A Lover's Mentality

by Sade L. Collins

  “Ugh! Kenya, let me be! Daaaang,” I say, kicking away Kenya hands as she tries to tickle my feet.

  “Get out the bed, Mya. Your plants need watering, dishes need cleaning, trash need to be taken out … you need to really get it together.”

  “I just want to be alone, Kenya, and get my thoughts together.”

  “You have been alone for some days, girl. It’s Sunday! I hope you don’t think you are missing out on work tomorrow.”

  Climbing out of the bed, I look at Kenya and smirk. “Girl, I’m up, okay? You happy now?”

  “Very much so. So what are we doing today?” Kenya asks, following me into the kitchen..

  “Honestly, I’m just chilling.”

  “Girl, get it together. You and Shame are too in love and will likely get over this shit.”

  With Kenya on my heels, I walk into my messy kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Kenya,” I say as I quench my thirst. “If we ever try again, I don’t know if it’ll be the final time. If you don’t believe me then listen to my eyes,” I state as tears welled up in them.

  “Girl,” Kenya says as she pulls me in close for a hug. “Stop all that crying, Mya. You are showing that your heart is weak, and you are better than that!”

  “I don’t know what’s up with me, Kenya. All these emotions over Shame are overwhelming. At times, I feel as if we should be together. But when he called the relationship off instead of me, I’m like, damn, was I the one wrong?”

  “Look, Yemya, the world has a lot to offer. You should never ever feel like your life revolves around one man. Look at what you have been through with Shame, and you call that love? Love doesn’t make you feel like you should abort your unborn, and it shouldn’t make you have doubts or deal with drama with other females, boo. Love is not worth the pain if it’s causing your heart and mind to torture.”

  In all, I know Kenya is right. Yet I keep wishing I could be with Shame all day long like it used to be. I wonder why I can’t imagine my life without him. There comes a point in time where I know I have to let go of something. God is removing him from my life for a reason, and I just have to accept it and walk away.

  Although I feel as if I should be mean to him, which makes me feel bad at the same time, the thought of having resentment also makes me feel better. I am hurting without Shame and he wasn’t around to see my pain. Love in a way can hurt like hell if you let it. If your heart and mind isn’t strong enough to fight off the disease, it can inflict a lot on you as a person. It took Shame and I to break up for me to realize that. At the end of the day, I begin to feel vulnerable to point where my mind is off of Shame and back on other guys, like PJ and Darryl.

  18

  “Time to bounce Yemya back …”

  Somehow, Andreyia and I got our friendship back on track. I told her about the abortion and it hurt me to see the tears fall from her eyes in disbelief as they did with mine as I told her what I have been through since then. Like always, she listened and consoled me as I broke down over the abortion and over my relationship with Shame. Like always, she was there for me when no one else knew what was going on.

  That’s what true friends do—argue and fight like sisters and stick together like glue. Regardless of the harsh words that were spoken between us, it never did affect the love that we have for each other. After coming over to my apartment a few days ago, Andreyia and I shared a long conversation over Cîroc, rotel, and tears.

  “Bitch, is you going to get out and hit the African American Benefit Social today?” Andreyia asks over phone.

  “I don’t know, Dreyia, I wasn’t planning on it. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m going to wear,” I sigh into the phone.

  “Girl, what you going to do is pick me up so we can go to the mall.”

  I glance at the time; it’s 11:42 a.m. I haven’t decided to go to the social, because I know I’m going to run into Shame’s ass. But then again, looking good and feeling good is something that I need to feel.

  “Yeah, Dreyia, you are right. I do need to get out. Hell, maybe I would run into a new boo just to pull me away from Shame’s ass. I’m going to hit the shower then be on my way,” I say.

  “You so crazy,” she laughs into the phone as I mention Shame.

  “I’m serious. I need to get over him, so be ready. I’ll be leaving in just a minute. I have to throw on something and do my hair.”

  “Okay, boo,” Andreyia says. “I’ll just take Ray’s car and meet you there.”

  “Okay cool, sounds like a plan,” I say before ending our phone call.

  After hanging up with Dreyia, I creep over to my wall mirror. Giving myself a once-over look, I realize I am too damn fine to feel lost on love with Shame. I really need to get out and enjoy myself and see what new man I can find lurking. Hopping into the shower, I think about the moments that Shame and I had together; wondering if they will be so gone memories. I am at the point where I shouldn’t care anymore. I mean, he made his bed now he has to lie in it. After rinsing the soapsuds off my body and stepping out of the tub, I stand in front of my vanity mirror wiping away the fog so I can see my reflection. “It was good while it lasted,” I say to myself. Sometimes I just need a little reassurance, a reminder to let me know that life choices aren’t all that bad unless you make it that way.

  I contemplated on what I am going to wear today. Hell, me and my girls plan on hitting the social later. Dreyia and I got our navels pierced so I want to show up and show out by flaunting my figure. I pull out my panties and bra along with my jean shorts and a nice shirt to wear to the mall. My hair was already fresh and needed just a little touch up, so I plug in my flat irons and curling irons.

  While getting ready, I think about running into Shame. We haven’t seen each other in some days, and when he sees me I want him to realize what he has been missing out on. Of course, at this time as I think about what outfit to wear. I have the dire need to want to dress to impress. Hell, the whole Chatt will be at this event. It’s a once-a-year thing, so you know we have to hit this joint.

  As I finish curling my hair into a Boston wrap, I look at myself in the mirror. “Yemya, if it was meant to be it will be.” I sigh as I walk out of my bedroom, turning off the light.

  Sometimes when you love something, you just have to learn to let it go. That’s what I’ve been constantly telling myself about Shame, but it is so hard. It’s so hard to try to forget and let go of something that’s been a part of your life for a while … you just can’t let that shit go. Whoever says that they stopped loving someone with ease is a damn lie. You have to tell yourself that sometimes if you put it apart of your thoughts then it becomes a part of you.

  I head outside and walk up to my Impala, unlocking the door with the remote. Stepping into the car and starting the ignition, I skim through the XM radio station until I heard Keisha Cole’s “Trust and Believe” playing. I turn up the volume and speed out of the parking lot in search of a new me.

  Merging on Interstate I75, heading toward the mall to meet my girls, I think about the event we are so excited to be getting fly for. My girls and I know that we are top notch so we are dressing to turn heads. Besides, I want to catch Shame’s attention and stunt as if he isn’t shit to me. When deep down I just want him to notice me, to want me … to come after me.

  Pulling into the Hamilton Place mall, after spending ten minutes on finding a parking spot I located one then parked. Stepping out of the car, I check to make sure that everything on me is in place and I smell good. As I head toward the entrance, I give my best friend a ring.

  “Hello,” Dreyia says.

  “Hey, boo, where y’all at?” I question as I walk toward Victoria’s Secret.

  “You here?”

  “Yes, I am here. That’s why I called. I’m at Victoria’s Secret purchasing some lip gloss,” I say as I walk to the rack that holds different flavors of lip gloss. It never fails; they always have the five for $20 sale. I eagerly picked out five different flavors of lip gloss
.

  “You hungry? I am about to come down there to go to Chick-fil-A to grab a bite or something.”

  “Um, yeah, I can eat,” I say as I get in line behind a blonde-haired customer with a hand full of lingerie. “Have you already gotten your outfit?” I ask.

  “Nah, I haven’t gotten it,” she says. “I just got here. You still at Victoria’s Secret?” she asks.

  “Yeah, I’m standing in line. There’s three people in front of me.

  “Okay, here I come,” Andreyia says before hanging up.

  “Hey, Yemya!”

  Looking around to see who was calling my name, I know it can’t be Dreyia. She couldn’t have gotten here that quick. Standing a few feet away is wide-hipped Diamond Jenkins dressed in all black wearing her Victoria’s Secret name tag.

  “Hey, Diamond!” I say, waving at her, praying that she doesn’t walk in my direction. “Man, I hope she keep it moving,” I mumbled to myself. Nosey-ass Diamond, she has more nose than she have ass stirring up all kind of shit.

  Walking toward me, she’s loudly saying, “Girl, I haven’t seen you since we graduated! Are you here buying lingerie?” she asks as she stepped next to me ready to hold a conversation. I sure wasn’t expecting to see her here, and knowing her history of sleeping with a lot of guys made me leery about where this conversation was going. Glancing ahead of the line, I pray that the young black cashier will hurry so I can avoid Diamond from being in my face.

  “I can take someone over here!” I hear another woman say.

  “Girl, I know! It’s been awhile and no I’m getting more lip gloss,” I quickly say to Diamond as I jump into the new line that opened up.

  “Oh, girl, we have some lingerie on sale,” Diamond says as she follows me to the next register.

  “Oh, for real, I’m kind of in a hurry today, Diamond,” I say nonchalantly. “How long are they on sale?” I question just to give her a little benefit.

  “Girl, until Wednesday. You—”

  “Hey, Diamond!” Andreyia says as she walks over.

  “Hey, boo!” Diamond says excitedly. “What you doing here?”

  “Twenty-four dollars and thirty-two cents,” says the cashier as she places my items in a Victoria’s Secrets bag. They have to get smaller bags. I have five damn lip glosses in this big-ass bag I think as I hand her twenty-five dollars.

  “Thank you,” she says. “Would you like your receipt in the bag?

  “Yes, thank you,” I say.

  “Mya and I are trying to find something to wear to the social today. Are you going?” Dreyia asks Diamond.

  “Yes, girl, you know that whole Chatt going to be there. What time y’all going?” Diamond asks as she glances at her watch. “I’m about to get off at two, we can go together. By the time I get off y’all should be ready.”

  I hear the breaks hit in my head. Oh, hell naw, this bitch wasn’t included in nothing with me. Hell to the naw! She’s too messy. Before I can butt in with my input, Andreyia says, “How about we meet you there? We already have a car full as it is. So, girl, we’ll just get up with you at the social.”

  Wiping the “oh no she ain’t” look from my face, I smile at Diamond. “Yeah, how about that Diamond? ’Cause Mekia, Brooke, and Briana is riding with me, so there’s definitely no room in my whip.”

  “Okay, Dreyia, I’ll call y’all when I get there,” Diamond says. “What y’all about to do now?.” she asks.

  “Oh, girl, eat and find something to look fly in!” Dreyia says with much sassiness in her tone.

  Shaking my head, I know my best friend is telling the truth. My girls and I have a classy reputation, meaning our record is clean sexually. Not only that, we all have the bodies and looks of models. You can you say that we are the most wanted and the most respected in the city because of our mentalities. We know what it is when it comes to our reputation, dignity, and appearance. We hear about too many females around the city with dirt and bones in their backyards to the point that we all are like hell naw—men disrespect and talk bad about “going” females and females who are just bad off to just being fucked and that’s it. My girls and I are loyal to our reputations; we are what niggas want to have relations with.

  Where we came from, there were slim to none on people having relations. Everyone was fucking and having babies. It’s an epidemic in our city; it’s so small that everyone you know has slept with someone you know. Simple as that. The city itself knows your business whether it was on Facebook or word of mouth—hats goes off to the gossipers like Diamond.

  “Okay, well, I’ll hit you then,” Diamond says as she walks away.

  “You’re so mean, Mya”

  “What?” I innocently ask as we walk to the food court.

  “I just know you.”

  “That bitch scandalous and you know it, Dreyia.”

  “You make it so obvious on how you feel. Sometimes you just have to be fake toward fake people. That’s how shit goes. You, on the other hand, are so blunt. You should have seen the look on your face when she mentioned going with us.

  “Was it that obvious?”

  “Yes! Very obvious.”

  “Well, you know I don’t care too much for her. I distance myself from those crowds. That gossiping shit is something I don’t like. I can’t deal. And you know what? I know she was about to ask me about Shame before you walked up. Nosey heifer.”

  Andreyia laughs. “You a trip, man.”

  “I’m just saying. I don’t have that messy shit to do.”

  “What are we going to eat?” she asks as we look at the different selections of food.

  “I know what I want,” I say as I walk over to the Chinese Express line. There is something about Chinese food that differentiates itself from American. The shit is so damn good, the sesame chicken, vegetable rice—all that!

  “I’ll have that too, it smells good,” Dreyia say as she stands in line behind me. “Girl, I am so ready to eat something,” she says as we began to place our orders.

  I think about my friendship with Dreyia and her statement about being fake to fake people. It makes me wonder if she does the same with me. I mean, I hear her say so many times, “She just calls me her friend, but I’m really not that close to her.” You know, when people tell you shit on how they do other people, or what they say about other people then be fake in their face—you wonder if that façade has ever been used on you. Me, on the other hand, it’s whatever. If I’m not cool with you, if I don’t like you, then what’s understood don’t need to be explained. No need to fake the funk. But that fake mess … I just can’t help but question the truth to it.

  19

  “There were a hundred times that I would have ask myself … was this love?”

  Part of me wants to apologize for everything. For hurting him, for doubting him, and even for letting my friends and family come between us. When we were together, Shame was my world and everything in it. I know that at times my words can be cold. But it reflects the pain that I feel. In a way, I feel as if the reality of the truth is that Shame didn’t have any intentions of hurting me. He is just a man trapped between a rock and a hard place. Being that Kiara is still pregnant with his son, she manipulated him, causing us to break up. Even though it was Shame’s actions that caused us to fall apart, it was the people in our lives as well.

  I want to work things out with him, just as much as he wants to do the same with me. We are a part of two different worlds. Shame’s world involves his unborn, whom he cares about the most. Yet I am willing to sacrifice everything to prove my love and devotion for someone who is afraid to do the same for me. Though the thought of it makes me feel as if I’ve given up on love and aren’t strong enough to make him see that he was holding back on us, afraid of what Kiara choices may be. That bitch … so damn selfish and just can’t help herself.

  If there was anything that I could change, it would be falling for a guy who was going through the motions with a female he already got pregnant. Never again will I be s
omeone’s second fiddle. Never again will a settle for someone who has already started a family, a situation … hell, something he has yet to officially let go. For that, for me falling for Shame, I caused hurt and confusion upon myself. I caused myself to question love.

  “Mya!” Andreyia says, snapping her fingers in front of my face.

  Snapping out of my daze, I say, “Huh? What?” I look down at my food. I almost forgot that I was in the Hamilton Place food court.

  “Girl, I’ve been talking to you and your mind was somewhere else for like thirty minutes.”

  “Thirty minutes, Dreyia, now you know that you are over exaggerating it a bit,” I laugh.

  “Hell, that’s what it seemed like,” she says with a slight laugh as she continues to eat her lo mein noodles and sweet and sour chicken. “So, where has your mind gone and wandering away from the planet earth?” she inquires.

  I pick at my food. Not wanting to tell her that I am thinking about Shame, but in all I feel like she knows. She just knows me that well. Therefore, lying to her about what was on my mind or even beating around the bush is very recognizable to her coming from me. “Wellllll,” I sigh as I continue to pick around my food, not wanting to look up and into her eyes for her to read me.

  “Well, what, Mya? How long have we been friends? Why are you making this conversation hard on yourself, boo?” she asks.

  Looking at her round, dark brown eyes and her light-brown skin, I sigh. “I am thinking about Shame.”

  “Boo, you know what? I regret me ever hooking y’all up. I mean, I knew about Shame’s rep. I warned you about that nigga and how doggish he is. But I didn’t know you were going to fall in love!”

  “Dreyia, how can you stop someone from loving another person? Shit like that can’t be stopped. Besides, I would never blame you for hooking Shame and I up. Hell, I’ve learned something from it. Although I regret the situation that he was in with Kiara, but oh well, shit happens for a reason, right? So don’t beat yourself up over my love life.”