High-Caliber Concealer

by Bethany Maines

  “Let it go,” said Nikki, shaking her head. “Anyway, then Donny said I used to be shy and that’s why she thought she could get away with that. He says now I sneak up on people.”

  “I could see that,” said Z’ev nodding. “Don’t really see you being shy though.”

  “I was,” she said with a shrug. “If it hadn’t been for Donny and Jackson I wouldn’t have had a friend. All the other kids seemed so with it. And Kristine, the girl who was here, she used to boss everyone around. One time, she told Becky Newmire that she couldn’t wear blue, and she didn’t, for like, three years. If I saw Kristine coming my way, I’d just go hide in the giant tires on the playground. I didn’t ever speak up—not for Becky Newmire, not for myself. I think that’s something I’ve learned from working at Carrie Mae.”

  “Now you take charge and get what you want,” said Z’ev, miming a Rosie the Riveter pose.

  Nikki laughed. “Yes, that’s me. Come on, we might as well get this over with. Promise you’ll still love me after you meet my mother?”

  “Te amo,” he said, kissing her. “A thousand mothers couldn’t make me love you less.”

  “Yeah, you say that now,” said Nikki.

  August XIV

  Green Acres

  As Z’ev and Nikki pulled up to the house, Nell and Jenny were returning from the pond, towels over their shoulders.

  “Were they bathing in the water tower?” whispered Z’ev and Nikki slapped at him with her free hand.

  “Now is not the time to start being funny,” she hissed back.

  “Well, you let me know when the time is. I’ve got more.”

  “You know, comparing a farming community to Green Acres is not going to endear you to people who actually live here.”

  “Petticoat Junction. Green Acres was later. You must be Nell,” he said walking forward and holding out his hand. “It’s so nice to finally meet you in person.”

  Nell looked at Z’ev’s slacks and tie and beamed.

  “It’s lovely to meet you too! I’m very excited that you could make it. Nikki said you were away on assignment.”

  “I just got back.”

  “How’d you get here so fast?” asked Jenny, trying to work out flight times in her head.

  “I hitched a ride with some friends who were heading this way,” he said.

  “Hitched a ride on what?” Jenny was giving him the suspicious eye.

  “Jenny,” admonished Nell. “You shouldn’t be so pushy.”

  “If Jenny weren’t pushy, I’d think she were ill,” said Z’ev. “It’s all right. One of the good parts of working for the government is having friends in other departments. I hitched a ride on a DEA flight. They dropped me off in Spokane.”

  “Well, that’s exciting!” Nell seemed impressed. “You’ll have to tell us all about it at dinner. Which Jenny and I should go change for.”

  “We’ll meet you in there,” said Nikki, “We have to unload the groceries before the ice melts.”

  “Didn’t you put it in the cooler? She always has a cooler in the back of the car,” said Nell.

  “And now I know why,” said Nikki opening the SUV and pulling out the bag of ice as Z’ev grabbed the entire lot of grocery bags.

  “Already making yourself useful,” said Nell, and Nikki rolled her eyes.

  “I aim to please. Lead the way to the kitchen.”

  “This way.” Nell led him inside. Jenny was making hilarious faces at Nikki. It was all Nikki could do to not laugh and she felt herself relaxing even as the ice dripped in cold rivulets down her arms. Maybe this dinner wouldn’t be straight out of one of the seven rings of hell. Her grandmother was great, her mother was attempting to be nice, and Z’ev was doing his blend in thing. This really was going to be OK.

  The screen door swung open and Nikki looked up, expecting to hear her grandmother’s welcoming voice and light step. Nikki’s own steps faltered as she saw Jackson stride out onto the porch. He had gussied up. He was wearing his good boots—shiny snakeskin. The outfit was complete with an enormous belt buckle, clean jeans, new button-up shirt, and a shave. He had obviously been invited for dinner.

  “What are you doing here?” demanded Nell.

  “He’s holding open the door and letting all the cold air out, waiting for you to bring the ice in,” said Grandma stepping out onto the porch.

  “Clearly he’s here for dinner,” snapped Nikki. “Some people like him.”

  “I’m sure they do,” answered her mother, looking offended. “I simply wasn’t aware he had been invited.” Nell swept past Nikki and onto the porch. “Jackson, it’s nice to see you.” She dropped an icily formal kiss on Jackson’s cheek and proceeded into the kitchen. Jackson, used to such behavior from Nell, calmly let her.

  “Nikki, aren’t you going to introduce us?” asked Grandma, smiling at someone over Nikki’s shoulder. Nikki remembered Z’ev and twitched guiltily.

  “Z’ev Coralles,” said Z’ev waggling a grocery bag at her.

  “Grandma, Z’ev. Z’ev, Peg Connelly,” completed Nikki a second too late. “And this is Jackson, Z’ev.”

  “Jackson Tyrell,” said Jackson.

  “That some people like,” said Z’ev.

  “Apparently,” answered Jackson. “Can’t imagine who.”

  They squared off. Z’ev loomed over the shorter man, but there was a wry sparkle in Jackson’s eye that refused to be intimidated by size. Jackson, tan and freckled under a thatch of unruly brown hair that poked in all directions even when he’d combed it, should have looked puny next to Z’ev, but didn’t. Z’ev, who wore his tie and slacks with the same ease that Jackson wore his snakeskin boots, should have looked like a jumped-up city slicker, but didn’t. They looked oddly alike to Nikki, both possessed of a similar raw energy and tensile strength. It was puzzling Z’ev, she could tell. He wasn’t used to people that could match his force of personality. Nikki found she was holding her breath.

  “Nikki. Nikki, Nikki,” gasped Jenny, hitting Nikki’s arm with each repetition of her name. “You said your ex-boyfriend’s name was Jackson. You didn’t tell me he was The Jackson Tyrell.” Jenny’s Georgian accent redoubled in strength on Jackson’s name.

  “Um…” Nikki looked from Jenny to Jackson. “Yeah?”

  “Oh, my God, I’m in my swimsuit. I’m meeting Jackson Tyrell in a swimsuit.”

  “I like your swimsuit,” said Jackson, grinning.

  And Jenny giggled. She actually giggled.

  “The Jackson Tyrell, meet Jenny Baxter,” said Z’ev.

  “I was in the stands the day you went toe-to-toe with Devil Winder,” gushed Jenny. “I thought I was going to bust a lung from screaming.”

  “Seems fair. I busted my arm.”

  “Yes, well, why don’t we talk about who busted what inside,” said Peg sourly. “So we can stop letting the AC out. Nikki, can you and the big fella carry the groceries into the kitchen?”

  “Who is The Jackson Tyrell?” asked Z’ev as they walked toward the kitchen.

  “He used to do bull-riding and rodeo-clowning. Or whatever the proper way to rodeo clown in past tense is,” said Nikki. “I didn’t realize he was that big a deal. But you know Jenny and the rodeo.”

  “And he’s your ex-boyfriend,” he added, stopping in front of their Senior Prom picture displayed in the line of family photos down the hall. “Nice hair.”

  “Oh, God, don’t look at that.” Nikki pulled him away from the wall and into the kitchen.

  “Still better than my prom picture. I had a ‘fro and a Colonel Sanders suit.”

  “Why haven’t I seen that picture?” demanded Nikki.

  “I don’t know. Why haven’t I met your mother until now?”

  Nikki made a face and didn’t reply.

  “Oh, look how cute you are in this one.” Z’ev stopped in front of a family portrait, one of the few photos with her dad that hadn’t been removed. Three-year-old Nikki’s high cuteness rating had saved the photo from the fireplace wher
e the rest of the photos of Phillipe had ended up. “Nice moustache on your dad.”

  Nikki laughed. “Yeah, he used to rotate his facial hair all the time. Moustache, goatee, clean-shaven. He liked to be creative with his hair.”

  “Makes sense,” said Z’ev.

  “I guess,” said Nikki, puzzled that her father’s rotating facial hair made sense to anyone. “Come on, I’m dripping on the carpet.” She walked into the kitchen and dropped the ice into the sink.

  “Oh good, you brought the ice,” said Ellen, appearing from the basement. “I just got the ice cream machine all set up. Can you bring it down here?”

  “You’re making ice cream?” asked Z’ev. “This is the best vacation ever!”

  “I know, right?” agreed Jane bouncing into the kitchen in a bright orange polyester jumpsuit.

  “Oh, my God,” said Nikki.

  “I know,” said Jane.

  “Holy crap,” said Jackson walking into the kitchen after her. “I think I need my sunglasses.”

  “I know!” Jane seemed ecstatic with the hideousness of her vintage outfit. “Isn’t it awesome? I wish there were a roller rink nearby.”

  “Nikki, your mom and grandma are arguing in the office, so I thought I should come in here to make myself useful,” said Jackson.

  “And get out of firing range, you mean?”

  “Yeah.” He glanced at Jane. “Of course, I didn’t realize the dress code for this evening was Staying Alive. Maybe I should go home and change.”

  Nikki laughed. “No, please don’t. The belt buckle is scaring me enough as it is. I don’t think I could take you in bellbottoms. Can you get the groceries put away? And Z’ev, if you take the ice down to Ellen, I’ll go sort out whatever family drama is unfolding in the office.”

  “What should I do?” asked Jane, fluffing the points on her enormous collar proudly.

  “I would say go change, but I don’t want to make you cry. Can you go make sure Jenny doesn’t overdress, or underdress, as the case may be.”

  “OK,” said Jane with a shrug, floating toward the back stairs.

  Nikki walked down the hall. She could feel the muscles between her shoulder blades tightening as she got closer to the office. She took a deep breath and told herself that everything was going to be fine. She was going to be fine. This extreme mash-up of family, personal life, professional life, and past life was all going to work out fine. No secrets were going to be revealed. Everyone was going to be happy. Everything was going to work out fine.

  The office door slammed open and Nell stomped out. “Your grandmother always tries to ruin everything!”

  “What is she trying to ruin, Mom?”

  Nell hesitated. Had she been working, Nikki would have attacked that moment. That little tiny delay that told her that whatever Nell said next was a lie.

  “She invited Jackson on purpose because she doesn’t approve of Z’ev.”

  “I don’t disapprove of Z’ev,” said Peg. “I don’t know Z’ev. I do know Jackson. And I know that he is a good boy. He’s got plans, a future, and eighty-three acres. You shouldn’t have broken up with him.”

  “He broke up with me, Grandma,” said Nikki, wishing she’d stayed in the kitchen.

  “Well, I bet he’s sorry about it now,” said Peg.

  “That’s kind of irrelevant,” said Nikki. “I’m with Z’ev.”

  “But are you happy, dear?”

  “Grandma!” Nikki floundered. “I’m not having this conversation. This is ridiculous. For once, I’m on Mom’s side.” Nell beamed smugly. “You two wonder why I moved to California? It’s because of conversations like this.”

  “Nonsense,” said Nell. “You moved for the job.”

  “And I was happy to do it. Now, we are going to go back to the kitchen and finish making dinner. Grandma, you are going to be nice to Z’ev. Mom, you are going to be nice to Jackson and we are all going to pretend that we are nice people. I know it’s a stretch, but we are going to make it happen.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Peg. “I’m nice to everyone.” She walked down the hall, her back poker straight, and disapproval in every line.

  “Really, Nikki, you’re behaving so rudely.” Nell swept after Peg and Nikki clunked her head against the office door, once, twice, three times.

  “Well, I think you should stick by Z’ev,” whispered Jenny, tip-toeing down the stairs. “Why would she try and break you two crazy kids up?”

  “Really? A few days ago you said that we should break up.”

  “I didn’t know what I was saying,” said Jenny.

  “Uh-huh. You mean you hadn’t met Jackson yet.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Jenny, flipping one long lock of hair over her shoulder.

  Nikki stared pointedly at Jenny’s boobs that were being prominently displayed in a low-cut blouse.

  “Oh, fine. Jane said you were going to notice.”

  “How could I not?” asked Nikki. “I think a NASA space satellite would notice those.”

  “That’s not fair,” said Jenny, stomping up the stairs. “Those have really good resolution these days.”

  “I didn’t say don’t wear it,” Nikki called after her. “I was just saying, you know, da-a-mn.”

  Jenny flipped her the bird before disappearing into the guest room.

  “You shouldn’t police another woman’s apparel,” said Jane, coming out of the room.

  “No, that’s what I sent you to do,” said Nikki.

  “I mean, it feeds into the concept that women need to be ashamed of their own bodies and that men aren’t responsible for their actions if a woman dresses too provocatively.”

  “Thanks, Gloria Steinem, but can you whip me up a feminist argument that supports me not having to stare at Jenny’s boobs over the mashed potatoes?”

  “I like staring at Jenny’s boobs,” said Jane.

  “That’s because you’re a little bit gay,” said Nikki, and Jane shrugged.

  “I’m in touch with my inner lesbian.”

  “Well, stop touching your inner lesbian and come help make sure that I don’t stab my mother with a fork over the salad course.”

  “I don’t see why you shouldn’t,” said Jane. “As long as you use the right fork.”

  “You’re not helping,” said Nikki.

  “I’m not really even trying,” agreed Jane.

  Nikki sighed and went back to the kitchen. She had the feeling that it was going to be a very long dinner.

  But by the time dinner was served, détente appeared to have been reached between Peg and Nell. Jenny had reined the boobs in and was being perfectly pleasant, but still flirty. Jane finally changed out of the polyester when she got too hot and Ellen and Z’ev were collaborating on the perfect way to stack ice and salt around the tub of the ice cream maker. They appeared satisfied with their work as they sat down to dinner.

  “And now we pray,” announced Peg in a tone that brooked no argument, and folded her hands. Jackson and Nell, who were used to it, had already followed suit, and the girls, startled, followed along as well. Z’ev, who was Catholic or Jewish depending on which grandparent he stood next to, took the unexpected dose of religion in stride.

  “Dear Lord,” began Peg. “Thank you for blessing this table with good food and good friends, and for bringing the family back together again. Family bonds are more important than anything and we thank you for strengthening them.”

  There was an odd sort of clunk that might have been Nell adjusting her feet under the table or it might have been Nell kicking Peg in the shin.

  “Please bless the bounty that we are about to receive. Amen. Now pass the mashed potatoes. Those are my favorite.”

  “So, Jackson,” said Jenny, when the plates had been filled. “I’d love to hear some stories about the rodeo bulls.”

  “Two tons of snot and shit,” said Nell, picking over the roasted vegetables to avoid the cucumbers. “What’s there to te
ll?”

  “Helen!” said Peg, resorting to Nell’s full name. “Mind your language.”

  “I’m fairly certain I learned that language from you, Mother.”

  “Maybe, but I don’t use it at the dinner table,” said Peg.

  “Add in another ton of mean and she’d be right, though,” said Jackson, earning a rare smile from Nell.

  “I’d rather hear about Z’ev’s flight up from California. You got a ride with some DEA agents, you say?” Nell switched her focus to Z’ev, who looked up from his slice of meatloaf to find all eyes on him.

  “Really?” Jackson’s eyes flicked to Nikki and then back to Z’ev. “What was the DEA doing up here?”

  Z’ev cleared his throat, a tiny tic that revealed only to Nikki that he was uncomfortable with the topic. “Apparently, there’s a major pot pipeline from here down through Idaho and heading south and east. Would you mind passing the salt?” He smiled casually at Ellen, and Nikki knew he was hoping for a change of topic.

  “I thought pot was legal in Washington now? Why would anyone smuggle it?” asked Jane.

  “And why go south?” mused Nikki. “If I were going to smuggle pot, I’d bring it in from Mexico.” She happened to look at Nell, who seemed frozen with a bite halfway to her mouth.

  “You’ve spent a lot of time considering your pot smuggling plans, have you?” demanded Peg, skewering her with a suspicious look.

  “Virtually none,” said Nikki, with a shrug.

  “Canadian pot is better quality,” said Z’ev. “The further south you can take Canadian pot, the more it’s worth. Now that pot is legal here, there might be an import slowdown, but probably not a lot, since most of the pot smuggled in from Canada doesn’t stay here.”

  “I’m sure there’s no actual pot smuggling going on in Kaniksu Falls anymore,” said Peg firmly, and Jackson glanced at Nikki again. She was going to have to talk to him about that. He was a dead giveaway. The girls continued eating calmly, like properly trained operatives.

  “Did the DEA say they were looking at Kaniksu Falls specifically?” asked Nell, clearing her throat.

  “No, they said they thought it was coming in through the Colville Forest, probably on ATVs. They were hoping that the forest fires would flush out some of the smugglers.”