by Palmer, Dee
“I know, I’ve got you guys but I—”
He holds my shoulders and pulls back. “No I mean you are not on your own. Your date is here.” He turns me a full one eighty and I gasp. Daniel stands, dark and dangerous and right in front of me. I step back into Marco’s chest and he steadies me with his hands on the tops of my arms, my heart is racing and I struggle to breathe. I know Marco can feel me tremble because he gives me a reassuring squeeze. Daniel steps forward his eyes penetrate mine and sear my soul but his face gives nothing and I am filled with confusion, confusion and need, confusion and want, mostly want and need. “This is my sister’s wedding Daniel. I hope I don’t need to remind you are here as a guest.” Marco’s voice rumbles and I can feel some tension in his grip but he relaxes, which makes me relax too.
Daniel nods addressing Marco over my shoulder but not taking his eyes from me. “Your sisters call to me this morning expressed as much. She is the bride and her wish is my command . . . I have no intention of being escorted from your premises,. . . . again.” He fights back a grin but gives in when I bite my lips to hide mine.
“Very well.” Marco steps beside me and holds his hand out for Daniel, who reciprocates. “In that case I hope you have a great day. I’m heading over to the main room, see you over there Boo. The reception to receive the happy couple will be soon Ok?” He winks at me I nod numbly trying to process the image before me. Daniel takes my hand and leads me to the very edge of the garden away from the family, my hand tingles at his touch. I wanted him to be here so much and now he is I’m terrified. I don’t want to let him go again and I’m terrified that that is no longer my choice, so despite the need to hold on I try to pull my hand away, essential for my self-preservation, but he holds tighter.
“Daniel, I don’t understand what are you doing here?” I whisper even though we are far from any eavesdroppers. I really can’t believe he is here, did he come for me; my heart squeezes tight as if an invisible fist is holding it firm preventing it from bursting all over my ivory silk dress.
“It is as I said, Sofia called and—“
“She pulled the ‘i’m the bride card’ didn’t she? Did she say her whole day would be ruined or something?” I shake my head at my lovely over dramatic best friend.
“Something along those lines yes . . . You look very beautiful Bethany.” His eyes darken and I can see the tension his thoughts are causing course across his face. “You take my breath away, as always.” He dips his head to maintain eye contact as I try to look away. “You haven’t told anyone about us? We’re you hoping I would change my mind?” His words chill me but they are softly spoken. I don’t think he means to re hash and hurt me I think he just wants to understand.
“No Daniel, I know you won’t change your mind.” I blow out the painful breath and flinch at the real pain curling around my heart with my own admission. “I didn’t tell anyone because today is about Sofia and they love me enough that if I had told them that I . . . that we . . . what I’d—” I swallow because as much as I know this is my fault I can’t say it out loud just yet it’s too fucking painful to admit just how much I fucked us up.
“I understand.” His smooth calm voice stops my fall, stops me breaking further. “I just needed to know. Ethan called me too, he felt bad for letting you down and tried to guilt me into dropping whatever was so important that I could leave you alone on such a day.” His thumb traces circles on the back of my hand. It’s distracting, he’s distracting. “And he was right nothing, nothing is so important that you should be lonely today.”
“I’m hardly alone.” My words are barely audible because I don’t believe them and I know he won’t either. Being lonely is more than a feeling, it’s a crushing weight that suffocates a fragile heart, my fragile heart.
“I know you’re not alone, but that isn’t what I meant. I wanted to be with you today.” He emphasises the last word and his teeth grind audibly.
“Today.” I repeat softly.
“Today.” He repeats firmly. “I have a proposition.” He waits expecting some response but I just gaze at his beautiful face getting my fill because I feel I understand the reality of his ominous use of the repeated word. “For today, we forget everything and just enjoy the celebration for what it is. Your best friend’s wedding and a special day. You and me. No past, no future, just present.” I can see the uncertainty in his eyes and I wonder if he can see the devastation in mine at his proposition. But what is really pathetic is that I am going to agree because I know any amount of time with him is better than no time and that is ultimately what’s on offer no more time.
“A Cinderella scenario if you will.” I offer to clarify his proposition.
He smiles, its breath-taking. “Exactly.” His voice is light with hope.
“And what happens at midnight?” I hate that my voice sound so tentative, that I can’t accept an end even when it’s offered on a silver platter.
“At midnight, everything changes.” He steps to me his hand sweeps smoothly around my waist. I have to tilt my head back to maintain my eye contact.
“Ok.” I breathe out my pathetic acceptance. I would like to think that I am so mature and that this is simply a terribly civilised break up. Or that, given the chance, if you knew this was the last time you were going to see someone, someone you loved like no other before, wouldn’t you choose to spend the time just like this. Laughing, loving and entwined in each other but the truth is, knowing this is the end is like a punctured artery and the slow internal bleeding will ultimately be the end of me. But I’m not going to back track, I am going to take the scraps that are offered because for one last night I just want it to be us, and even if it isn’t real it’s still better than the alternative.
WE STAND FOR a moment and I am trying for the life of me to understand why he is really here, his face gives me nothing but his eyes are filled with sadness that punctures my heart. His lips curl ever so slightly into a tender smile and I decide then, I can do this. I decide that this day is going to be our day too. A wonderful day to share with someone I love, suspend all reality and immerse myself in the fairy-tale of the happily ever after because I understand my happily ever after is going to be more Grimm than Disney. I blow out a sharp breath to strengthen my resolve and with a surge of uninhibited determination to embrace and take whatever pleasure I can from my last day with Daniel. I step against him pushing through the tangible barrier of instant heat our bodies create. My hands cup his face the slight stubble scratching the soft skin on my palms. Tingles ignite across the surface of my skin and I smile at the intake of breath he forces as I cover his mouth with barely contained passion, holding him firm as my soft lips move with purpose and possession. His immediate shock and tension is instantly replaced with a firm but relaxed reciprocation, his hand carefully threading into my hair, gripping and pulling me further into the kiss I initiated. I gasp and he moans pushing his tongue deep inside and I wonder if every sensation I experience with him today will be just as intense, just as explosive. God I hope so.
I pull back and place my hand on his heaving chest and gently tap my fingers as I feign calm I am definitely not feeling and I fight the smirk I want to express at his wide eyes and ruffled countenance.
“Shall we?” I ask with a light carefree tone.
He coughs and shifts a little but fails to hide the bulge distorting the clean line of his suit trousers. “Shall we what?” His voice is raspy. I laugh out, shaking my head and take his hand to lead him across the manicured lawn to the period glass conservatory to join the line forming to welcome the wedding party. Sofia’s family gene pool dominates the room with their strong dark features and stronger characters. My feet barely touch the ground once I enter the room as brothers, uncles and cousins hug and pick me up and pass me along like a party game of pass the parcel. I finally find my feet at the end of the long line of friends and family and instantly a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and Daniel pulls me so I am cloaked in his body. He whispers. “Pl
ease don’t tell me I have to watch you dance with all those people that have just manhandled you like you were crowd surfing?” His breath feathers my skin but his gruff tone is clipped and I twist to see his tell-tale jaw ticking. I lean up and he obliges by returning my offered kiss.
“I would have to be confidant that that would even have an effect on you if torture was my plan.” His eyes fix on mine trying to see my game plan, but I don’t have one. “And I’m not confident and it’s not my plan. My plan is to enjoy you today. So no, none of these people will be dancing with me later. I have you for one day, so I won’t waste a minute.” His eyes widen, perhaps a little shocked at my revelation but given that nothing is at stake any more I have no reason to be cautious, no reason to lie and no reason to walk on eggshells. It’s liberating. “You’re mine and I’m not sharing.” I smile but have to bite my inside cheek to keep it there when he adds, ‘for today,’ but I manage and even laugh to ease the little tension that has crept between us.
There is a loud cheer and a sudden surge of movement as Paul and Sofia begin to make their way down the line and Daniel holds me a little tighter to protect me from being jostled. It takes a little while for the couple having greeted, kissed and hugged their way down the long line but finally I get the chance to hug the most beautiful bride, ever. She holds me so tight and I hear a little sob which sets me off and we pull back, both with full wet eyes she cups my face and because of the noise she mouths ‘I love you sister.’ I nod with her hands still clasped to my face and mouth back the same but take a steadying breath before I break. Her eyes widen as she spots the man behind me and I shake my head almost imperceptibly but as she looks again at Daniel with narrowed eyes I hug her once more and whisper that we’ve sorted everything. She leans back with the biggest smile and I don’t feel at all bad for the lie and technically it wasn’t a lie, we have sorted everything, for today. It is just that Sofia is programmed to decode in a positive light, her glass is never half full its always overflowing.
We follow the wedding party into the main reception room where the tables are set under the impressive fifty foot high art deco glass conservatory with a domed centre that draws the sun’s rays and reflects shards of rainbow lights across the room. The tables are white linen, with crystal, silver reflecting more light and sparkles. The tall stemmed vases in the centre of each table are elegantly bursting with lush bouquets of pale coloured avalanche roses, sweet peas and carnations. The top table is oval and I am on the far end next to Milly. Daniel is seated on the table next to mine and right in between Fia and Pip, Sofia’s twin cousins that came on the hen weekend. Sofia had settled on ten courses in the end which was a fight given the family business and that her mother had had fourteen courses at her wedding but Sofia was adamant she didn’t want to feel too fat to dance. Even with ten it is going to be a long time and with Daniel just out of reach which it will make it that much longer. I settle Milly back down and tuck in several napkins to try and protect her cream dress. Not that she cares but the photographer is still eagerly snapping away and the pictures would be spoiled with olive oil dribbled down her front. Sofia’s grandfather is seated on my left. He speaks very little English but from past experience that doesn’t stop heated conversations it just makes them more entertaining. I top up his champagne, I can’t help the waitress in me from waiting but when I turn back to Milly I nearly drop the bottle when I see that Daniel has switched and without a word he simply winks and tips his glass to me for a refill.
I laugh because I don’t even know why I’m surprised but I am surprised Milly was so quietly coerced into the exchange. I laugh again when Milly runs back over to me and whispers that she’s sorry but the nice man is going to buy her a brand new Chelsea kit. That makes much more sense because as charming as Daniel is, I think his stunning good looks are wasted on a four year old, but apparently not when she adds that he also promised her a dance. She giggles as she returns to her seat and I lean in to Daniel and whisper. “Heartbreaker.” My smile is met with sadness when he replies. ‘No, that is your title Miss Thorne.’ I take a moment. I’m sure there are going to be a few ‘moments’ but I refuse to look away from his deep blue eyes. They hide a wealth of emotion and probably reflect mine but no matter what they are hiding, we have this one day and I’m not going to ruin it with any more sadness. Neither of us need to fill the comfortable silence because just as the first of many courses is being laid the speeches begin. There is no formal break for speeches and the room doesn’t really fall silent because the food is being served and drink is flowing. It is all very relaxed and fun. It is traditional though that anyone that wants to say a few words to the happy couple will get the chance and I believe there are many here that wish to do just that.
The microphone is handed from the closest family to start with and as the meal progresses so less familiar faces take over. Some only speaking in Italian and others really only saying the odd word of congratulations but it’s all so heartfelt and filled with so much love my cheeks start to ache with smiling. I lean into Daniel to give him as much background information of those that are sharing this day. I have met most of the family at one time or another and there is always a story to tell. I love it that he laughs so freely and that rich belly laugh does things to me that make me want to keep him laughing. His eyes crinkle with pleasure and he looks truly happy; God I could look at him forever. When he laughs like that it warms my soul and when he looks at me, he sees me and for that moment I’m the only woman in the world. I find I have finished my story and am dazzled by his face to the detriment of my awareness of my immediate surroundings. Even the hushed room doesn’t alert my attention to the fact that the attention of the room is now focused on me. Daniel gives a smug grin fully aware of what has me so distracted and I feel my cheeks heat and turn to face the room only to be faced with a spongy black ball inches from my face. The microphone! Oh No! The microphone! I feel a tight reassuring squeeze on my leg that is now a trembling mass of jelly. I look with utter panic at Sofia and Paul. Sofia flashes her sweetest smile and has nothing but encouragement in her eyes, Marco just a little further along winks and nods but when my eyes flicker back to Sofia I see the trace of uncertainty. I haven’t moved, my hand frozen inches from taking the microphone. Not wanting to let her down, I take what courage I have that has been hiding behind my ever present sadness and man the fuck up. I stand and my chair is pulled slightly by Daniel to stop it scraping. I brush down my dress, pull my shoulders back and let out a sigh.
“Oh crap.” I exhale in a whisper but straight into the microphone. There is a ripple of laughter. “Ok, if I said I knew anything about this, it would be a huge lie and since I’m a terrible liar I won’t start this little speech with one and because I want you to believe every word I’m going to say about Sofia.” I cough a little to clear my throat. “I met Sofia on my first day of college where in the space of five minutes I knew, but wouldn’t recall accurately for some years to come, all the names of her many brothers and cousins, where she lived, what she loved, what she hated. I knew what she dreamed of and what secret she hid from her Dad.” I grin and hear her gasp and her wide eyes flash to me and it’s my turn to laugh. “Hey, you wanted me to have the microphone.” I giggle and continue. “She was open and honest and I was honoured and overwhelmed when she welcomed me into her family. I went from having one person in my life to having, well looking around today, I’d say just a few more than that.” There is another ripple of encouraging noises and nodding heads and I take a quick sip of water because I can feel my words start to break in the back of my throat. “She has been one half of my best friend from the moment we met but I honestly feel like I’ve loved her all my life. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and if I could find a fraction of the happiness she has and rightly deserves with Paul, then I would count my blessings every day. I don’t have regrets because even the bad choices lead us to where we are today. My only regret would be that if I wasn’t here to share this day with you.” I fe
el my eyes water and my hands are starting to shake when I feel comfort and warmth as Daniel threads his fingers through my hand hanging at my side. “There is a spoken song that speaks of the perfect day and how you wish everyday could be like that, well this is a perfect day and each day can be like that . . . you just have to choose the right person to share it with.” I draw in a shaky breath and grab my champagne glass raising it to Sofia and Paul, “Evviva gli sposi.” Sofia’s eyes mirror mine as tears trickle down our cheeks and everyone joins in the toast; hurray for the newlyweds.
I quickly take my seat and lay the microphone in front of me. Sofia’s Granddad picks it up and there is a not too subtle groan followed by lots of laughter from the guests. Daniel is still holding my hand and I can feel his gaze on me but I need another one of those moments before I can brave his eyes.
“That was a really lovely speech Bethany.” His soft words make me look up. His smile is warm and genuine but all I can focus on his how tempting his soft full lips look. I swallow the dryness once more and take another sip of water.
“Thank you.” I shake my head in an effort to push the last five minutes from my mind. My cheeks are still burning and I can still feel eyes on me even though Sofia’s Granddad is doing his best to captivate the Italian speaking part of the room. The speeches may have ended but he is just a little reluctant to let go of the spotlight. The room starts to fill with more noise as people begin to mingle from table to table. “Stolen lyrics, hardly original but—”
He interrupts. “—No it was perfect, from the heart . . . from your heart.” Something flashes across his face but it was so quick, maybe sorrow, maybe anger but it’s gone and his killer grin is back in force. “So no regrets?”
A sharp laugh leaves my mouth with my look of astonishment that he seems happy to dive into such a potentially volatile topic of discussion but maybe he thinks the venue will prevent me from answering honestly. He is very wrong, if anything this whole situation is liberating. I have no need to lie or sugar coat and with no future with him to covert and protect. I have no consequences to fear from full disclosure. “Yes Daniel.” I laugh again feeling relaxed and comfortable, happy to tell him anything he wants to hear. “I have no regrets, because I meant what I said, good or bad, my decisions meant I spent part of my life with you and no . . . I don’t regret that. But that’s not the question you really want to ask?” I fix him with my eyes and notice he looks a little wary maybe he senses the change in my tone, in my confidence. “You want to know if I accept I made mistakes.” I take another sip of the water I have cradled in my hands and notice his eyes widen just a fraction. “Oh I made mistakes, huge mistakes. I fucked up but I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant protecting you from a life of . . . well, let’s just say I don’t regret trying to protect someone I love.” I smile and chuckle as his mask slips, his jaw twitches and his throat takes a slow swallow of his champagne. I never said I would make it easy either. I know my words won’t change his mind but there is no reason I have to keep them inside like an insidious poison that erodes me from the inside out.
