Shadow Haven

by AJ Schippers

  “I’m not nauseous anymore, and I really want some food.”

  “Then go make some.”

  “I can’t cook.”

  Alexandra groaned again. “Are you always this chipper in the morning after having your head smashed in?”

  Julia laughed. “Maybe I’m delirious, but I’m still hungry, so please get up and make me some food.”

  “Surely you can manage to make a sandwich.”

  Julia shook her head. “Concussion, remember? I shouldn’t be allowed near utensils.”

  “Why do I get the feeling you’re milking your concussion?”

  “Most likely because I am.”

  Alexandra laughed out loud. “Well, that’s probably the most honest thing you’ve said since you got here.” She yawned and stretched her arms out wide before sitting up straight. “And what exactly would you like for breakfast?”

  “Coffee and eggs.”

  “I’m almost out of eggs. I’m not quite sure if you deserve them. Also, you can’t have caffeine.” She stretched once more, then got out of bed and slipped on the robe that lay over the seat near her vanity.

  “What? Why not?”

  “Because you have a concussion. Those two don’t go together.”

  Julia quietly followed Alexandra to the kitchen and sat down on one of the chairs at the table.

  Alexandra sighed as she opened the fridge to get out the eggs. Frustration seeped through her body and she took deep breaths to keep herself calm and collected. When her fingers started twitching, she knew it was no use. She spun around, pointing a finger toward Julia and spat out her words far more harshly than she’d intended. “Why did you do it?” She immediately regretted her outburst when she saw the hurt look in Julia’s eyes. “I’m sor—”

  “No, it’s okay,” Julia interrupted with a hand she held up before Alexandra. “Honestly, I didn’t think about it. I was out taking photos, and the weather change caught me by surprise.”

  “I told you the weather was treacherous. I…I just find it hard to understand why you would stay away for as long as you did without informing me where you went. I thought you understood? Did I not make it clear enough to you?” The frustration she felt was maddening. She hated the complete lack of control she had over the words that fell from her mouth, words that Julia didn’t truly deserve. It had been an honest mistake. But it had been a mistake that had ended up getting Julia hurt. Seeing Julia hurt… Well, it hurt Alexandra in return. That, above all, scared her the most.

  “I’m stubborn. And yes, you made yourself quite clear.”

  “Did I? You got hurt, Julia.”

  “Yeah, I did. But I’m alive and I’m fine.” She regarded Alexandra with a curious look. “Why is this such a big deal?”

  Alexandra focused her attention on the coffee machine. Not that it needed much attention. All she had to do was press a button, and the smell of fresh coffee would soon fill the air around them. She didn’t want to think about Julia’s question. It was a good question, one she wasn’t quite sure she could answer, since it meant revealing details of her past that she wasn’t quite ready to share yet. So, rather than giving Julia an answer, she remained silent and waited for the machine to fill up Julia’s cup. She placed it in front of Julia and sat down opposite her.

  “I realized something after I got hurt. Or it was before… I’m not entirely sure,” Julia said.

  Alexandra didn’t say anything, inviting Julia to continue.

  “Coming here…it’s been quite a whirlwind so far. Nothing went as I’d imagined it would go, and that led to me having to adjust my expectations. I’m not afraid to admit…I’m not the best at that. I was furious at Caroline, but I also was embarrassed.”

  Alexandra frowned. “Why embarrassed?”

  “At first, I thought that maybe Caroline had sent me here as a possible client. I asked you, and you didn’t quite deny it, though I know better now. But I suppose it brought back some memories of a past relationship. My ex… She once told me that I was being too passive, and it affected me so much that I vowed never to be in another relationship again. So, when I came here and you told me you were a professional dominatrix, it brought back all those feelings. Truth be told,” Julia said, “BDSM has always been something that intrigued me. But I didn’t want it to. It was bad enough that I was the girl with no parents, the woman who turned out to be a lesbian, and a passive one at that. I didn’t also want to be the woman who had all these questions and desires that are seen as unnatural by the entire world.”

  “Oh, Julia.” Alexandra leaned forward in her chair. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Having these desires is perfectly normal.”

  “I think I know that now. But it’s still a very overwhelming feeling.”

  When she looked up at Alexandra, her eyes were filled with more emotions than Alexandra could put a name to. She desperately wanted to reach out to Julia, but something kept her from doing that. Even the slightest touch might make Julia retreat into her shell again.

  “You overwhelm me, Alexandra. It’s like…you see right through me and see things that I’m not ready for, but at the same time…you’ve done nothing to actually warrant that thought. I’m having trouble separating your line of work with…whatever is happening in my head.”

  Alexandra swallowed. “What exactly is happening in your head?”

  Chapter 6

  It was a good question, and Alexandra deserved an honest answer to it. Alexandra worrying about her, then taking care of her all through the night had awoken something within Julia. She thought about Alexandra all the time now, and it scared her to death. Alexandra had made it clear that she didn’t think she could be in a relationship where she wasn’t in charge. Could Julia be in a relationship where she had to give up that control? What if she put those words out there, handed them over to Alexandra? What she could do with them slightly terrified her.

  “I am curious,” Julia finally said. “I am curious about you, and I am curious about BDSM.” She fidgeted with her sleeves, finding it hard to make eye contact with Alexandra. “I am curious but scared. If…if I were to pursue this, I wouldn’t want it to be as one of your clients.”

  Her heart was pounding in her chest. Julia had never felt braver than in this moment. She’d laid every card she had on the table, and now it was up to Alexandra. But when Julia finally looked up at her, she saw nothing but understanding in her eyes. She leaned back in her chair and took steady breaths as her heart began to beat in its normal rhythm. It made her feel slightly more comfortable.

  “Thank you for telling me that,” Alexandra said. “Honestly, I know that took a lot, and you should be proud of yourself. I know that sometimes I can come across as intimidating and inflexible. I like to be in control, and you showing up here…it took away all control from me. We’ve both had to adjust our expectations. You’re not alone in what you feel, though.”

  “I’m not?”

  “You’re not. You’ve been such a surprise, a pleasant one. You keep me on my toes and… I’m not going to lie—when I look at you, I can look at you from a professional point of view and see all the things I could do with you. But from a personal point of view…I’m scared, too. It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about opening myself up to a relationship. And, in all fairness, I don’t think I’m quite there yet. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to explore what’s going on between us. But, like you, I am trying to figure out what that is exactly.”

  The honesty from Alexandra was refreshing. She knew exactly how hard it was to open up about something that made you feel vulnerable. Still, when Alexandra had said that she wasn’t the only one who felt something, Julia’s heart had skipped a beat. She grabbed the mug in front of her and closed her hands around it. “I am so used to running away from my feelings,” she said. “I don’t understand why I’m talking about all of this now with all the concern of discussing this week’s credit report.”

  Alexandra chuckled. “I honestly th
ink you hit your head so hard, it numbed your inhibitions. I’m sure at some point you’ll end up reverting back to keeping these thoughts to yourself. And…perhaps, so will I. Maybe we can agree to try not to do that. And when one of us does, we can call each other out on it.”

  “That sounds fair.”

  Alexandra walked away to get their breakfast. Everything about her seemed so perfect—from the way her dark hair fell around her shoulders, to the scar that almost disappeared behind a perfectly arched brow, only to reveal the most intense brown eyes Julia had ever seen.

  “I see I deserved eggs on toast.”

  Alexandra put the breakfast plate and a mug in front of her. “So you did.” Alexandra put a forkful of food into her own mouth. “What do we do now?”

  “I never pictured you as the type who’d talk with her mouth full,” Julia chortled.

  “I’m full of surprises, Ms. Quinn.”

  “So you keep saying. I’ll be honest. I’ve perfected the art of running. When people push my buttons or when I feel trapped, I run and never look back. So far, that has worked out perfectly for me.”

  “Not with me, it hasn’t.” Alexandra pointed a fork in Julia’s direction.

  “I know,” Julia murmured.

  “Can we make a deal?” Alexandra waited for Julia to nod. “If you feel the need to run, tell me. If it’s space you need, tell me. This house is big enough. There are plenty of places for you to run to and be alone for as long as you need while still being safe.”

  “Okay. I can do that.” She stopped just before taking a sip from her mug. “Wait. I thought you said I couldn’t have coffee?” It was utterly endearing to see the slight flush on Alexandra’s cheeks, and when she averted her eyes Julia knew Alexandra had been embarrassed about the honest mistake.

  “I forgot. Force of habit. Give me that mug.” She held out her hand, her brows still furrowed as Julia handed it over. “Is there anything that I can do to make you feel more comfortable?”

  “I need time to come to terms with some stuff. I would like to get to know you, and while I understand that BDSM is a part of you, there is a whole other side of you that I have yet to get to know.”

  “Fair enough,” Alexandra said. “Please be patient with me. I will make mistakes.”

  “We both will make mistakes.”

  “So, what is it that you want to do today?”

  “Maybe if the weather isn’t too bad, we can go for a walk?”

  “That’s a bad idea. You have a concussion, and you need your rest. At least for a couple of days until you start to feel better. You may feel okay now, but I’m positive it won’t last.”

  Julia pushed her chair back and moved to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “So what am I allowed to do?”

  “You could read a book or watch a movie. Or you could talk and get to know me. If you have questions, I will probably have answers.” She motioned for Julia to follow her, grabbed their plates from the table, and opened one of the sliding doors with her foot. “Sit.”

  Julia sat down on one of the lounge chairs and pulled her knees up. “Thank you,” she said when Alexandra handed her plate back to her. “I don’t understand why the sun is shining today. Couldn’t it have done that yesterday?”

  “Maybe it’s a message from the universe.” She took the seat next to Julia’s.

  “Do you believe in that?”

  “Hmm. Not really. But if it keeps you from running away again, then yes, I believe.”

  “What’s your favorite childhood memory?”

  “Oh! Right into the heavy stuff, hmm?” A smile spread on her face. “Samuel and I once went fishing at the cove that I showed you. He had been nagging me to go for days, and I finally gave in. He tried to be real tough and kept saying he wanted to get all the fish off the hooks. We didn’t catch anything for hours, and then suddenly he started screaming like a banshee. He was so excited about having caught a fish, but when he reeled in the line and saw it, he dropped his fishing pole and ran straight back to the house. When I caught up with him, he acted like nothing had happened.”

  Julia chuckled. She loved how animated Alexandra was with her hands as she recalled the memory. They flew all over the place as Alexandra’s excitement grew. It was something Julia hadn’t noticed before about her, and it was absolutely endearing. “Not so tough after all, huh?”

  “Not at all. Eventually, he admitted that the fish looked gross and that it made faces at him. A week later, my grandpa went fishing, took him along, and gutted the fish right in front of him. Samuel passed out. He likes to act like a tough guy, but when it comes down to it, he doesn’t have the balls.”

  “And you do?”

  “Why yes, Ms. Quinn! I can catch a fish and gut it like the best of ’em!” Alexandra grinned at the grimace on Julia’s face. “You’re not scared of fish, are you?”

  “No, but I think I agree with your brother. It seems gross.”

  “I have a fishing pole around somewhere. I’m sure we can test that theory when you’re feeling better.”

  “I’d rather not. What if we catch a shark?” Julia exclaimed.

  “I am confident that my fishing pole would be no match for the sharks around here.” Alexandra chuckled. “You might catch a lionfish, though. They are a true exquisite delicacy.”

  “As long as you’re the one who puts the worm on the hook, it’s all fine by me.”

  “I will, but only if you tell me about your favorite memory.”

  Her eyes welled up at the emotional question. “I think most of my happy memories were from the time I was with my second foster family. For the first time, I truly felt like I belonged somewhere, you know?” Julia blinked away a tear. “My foster mom was one of kindest women I’ve ever encountered. It’s hard to pick a favorite memory, though. Maybe it’s the book she bought me for my birthday.” Julia cleared her throat. “‘To Julia, my beautiful little swan that you’ll always be. Love, Mom.’ I will never forget that inscription. I think that’s my favorite memory.” She looked sideways at Alexandra. “Is that too cheesy?”

  “Not at all. I think that’s beautiful. You should cherish that, especially in moments where your world turns dark. Those are the kind of memories that can bring back the light.”

  “I like your way with words,” Julia said. “She would have liked you.”

  Alexandra bit her lip. “Have you ever thought about finding her? Making contact with her again?”

  “Not really. It was so hard for me to adjust to the fact that they took me away from that family. Like I said, I never understood why. No one told me. One day, a social worker showed up, grabbed my hand, and put me in the car. My foster mom cried her eyes out. I remember that, but I never saw her again. I doubt she even remembers me after all this time.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true. Perhaps, when you’re ready, it would be worth looking into.”

  “Maybe.” Julia didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Before coming to Shadow Haven, she had buried that bit of her past so deep, it was hard to talk about. Thankfully, Alexandra caught on and didn’t push.

  “Did growing up the way you did make you hesitant to have children of your own? I mean, do you want children?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve never really given it much thought. I don’t know how suitable I would be as a mother, but I think if I were planning on having children, I would look at adopting one before going through the whole pregnancy process. There are plenty of children out there who need a home.”

  Alexandra smiled. “That’s really thoughtful of you. I’ve never really seen myself as the motherly type either. Sometimes I think I’m too coldhearted to be around children.”

  “You’re hardly coldhearted,” Julia said.

  “Depends on who you ask,” Alexandra said. “I can’t imagine bringing a kid here, especially since they would be a whole lot harder to find if they ran off.”

  “You could always put them on a leash. Surely you have a few of those.”

&nb
sp; “I do,” Alexandra said matter-of-factly. “Hardly appropriate to put on children, though.” She winked at Julia.

  “So where do you live when you’re not here?”

  “I have a house on the mainland, but I’m hardly ever there. It’s not as extravagant as the cabin. I prefer to spend my time here. I enjoy the solitude. Whenever I need to be in the city, I mostly travel around anyway. But like I said, the only time I really ever get off the island is when it’s hurricane season.”

  “What made you decide to stay this time?”

  “Honestly? I think I need to rediscover what this place means to me. I don’t regret using the island to meet my clients, but sometimes it can feel as if I’m always working. I wanted to get back the feeling of being here and not being at work.”

  “And then I showed up,” Julia said, her voice subdued.

  “You did. But I am enjoying your company, and I’m not working, so I still got what I wanted.”

  Julia smiled. “Would you tell me if you wanted to be alone? I wouldn’t want to take up all your time with my concussion drama.”

  “Trust me. If I want alone time, you’ll be the first to know. So far, I’ve not yet had the desire.”

  They spent the better part of the afternoon just talking and getting to know one another. Eventually Alexandra noticed that Julia’s answers were getting shorter and shorter. “Tired, Julia?”

  “I’m not gonna lie. My head is still killing me.”

  “Go lie down on the couch, get some sleep. Do you want another aspirin?”

  “Yeah, that would be good.” She stood up and yawned loudly as she stretched her limbs.

  “Come on, then.” Alexandra closed the sliding doors behind them and grabbed a glass of water and an aspirin for Julia, who took it with a thankful smile.

  “Speaking of gross things, aspirin is definitely not my favorite,” Julia said as she made herself comfortable on the couch.

  “You big baby,” Alexandra said with a chuckle as she covered Julia up with a blanket. “Get some sleep. I’ll wake you when it’s time for dinner.” She moved to walk away.