If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  Layla looked around. She supposed it was cool. It was a new, trendy place with loads of mirrors and fancy lights, but it was smallish and it had a good atmosphere.

  ‘What else?’ JJ asked.

  ‘I’m worried about my mum. Being looked after by someone I don’t know.’

  JJ nodded. ‘Fair enough. But Stacy is a certified helper and she has dealt with people like your mum before. Loads of times. She won’t bat an eyelid over anything and she has bags of patience.’

  Layla took a breath. ‘Right. You’re right. I’m sure it will all be OK.’ She had spent over an hour quizzing Stacy before she could even think of leaving and coming to the bar, so Layla wasn’t quite sure why she was in such a state over it.

  ‘Have you booked an appointment with your GP for her?’

  ‘We’re going in next week,’ Layla replied, feeling her stomach tighten. She couldn’t help thinking that getting a diagnosis might be the beginning of her problems, not the end of them, because whatever help her mum might need, Layla wasn’t sure she could provide it or pay for someone else to provide it. She shook the feeling off as best she could, knowing it might ruin her evening otherwise.

  ‘Great.’ JJ looked pleased. ‘Anything else?’

  Layla was aware that JJ was laughing at her a tad and she instantly relaxed. ‘Right, the last thing… I’m anxious about having some fun. I’m rusty, you know?’ She felt herself go bright red.

  JJ reached an arm out and gave her a hug. ‘Layla. Relax! Please. Otherwise you’re going to give off a weird, shitty vibe. My mates will love you. You’re cool and very pretty. Just… see what happens. OK?’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Did you message that guy back, by the way? Archie or whatever his name is.’

  ‘Alfie? No. Not yet. I’m worried I’ll mess it up with him. I need to get my confidence up first, you know?’

  ‘Fair enough.’ JJ checked his watch. ‘The guys should be here soon.’

  Layla looked over JJ’s shoulder and saw a group of guys heading towards them. ‘Oh God. I think your mates have turned up.’

  JJ spun round. ‘Yep! That’s them. I’ll introduce you… OK, so this is Mark…’

  * * *

  A few hours later, Layla’s nerves had disappeared. JJ’s friends were lovely. Chatty, flirty and fun. Most of them were friends from the gym, so they all had good physiques and no qualms about flexing their biceps for laughs or lifting up their tops to reveal their six packs. Layla was feeling pretty great. She had no idea if any of JJ’s friends actually fancied her, but it felt lovely to be chatted up and she hadn’t laughed so much in ages.

  Just doing this was a huge confidence boost, she realised. At one point in the evening, she thought she saw Alfie in the bar, but decided she must be mistaken. The guy had similar hair, but wore much smarter clothes and he wasn’t as smiley. Layla did make a decision that she would get in touch with him again soon, however. He was lovely and she felt that they had a spark and a connection that was worth following up on.

  JJ winked at her and she winked back. She was having loads of fun and she was glad she had agreed to come out with him and his friends.

  ‘So, tell me more about your job,’ said one of JJ’s friend’s.

  Layla squinted at him – was he the one called Mark? She was rather drunk by this point, so she couldn’t say for sure.

  ‘My job… what do you want to know?’

  Mark leant on the bar close to her and considered. ‘I guess… I was wondering if you psychoanalysed your clients.’

  Layla laughed. ‘Not so much. It’s more that they… talk to me about what’s going on in their lives and I analyse that. Based on my studies and on what I know about them and their background.’

  ‘Damn.’ Mark pretended to look disappointed. ‘I was going to get you to pyschoanalyse me.’

  Layla’s mouth twitched. He was definitely flirting with her. ‘Well. I could probably still do that. If you want me to.’

  ‘Go on then.’ Mark moved even closer. ‘I’m all ears.’

  Layla put a finger to her mouth. ‘OK. So you’re confident. You have pretty buoyant self-esteem.’

  ‘Are you saying I love myself?’ Mark looked affronted.

  ‘Yes. Yes I am.’

  Mark let out a loud laugh. ‘Cheeky! But you’re spot on so far. Go on.’

  Layla carried on outlining her pretend psychoanalysis, enjoying how much Mark was laughing at her comments. She took a moment to observe him. He was an attractive guy. Well-dressed, smart. He did love himself, there was no doubt about that. But he had a good physique and a friendly, open face. Dark, with dark eyes – not really her type, but he was making her feel great. In a different way to Alfie, but still. Layla hadn’t been made to feel sexy like this in a long time. Alfie had made her feel sexy, but in a very different way. He was… a relationship guy. Whereas Mark… he was a good time guy. For sure.

  ‘Do you… fancy taking this elsewhere?’ Mark asked, putting his hand on hers. ‘Maybe… back to yours?’

  Layla was taken aback. Wow. He was forward! Did she fancy him enough to leave the bar and go somewhere with him? She wasn’t sure. Mark was a player; that much was clear. And Layla didn’t really need to get involved with a player. But then… she wasn’t really getting involved as such. She was just supposed to be having some fun. And Mark was attractive. Maybe just a kiss somewhere?

  ‘We can’t really go back to mine,’ she said cautiously. ‘That would be kind of difficult.’

  ‘You’re not married, are you?’ Mark put a hand on his heart. ‘I’ll be devastated.’

  Layla shoved him. ‘Stop it! No, I’m not married. It’s just not… it’s hard to explain.’

  ‘Explain on the way,’ Mark said, picking up her jacket. ‘But either way, let’s get out of here.’ He leant over and kissed her. ‘Shall we?’

  Layla thought for a second. It was a good kiss. Not heart-stopping by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a good kiss. And Mark was nice enough. Not Alfie, but he was nice enough, and she was having some fun. To get herself ready for the real deal, should she be able to make that happen, Layla reminded herself.

  ‘Let’s,’ she said, allowing him to hold her jacket out for her to put on. She went over to JJ. ‘I’m leaving. Er… with Mark.’

  ‘I can see that.’ JJ kissed her cheek. ‘He’s a bit of a player, that one. Just saying.’

  ‘I know.’ Layla nodded. ‘Just having a bit of fun. I know what he’s about.’

  ‘Great. Enjoy yourself.’ JJ squeezed her hand. ‘Call me later. Or in the morning.’ He grinned.

  Layla smiled, shook her head and left the bar with Mark.

  ‘So what’s the deal at yours?’ Mark asked, grabbing her hand. ‘If it’s not a husband, what’s so scary there?’

  ‘Nothing scary,’ Layla said. She wasn’t sure how much to tell Mark. She hadn’t wanted to open up to Alfie and she had felt way more connected to him. But wasn’t Mark supposed to be her trial run at all this?

  ‘It’s… my mum,’ she said, deciding to be brave.

  ‘Your mum.’ Mark stopped her and kissed her. Pushed her up against a wall and did it again.

  Layla felt a rush of excitement. God, she needed this. She wasn’t sure Mark was the right person to do it with. But she had promised herself that she would ‘get back in the saddle’ as it were and get her confidence up. And Mark was fun. Mark was here to make her feel good about herself so she could move on and try and do things properly. Hopefully with Alfie.

  So why did she feel that she didn’t really want to be kissing Mark anymore? Layla was annoyed with herself. She had a perfect opportunity here and she wasn’t sure she wanted it. Maybe she liked Alfie more than she had realised. Or maybe she was just being a big, girly wuss.

  Layla kissed Mark back. His hands were everywhere, which was sort of arousing, but still, she was unsure. She pushed him back gently.

  ‘What’s up?’ Mark leant in for another kiss.

&nbs
p; ‘Nothing. I just… can we slow it down a bit?’

  Mark shrugged. ‘Sure.’ He moved back from her and straightened his clothes. ‘Let’s walk.’

  ‘OK.’ Layla felt relieved. They walked along together, although Mark hadn’t grabbed her hand this time.

  ‘So where were we? You were telling me about your mum being at yours.’ Mark was obviously making an effort to make conversation. ‘Is she staying there?’

  ‘Not as such.’ Layla decided to go for full honesty. Mark seemed like a nice enough guy. He’d understand. ‘My mum lives with me.’

  ‘Really?’ Mark looked surprised and not overly impressed. ‘How come?’

  ‘She didn’t always live with me, obviously,’ Layla explained. ‘She had her own house but she sold it recently and came to stay for a while.’

  ‘What, and you haven’t been able to kick her out yet?’ Mark joked.

  Layla frowned slightly. ‘Well, I didn’t really want to kick her out. It’s more that I noticed she wasn’t herself and thought she should stay with me.’

  ‘Not herself?’ Mark checked his watch.

  Layla felt panicked. Was he losing interest? Was she boring him, talking about her mum? ‘Er, yes. She’s been acting a bit weirdly. I think she might have dementia.’

  ‘Rightio.’ Mark looked weirded out. ‘Does she shout out and stuff like that?’

  ‘Kind of. Sometimes. I mean, some of the time, she’s actually totally normal and you wouldn’t even know there’s anything going on with her.’

  ‘OK…’

  Layla bit her lip. ‘Sorry. This is hardly sexy talk, is it?’

  Mark laughed, but there was an awkward edge to it.

  ‘It’s honestly nothing to worry about,’ Layla said, wondering why she felt desperate to lure Mark back in again. She wasn’t even sure she fancied him that much, but suddenly, it seemed of the upmost importance to get Mark back on board. Maybe in terms of the bigger picture, rather than anything else.

  ‘You’re sexy though,’ Layla said, believing it might be the kind of thing Mark would want to hear.

  He met her eyes and gave her a half-smile. ‘Am I?’ he said, taking her hand again.

  Layla felt absurdly relieved. Had she clawed it back? ‘Yes. Yes, you are.’

  ‘So are you,’ Mark said, leaning into her. He kissed her and Layla kissed him back. Mark’s hands became more frantic and Layla laughed and gently pulled back.

  ‘Where can we go?’ Mark said, his breath heavy.

  Layla hesitated. What was she supposed to do? Take him back to hers and risk her mum bursting into the room? Go back to Mark’s and spend the entire time panicking that something might be wrong and that she shouldn’t be so selfish?

  Mark ran his hands over her body. Layla felt herself jerking to life – not because it was Mark specifically, but because she had badly missed intimacy and sex and affection and physical touch.

  ‘Could we… could we go to yours?’ she asked. She wasn’t sure it was even possible, but she felt she should suggest it.

  Mark shook his head, pulling her closer. ‘I’m afraid not. I’m having my bathroom and kitchen re-done. The place is a tip… I’m living in my spare room at the moment and even that’s covered in dust.’ He scooped her up and kissed her again. ‘Let’s go to yours.’

  Layla swallowed. ‘I don’t know. It’s just that my mum…’

  ‘Oh yes. I’d forgotten about that.’ Mark loosened his grip. ‘Is she really that annoying?’

  Layla felt affronted by the question. Of course her mum was annoying, but she wasn’t sure she liked Mark saying it. ‘She’s not that bad, no. But she might come in my room or something…’

  Mark recoiled. ‘Christ. So it probably wouldn’t be great if I came back with you then? Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, after all.’ He let go of her and even though he didn’t take an actual step backwards, he might as well have done.

  Layla felt her confidence plummet. ‘Oh. OK. It’s just… I have someone sitting with her… this lady called Stacy, who’s experienced in all this stuff. Apart from that, Mum might be fast asleep anyway. She doesn’t really get out of bed at night… not unless she gets freaked out by something and then she’s usually back within minutes once she’s calmed down…’

  ‘Listen,’ Mark interrupted, his eyes glazing over slightly. ‘You’re absolutely lovely. And in different circumstances, I’d love to come back to yours. But it all sounds a bit complicated, so perhaps I should get you a cab and we’ll call it a night?’

  Layla faltered. And felt terrible. This wasn’t the reaction she’d been looking for. She’d hoped Mark wouldn’t bat an eyelid and they could have got round it somehow. But he obviously didn’t want to now. Layla felt upset and acutely embarrassed. Was this how her life was going to be now?

  ‘No worries,’ she said with a bright smile and a heavy heart. ‘If you grab me a cab, I’ll be on my way.’

  Mark looked as though he felt bad, but he hailed her a cab pretty quickly nonetheless.

  ‘Sorry,’ he said as she climbed in.

  ‘It’s fine,’ she said, feeling shaky. ‘No problem at all.’

  The cab drove off and Layla stayed facing forwards and she didn’t look back. What was the point?

  ‘Where to, love?’ the driver asked.

  Layla managed to tell him her address, before bursting into tears. And she didn’t even know why. But she felt absolutely horrendous. Let down and disappointed and sad and upset. She guessed it wasn’t really about Mark. It was about her and about her situation. And about Alfie, who had seemed really lovely, especially compared to Mark, who clearly wasn’t really lovely at all, because even if Alfie was a good guy, he would probably still think Layla was a loser for having her mum living with her at her age. Throw in the fact that her mum was most likely suffering from dementia and Layla was fairly sure that even the most understanding and sensitive of men would find that situation a turn-off.

  ‘You all right, love?’ the driver asked, giving her a sympathetic look in his mirror.

  Layla nodded. Then shook her head. She wasn’t all right. She really wasn’t. She felt crushed and hopeless. But that wasn’t a conversation to have with her cab driver, who was probably just politely checking on her rather than actually inviting her to open up and tell him all about her inner turmoil.

  Climbing out of the cab and thanking the driver, Layla tearfully sent JJ a quick text saying that nothing had happened with Mark and that she would explain in the morning. She opened the front door despondently, apprehensive about what was waiting for her. Heading upstairs, Layla found Stacy in the lounge. She was sitting upright, looking professional, with what looked like a notepad on her lap.

  ‘Has it been a bad night?’ Layla asked anxiously.

  ‘It was… challenging,’ Stacy confessed briskly. ‘Nothing I haven’t seen before, Layla, but there have been hysterics tonight. Some screaming and crying.’

  ‘Oh no.’

  Layla felt even more deflated. And she couldn’t believe she had even contemplated bringing Mark back to her house. How grim would that have been? To walk in on Stacy providing a review of the evening saying how difficult her mum had been. Layla inwardly cringed. Mark had run a mile and he hadn’t even made it further than a short walk from the pub. What on earth would have happened if they’d made it home?

  Stacy put a hand out to reassure her. ‘It was because your mum got disorientated when she woke up and found you weren’t here, that’s all.’

  Layla plummeted further. Her mum seemed so attached to her. Unhealthily so. How was she ever supposed to be able to have a life of her own when she couldn’t even go out for a few hours?

  Layla immediately felt guilty. She was so selfish. Her mum had looked after her all her life. It was the least she could do, to return the favour. And at least she had Stacy to step in now again, even if she was a bit pricey.

  ‘I’ve made a few notes for you to take to your GP,’ Stacy said, handing them over. ‘If you
want to, that is. Just some observations.’

  ‘Thanks. That’s great.’

  Stacy smiled kindly. ‘I know how hard this can be, I really do. You’re definitely going to need some help.’

  Layla nodded. She needed all the help she could get.

  ‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to help out after tonight, though,’ Stacy informed her, getting to her feet. ‘I’ve been offered a job abroad and it’s too good to turn down.’

  ‘Oh.’ Layla felt like crying again. ‘That’s fantastic. Good for you.’

  ‘It will be all right,’ Stacy reassured her as she left. ‘Get your mum diagnosed and then you can get some help.’

  But she doesn’t settle with anyone else, Layla thought to herself despairingly as she closed the door. How am I supposed to hand her over to anyone else – ever? It was like having a clingy, emotional child.

  ‘Layla, is that you?’

  Layla closed her eyes. Mum was up. Which meant another few hours up trying to get her back to sleep, because that was what always happened.

  ‘I’m here, Mum,’ she called. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘The bed’s all wet,’ her mum said in a small voice. ‘I think I had an accident.’

  Layla felt hot tears come to her eyes again, but she pushed them back. There was no point in crying anymore. This was just how her life had turned out. There were far worse things going on in the world than this and Layla knew she had no right to feel upset. She got herself under control and took a deep breath.

  ‘Stay there, Mum. I’m coming.’

  JJ

  JJ came home after working out with a client for two hours and checked his phone. He hadn’t looked at it all morning, leaving it charging while he went to work. He’d got home late from the drinks with Layla and the boys, but he hadn’t been drunk. He’d kept it low-key because he knew he had work in the morning and he felt better for it. He had seen a message from Layla saying that things hadn’t worked out with Mark and that she would explain in the morning and he had relaxed and gone to sleep shortly afterwards.

  Starting to make himself a protein shake, JJ realised he’d missed a number of messages. A few from Mark, another from Layla and more obscurely, one from Connie. Connie rarely messaged him.