Cold My Heart: A Novel of King Arthur

by Sarah Woodbury

  “Of course,” the King said.

  Nell broke in. “I surveyed your infirmary earlier, my lord, I made a satchel of herbs and linens in preparation for the aftermath of the fight and the number of wounded who’d need attention.”

  “Very well,” Arthur said, his puzzlement turning to amusement that Myrddin and Nell had taken matters into their own hands. “You have leave to go. However, I will come as well.”

  A few minutes later, Myrddin pulled Nell behind him on Cadfarch again. She didn’t resist, placing her hands around his waist as before.

  “Are you well?” Without apology, Nell had already inspected Myrddin’s armor, surcoat, and head for damage, and now she patted down his arms and sides, checking for wounds.

  “I took a hard fall with Wulfere beneath me. Otherwise, I’m uninjured,” Myrddin said. “Although, I find that I am too old for this.”

  For the first time since they’d met, she gave him a genuine laugh. Myrddin was glad. She’d had little reason for amusement these last two days and there wasn’t going to be much smiling in the coming hours. Regardless of the victory, they had injured men, and dead ones, and loved ones to inform of the loss.

  Arriving at Penrhyn, Arthur strode up the steps to the hall while his company—with the exception of Nell and Myrddin—stayed with their horses. Gareth met him at the entryway. Wounded men lay spread across the floor in the same chaos that followed every battle. Myrddin swallowed hard at the sight of so much blood. He never got used to it, and it was probably better that he didn’t.

  “I have something to show you,” Gareth said to the King, minus his customary formal greeting.

  Arthur didn’t blink at the impertinence but gestured as if to say lead on! Gareth turned on his heel and led the way to the back of the hall and then through a doorway on the right. Myrddin followed, unsure if he should come too but as he wasn’t stopped, came anyway.

  They entered a hallway that had several small rooms leading off of it. Gareth turned into the first doorway on the left, striding straight through it. Arthur came to an abrupt halt on the threshold. Myrddin managed to stop before he ran into the King’s back. After a ten-second contemplation, King Arthur continued forward while Myrddin hovered in the doorway. Gareth’s cousin lay on a pallet on the floor. He wasn’t dead, but didn’t appear to have long to live.

  King Arthur directed his attention at the wounded man who stared up at him. “I loved your father and grandfather,” Arthur said.

  “Sir.” The man’s voice was stronger than it should have been given the enormous hole in his midsection. Even if the King gave them the opportunity, neither Myrddin nor Nell would be able to do anything for him.

  “I couldn’t leave him on the beach,” Gareth said. Myrddin sensed defensiveness rather than anger or sadness in his clipped words, but Arthur didn’t remark on the reasons Gareth had brought his cousin to Penrhyn, despite the order to leave no survivors. Given the difficulties among the members of Arthur’s own family over the years, he undoubtedly understood them.

  “Why?” Arthur said, his patrician nose aimed at the man on the floor.

  This man, Hywel, along with his two brothers, Rhys and Llywelyn, both churchman, had swung over to Modred’s side five years before when Modred had consolidated his alliance with the Mercians—and again pressed his claim to the Welsh throne even though Arthur still lived. Once Modred had agreed to a treaty with King Arthur, the brothers had returned to Eryri as if they’d never betrayed Wales. Since then, as one could imagine, their interactions with the King had been stilted, taking place in formal situations where they all avoided speaking to each other.

  Hywel attempted a shrug. “My father was the youngest son. Our inheritance wasn’t enough for the three of us to share. My brothers and I agreed that if one of us joined Modred, we all would.” That didn’t explain everything, of course, as Gareth had many brothers too and he still stood beside the King.

  “How noble of you.” Gareth looked down his nose at Hywel, in imitation of the King.

  “I can’t say it was my first choice,” Hywel said, “but Rhys and Llywelyn insisted on it.”

  “Rhys is a supercilious, avaricious snake and a disgrace to the Church and the cloth he wears,” Gareth said, “and Llywelyn is no better. Were they also at Llanfaes?”

  “Yes,” Hywel said, selling out his brothers without compunction.

  King Arthur’s face grew even more rigid. Gareth pursed his lips. Gareth’s family had gotten themselves into a mare’s nest of shifting allegiances, but it looked as if at least one of them was about to be released from his burden.

  “Modred bought you with the promise of land?” King Arthur said. “That was enough to sell out your country? To take up arms against your companions and loved ones? Against me?”

  “I have a family,” Hywel said. “I have to think of them. It is a choice any man would make.”

  Arthur snorted his disbelief. “Inform me when he’s dead.” He turned on his heel and strode out of the room before anyone else could speak.

  Myrddin had ducked through the doorway and into the room before the King reached him and now stayed, leaning against the wall in case Gareth had need of him. Myrddin shared the King’s loathing for Gareth’s cousin. But he’d been a soldier long enough to turn physician, and it was the latter role that prevented him from leaving the room.

  Hywel tipped up his chin to look at the exposed rafters that formed the frame of the ceiling. “I don’t need your forgiveness,” he told Gareth.

  “Good,” Gareth said. “Because you don’t have it.” Gareth had been gazing out the window into the courtyard of his manor, and now glanced over at Myrddin. “You can go.”

  Myrddin had noted Hywel’s glazed eyes, so didn’t yet obey Gareth, taking a step towards the wounded man. “I can fetch some wine,” Myrddin said. “He doesn’t have to suffer this much.”

  Gareth swung around to face Myrddin full on. In contrast to the anger in his voice, his eyes showed tears he’d so far refused to shed. “Doesn’t he?”

  It was strange to see Gareth in this light. He rarely revealed anything of himself; he’d brushed off the betrayal of his cousins like a man would flick a crumb from his shirt. Gareth appeared different to Myrddin today, more emotional and passionately Welsh. Perhaps I’m not the only one among the King’s men who’s had an epiphany in the last few days.

  Myrddin countered Gareth’s obstinate glare with a calm face and nodded his acceptance of his wishes. “As you say, my lord.” Myrddin left the room, although once he passed through the doorway and was out of sight, he froze in mid-stride at a sudden sound emitting from the open door behind him. Myrddin made to return, and then thought better of it. It wasn’t Hywel in his death throes that he’d heard, but Gareth, choking back a sob.

  “Hold my hand.” Gareth’s boots scraped on the wooden floor as he crouched beside his cousin.

  Myrddin turned away. He could do nothing for either of them.

  * * * * *

  Chapter Six

  7 November 537 AD

  “Don’t turn around, but we’re no longer alone,” Myrddin said.

  Nell glanced up from the man she was tending, a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth. “You mean we were alone before? There’s two dozen wounded men in front of you.”

  “Lord Cai is here.”

  “And you don’t like him,” she said.

  “I grew up under the roof of one of his men. A man named Madoc. My foster brother, Deiniol, still serves him,” Myrddin said.

  “And from the venom in your voice, those are days you’d prefer to forget,” Nell said.

  Myrddin didn’t answer, instead blanking his expression as Cai came to a halt at the head of the man they tended. Cai held his helmet under one arm. He appeared to have traveled through the night to reach Penrhyn at this early hour. Myrddin stood, more comfortable in this lord’s presence on his feet, and moved to a spot that half-blocked Nell from view. He couldn’t help it; he wanted to protect h
er, even if reason told him that for all Cai’s perfidy—he’d conspired to murder Arthur once after all—the notion that he presented any kind of threat today was more than ridiculous.

  “Will he die?” Cai said.

  They all looked down at the man. Myrddin hadn’t recognized the soldier as a member of Arthur’s company. Cai’s presence revealed that he might be part of his household, much as Myrddin’s foster father had been and Deiniol still was. “I cannot say as yet, my lord.” The title stuck in Myrddin’s throat. “It’s likely.”

  The door to the hall swung open and Arthur appeared, striding across the floor towards his brother. “Your man fought well, I understand,” Arthur said as he approached the group, gesturing at the prone body on the floor.

  “So Gareth said,” said Cai. The brothers didn’t clasp forearms as would have been customary and their eyes met for half a second before they flicked away. Disconcertingly, Myrddin found Arthur observing him. He hastily half-turned, so as to impose less on the brothers’ conversation.

  “Why are you here, Cai?” Arthur’s voice remained mild, but the question was abrupt.

  “I understand that Modred sits at Denbigh,” Cai said.

  “That is true,” Arthur said.

  “Those are my lands,” Cai said. “My castle.”

  “I’ve said that we will get it back,” Arthur said. “Our recent victory puts Modred in a difficult position, unable to force either the Straits or the Conwy River. When we are ready, we will push him and his Saxon allies out of Gwynedd.”

  “When?”

  “Soon.”

  “You promised me this weeks ago.”

  “It was you who lost control of those lands,” Arthur said. “From my castle at Dolwyddelan, you have the power to prevent Modred from advancing on us through the mountains. Our southern allies will see that the winds blow our way and together we will force Modred out of Wales, once and for all.”

  “You know the solution to our problems.” Cai pushed closer to King Arthur, who stood his ground.

  “We’ve discussed this before. Now is not the time.”

  “Modred must die.”

  Arthur made an impatient movement with his hand, which Cai ignored, pressing on undeterred. He put his face into Arthur’s, so close their noses were a hand span apart. As Arthur was four inches taller, it had the effect of forcing Cai to look upwards, like a boy facing down a man. Myrddin couldn’t help listening, although Nell had the modesty to look away so neither man would see her staring. Again, Arthur caught Myrddin’s eye for a heartbeat, and then answered his brother.

  “He is our nephew, Cai. I will countenance no further discussion of the matter.”

  “Then perhaps you don’t have the balls to be the King of Wales,” Cai said. “But then we knew that already, didn’t we?”

  Cai shot these last words at King Arthur in a loud hiss that had the unfortunate effect of carrying throughout the hall. His words sucked all the air from the room. Cai didn’t appear to care—and remarkably, was still breathing himself since Arthur had the restraint to keep his sword sheathed and his brother in one piece. Cai shoved past Arthur, knocking into his shoulder as he strode towards the door of the hall.

  The offensive—and unfair—comment referred to the fact that in his long life, Arthur had fathered one child, a daughter, and no sons. As a result, it was either Cai or Modred who remained Arthur’s heir, both with two legitimate sons to follow them. Myrddin could understand Arthur’s pain. He’d bedded many women, but never fathered a child either—or at least none whose mother had named him. In Wales, a bastard was accounted as legitimate if his father acknowledged him. Therefore, nothing could be gained from hiding his identity; no mother would choose it.

  Well, except mine.

  Arthur didn’t turn to watch his brother go, standing as Cai had left him, hands clasped behind his back, legs spread, and staring at the far wall of the hall. An enormous boar’s head hung above the fireplace; rumor had it that Gareth and his brother Gawain together had brought it down. Myrddin didn’t doubt it.

  “You two,” Arthur said, pointing at Nell and Myrddin with his chin, “will return to Garth Celyn.” Myrddin turned towards him, surprised, and King Arthur moved closer. “Have either of you slept?”

  Myrddin glanced at Nell and shook his head. This was one of the reasons Arthur was a great King. He could brush off his brother’s insults in favor of concern for his own people. It was one of the many contradictions about him. Depending on whom one talked to, Arthur was worth dying for because of who he was and the position he held, or he was an arrogant son-of-a bitch whose regard for his own power was paramount. He wore his status and dignity with kingly bearing, while at the same time was obnoxiously protective of them. He carried a vision of a united Wales, but had fought and schemed for nearly forty years to hold onto what was his. And yet, despite his faults, there was nobody more suited to ruling Wales than he—and his people knew it. Myrddin knew it.

  “You’re no use to me exhausted. I want your full report this time, Myrddin.” Arthur turned away and began walking towards the front doors. “I understand you were the one who brought down Wulfere.”

  “Yes, my lord,” Myrddin said.

  Arthur waved a hand, gesturing to Gareth who’d just come into the hall from the rooms beyond it. “Myrddin is with me.”

  Gareth nodded.

  Arthur marched toward the entry doors, expecting Nell and Myrddin to follow. Myrddin took a long step after him before he noticed that Nell hadn’t moved.

  Myrddin looked back at her. “He meant you as well.”

  His comment shook Nell out of her reverie and she hurried to walk beside him. “I know,” she said. “But why?”

  “I don’t even know why he wants me to come,” Myrddin said.

  “You are a most trusted companion.” Nell stated this as a truth.

  “Three days ago, I wouldn’t have said that was the case.”

  And that, when he examined the facts, was his own fault. He’d lived no differently from every other man in his position: he fought battles and drank himself to sleep afterwards; he caroused with the other warriors and made love to any woman who’d consent to share his bed. He’d been an oft-chosen messenger for the King, and perhaps Arthur’s sudden confidence in him was a natural outgrowth of Myrddin’s ability to perform his duties as he asked. Still, Myrddin found it odd that just at the point he was ready to step forward, to take on more of a leadership role than he ever had before, and had practically forced himself upon his betters, Arthur had decided to accept him.

  It had been dark in the hall, the few windows letting in glimmers of light. He and Nell had doctored the men by torchlight, so it wasn’t until they exited the hall for the courtyard of the manor house that Myrddin realized the sun had risen and moved well into the sky. Nell bent her head to inspect her blood-spattered skirt and made an unhappy face. Arthur had already mounted his horse, surrounded by escorts. Perhaps he’d been astride when Cai had arrived and taken the opportunity to speak to him when he had the chance.

  “There will be clothes for you at Garth Celyn,” Myrddin said to Nell, mounting when the boy brought Cadfarch to him and hauling her up behind. It was a short ride to the castle from Penrhyn, and as before, they would take the road along the coast, riding down from the heights into the valley and then back up again to the hill on which Garth Celyn perched.

  Nell wrapped her arms around Myrddin’s waist and pressed her face into the back of his cloak. “So much death,” she said. “How do you live with it?”

  “Do I?” Myrddin said. “Is it any wonder that most men drink themselves into a stupor every night, rather than see the faces of the men who’ve fallen by their hands, or the faces of their friends who died instead of them?”

  “You killed Wulfere,” she said.

  “I did.”

  Nell sat silent for a heartbeat. “And that man at St. Asaph too. In defense of me.”

  “Yes,” he said. “I’ve killed more
men then I can count and will kill many more.”

  “How do you live with it?”

  “It’s changed over the years, Nell. That first man—him I killed with an arrow. We were screened from the Saxons by trees, trying to pick them off one-by-one. It’s dangerous work because there’s always the fear that the enemy will charge into the wood to find you. Late in the day, I hit a man right through the neck and he toppled off his horse. I was not alone in that. We killed a dozen more before we retreated.”

  “And what did you feel?”

  “Nothing,” Myrddin said, “at least not at first, not for hours. It came as a shock to me that killing could be the easiest thing in the world. One second the man was alive, laughing among his fellows, and then he was on the ground, felled by my arrow. At the time, when it first happened, I was so surprised all I could think was, I did it! That wasn’t so hard! It was the difference between taking a breath and letting it out.”

  Nell’s arms were around his waist, holding on. “And then?” It warmed him that she knew him well enough already to know there had to be an ‘and then’.

  “And then I woke in the night and couldn’t get the man out of my head: watching the arrow hit, watching him fall. One of the men allowed me to sob in his arms. It was only then I realized they all knew, even as they congratulated me, that this was coming.”

  “How old were you?”

  Myrddin’s chest rose and fell as he breathed in more of the cold air. “I’d just turned seventeen,” he said.

  Nell made a sympathetic noise which Myrddin brushed off.

  “And after that?” she said.

  “I’ve killed so many times, Nell, with bow and sword. At first, I wouldn’t expect to actually kill anyone, even in the midst of a battle. After that . . .” Myrddin paused. “After that, I learned to expect it, to admit my regrets, and to understand that I would owe penance for every soul I took. It remains a dreadful necessity.”