Powerless (Book 1): Powerless

by McCreanor, Niall

  Composing himself, he mustered his strength and got to his feet. Fixing his view on the ground first, he then brought his eyes up as far as the table, taking another breath and looking up again, this time to his brother’s lifeless face.

  Lee just stared at the body that his brother used to live in and the deep sinking numbness he had experienced earlier just multiplied. Lee couldn’t cope with this. Once more he walked over to where his brother lay and ran his fingers through his hair as if for reassurance that the man in front of him was actually his brother. Lee knew it was him, but found it hard to reconcile that he was there, but he was not. Staring at his brother, looking for signs of life that would not come, he felt someone’s hand caress his and take hold of it. He didn’t turn to see who was there, as he knew already it was the soft touch of Jennifer.

  Lee simply stared at his brother and choked, “I'm not ready for this…” Each breath Lee now took with tremendous difficulty. Gasping for air again he spoke softly, “I am not ready to say goodbye…” Pausing, he wiped a tear from his face and whimpering said, “I am not ready to say goodbye and he's already gone.”

  Jennifer squeezed his hand reassuringly and just listened to his words. She was determined to be a rock for him, for whatever he needed and right now she knew he just needed her to be there. He just needed her unwavering support as he tried to get through this tragedy.

  “He's gone and I never told him I loved him, I know he knew I did, but I never told him…”

  Philip had already taken his phone from his pocket and began to let people know what had happened. Ringing the hospital where he worked, he requested someone come to remove the body. Ringing close family members, he asked them to spread the word to people who would be concerned. After he made a few calls he turned to Lee with deep reluctance, saying, “I know this is tragic. I know we are both dying inside, but you have to get out of here. There will be people asking questions and with your body as injured as it is, you need to not be here…”

  Jennifer took Lee by the hand and led him away; she took him outside where he could gather his thoughts. Sitting on a bench outside the cabin, she held his hand in both of hers, feeling the sorrow pass through him with each tremor of his hand. This was only the beginning and she knew it. She had been through this pain before and it only got worse and never got easier. You just had to learn to make room for the pain in your life. But she was going to do everything in her power to help this man. Gently she led him from the bench and to the car, knowing that he could barely see what was happening anymore, as he was completely lost in his grief.

  She took Lee home, tended his wounds, and waited until he was ready to ask him what happened. There was no urgency because no matter what had unfolded that night, she knew the feelings between them would be unwavering. But she also knew that Lee would need to process it sooner rather than later and talking it through with her was the best way she could think of right now.

  Lee calmly told her everything that transpired that night, about how he found the compound high up in the hill, found and rescued his brother and that McKay used Tom as bait to flush out whoever had the files Tom found.

  Lee fell asleep in his own bed feeling a little safer and when he woke he felt a familiar numbness. His eyes felt heavy in his head and sore from uncontrollable bouts of crying that seemed to hit him every hour. Pain still resonated in his throat; another side effect from the cries of loss. A deep pain was drilling deep in his head as if a part of his brain had been removed, his body was no longer his own. He felt detached from himself physically as his body went into autopilot and got up out of the bed.

  Slowly dressing himself, his body still ached, but that was secondary to what was happening in his head and his heart. Making his way downstairs, he forced himself to eat some toast despite not wanting too. Jennifer was by his side every second of the process and looked after everything for him. “Where is Tom?” Lee asked, with need in his eyes.

  “He's already at your Dad's place…”

  Jennifer and Lee got in the car and left in the direction of Philip’s house. As they drove, Lee gazed out of the window, thinking it strange how people were going about their business as usual.

  “Do they not comprehend that the world has just stopped?” he silently despaired.

  But they just continued about their mundane daily tasks. This was so surreal to Lee who just wanted the world to stop, if only for a little while and acknowledge what just happened; that there was a big hole in the world and nothing would fill it.

  Pulling the car in at the house where Lee and Tom grew up together, Lee peered out seeing in his mind the memory of two boys going off early in the morning to play golf. The younger carrying the clubs of the older, just so he was important to him. He saw the two boys going off to school together with the older passing on words of protective wisdom to the younger. A comforting sadness passed through Lee knowing he would carry those memories with him for the rest of his days, but would never have the chance to make new memories or grow old with his brother. He would never be able to share new experiences.

  He passed through the gate and walked to the door. Jennifer was parking the car; Lee turned, waiting for her, not wanting to go inside without her comfort by his side. As he turned he saw another memory, that of a young man walking up to the house carrying with him his army gear in one hand and a pair of shiny boots in the other, wearing a familiar smile on his face. The memory of that time passed right through him.

  Jennifer approached him and gently spoke, “Are you ready?”

  Dipping his head, Lee said, “I will never be ready, but it's still going to happen…” so he turned and walked into the house. Walking by the sitting room he sensed his brother’s presence there and was not ready to face the reality just yet. So he walked into the kitchen and was met by a mass of mournful faces, each with a look of sorrowful acknowledgment for Lee's heartache.

  Lee eventually turned and walked into the sitting room where his brother lay in a coffin. He walked up to the edge, but did not believe the lifeless body to be that of Tom.

  The person that lay in front of him was pale and cold. This couldn't have been Tom; Tom had bright rosy cheeks and a cheeky smile. So once again he slowly ran his fingers through his short greying hair and with the familiar feeling of what passed through his fingers Lee was unable to fathom that he was actually looking at his brother.

  Lee couldn't help but notice that the shirt Tom was wearing in the coffin was tight around his neck and he also knew that this wouldn't have been comfortable for Tom.

  Resisting the urge to open the button to make Tom comfortable, he resigned himself to the fact that Tom couldn’t feel the tightness around his neck.

  *

  The next two days passed by in a haze for Lee; spending most of the time stood at the front door, he greeted each mourner who came past with his or her condolences. There were people there he was sure had never met Tom before, but were curious as to what happened.

  Lee greeted each mourner in the same way.

  “Hi, I'm Lee, Tom’s brother…” and then would usher them into the sitting room where Tom was.

  “Tom’s remains are through here, and there is food in the kitchen…” he’d say pointing down the hall.

  One person interrupted Lee's greeting as he delivered the same words for what felt like a thousand times before.

  “Hi, I'm Lee, Tom’s brother…”

  The man spoke over him, “Hi Tom…”

  To Lee’s surprise and amusement he found himself responding, “No, no. I'm Lee. Tom is the one in the coffin…” Everyone around Lee looked in shock, but Lee knew that Tom would also have found this amusing and just laughed to himself.

  On the second night Lee tried to get some sleep. Running his hands through his own hair, he was comforted that it felt the same as Tom’s. Returning to his apartment, he laid his head to rest for a while, eventually managing to find some sleep.

  Awakening on the morning of the funeral, he was
unable to shift the feeling that he was knowingly entering into the hardest day of his life so far. Getting up, and getting dressed, putting on a new jacket that Jennifer had got him the day before; he prepared to bury his brother.

  He sat a solitary figure on his bed when Jennifer walked in.

  “It's time…”

  As she said these words she saw Lee sticking the piece of paper that he had been writing on in his pocket. He stood turning to her and nervously asked, “Do I look okay?”

  Jennifer approached, gently adjusting the black tie that Lee had put on and reassured him. “You look good.”

  They made their way back up to the house to say their final farewells to Tom. Everyone left the house leaving only close family to say their good-byes. Lee walked over to his brother, again brushing his hair with his hand, in painful understanding that it would be the last time he would ever see or feel the brother who had lain down his life to protect him.

  As Lee focused on his brother, his father was approaching him and handed him something, which was wrapped loosely in a red satin cloth. Lee looked at it puzzled and slowly unfolded the cloth to see what was inside. There were two sharp polished teeth, each was long and jagged. One was fastened to a leather lace in the fashion of a necklace. Lee looked at his father.

  “What is this?”

  Philip explained how he tracked them when they were on the trail and confronted by the bear all those years ago. Saying that he had their back even when he wasn’t there, he carried the teeth with him every day from that to this and it was time to give them to whom they belonged. So Philip reached into Lee’s hand, lifted the tooth that had the lace attached to it and tied it around Lee’s neck. “The other one is for your brother, you give it to him…”

  Lee slipped the tooth into his brother’s pocket across his chest in front of his heart and kissed him one last time on the forehead. He whispered in his ear, “I love you so much.” Standing up, he turned away, letting the undertakers seal his brother away in a box that he would never leave.

  The coffin was carried outside and a few volunteers approached to carry it. Lee made sure that he was there for every step. The physical discomfort of the coffin pressing against his shoulder seemed a relief from the emotional turmoil that was in his heart. Lifting his brothers’ coffin up on his shoulder he began the solemn walk to lay him to rest. The people who carried the coffin changed every few paces, but Lee would not let his place go.

  Lee didn’t know who was carrying the coffin with him, as he couldn’t see anyone’s face through his own grief, carrying the coffin so his brother was sitting on his left shoulder, as this was a familiar feeling to have Tom on this side of him. Lee knew that Tom's ears were right by him. As they walked Lee spoke softly into the coffin begging him to get up and telling him, “This is it, if you don’t get up now there’s no coming back.” No one else could hear Lee's quiet despair as they took a long walk to the grave to say good-bye. He had never felt as alone or empty as he did right at that moment, knowing he was speaking to someone who would never speak back.

  When they got there, Lee and Philip placed Tom over the hole, supported by a few planks on the grave they picked out. Lee stepped back and looked around, this was the first time he could actually see the funeral procession and how vast it was.

  There were more people than Lee could count, but there were no faces. Lee couldn't see the face of anyone other than his father who was breaking down with grief every few moments. Lee could hear him talking.

  “I was there for his first breath and I was there for his last. It’s not fair; he should be burying me…”

  Lee’s face was sore from crying. He stood back and listened to the blessing that was being cast over Tom’s coffin. Enduring, empty and alone, sensing no comfort in anything.

  He looked for loving eyes, but could not find them. His throat was sore and needed to be comforted. Feeling that comfort would never come, he broke down. As he did a familiar hand slipped into his and squeezed tight. The comfort he sought was standing right behind him and he didn’t realise it. With Jennifer holding onto him he managed to say his goodbyes and to be one of the men to lower his brother down into the ground to his final resting place.

  Standing up in front of everyone that was there, reaching into his pocket he pulled out the piece of paper that Jennifer had seen him with before they left for the funeral. Lee took a moment or two and let the morning wind blow over him.

  He gazed to the sky and felt a small radiation of heat from the sun, despite the fact that it was still cold and there was soft dew that lay all round. After he took his moment he unfolded the piece of paper, then first looking Jennifer in the eye, then Philip and once more back to Jennifer and turned his focus down to the page. He began to read his own words;

  Today I say Goodbye

  Today I say goodbye, to the man who was the apple of my eye

  I take you here to your resting place and I hope you now find eternal grace.

  Willingly I walk the path that you have walked, guided by your light I shall never be lost

  I carry you along these final steps, to this place where you are laid to rest.

  Not ready to say goodbye, knowing deep down inside the reason why.

  You are my hero, my friend; you can do no wrong, even if you try.

  I pick myself up and I will move on, safe in the knowledge we left no stone unturned.

  I feel you in my heart and your guiding hand on my back, but still

  I must say goodbye.

  I will carry you forever and love you even longer But on this day, I must say

  Goodbye

  Lee tearfully struggled to force the words out of his mouth. Talking to Tom and for all to hear, he made it through and delivered the words he wanted to say to his big brother. Maintaining a strong jaw despite the emotions bubbling through him, he bid his final farewells to all the mourners who had come to see Tom off.

  Lee, Jennifer and Philip returned to the house and to their new reality; a world where a good man was taken so early and for no good reason.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Over the coming weeks Lee healed physically from the injuries sustained during the fight, but he was left with a scar across his face from where McKay cut him. It would serve as a constant reminder of what he endured to survive, although physically he healed relatively quickly under the care of Jennifer and his father. But the reality was that no matter how much time passed, the acute pain of the loss of his brother would never leave him. It would remain etched into his skin and his bones, just like the scar on his face. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Philip procured another wrecked shell of a car and spent most of his time between working on restoring it and tending to Lee when he needed. Philip seemed to have an incredible burst of energy over the following weeks, never stopping to take account of what happened, fully restoring the vehicle in a matter of weeks. Lee and Jennifer knew that he was just trying to avoid the chaos he had inside. They were each suffering and dealing with it in their own way and just hoping that soon they would see the light at the other side.

  Emotionally finding himself lost, the prospects of a world without Tom’s guiding presence were too much for Lee to endure. Everywhere Lee looked he saw Tom’s face, in every movement he made, in everything that was around him; it was both a comfort and a curse, willingly carrying this sadness with him. He wished his brother was still there, but remembered that he had no regrets in their relationship. Comforted that his brother was his best friend, there was nothing more he could have done to be closer to him in his lifetime.

  But he also knew that he was taken away before his time and someone had to answer for what had transpired. He resented the fact that his brother was taken from him and trying to hide this made him very moody and easily agitated. This was the wrong way to be, but he just had to get through what he was feeling, because deep down even though he wished his brother was there and wished he could have taken his place, he knew that Tom
would only have ever wanted him to live a long and happy life. Lee sat on the couch in the sitting room, unable to communicate through the relentless pain that surged through his veins. Jennifer came in and sat beside him. She didn’t talk as she waited for Lee to speak first, to see if he was able to open up a little. But he did not move. He just sat in silence, numbed by pain. Jennifer could see he was not going to talk, not yet. She flicked on the TV and turned on a film she knew Lee always loved. Lee became visibly agitated and uncomfortable. By the time the opening credits finished, he was rubbing his eyes and hiding his face. Jennifer hesitantly asked, “Are you ok?”

  Lee did something he had not done before, snapping at her, “How could I be ok? Tom is dead. Do you not get that? He’s gone and I will never see him again. I will never hear his voice. I will never confide in him. And I will never watch our favourite film together again!” He gestured towards the TV.

  Jennifer knew that the film triggered this and that it was not a personal slight against her. But still it stung as she was trying her best to be there for him and give him everything he needed. She bit her lip and looked at her hands, trying to work out what to do; how to help this man that she loved who was in so much pain. Looking up at him with wide eyes she caught a glimmer of the man behind the pain and found the strength inside to reason with herself that it would take time. She stood up and threw her arms around him, kissing his cheek.

  “You will be ok. I promise you!”

  Lee took as much comfort in the words as he could and with a cracking voice, “I am sorry, it’s not easy!”

  The only people who could link him to the breakout and Tom’s death was Tom, who he just buried and McKay, who was dead.

  Impatient with the recovery process and willing himself to heal faster he became frustrated and a restless energy built up inside of him. Lee needed an outlet to focus his attention on and build up the strength within him to face the task of exposing the atrocities that the United New World had been involved in and the subsequent cover-ups. Lee gathered the files that his brother uncovered from where he stashed them, under the floorboards in the spare room of his apartment, and began to work.