occurred to Tony too. “That’s because I really, really don’t want another boyfriend. Any boyfriend. Especially not Nick. Definitely not Nick.”

  “Then I suggest,” Kieran said, nodding to Tony as he stood at the bar waiting for another drink, “that you stop being friends with him.”

  That wasn’t what Tony wanted at all. He enjoyed being friends with Nick. In fact, now he was feeling a bit drunk and slightly horny, he enjoyed the sex with Nick too. It was the combination of the two with other factors that Tony couldn’t quite express which felt like it was veering dangerously towards boyfriend territory. Again.

  Returning to the table with more drinks, he asked, “How’s David’s divorce going?”

  “It’s going, is all I can say. He’s fine,” Kieran replied noncommittally before continuing with more detail about how he was really enjoying being friends—and more than friends—with David and how it hadn’t felt that good with another man in a long time.

  Chapter 5

  Nick hardly spoke to Tony for the first few days of the next week. His mentor seemed to be in meetings for most of the day and when back at his desk disinclined to chat, always staring in concentration at his screen and stabbing the keys angrily. He must be snowed under with work, Nick decided.

  Nick had been invited to a house-warming party of an old colleague, someone he’d trained with who’d recently moved down south from Yorkshire, and the thought of going alone meant he was unlikely to attend. He wanted to ask Tony to come with him, only he wasn’t sure how to phrase it without giving the impression he was asking Tony on a date.

  Lunchtime on Thursday, having only passed small talk between them for a day or so that week, Nick stood, holding his mug, about to make a round of tea and coffee for his corner of the office. Relieved he’d got away with this round relatively lightly, he asked Tony, who was staring at a thick paper document, scribbling in the margin and highlighting passages in yellow, “Tea, coffee?”

  Tony didn’t look up, so Nick repeated himself, placing a mug next to the keyboard.

  Tony glanced his way, dark circles under his tired eyes. “I’ll come with. Meant to have a walk at lunchtime. Didn’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “No lunch break. Meetings. And now this.” He held the A4 pages aloft, flicking through them to emphasise the length of the document. “Great bedtime reading. Helps you sleep brilliantly.”

  As they walked to the kitchen, Nick asked what it was, and Tony explained it was the report and recommendations from a recent child protection investigation that had been national news. “I’ve got to work out how we’re going to respond to it.” He started to say something more, then stopped.

  “Go on?” Nick said, making the drinks.

  Shaking his head. “I’ve had enough. Tell me about your week. Sorry I’ve not been able to spend much time with you. I’ve been snowed under.”

  Nick smiled weakly. He really wanted to hug Tony—to take away the stress he was feeling, to tell him all would be OK and that Nick would take him out for a drink to let off steam.

  Since the conference, Nick had found it hard to suggest things like that in case it was misunderstood. So he’d found it easier to avoid these conversations altogether. Like now.

  “I’m fine. Working things out.”

  “Good,” Tony said, picking up his mug and taking a sip while staring at Nick.

  Concentrating on finishing making the hot drinks, Nick said, “So, totes non-work-related, but I wondered if you’re free on Saturday night. I have a thing. House-warming. Friend from my course. Laura. She was up north, and now she’s down south. Moved for a better job. Anyway. I really don’t want to go alone. I hate going to those sorts of things alone. You know, walking into the house with a sea of faces you don’t know and everyone’s already talking? You probably hate house parties too. I mean, I hate them. Despise them. I’ll probably be gone within an hour. But I said I’d show my face. Friend, you see? So, would you? For an hour or so. Doesn’t matter if not. I understand.” Nick looked at the ground, realising he needed to clean and polish his work shoes. “I’m not selling it to you, I know.”

  “Sounds fun,” Tony said, flicking his hair from his eyes where it momentarily remained until he leant forward and it fell across half of his face as it usually did. “I like a house party, actually. All my best New Year’s Eves—house parties. Remind me to tell you about one later. Next time. You know, when we’re out of work.” He looked at the kitchen’s four walls. “I think I’m getting sick building syndrome. I need to let my hair down.” Frowning, Tony whispered, “Have I told you about Su Sullied?”

  “An old work wife?” Nick asked, raising an eyebrow. He’d definitely never heard of her before.

  Tapping the side of his nose, Tony laughed. “I’ll tell you on Saturday night. But no mention of her here, OK?” And he left the room, laughing to himself quietly but rather manically.

  Maybe this Su Sullied was an ex-employee with a gossipy story to be told. Nick’s week was suddenly looking up, he decided, as he returned to the office with a tray of drinks for his colleagues.

  ***

  Tony had discussed with Kieran at length the benefits and disadvantages of turning up to Nick’s house in drag without even telling him that he performed some evenings as Su Sullied.

  “Do you actually want him to run away?” Kieran had said later that week.

  “I don’t care. He’s not my boyfriend. I. Don’t. Care.”

  “So tell him.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “So don’t tell him.” Kier
an sounded exasperated at the end of the phone, no doubt trying to get on with something urgent and probably involving rubber gloves at his hospital ward in London.

  “I will tell him,” Tony finally said, “but I won’t turn up as Su Sullied. I think that’s probably a good compromise. I don’t want to scare him off. She’s important to me. She’s my own interpretation of part of The Human League.”

  “No, you wouldn’t want to do that, would you? Scare him off.” Kieran sighed, indicating he was much busier than Tony, who was standing by his sink wondering if the pile of washing up would do itself.

  Right on cue, his mum shouted from the living room, “Do the washing up!”

  “All I want,” Tony said to Kieran on the phone, “is a room somewhere. I don’t need to do what other people are asking me to do. My own place.”

  “Move in with me,” Kieran offered—without thinking, Tony decided.

  “Little flat in London, dirty, crowded, no garden, no parking…”

  “Nope.”

  Returning to the original point for calling Kieran, Tony said, “He’s not one of those masc-for-masc gays. Can’t be. I mean, look at me. But drag…I don’t know. It can divide us, you know.”

  “As you said, you’re not dating him, so it’s less important. Friends come and go. Well, boyfriends do too, but you know what I mean.”

  “If he’s disgusted when I tell him, I’ll move the fuck on. I’ve had enough of flogging dead horses of people who I should have cut out of my life long ago. No time for that.” He would be sad if that happened. If Nick screwed up his face when Tony told him about performing, he would inevitably be hurt but nothing he couldn’t handle. Besides, it wasn’t like they were anything to each other, was it?

  “Fancy dress?” Kieran asked.

  “What?”

  “The house party.”

  “He’s not said, which I assume means no. I mean, I’ll dress like usual. And he’s seen me doing that. I keep all my jewellery, flounciest shirts and a swipe of make-up for weekends. Easier at work that way.”

  “Have fun. Enjoy. Don’t overthink. Oh!” Kieran paused, then said, “What will you do if he kisses you? At the party?”