Chasing Claire (Hells Saints Motorcycle Club)

by Marinaro, Paula

“Going the distance,” I answered him.

  The room was closing in on me. I felt it coming on. Like a freight train. The awful truth. The truth that I had hidden from everyone, even from Raine.

  “Tell me why, baby. You’ve got to tell me why that scares you, Claire,” Reno said quietly. “You hiding from me after everything that you’ve been through, that we’ve been through, I get it. But that shit is done. It’s over and we have got to find a way to move past it. Because when we are together, it’s fucking perfect. You in my bed is perfect. Nothing has ever come close to that. Not for me and not for you. You know it and I know it. But for some reason that scares you, for some reason you get to a place where you start to forget all that, and if we don’t do something about it goddamn soon, then I’m going to start to forget that too. And that would be a real shame. That would be a real fucking shame. I have tried, baby, I really have tried, but for the life of me, Claire, I can’t figure out why you do it. I don’t know why you keep running from me. So me and you, we aren’t leaving this room until we figure that out. Then we decide to either move forward or let this thing between us go once and for all. But either way, babe, I have to know and you are going to tell me.”

  Reno paused then and gave time for his words to reach me.

  Then he said this: “I love you.”

  I felt the flutter of my heart beat against my chest.

  “I fucking love you, Claire. Loved you for a long time. Loved you from that first time I saw you. Loved you from the first time you came dancing down those damn steps and stood behind your sister trying to hide from me. And I want you. All of you. I want to go to bed holding you, and I want to wake up next to you. I want my ring on your finger and I want my babies in your belly.”

  “There are things that you don’t know, Reno. Things that if you knew, they might change the way you feel about me. Things that might change what you think you want with me.” Somehow I managed to get the words past the lump of fear that sat heavy in my heart.

  “Is this about Manny, Claire? Is that what we are talking about? Because I was with Prosper when we found him. I know what happened, and I am glad you had the balls to do it.”

  I shook my head.

  “That’s not it. That haunted me for months, but I worked that through,” I whispered.

  Then I added, “Prosper helped me to work that through.”

  Reno growled. “It should have been me helping you. I fucked up. I’m sorry I left you alone in that. Is that it, Claire? Are you still pissed that I wasn’t there for you? Because you have got to know that I will never leave you alone again. Not ever.”

  “I don’t blame you, Reno. I never really did. I missed you and I was hurt and angry, but I didn’t blame you. I know how tired you must have been of me always pushing you away,” I answered in a low voice.

  We each let that truth settle for a minute.

  “Then what is it, honey? Talk to me,” Reno said.

  “Your babies,” I choked out.

  “What?” Reno pulled his hand through his hair.

  “I can’t give you that.” My heart broke open, and the pieces scattered on the floor.

  I looked at Reno, then. Shame and guilt surrounded me like a deep, dark, hooded cloak. Because I hadn’t been able to stop Jamie. Not from hurting me or the life inside of me that had barely begun.

  Reno stared at me. He kept his expression blank. I didn’t know what he saw when he looked at me.

  “Tell me what happened, Claire,” Reno said.

  “It was my fault. All my fault. I knew what he was capable of and I stayed anyway. I stayed too long.” My face felt like it was on fire, and the tears that had begun to form in the corners of my eyes spilled down my cheeks. The shame and the disappointment that I had kept locked inside myself was almost more than I could bear.

  “Jamie . . . he knocked me around while I was pregnant. And I . . . I . . . lost the baby. There was a lot of blood and they tried but they couldn’t stop it. There were complications and now . . . I can’t . . .”

  I angrily wiped the tears from my face.

  I hated remembering. Hated it. Hated myself for letting that happen.

  My hand went to my stomach, to the tattoo that hid the small scar that had been a constant reminder of the “complications.”

  The silence seemed to stretch on forever. Reno’s eyes were on me. Finally I was done hiding. Finally he knew everything. Everything.

  “Is there anything else you want to tell me, Claire? Anything else that I don’t know?”

  I didn’t hesitate.

  “No, there’s no more. Reno. That’s all of it.”

  Isn’t that enough? I thought.

  He didn’t move toward me, but his eyes were soft when he spoke.

  “It’s done, Claire. It’s over. He’s gone, baby.”

  “He will never be gone, Reno. It will never be over.”

  “No, that’s where you’re wrong. It’s over. Today. Right now. It’s gone. That sick motherfucker is dead and buried and he’s gonna stay that way. You have to help me, though. You have to let me in, Claire. Let me in, so I can keep him and all the bad shit that he brought with him out. He’s gone, and I’m standing right here and I am not going to let anything ever hurt you again.”

  In Reno’s voice I heard a thread of gentle fury that I had never heard before.

  And I wanted to believe him.

  I wanted to believe him. More than anything I had ever wanted in my life, I wanted to believe that Reno could keep the bad out. I wanted to believe that I had finally found someone who was strong enough to stop the misery that always seemed to find me.

  “I’m scared, Reno,” I whispered.

  I felt the tears wet my cheeks.

  “Don’t cry, Claire.” Reno still had not moved. “Baby, please don’t cry.”

  CHAPTER 49

  Reno could not take his eyes off the woman that he loved. The tears spilled down her face, and her small shoulders shook with the effort of holding all that in.

  He felt a fury build inside of him and rage so hot that it burned itself out soon after it started. Reno wished that Jamie wasn’t dead. He would have given his left nut to have the chance to kill that sonofabitch over and over and over again. Some men were just motherfucking monsters.

  Reno knew that everything depended on what he said next. He searched for the words, and came up with the most honest ones he could find.

  “I’m scared too, baby. I’m afraid of that place that you go to. I’m afraid that the next time you hide, you’ll run so far from me that I won’t be able to find you.”

  Reno stayed where he was. He stood absolutely still, but he kept his eyes glued on her. His voice was soft and gentle. Reno spoke slowly and waited for each word to reach Claire’s scarred and broken heart.

  When he spoke, it was with all the love and conviction that he absolutely felt.

  “You won’t have to survive losing me, Babe. I’m here. Right here. I’m still standing and I’m gonna stay standing. I’m not going to let anything hurt me. I’m not going to let anything hurt us. Nothing will get to me and nothing will get past me to find you. I swear my life on it. And if there ever comes a time when I think that I can’t stop that bad by myself, then I am going to raise an army to do it with me. You will always, always be safe with me, Claire. And baby, with you is the only place that I want to be.”

  Then he put his hands out toward his woman, palms up and in surrender.

  “But, you have to help me. You have to give me the chance to prove it to you. You just have to be brave one more time, honey. You just have to stop being afraid long enough to let me love you.”

  Reno took a deep breath.

  “And I don’t give a shit about kids, Claire. If you decide you want them, then we’ll find a way.”

  Reno smirked and rubbed his jaw.

  “But I’m guessing that taking care of you is going to be a full-time job.”

  He could see that Claire had started to breathe ag
ain. That haunted look had finally begun to leave her eyes and was slowly being replaced with something else. Something that looked like hope. She took one long last ragged breath.

  “I’ve made some mistakes, Reno. I’ve done some things that can never be undone. Things that I will regret to my dying day, things that have changed who I am.”

  “Aw, baby, who the fuck hasn’t?” He looked at her.

  And there it was, the beginnings of a small smile. That one slight curve of Claire’s mouth set Reno’s heart to soaring.

  “I know who you are, Claire. I see how hard you try. I see how brave you are. I know that underneath all that fucking beauty is a kindness and a strength that I want to be around. I know the worst and the best of you, baby. I understand exactly who you are and you are everything I ever wanted.”

  He let those words drift and settle like a soft blanket around her. Then he continued.

  “But this isn’t about me, honey. I knew what I wanted the minute I laid eyes on you. This is about you. This is about what you want. I ain’t a bad man, Claire, but I have done some pretty fucking bad things. And safe to say, with the life I lead, I’m going to do more bad things. But none of that will ever touch you. I swear it. I won’t lie to you, cheat on you, or ever lay a hand on you. And I’ll try my goddamn best to stay out of jail.”

  Claire smiled fully at the last part.

  “So this is it. Me and you. The good and the bad. But there is just one more thing. If you want me, if you’re in this with me, then you’re in it all the way. You and me. I’m asking you for forever, baby, and I ain’t settling for anything less. Nothing less, Claire. Do you understand what I am asking you, honey?”

  Claire nodded her head and said softly, “I understand.”

  Reno looked at her.

  “If you want that too, if you want me too, then you need to come to me. You need to come and take what you want.”

  Reno stood with his arms by his sides and his heart on his sleeve. The hardest thing he ever had to do was stand still and wait for Claire to cross that room.

  Thank God that he didn’t have long to wait.

  It took less than three beats of his heart for her to decide.

  She closed the gap between them in just a few steps.

  And she took it. All of it.

  This man was hers.

  And she was his.

  Forever.

  CHAPTER 50

  I awoke to find myself tucked safely under Reno’s arm. The rising sun had just begun to stream in through the blinds, casting the room in shimmering beams. I turned and found his eyes on me, warm and smiling. He kissed the top of my head and slipped his hand through mine. Thin rays of light skipped and danced over our entwined fingers. Reno stretched out our clasped hands and held them to capture the light.

  “A perfect fit, baby.”

  I moved my fingers around his, sighed deeply, and let myself feel the joy of the moment.

  “So what’s it going to be? Round? Square? Teardrop? Or that one that points on both ends?” His words were laced with tenderness.

  “Not the one called a teardrop, Reno. I don’t want that one.” I felt the panic edge my voice.

  Reno pulled me closer. “No, babe, not that one.”

  “There’s a girl in one of my classes. I like her ring,” I offered, suddenly shy.

  “Yeah?” Reno grinned. “What’s it look like?”

  “It’s in the shape of a heart.”

  “Done, baby,” Reno said and kissed my hair.

  I shifted closer to him and felt the last, final bits of tension release. Relief, happiness, and something undefined coursed through my body and warmed me.

  “Are we really going to do this, Reno?” I whispered to him.

  He pulled my hair back and looked into my eyes.

  “Yeah, babe, we are really going to do this.”

  I sighed happily against him. Reno’s hand moved to my stomach, his thumb made small circles against my skin. I peeked at him from under my lashes and saw a smirk begin to form on the side of his mouth.

  I took the shit-eating grin on Reno’s face to be a good sign.

  Phew.

  Because I had something to say.

  I inhaled deeply and positioned myself up on one arm. I wanted to get a good look at Reno when I laid it out for him. I grabbed the bedsheet and brought it tight against me. Wanting no distractions, l looked down at the sheet, saw some cleavage, and raised it even higher. I needed his full attention.

  The movement of self-protection did not escape those beautiful amber eyes.

  Reno arched his eyebrow. “Babe?”

  I inhaled. “Reno, I love you, I do . . .”

  “Do not, do not fucking tell me that I am about to hear a but in there, Claire.”

  “No, Reno. No buts. Absolutely no buts,” I spoke quickly to reassure him.

  “I love you, so this doesn’t really matter,” I muttered.

  As Reno watched me, his eyes grew wary. “What doesn’t matter, Claire?”

  “Nothing. I mean everything. I mean it all matters, we matter. Of course, we matter. Except that . . . if we are going to do this anyway . . . maybe we could . . . I mean, everybody likes cake, right?”

  Holy shit.

  I sighed.

  My heart began to race and my thoughts were stuck somewhere in a swirl above my head.

  Reno pulled his hand through his hair, looked at me and said, “Babe, you’re doing that thing you do again. Just focus and tell me what the fuck you are trying to say.”

  I held my breath for a second.

  Then I went for it.

  “A wedding, Reno. If we are going to do this, then I would like to have a real wedding.”

  I waited, and Reno waited too.

  So I inhaled deeply and let all my little girl dreams come out in one big rush.

  “My mom and Raine didn’t get to have that. And I want that. I have always wanted that. And when I say that, I mean all of it.

  “I want a big white cake with loads of flowers made from icing, and one of those long white runners that will lead me to you. And I want bridesmaids—Raine and Glory walking in front of me holding flowers and wearing dresses that match. I want Willow to be a flower girl. I want her to wear a little white dress with a ribbon sash that matches the bridesmaids’ dresses.”

  When I heard Reno clear his throat, I continued on before he had a chance to break in.

  “And when it is announced that the groom may now kiss the bride I want you to kiss me long and deep. I know that some people don’t think a full-on kiss is appropriate, but I don’t care. I want to remember that kiss for the rest of my life. Oh, and talking about that, I want pictures. Lots and lots of them. I want to drink pink champagne from crystal glasses. I want our guests to throw rice at us and blow bubbles from those little plastic bottles. I want flowers on the tables. I want to hear the words ’til death us do part. I want to say I do. Reno, ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of saying I do.”

  Reno had not moved a muscle. And when that sheet slipped a little, in my exuberance to explain my whole wedding scenario, his eyes did not drop from mine.

  “Anything else?” Reno asked, not giving me one hint as to what he felt about my whole grand scheme. Usually I would let that stop me, but I figured this was probably going to be my one shot.

  And I was going to take it.

  So I continued, letting the words flow out in a rush of enthusiasm.

  “I know it’s a lot. I know maybe you don’t want those things, or don’t feel the need for those things. But I have always dreamed of those things, Reno. I was that little girl. The one who wrapped a towel on her head and pretended it was a veil. The one who made wedding bouquets out of dandelion weeds and broken ribbons.”

  I sighed wistfully at the memory and added, “I cannot even begin to tell you how many times Pink Bunny and I promised to love, honor, and cherish each other.”

  Reno smiled at that.

  Then becau
se I knew my chances of Reno being a white-wedding kind of guy were slim, I added, “But all of that really doesn’t matter. Because I love you. I really, really do. All those walking-down-the-aisle dreams, they were really about finding a man like you. I wished for you, Reno. And in a world where wishes hardly ever come true, I know how lucky I am to have found that. I know how lucky I am to be loved by you. So if you are dead set against the whole big wedding thing . . . make no mistake here, that is what I am talking about, then I can live without it.”

  Phew. I sat back. Exhausted.

  Reno took a minute to consider.

  “I am not going to be handing my brothers some plastic shit filled with bubbles, Claire.”

  I could live without the bubbles. Bubbles were definitely negotiable.

  “Okay, forget the bubbles,” I said.

  “Not letting anyone throw food at me either.” Reno’s eyes narrowed.

  Food? Oh, geez . . .

  “I’m okay with no rice,” I said. I actually kind of loved the rice thing, but if the rice had to take one for the team, so be it.

  “Anything else?”

  “I kiss you when I want. I don’t need anybody telling me that now I may or may not kiss my woman on our wedding day.” Reno arched an eyebrow.

  Really? Did he not get the symbolism there? But, okay.

  I nodded in agreement. “You can kiss me constantly. From start to finish if you want, Reno.”

  I held my breath.

  Reno nodded.

  “What does that mean, that nod, Reno?”

  “It means okay, Claire,” Reno answered.

  “Okay? Like okay everything, okay? Or okay just part of it, okay?” I asked him. Then I held my breath in hopeful anticipation.

  “Means okay everything, Claire. Plan the wedding of your dreams, baby. Whatever you want. We’re good on the green, I got this.” Reno smiled at me then.

  So this is what it feels like when dreams come true.

  The little girl in me jumped up and down and threw bright yellow dandelion bouquets in the air. My inner child watched happily as ribbons danced gaily around us, and their streamers wrote thank you in the wind.

  The woman in me expressed that gratitude in a very different, but no less enthusiastic, sort of way.