The Only Choice (The Choices Trilogy #3)

by Palmer, Dee

  I don’t remember how he took my dress off. I do remember him tearing my panties down my legs and I am grateful I am naked now as I relish the feel of his sticky skin against mine. Our legs are entwined and his strong arms hold me flush against him. I would be holding him too if my muscles were responding to my brain but they are not. I would’ve have offered to fix a drink or run a bath, but nada, a jelly fish has more rigidity than I do. My body is useless and my mind isn’t much better; a mush of climax inspired euphoria, mixing with the inevitable dampening doses of reality and fucked up visions of my future. I reflectively squeeze him as he shifts to move because I don’t want to lose this feeling, because right now I feel perfect, we feel right and I feel safe. So just for one more moment please don’t move. Somehow sensing my silent plea he relaxes back pulling me tighter and kissing my hair. I let out a shamelessly satisfied sigh and he laughs.

  “How are you feeling?” His voice is deep but he sounds sleepy, to be fair I am impressed he can speak at all. I know I will have to communicate in a series of grunts and sighs. I repeat my satisfied sigh followed but an equally gratified moan, muscles not quite responding to my desire to stretch. He chuckles, “Good to know.” His sigh sounds like mine. I hear his phone ring again, it was what caused him to move last time but this time his shift is more determined and he slides from under me. “Looks like someone’s keen to test my temper.” He picks up his trousers and fishes his phone from the pocket. He frowns but only briefly, he swipes to take the call .He strides out of the bedroom without glancing my way but not before I hear him say Angel’s name in a soft tone that makes me so fucking jealous I forget it’s his release currently running down my leg.

  The bedroom is dark and I have closed my eyes but moments before sleep steels me a painful bright light assaults my lids and I pinch them tighter. This isn’t the light from a doorway. Daniel has switched the main light on and I can hear him picking up his clothes and treading with deliberate heavy steps. I roll onto my side and wince at the stiffness of my muscles and soreness of everything else. Blinking to adjust to the harsh light I shield my eyes with my hand and try to focus on the movement at the end of the bed. He has his back turned and he already has his trousers and shirt on. He is bent over slipping into his shoes and I can see his jaw is clenched but even if I couldn’t I can feel the tension.

  “Daniel? What is it?” I am more awake now and carefully pull myself up to sit against the headboard. I tuck the sheet under my chin, a flimsy barrier but one I clutch when he turns to face me his face dark with fury and rage. “Shit Daniel what is it?” I want to ask what’s happened with Angel but I don’t want to know anything about her poison and she is poison.

  “I’m so fucking angry I can’t even look at you!” He grates and snaps his head away from me. He reaches to grab his jacket. I quickly scramble to the end of the bed and hold his wrist before he pulls away. He looks with disgust at my hand and I feel like I have somehow infected him and let go.

  My voice is quiet and he won’t meet my eyes. “Daniel what is it? What have I done?”

  “You have no fucking right! My decisions. My choice. My life. It has nothing to do with you!” He spits these words like daggers and they slice straight through my soft flesh, leaving chunks where my heart should be. He lets out a heavy sigh. Someone has clearly just informed him not only where I have been this afternoon but also the content of the meeting.

  “‘Nothing to do with me’? Am I hearing that right? ‘Your life, your choices’ and that has nothing to do with me?” He shakes his head and I know he is fighting to rein in his temper, he is clearly not a fan of my stalker talents. “I’m just trying to get some answers for you.” I don’t want a screaming match and to go over and over the same shit. He knows all my arguments but blindly refuses to acknowledge any part of them.

  “No Bethany, I don’t need answers. I need you to stop. Stop this now and I would appreciate your pathetic attempts at playing detective to stop before you hurt anyone else.” Since he doesn’t look hurt he just looks pissed I can only assume he is referring to Angel. I doubt she’s hurt but she will be delighted that I have just royally fucked up. I don’t know how to get him to understand.

  “I’m sorry you find my attempts to secure our future pathetic but since you don’t seem to give a shit I thought one of us should try, but you are right, I don’t want anyone getting hurt. I’ll do anything to prevent that.” I try to keep my voice calm and not reflect the building despair I feel inside. His shoulders relax and he runs his hand softly over my cheek.

  “This has nothing to do with you baby, you have to leave it to me. I don’t want you getting hurt.” His face is impassive but his eyes hold something and I can’t tell if its sadness or regret but for the first time his words give me a little encouragement. I know his primary concern is me but he just said that I should leave it to him. Maybe he is already investigating my suspicions, he certainly looked troubled and pensive enough when I first talked about the future of Angels child.

  “You’ll look into it?” I can’t hide my hopeful tone but it’s misplaced. His cold eyes shut down and his jaw locks frozen.

  “There is nothing to look into. Now fucking drop it. I mean it Bethany . . . you need to drop this.” He snaps and I recoil with the understanding of his words. He turns and walks, out of my bedroom and out of my flat.

  I throw myself hard back on to the bed with pure frustration. I can’t let this go when I know she’s lying but will I lose him in the process? The thought alone is enough to crack my heart in a million pieces. If I do nothing she will undoubtedly work her way back into his life one way or another, because she is determined and desperate. She may be calculating and cruel wielding guilt like she does but that is irrelevant if Daniel can’t see it and more over he has told me explicitly to stop. If I manage to get proof, how do I give it to him in a way that won’t break us? Honestly, even if that is the case I would rather he was with someone else than trapped by her. There is always the slightest chance that he would be so grateful of his narrow escape that he would forget my deception and forgive my interference. I have to hope for the possibility that he will forgive me. My head is spinning with unknown outcomes and broken hearted scenarios but one thing is crystal clear, I still have to get proof. I pick up my phone and scroll through my recently dialled numbers.

  “Bets, had fun the other night we should—” She answers my call with a bright cheerful voice, happy to chat but I cut her short as politely as I can.

  “Hey Sam, I need help with Plan B.” The line goes quiet and I can hear the sound of high heels clipping along a floor, then a door suction shut.

  Her voice is still hushed but she sounds excited. “Oh Bets, it’ll be fun but are you sure?”

  I don’t share her enthusiasm and her definition of fun and mine are probably not in the same ball park but I am certain this is now my only plan. This is my last ditched attempt, balls to the wall and a winner takes it all showdown. If this fails I have nothing left because if it comes down to my hunch against his history with Angel I know how that fairy tale ends and Disney have yet to set the music to the ‘ditched lover single mother movie.’ “One hundred percent.” My voice is determined but I can see my hands shake a little.

  “Tomorrow night then, come to me for six because you will need some extra time to get used to the outfit.” She doesn’t hear me struggle to swallow as my mouth dries. “And you still need a sponsor honey . . . I could ask one of my clients but if they are there they will expect to . . . well—” She hesitates and I jump right in with panic in my voice.

  “—No No, that’s fine. I know someone.” I offer but at the same time challenge the wisdom of my ‘better the devil you know’ approach.

  “All righty then see you at six, don’t forget the recorder. Gotta go babe can’t wait. Always wanted to be a Bond girl.” She giggles and hangs up and my mind races to picture the Bond girl that was a Domme, like my brain has time for trivia. My next call is a little more trick
y. I slip a T-shirt over my head and walk to the kitchen, next to the phone is a basket full of crap, vouchers, pennies, hair bands and business cards. I easily pick out the one I want; it’s thicker, slicker and elegant like the companies owner. Two cards had slipped into my skirt pocket that day at Daniel’s office, only one of the cards Daniel had destroyed. I type the number and save the contact to my phone. It rings for several seconds and I glance at my watch unaware it had gotten so late, eleven thirty is a bit late to be making a non-emergency call. I shake my head because to me, this is an emergency.

  “Sinclair.” Jason’s voice sounds deeper than in person.

  “Jason, it’s Bethany Thorne.” I pause but he makes no sound, so with a false sense of confidence that I know I will be drawing on frequently over the next few days I continue. “I need your help.”

  “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this?” His laugh has a light rumbling quality but he is not wrong.

  “Oh I know you are not going to like this but I’m going to ask you anyway.” I draw in a deep breath and I can hear him do the same. “I need you to be my sponsor for the club.” I hear him expel a sharp laugh but he is still quiet, waiting, so I clarify. “It’s only for one night, tomorrow night.” As if that makes it all right.

  “I never thought I looked that stupid but clearly I do. Why on earth would I do that Bethany?” He snorts with amusement.

  “Because if you don’t I will have to ask a stranger.” My clipped response has him cursing. It was a bit of a leap to assume he would agree, he doesn’t really know me and he has a vested interest in not getting involved. But when he handed me his card at Daniels office he looked genuinely alarmed at the prospect that I might visit the club alone. I was just hoping I hadn’t read him wrong.

  “Aw Fuck Bethany, you can’t do that.” His voice sounds resigned and I can’t help a small satisfied smile creep across my lips. “Aw shit!” He curses as he recognises his own defeat.

  “And I would appreciate if you didn’t tell Daniel.” I add, at this he laughs loudly.

  “Oh yes, because that was definitely my next call, ‘Hey Daniel I’m taking the love of your life to the most depraved sex club in London.’” He mimics.

  “I didn’t say you had to take me.” I correct him on this but not that I may no longer be the love of Daniel’s life.

  “You think I’m not!” His voice is incredulous. “Why the fuck are you doing this Bethany? Apart from wanting me to lose my job.”

  “You won’t lose your job if he doesn’t find out and I have no intention of telling him. Do you?” I need to make that clear because I lose everything if he finds out. I need to let him learn the truth in a way that doesn’t irrevocably break us but that’s for another day, first I have to get the proof.

  “Fuck no! But why Bethany? Seriously, what are you doing?” We both know he has already agreed but he needs something more. He might be risking more than his job if Daniel finds out.

  “The right thing.” I exhale before I put the phone down. God I hope it’s the right thing.

  DESPITE THE UTTER exhaustion I feel in every part of my body most of the time, I am unable to have an uninterrupted night sleep. Last night I thought I would tear my hair out I was so restless; mind racing, twitchy legs, itchy hair and random hot flushes filled with anxiety. I would put this worst night to date, down to the day and evening ahead but regardless, these sleepless nights are a consistent recurring struggle. I decide to go back to Dr Ward because this doesn’t feel normal. The waiting room is chaos. There is some sort of flash crowd gathering of new mums and crying babies or ‘baby clinic’ Dr Ward enlightens me with a warm smile. My face must look like an impression of Munch’s The Scream. I’m not ready . . . I am so not ready . . . I am never going to be ready.

  “Bethany . . . what can I do for you?” She only glances up momentarily before reading her notes on the screen. “You have another check up in a few weeks . . . so what seems to be troubling you or is it nothing to do with the baby?” Satisfied with her scan of my history she turns her full attention to me, a shadow of concern flits across her kind face.

  “I don’t think its the baby. I just feel so tired and I’m not sleeping. I feel sick all the time and recently I have felt anxious . . . you know unsettled. Last night was the worst and I was hoping you could perhaps give me something to calm me or help me sleep?” Dr Ward sits back. She starts to unwrap the cuff to take my blood pressure.

  “I see.” She starts to pump the air into the cuff. “Have you been taking your vitamins?”

  “Oh . . . well . . . I did buy some but maybe not everyday.” I bite my lip and cringe.

  “Are you eating regularly and well . . . a good balance?”

  “I haven’t felt much like eating but when I do it isn’t junk. I just feel sick so its hard.”

  “Yes I understand but lack of food will affect your energy levels. Your body will divert its resources to the baby so you must make sure there is enough for you. It could be why you are so tired.” She lets the air deflate. “Your blood pressure is a little low. Pregnancy takes a lot out of your body. You need to make it your priority. I know this was a surprise to you but it is happening now and you need to take it seriously.” Her words may sound like a reprimand but they act like a wake up call. “Your friends, I am sure are thrilled and will be happy to help if you ask . . . It is not a great time to go it alone Bethany when you don’t have to.” I wrinkle my nose and she raises her perfect brow. “You haven’t told anyone have you?” I shake my head. “Not even the father?”

  “Especially not the father . . . not yet.” I add at her sudden sympathetic expression. “I will. I don’t have a problem with telling him. It is just the timing is a little off. Same goes for my friends.” It is too complicated to summarise so I simply shrug it off.

  “I see. Look Bethany considering the circumstances it is entirely normal for you to feel anxious, unsettled and exhausted. I would consider it not normal if you weren’t. You know I can’t prescribe anything to help you sleep?” She smiles as I nod my acknowledgement. “There is nothing wrong with you or the baby. The anxiety I believe will lessen the more people you can share this with but I can’t promise the exhaustion will get better without you taking better care of yourself.” She puts her pen flat on the desk because common sense seems to be the only thing she is dishing out today.

  “I will . . . I promise.” I reach for my shoulder bag and although she has told me nothing exceptional I do feel better just knowing feeling like shit, is to be expected. I am, in fact normal. My shift starts soon and I find I have to jog through Green Park or I will be late. I forgo my earphones and listen to the steady fall of my feet hitting the pavement as I find my rhythm. I know I am not going to manage to jog the entire journey my body is fighting me with every step. I have even cut across the grass to shorten the route. I practically collapse at the railing just outside the park entrance. I easily spot Angel leaving Daniels building. I no longer feel the burn in my muscles from exertion but I do feel sick at the sight. She is fresh faced and flushed. I drop my head to my knees, I didn’t make eye contact so I don’t think she saw me, another few minutes to catch my breath and we will have both moved on.

  The wheels of the taxi stop directly in front of me and I look up to see the open window and a knowing smile on Angel’s face. “You look like you are struggling would you like a ride?” Her tone is kind and I can’t see anything particularly sinister in her eyes so I guess now is as good a time as any, to try and uncover her true intentions. Besides, in the light of Dr Ward telling me I need to start taking better care of myself, her offer is appreciated.

  “Actually that would be very kind, thank you.” I stand as she opens the door and I slide in next to her. “I’m not usually this exhausted. I think I might be coming down with something.” I give a weak smile and inwardly cringe at the state I must look, sweaty, out of breath and I probably stink too. Whereas she is immaculate, serene, perfect and has just left Daniel
’s apartment in the middle of the day. He is unlikely to be there at this time but she obviously has complete access.

  “You do look pale are you keeping well?” Her lips try to curl in a smile, I think, but it looks more like a smirk and now I am starting to get that gut feeling again.

  “Angel, this is kind but I’m sure you don’t want to do small talk. Is this just a coincidence or do you have something specific you would like to talk about?” I fail to hide my own irritation. She sighs as if this meeting is equally tiring for her.

  “Well, it is a coincidence, but I did want to speak to you. Lucky for me your subtle attempt to stalk was so obvious. Daniel isn’t staying here by the way I just came to pick up some post.” She frowns when she notices my whole body relax and now she looks irritated that she has unintentionally eased my mind. “I doubt it was your intention but thank you for pushing Daniel.” She draws in a deep breath and seems to enjoy the enforced pause a little too much, a satisfied expression spreads across her face. She finally turns to me and her smile slips and her frown deepens with seriousness. “I don’t think I have ever seen him quite so angry. I want to make sure you stay away. You have hurt him enough . . . now it is my turn.” She stops herself, cruel amusement curling her thin red lips. She shakes her head and whatever image away. “So I just want to be sure.” I am speechless so she carries on. “Daniel wants me. He just doesn’t know it yet, but he will, we have history.” She tips her head and whispers. “Do you really think you stood a chance? Look how close we’ve become, it’s been what? . . . a few months and he’s already going to give me his child.”

  “Can you even have children?” I ask bluntly because she set the precedent for the cruel tone of this confrontation.

  “Miracles do happen Bethany, after all look at you. I mean you can’t possibly think he was serious about a long term relationship with you. I am astounded you lasted as long as you did but like I said . . . miracles.” She simpers out a light laugh filled with mockery. “Even if you were really still together, how long do you think you would have? I am his first love Bethany you need to think of that before you make more of a fool of yourself.” She reaches to comfort me with her tiny fingers but hesitates and wisely withdraws.