Don't You Want Me

by Liam Livings

  “That doesn’t make sense.” Laura frowned, nodding to the waiter, who took their order for more drinks.

  “I made so many compromises with the ex I swore I’d never do that again. Never. I want this job in London. Doesn’t matter about Tony being here. I don’t care about him.”

  “I thought…” Laura said and then paused. “That’s why we’re here. You do care about him. Otherwise, why not just go to London?”

  “I will. Definitely. Probably. If I get offered the job.”

  “Sounds simple enough to me. In which case, why did you want him to say you were more than friends?”

  “Because I wanted to know if he felt the same as me.”

  “And now you do, you’re thinking of running away?”

  “Moving away. For a job. If I get it.” Nick narrowed his eyes at the obvious jumping to conclusions Laura had made.

  “Why?” she asked again as they accepted the next round of cocktails.

  “Because then it’s serious. And I’ve had enough of serious. I’ve done serious for the last three years. It didn’t end well. I don’t want more serious. I was looking forward to some time without any serious in it.”

  “Excuse me for asking the obvious, and I’m saying this with love, as you know…but why did you bring it up if you now regret it?”

  “At the time, I needed to know where I stood with us. I was hoping he’d say it was nothing. That the pro-con list was a joke. That we were messing around, the list was a mistake, and we’d go back to being friends or stay as fuck buddies.”

  “So end it.” Laura sat back in her chair and elaborately chewed another bright-red glacé cherry from her cocktail.

  It sounded so simple when she said it like that. Getting the job and moving away would make the decision for him. That would be the perfect option.

  “I will,” he said with conviction. But he didn’t feel sure about it. Not at all.

  Chapter 8

  “It’s a tribute band,” Tony was saying one lunchtime at work over avocado salads.

  “A tribute to whom?” Nick sounded disinterested, which Tony wasn’t too surprised about. Since they’d come out as being more than friends at work, ironically, they’d been barely friends.

  Sighing, and flicking his long fringe from his eye, he said, “The Human League.”

  “Oh.”

  “Fine. I’ll go with someone who wants to go with me. Kieran’s always wanted to come.” Turning back to his salad, he speared a tomato aggressively, and the juice squeezed out all over his hand in an almost mockingly sexual way.

  “Probably best,” Nick said, returning to his salad in silence.

  Tony put his hand next to Nick’s on the table. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Nothing. What makes you think that?”

  Tony could have listed the times earlier that week when he’d suggested they have lunch together and Nick had refused. He could have gone on to describe last Friday night, when he’d assumed they’d have their usual end-of-the-week celebratory drink together, and Nick had left without saying goodbye. Or, he could have added, in a quiet voice, of course, that since that night at Nick’s place, they’d not even kissed, never mind stayed over for some of the energetic and enthusiastic sex they’d previously enjoyed.

  But instead, Tony said, “You seem off.” Swallowing, he added, “With me.”

  “It’s nothing. I’ve been thinking.”

  “Dangerous is that, too much thinking time. Did you do a pros and cons list?”

  “Nope,” Nick replied very sure-footedly.

  “What is it, then?”

  “You know,” he was whispering now, “the job?”

  Tony nodded. He was intimately aware of the job Nick had applied for. Quite why he’d applied, he was less clear on, but any more of that discussion wasn’t for now.

  “I got an interview. And they’ve offered it to me.”

  It felt as if a massive freight train had just driven through Tony’s life. While sounding its horn.

  “Have you handed in your notice yet?” Tony knew he hadn’t, since if he had, Nick would have handed it to Tony himself. He was trying to make a point.

  Nick shook his head. “Can’t decide if I’m gonna accept it.”

  Choosing his words carefully, Tony asked, “What’s the deciding factor?”

  Nick avoided eye contact. “Lots of things.”

  Right. He’s doing it this way, then, is he? “Go with your heart,” was all Tony could manage before standing, collecting his half-eaten salad and leaving the table in the small office kitchen where, up until moments ago, he’d been enjoying a lovely lunch with someone he thought was more than a friend.

  And the fact that Nick didn’t say anything, nor tried to stop Tony from leaving, told him all he needed to know.

  It—whatever it had been—was over between them.

  ***

  That afternoon, Nick handed Tony a letter giving his notice. “Where is this tribute act?” he asked. “Unless you’ve already got someone to go with you…” He trailed off, knowing how pathetic he sounded but wanting to somehow make up for his behaviour over the last few weeks.

  “Bournemouth,” Tony said, tight-lipped and obviously annoyed at him.

  “It’s a promotion. I’ve wanted to live in London. It’s all sort of come together,” Nick added by way of explanation about the thing they were really talking about.

  Glancing at the notice letter, Tony said, “Four weeks. It’ll fly by.” After a pause, he smiled then said, “I’ll get you a ticket too. Kieran’s coming, so we can make a threesome. For the show.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’ll tell Barbara another one’s leaving,” Tony added, before walking to the office holding the letter.

  Well, that hadn’t gone as badly as it could have. Honestly, Nick wasn’t sure what he was doing; all he knew was he needed not to be in a relationship, so moving a hundred miles away felt like the easiest way of avoiding that possibility.

  ***

  At the concert a few weeks later, Nick felt awkward being around Kieran, who’d obviously been told everything about his and Tony’s off-on whatever-it-was.

  Kieran, although friendly, didn’t pass comment when Nick mentioned going to London in a couple of weeks.

  They were in a break from the concert, and Kieran had suggested getting some memorabilia. For some reason, Nick had chosen to join him rather than sitting with Tony and making small talk about everything except what they should’ve been discussing: them.

  Collecting the bag containing the programme and a T-shirt, Kieran turned to Nick and said, “He’ll be fine, you know. It’s not the first time this has happened. He’s used to it. This is why he was so reluctant to name it.”

  Nick smiled weakly as he paid for his hat. “I think if I’d not forced the issue, we’d still be happily doing what we’d been doing.” He shrugged.

  Kieran put his arm around Nick’s shoulder. “Why do it, then?”

  “I needed to know where we stood.” And I’m apt to sabotage my own happiness.

  “And running away to London makes sense.”

  “I deserved that.”

  “I know,” Kieran said with a smirk. “Look, I don’t mind what you do or why you’re doing it. But when you hurt someone I love like you have, it’s my business.”

  “I wanted to be single for at least a year before anything serious.” Nick paused. “Then I started working with Tony, and…”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m not ready for anything serious. Not yet. I need to be me for a while before I can go back to being Nick and someone else.”

  “OK. But has it occurred to you that you already were Nick and someone else, even if you’d not told others until recently? You were already living that relationship, even if you didn’t want to acknowledge it.”

  “I wasn’t. We were just messing about.” Nick shook his head in disbelief, knowing this to be a lie.

  “If that’s what yo
u think.”

  “It is,” Nick replied resolutely as they returned to where Tony was sitting.

  It was what Nick would tell himself anyway. As the band started to sing their most well-known song, he turned to Tony who was singing along to every word and smiling

  I’m definitely making the right decision. Defo.

  “Having fun?” Tony asked, waving in the air at the chorus.

  “Yes.” Undoubtedly. So much fun. Not tinged with regret at all. I’m sure we’ll still be friends after I move to London. Friends is all I want with him anyway. Really good friends.

  For the rest of the concert, he stayed quiet, enjoying himself in a reserved way, thinking about what Kieran had said and then dismissing it as nonsense. He and Tony hadn’t been anything more than fuck buddies. Had they? OK, so there were all the times when they’d met and hadn’t fucked, but that was usual, right? Not everyone had a sky-high libido, walking around with a permanent erection, did they? Some people wanted to sit and relax and cuddle with their friends, didn’t they?

  As he considered that, he realised the band were singing their big finale number, and it would soon all be over. Just like everything.

  At the end of the night, they were returning to Nick’s home when Tony asked, “Want to come back to mine? Mum and Dad are away at a yoga retreat.”

  Nick looked between the two old friends. “I’ll leave you two to it. Expect you’ve got a lot to catch up on.” He wanted to be alone. Wanted not to be near the friendship Tony and Kieran had and that he’d enjoyed for a short while with Tony, until he hadn’t.

  “Of course,” Kieran said. “Lovely to meet you.” He held out his hand for Nick to shake.

  No kisses and hugs this time. Nick supposed he’d brought that on himself really. Shaking first Kieran’s then Tony’s hand, Nick was soon walking through his front door where the feeling of not having to pretend to be fine became overwhelming, and he scrabbled up the stairs, past the kitchen filled with people he didn’t want to talk to, and slammed his bedroom door, leaning against it, slumping on the floor where for some reason he found himself crying.

  Why, he wasn’t sure, when he was about to embark on a new adventure. Yet all he could think about was that he’d lost a friend. A good friend who’d made him happy. A friend he was definitely better off without because it had become too serious.

  Definitely.

  ***

  “He seemed a bit funny,” Tony said on the way back to his place.

  “Hilarious,” Kieran replied with a smirk.

  “What did you speak to him about when you sloped off?”

  “Nothing. The weather. Price of T-shirts.”

  “It was fun while it lasted, I suppose.” Tony shrugged as he drove the familiar winding country lanes he’d covered so many times before he could almost drive with his eyes closed.

  “I could see that. Even before I met him.”

  “Unsuitable. Work romances are always doomed. Always. Totally doomed. And he’s much younger than me so…”

  “Yeah, you’ve had lots of work romances, haven’t you?” After a pause, Kieran went on, “Three years younger is hardly a twenty-year age gap.”

  “I know, but he’s young in here.” Tony tapped his head to emphasise his point.

  “You’ve got that right. He seems quite set in his ways. This plan he has post ex-boyfriend…”

  “He was very hurt by that guy. Very hurt.”

  They drove in silence for a few moments, and then Kieran asked, “Are you?”

  “Fine. Honestly. Totally fine. I never expected anything to happen between us. Besides, we’ll stay in touch. As friends.”

  “’Course you will,” Kieran said, but his tone told Tony differently.

  ***

  Nick’s leaving party was an understated affair—drinks in a local pub with a few colleagues and a card signed by most people. He opened the present, which was a large cardboard box filled with a London survival kit, including a pair of sunglasses and earphones to ignore people on the Tube, an Oyster card and a Tube map. There seemed to be a slight overemphasis placed on the Tube; Nick felt there would be much more to London than that, but he wasn’t quite sure what. Yet.

  Tony stood next to him at the bar as he waited for drinks.

  “I’ll let you know my address when I’m settled, and you must come up for a weekend,” Nick said, knowing neither would be true. Why would Tony, whom he’d hurt so much, ever want to see him again? And, more importantly, why would Nick want to be reminded of a friendship he’d ruined? Best they make a clean break and never see each other again.

  “Come on,” Tony said. “Really?”

  “Really what? I mean it.”

  “It’s just one of those things people say, like ‘stay in touch’ and ‘I’ll call you’. Or ‘the cheque’s in the post’. You’re leaving because it’s over.”

  “It?” Nick frowned. “There wasn’t an it to be over.”

  “OK, then. There’s a bit of me that wishes we’d stayed as friends. You’d probably still be staying here, and I’d have you in my life. But then we’d have missed out on all the other fun we had.”

  “I want you to visit me in London,” Nick said, desperately hanging on to the belief it would happen but increasingly accepting it was unlikely.

  “No, you don’t. Besides, I don’t think I’d want to come. I don’t see any of my other exes, so…” Tony shrugged. “It was fun while it lasted. Like most affairs, I suppose. All, actually. Only this lasted a bit longer. It doesn’t surprise me. I don’t have a good track record at this sort of thing. I either scare them away or they go back to their husbands or wives. Or London.”

  “You did nothing wrong,” Nick said.

  “Then why…” Tony shook his head. “Never mind.”

  “Why what?”

  “Why are you leaving? Why did you not so much as kiss me since we told work we were more than friends?”

  Because getting serious wasn’t part of the plan when he’d jumped into bed with Tony in that hotel room all those months ago. Because Nick didn’t want a boyfriend, not after having been part of a couple for so long and it ending so badly. Because he liked things when they had been casual. Because he was terrified of the serious and how it would only grow from where they were now.

  He didn’t say any of that, though.

  “I think I need to go back to the others. It’s my do after all.” Nick left the bar and that conversation without collecting the drinks he’d been waiting for, to return to the others so their conversational chatter could fill his head and he didn’t need to think about the answer to Tony’s question.

  A few hours later, as Tony was leaving, he grabbed Nick, wished him well in the new job and said, “Are you still OK to come to this show with me tomorrow night?”

  Wanting to savour something from this whole mess, Nick nodded. He liked cabaret and hoped them going out together would set them back on track to being friends, like before. Help them stay in touch when Nick went to London. “Looking forward to it,” he said, and then Tony left with a wave and a smile and a little flutter of Nick’s stomach.

  Chapter 9

  Tony knew he only had so much time before Nick left to tell him about his partly secret life as a drag artist. So he decided: rather than a long, drawn-out conversation about it, he’d show Nick instead. Tony had heard that another friend of Kieran’s called Kev had done the same to him almost twenty years ago and that Kieran hadn’t been surprised and they’d been the best of friends ever since.

  So what could Tony lose? Besides, why should he feel the need to apologise or hide this part of himself from Nick, after everything they’d been through?

  He’d invited Nick to meet him at a pub where he was performing and was waiting in a room out the back, in his outfit.

  Swallowing a ball of anxiety, he smiled as confidently as he could when the manager poked his head around the door to say they were ready for him.

  ‘Roar’ by Katy Perry started to b
lare, and Tony assumed his position: by the side of the stage, channelling the strong warrior person who was his alter-ego when performing.

  In his long-bobbed black wig, faux-leopard-skin-print bikini and short skirt, Tony stepped up onto the raised stage at the back of the pub and began to mime the song. He could hardly see the audience, which was good, as it meant he concentrated on the song and performance rather than whether Nick was watching.

  At the end of the first song, the crowd clapped and cheered in anticipation of his next one—he presumed. “I’m going to get really serious for a moment,” he said, strutting his stuff on stage. “I’m going to sing something inspired by a Shakespeare play. I’m sure you’ll all love it.”

  This was met with a stunned silence, at which Tony laughed, then said, “Joking! It’s me. Like, did you seriously think I’d do something that high-brow wearing this? I can hardly spell Shakespeare, let alone perform something inspired by it.” With a nod to the music man at the edge of the stage, the first few notes of the song sounded.

  Tony assumed a coy pose, putting his finger in his mouth and tucking one leg behind the other. “Imagine you’ve just met the most gorgeous man of your dreams and you’ve given him your number. You can’t believe he’s come into your life. So what do you ask him?”

  The crowd shouted back, “Call me, maybe?”

  “Correct!” And Tony then mimed the Carly Rae Jepson song of the same name, skipping from side to side of the stage, pouting and prancing as if his life depended on it.

  In some ways, he’d often reflected, it did. Doing performances like this meant he was more easily able to become corporate Tony, work Tony, because he had a regular outlet for normal Tony in the form of Su Sullied.

  As he finished the song, he saw Nick standing near the bar. He was looking around the room, obviously wondering where Tony was, having not realised who was on stage. One more song to go: a medley of hits by The Human League, where he alternated performing as the two women and the male singer.

  His final song completed, Tony lapped up the applause, took a few bows and curtseys, kissing his hands and throwing the adoration into the crowd, then walked to the bar and stood next to Nick.