Don't You Want Me

by Liam Livings

  Searching through Tony’s writing about the mentoring approach, he’d turned to the back pages and seen a pros and cons list about ‘N’, which he assumed—perhaps arrogantly—was himself.

  Not only did it prove that Tony was thinking about their relationship, it also proved what he felt about Nick, and not all of that was good. Which was why part of him—the sensible, rational part—said to walk home and never go beyond friendship again with Tony.

  But as usual, that part of him lost, and instead, Nick took Tony’s hand, now safely out of sight of the office, and kissed him. Pressing himself against Tony, enjoying the sensation of knowing how much Tony wanted him, of how much he wanted Tony, he wondered where they could go to sate that desire as quickly as possible.

  They made it inside Nick’s car before kissing, mouths open, tongues exploring, licking each other’s faces, grabbing at each other’s clothes, scrabbling to unzip their flies until in a few short jerky movements on each other’s cocks, which had been straining for a while, they were both coming.

  Sitting back as he caught his breath, Nick admired their handiwork—a sticky mess on both their trousers and sleeves. Reaching into the glove compartment, he handed Tony a pack of tissues, and they did their best to clean themselves.

  Now dressed but slightly soiled, Nick wasn’t quite sure what to say or do after the build-up of working late together and then this release.

  “Suppose I’d better get back to my car,” Tony said.

  Should he say anything about the list he’d seen at the back of Tony’s notebook? It wasn’t as if they were anything to each other, was it?

  Thoughts forming in his mind, Nick said, “Do you want to come back to mine? Or will your parents worry?” Giving a get-out clause felt like a nicely noncommittal way of offering to spend the night together.

  “They’re not bothered. If I brought home Ryan Reynolds in full Dead Pool outfit and took him up to my bedroom, they probably wouldn’t bat an eye. Not until he’d gone, and then they’d want all the details.”

  “All the details?”

  “All. The. Details.” Tony shook his head. “Sometimes parents can be too open and supportive, you know?”

  “Mum wants to know if they’re rich, and if they have addiction issues. That’s literally all she’s interested in when it comes to my boyfriends now.” Nick shook his head.

  “It’s late. I should really get home.” Tony reached for the door handle.

  “Up to you. But I’ve had a new power shower installed, so you could clean up without suspicious glances from parents.” Nick briefly glanced at the stain on his lap.

  ***

  That did sound appealing to Tony, and it had all been so casual and ‘whatever/if you want’ from Nick, so that was probably what clinched it when he finally nodded and said, “OK.”

  Once back at Nick’s place, they went straight to the bathroom and undressed. Nick got into the shower first, beckoning for Tony to follow him. It didn’t take long before he too jumped under the warm stream of water.

  Tony stood facing Nick as he massaged shower gel into him; simply the sight of the wet, dark hairs all over Nick’s body made Tony hard again.

  Smiling, Nick grabbed Tony’s erection and pulled him close so it brushed against Nick’s hairy stomach, causing a delicious throb of want and need to course through Tony.

  Nick pulled their erections together and began stroking up and down, sword-fighting with them as they rubbed against each other, while Tony tried to steady himself by holding onto the wall. This was much more fun than in the car.

  Moving closer and standing on tiptoes so Nick’s cock head rested underneath Tony’s balls, he felt Nick’s delicious, sexy stiffness pushing against the smooth skin behind his balls and forward from his hole.

  They stood like that for a few moments, with Nick pressing forward, and then he kissed Tony, the hot water spraying into Tony’s eyes. Nick kissed those too.

  “Lift me up,” Tony said, raising one leg in an indication of wanting to wrap them both around Nick’s waist.

  “Geri Halliwell?” Nick said, deadpan.

  Frowning, Tony said, “Eh?”

  “Mi Chico Latino—Lift Me Up. Geri’s first post Spice Girls album. Cheesy.”

  And Tony, sadly, found his erection somewhat dissipating, the moment lost to pop trivia.

  “I could…lift you up,” Nick said, putting his hands beneath Tony’s thighs, “but equally, you’re about my weight and I’m hardly He-Man, and we might both fall over and really fuck up our backs. Imagine explaining that at work tomorrow.” Nick smiled. Water trickled down his face, through his beard, and Tony wanted to kiss him. Very. Hard.

  Realising it pointless to resist, Tony lunged forward and kissed him, closing his eyes as the water sprayed over them.

  Nick turned off the shower, rotated them both towards the door, then pulled back from the kiss.

  “Don’t stop,” Tony said, suddenly feeling exposed from the separation of their bodies. “I was…well, it was getting good.”

  Nick handed Tony a towel. “Who said we were stopping?”

  Tony frowned.

  “More comfortable in bed, right?” Nick took Tony’s hand and led him to the bedroom.

  ***

  Afterwards, they lay in Nick’s bed, naked and exhausted from an hour of slow, languid sex. They’d taken it in turns to pleasure each other with hands and mouths, until finally, when Nick was too exhausted to do what he thought Tony wanted, it became apparent that Tony would enjoy switching roles. And so Nick had lain on his front, his hairy arse in the air, while Tony had gently fucked him into the mattress.

  Nick kissed Tony’s hand and, reflecting how differently things could turn out from what was expected, said, “You’re a logical man, aren’t you?”

  “Try to be,” Tony replied. “At work, usually.”

  “I’m not.”

  “That’s fine.”

  “Thanks. I wasn’t asking for permission.” Nick smirked.

  “So you’re boasting, then?”

  “I’m happy being messy and disorganised.” Nick winked. “How do you work out if you’re going to carry on dating someone?” Nick asked carefully, feeling that was broad enough to allow him a way into seeing what he’d read in Tony’s notebook.

  “I don’t. I’m not logical with that sort of thing. It either ends or it doesn’t. Usually the former. Quickly. I tend to think everyone’s perfect until I see otherwise.”

  “I see.”

  “Look at that bloke I brought for Kieran’s birthday weekend. What was his name, again?”

  If Tony couldn’t remember himself, why on earth did he expect Nick to remember? “I never met him. You were the one dating him.”

  Nick shook his head at it all. “So you’d never sit down and think it through logically?”

  “Nope. Never.” Closing his eyes, Tony said, “Charlie! That was his name. What. A. Twat. And me for going out with him.” He shook his head.

  Nick closed his eyes too and thought about that for a moment, but it was late, and they had work in the morning. “Have you set an alarm? And we need to arrive separately, or people will talk. More than they’re talking already…”

  Tony kissed him. And then there were only cuddles and kisses and snuggling and the duvet and then sleep.

  Chapter 7

  The next morning, Nick drove them to work, having agreed to drop Tony at his car, where he would remain for a while before they would walk into the office separately.

  “Go the back way, avoid the park-and-ride road,” Tony advised, pointing to a side road to the left.

  “Yes, boss,” Nick replied, doing as he’d been asked.

  His comment about the work gossip had been playing on Tony’s mind, and he would have asked last night, but Nick had fallen asleep as soon as he’d said it.

  “Who’s saying what at work?” Tony needed to be mindful of gossip, particularly as he was the senior of the two of them and, it could be argued, in a pos
ition of authority and therefore able to take advantage of Nick. As if! But no one knew what Nick was really like, did they?

  “Someone in Finance mentioned my boyfriend,” Nick said. “I was talking to someone else at a new staff induction thing, and they said I must get all the breaks, working with my boyfriend. And then there was the comment about us arriving together that one time. One person assumed we were together since we did lots of stuff together and were obviously friends. Like, we’re both gay, so we must be together.” Nick shrugged. “Let them think it. I don’t care.”

  “You wouldn’t,” Tony said. “You’re not the one they’d dismiss on a sexual harassment case.”

  Nick laughed. “From what I remember, I’ve been the one harassing you sexually—except last night, when I was too tired.” They’d arrived at the edge of the city now.

  “Pull over,” Tony instructed. “Can’t take any chances. If anyone sees us in your car and me getting out of it before getting into mine, that’s too dodgy to explain.”

  ***

  “Here?” Nick asked, and Tony nodded, so Nick did so, stopping the car.

  “You probably think it’s really funny, but it’s not. It’s my job.”

  Before Nick could say anything in response, Tony got out of the car and said, “It’s got to stop. Now.” He slammed the door and walked away, leaving Nick wondering what he meant by ‘it’—seeing each other, being friends, sleeping together? Which in itself implied there was a ‘something’ to describe. Did Tony want it all to stop?

  The second thing that occurred to Nick as he arrived at the car park around the back of their building, was how Tony’s voice, once annoyed, had sounded quite sad, saying it had to stop ‘now’, like Tony already knew what he’d be missing.

  Or maybe that was optimistic thinking on Nick’s part?

  Whatever, it was definitely not the time or place to ask Tony about the pros and cons list in his notebook.

  ***

  Tony had been pacing around the city centre for a while, to make sure there was enough time between Nick arriving and his own arrival. This gave him time to think about a few pressing things:

  1) if he was about to lose his job for gossip that, if investigated, would turn out to be true;

  2) why he’d made a pros and cons list about Nick when he never did stuff like that;

  3) whether the work they’d done together last night was any good, or if it had all been skewed in a haze of desperate horniness.

  He decided the first issue could be dealt with by coming clean and telling his supervisor that he had a relationship with Nick outside of work. But when he agreed that with himself, he realised he’d need to ask Nick if he was happy for the information to be shared. Plus, what sort of relationship were they going to come out as having? A friendship? A sexual relationship? Being boyfriends? It was definitely not the latter because neither of them had used those words. Besides, it was only a bit of fun, wasn’t it?

  Maybe coming clean wasn’t as simple as he’d first thought. Why had he let himself get into this situation? And then, with a cheeky, dirty grin, he remembered last night and recalled exactly why they’d done it. Besides, it wasn’t as if they’d planned being together, was it? It had just sort of happened, which, for two people who didn’t want to be in a relationship, made sense.

  The pros and cons list had been something he’d started when trying to work out where he stood relationship-wise with Nick. He’d never done anything like that with previous boyfriends or men he’d been seeing because either they’d ended it or he’d dumped them way before any lists of any description were required. Thinking back, Tony realised he’d been friends with Nick for six months and more than friends since the conference, which was three months ago.

  All told, it was the longest he’d been sleeping with the same man for a long time. A very long time.

  Still, best he kept the pros and cons list to himself.

  As for the work they’d done last night, Tony had confidence it would be good. Anyway, he was now at the office and he could check it shortly. Arriving at his desk, he was soon reviewing the slides, notes and spreadsheet they’d completed last night, and in the cold light of day, they were good.

  “Bad traffic?” Nick asked him with a barely suppressed wink.

  “I had some meetings in town. I went to them first then…” Tony stopped himself, realising if anyone wanted to, they’d have seen him walk into the main entrance this morning, his car remaining in the car park all last night. Plus he had no meetings in his calendar, so he just said, “Better get on,” before turning back to review their work from last night.

  Apparently, Nick wasn’t giving up that easily, as he murmured, “Was it OK? What we did last night?”

  Frowning, dying of embarrassment, Tony said, “Not here.”

  “The work! The presentation, spreadsheet…”

  Suddenly feeling very small, Tony said, “Yeah. It’s good,” and didn’t say much to Nick for the rest of the day except to decline drinks when Nick stood to make himself one.

  As Nick left to go home that night, Tony said again, “It was good. I’m doing the presentation to the management team tomorrow. I’ll tell them you helped me.”

  Nick smiled briefly then waved as he left, collecting his coat on the way.

  Of course, Tony wouldn’t be telling them Nick had helped him in other ways later that night, not least because it was a big risk but also because Tony was still not quite sure what that meant—how he felt about Nick and if indeed Nick felt anything about him.

  Probably not.

  Definitely not.

  Otherwise he’d have said something, surely?

  Or maybe being uncommunicative all afternoon made Nick quiet too…

  *

  Once home, Tony called Kieran to see if discussing any of this with someone else would help him make sense of it. He caught Kieran up on what had gone on—last night’s working late and staying at Nick’s place.

  When Tony was done, Kieran asked, “And still no conversation about seeing each other? Dating? Boyfriends? Exclusive?”

  “No, no and no. Definitely not dating. Neither of us wants to date—both for good reasons. I’ve told you.”

  “But you’re friends? You’ve not fallen out over this?”

  Tony shrugged. “’Course not. Why would we?”

  “How can I put this…” Kieran began. “If we slept with each other, it would change things. Well, it would for me, anyway.”

  “I see.” Tony thought for a moment. “No, it hasn’t changed things in that sense. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t imagine ever sleeping with you. Not that you’re not lovely, but sex? Nope.”

  “Charmed, I’m sure.” Kieran giggled. “Same here, so the fact that you two have, more than once or twice—maybe that says something? Means something?”

  “It means we’re both as horny as each other,” Tony replied.

  “Yes, but you could be horny with me and just nope. Is that right?”

  “Me and Nick have chemistry. Like, there’s this banter at work, and that grows outside of work and in the bedroom. Well, I’ve told you about that.”

  “You have.” Kieran sounded rather tired of it all.

  “Didn’t mean to make you jealous.”

  “Not at all. I’m pleased for you. Besides, I’m seeing David. As in, we’re seeing each other—dating, I suppose you could call it. Which is why I’m trying to establish what’s going on with you two.”

  “That’s the thing. There’s not an us two. There’s me and there’s Nick and there’s when we’re in bed together. And that’s it.” Tony shivered at the memory.

  “Is that enough for you?” Kieran asked. “Cos it wouldn’t be for me. I know it.”

  Was it enough? The fact he was discussing it with Kieran probably told Tony all he needed to know.

  After a moment of Tony’s silence, Kieran said, “I think that’s your answer, then.”

  “What is?” He was tir
ed. He wanted this spelling out for him, preferably in words of one syllable.

  “Talk to him about it.”

  “And say what? That I love him? That I want to be with him forever? That I’ve never felt this way about someone before? That we should get married?” Tony was exasperated.

  Kieran made an exaggerated vomiting sound, then sighed. “Maybe not all of those. Not straight away. Do you love him?”

  “Nope. No way. Lust, definitely. Friends with fuck-loads of benefits, absolutely, but love? No.” Tony paused, then just to make sure the message was clear, added, “Nope to loving him.”

  “I’ll leave that with you, then,” Kieran said. “But if it quacks like a duck, swims like a duck and looks like a duck, my dear friend, it’s a duck. Me and David missed out on years of being together because neither of us acknowledged what we had together. Not properly.”

  Tony stayed silent while he considered this new information and way of seeing things, then asked, “How are things with you and David?” after which they talked about Kieran’s latest date with David and how he felt like they’d spent their whole lives with the wrong people and now, too late, were finding their way back to each other.

  “Better late than not at all,” Tony said, pleased with himself for being able to see things from a different perspective for once.

  “Yeah, and at least we recognise it for what it is now.”

  With that, Tony ended the call, thanking his friend for listening and promising he would speak to Nick.

  ***

  Nick had noticed that Tony had stopped all the office chats with him since the night he’d told Tony about the office rumour mill about them. Their one-to-one meetings had also returned to a distinctly formal arrangement, sticking to work and rarely verging into personal territory. This, Nick thought, was rather odd: that night at his place, he felt they’d made something of a breakthrough.

  The sex had moved on from being frantic and animal to something better than Nick had experienced in his last relationship. For most of it, anyway. And the morning after, he’d almost managed to ask Tony about the list in the back of his notebook, but not quite.