If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  But of late, it felt more like Connie had become his friend again and as though Jonas had stepped into the shadows. Jonas had changed. He wasn’t the guy he used to be. JJ wasn’t sure why exactly, but Jonas seemed harder. More aggressive. More selfish. More martyred about his life… unappreciative of what he had and how amazing his future could be if he would only embrace it.

  JJ took out his phone again. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he kept having a strong feeling that Connie was reaching out to him. Not in any physical way; she had kept her distance from him by not phoning or texting, but if it didn’t sound ridiculous, JJ could feel Connie reaching out to him on some other level. He could hardly believe he was thinking such a thing; he wasn’t exactly prone to feeling or thinking about ‘spiritual’ vibes or whatever. But he just knew Connie was thinking about him and wishing she could get in touch with him.

  Not pausing to think about it any further, JJ dialled her number. She answered immediately.

  ‘JJ.’

  ‘Where are you?’ JJ asked.

  ‘I’ve just been to some recruitment agencies.’

  ‘Meet me back at mine for a coffee?’ he suggested before he could stop himself.

  There was a pause. ‘OK. I’ll be around forty-five minutes, I should think.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter. I need to have a shower and go through my appointments,’ JJ said. ‘See you whenever you get there.’

  They rang off and JJ headed home. He felt an excitement inside that he hadn’t felt in years. Not because he thought something was going to happen, because it absolutely wasn’t, but simply because he was seeing Connie again. And he had wanted to see her for weeks. Arriving home, he had a shower and threw on some denim shorts and a white shirt. He tidied the house even thought it was already immaculate and then, to while away the rest of the time, he went through his phone and sorted his appointments for the week. It was Monday, which was usually his busiest day, but he only had three clients booked in and they weren’t scheduled until later.

  The doorbell rang and JJ’s heart leapt a bit. He squashed it down and answered the door.

  ‘Hey.’ Connie stood still for a moment. Then she came in.

  JJ didn’t even think; he just hugged her. She clung onto him and hugged him back – was she was crying? He closed the door with one hand and put that hand on Connie’s head. Stroked her hair until she loosened her hold on him and wasn’t clutching at him desperately. When she relaxed into him completely, JJ still held her. Their breathing synchronised and JJ let out a deep breath. She felt so right. That was the weird thing. Connie had always felt right. And JJ had spent years hoping in some ways that one of the girls who had come along might make him feel that way. He had waited and waited and waited for that connection, but it had never happened. He had never felt the same way. JJ wasn’t even sure if he had been aware that he had been looking for it at the time. He hadn’t been that self-aware. All he had been conscious of was a sense of disappointment when it hadn’t happened. A sense of detachment that had enabled him to step back and not get involved with any girl that had come into his life.

  ‘Are you OK?’ he said into her hair.

  ‘I am now,’ Connie said.

  JJ felt her smile into his shoulder. He felt her pulling away and had an irrational urge to hold onto her for longer. Instead, he allowed her to break free and he smoothed her dark hair down, trailed his finger down the side of her face. Her skin felt soft and warm.

  She closed her eyes as if the tender gesture had made her come undone and her lip trembled slightly.

  JJ had an irrational urge to kiss her. She looked beautiful standing there, with her eyes brimming with tears. Her dusting of freckles had come out more with the tan she had acquired in Tuscany, but beneath that, she looked pale and tired. There was a sag to her shoulders – a resignation that definitely hadn’t been there before. JJ knew that he probably could kiss her right now as she was vulnerable and weak, but he didn’t want her that way. It wasn’t the right thing to do.

  ‘Coffee?’ he said instead.

  Connie opened her eyes. ‘Yes please,’ she said gratefully.

  JJ led the way to the kitchen and started his coffee machine. ‘So what’s up?’ he asked, keeping his tone casual.

  Connie took a seat and looked around his kitchen. ‘Wow. It’s even more minimalist that I remembered.’

  JJ shrugged. ‘You know me and my neatness thing. Can’t have too many gadgets and knick-knacks out; stresses me out.’

  Connie laughed. ‘I know. Layla would say you have control issues or something like that.’

  ‘She already has.’ JJ took out some small, cream Le Creuset coffee cups. ‘And I’m sure she’s absolutely right.’

  ‘Has she ever tried to psychoanalyse you?’

  JJ paused. ‘Yes. A few times.’ It had made him hugely uncomfortable and he had backed away immediately from it. He turned to face Connie. ‘Anyway. Stop avoiding the question. What’s up?’

  She sighed. ‘You know me so well. There is something up. You know that Jonas wants me to get a job and all that?’

  JJ nodded. ‘Yes. He told me over a few beers recently.’ He didn’t elaborate because he didn’t want to talk about how cocky and obnoxious Jonas had been that night. ‘That must have been a massive shock for you.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, it was. The whole thing was horrible.’ Connie paused as though she was remembering the scene in her head. ‘Jonas was… horrible.’ She dropped her eyes.

  JJ waited. Hoped she would open up and tell him everything that was happening in her life.

  Connie lifted her head. ‘I – I can’t talk about all of it, JJ. I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I just can’t.’ Her eyes pleaded with him. They were full of tears, but none had spilled over yet.

  JJ wanted to hug her again. ‘It’s OK. It’s honestly OK. If you want to tell me, ever, though, I want you to know that you can.’

  ‘I do know that.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘And if I can one day, I will. I promise.’

  JJ sorted two coffees and pushed one across to Connie. ‘Is that what’s bothering you today? The way Jonas has been?’

  Connie shook her head. ‘That always bothers me, if I’m honest. Every day. But no, it’s not that. It’s this job thing.’

  ‘Well, I’m not surprised. I think most people would be reeling from being dealt that kind of blow.’ Once again, JJ felt furious. How could Jonas do that to Connie? He got that Jonas had worked hard for years, but Connie hadn’t exactly been sitting on her arse doing nothing. Jonas could have just asked Connie to help him shoulder some of the responsibility so they were shouldering it together.

  JJ sipped his coffee and burnt his tongue. What did he know? Where did he get off being so sanctimonious? He hadn’t been in a long-term relationship the way they had. Maybe this was normal for couples after fifteen years and two kids. Perhaps he was being too judgemental. His gut told him he wasn’t, but on the surface of it, JJ was aware that he wasn’t necessarily best placed to be criticising relationships.

  ‘It’s not even that,’ Connie said. ‘I mean, yes, it was a shock. And I’m gutted that Jonas acted the way he did about it.’ She faltered again, but only for a moment. Visibly pulling herself together, she continued. ‘Once I’d got over the shock, I thought: OK. This could be good. I was getting bored just writing my blog. I want something to get my teeth into. I felt oddly empowered.’

  ‘Empowered?’

  ‘Yes. Because now I can contribute.’

  ‘Jonas doesn’t want you to contribute, he wants you to take everything on,’ JJ retorted.

  Connie made an impatient noise. ‘Yes, I know. But I felt empowered at the thought of taking everything on. Of letting him stay at home and do all the housework and stuff. I wanted to be the breadwinner.’

  ‘So…’ JJ was confused.

  ‘I can’t get a job!’ Connie shook her head. ‘That’s the problem, JJ. I sent off my CV all gung-ho, thinking I was goi
ng to just ace this. I had all these amazing visions of getting my old job back and earning loads of money and showing Jonas I could do just as well as he always has to support the family.’

  ‘It’s only been a few weeks, Con!’

  Connie shrugged. ‘I know. But I need a job, JJ. A good, well-paid job. Jonas has sold some shares to tide us over, but he’s being pretty cagey about that and I don’t know how much longer that money will last. There are loads of jobs I can get like cleaning and suchlike but they don’t pay enough. I’d happily do them, but I wouldn’t earn enough.’ She put her head in her hands. ‘What the hell am I supposed to do?’

  JJ put his hand on her shoulder. ‘Look, if I’m speaking out of turn, tell me. But why can’t Jonas do something as well? His name might be mud in the legal world, but it isn’t anywhere else. I’m sure he could still get something if he wanted to.’

  ‘He doesn’t want to,’ Connie stated firmly. ‘Rightly or wrongly, he doesn’t want to. So it’s all down to me. And I was all bolshy about it in the first place, thinking that being a mum had given me all these skills that people would be desperate for in the workplace. I was naïve. No one wants my “mum skills”. No one thinks all the stuff I’ve learnt as a journalist and as a parent is worth having from the point of view of a job.’

  JJ refused to believe that and he wanted to help. ‘Let me ask at the gym,’ he offered. ‘They might have something.’

  ‘Thank you. Please do. But unless it’s going to pay me nearly six figures, I don’t see how I could take it.’ Connie looked desolate.

  JJ squeezed her shoulder. ‘There has to be another way, then. If you can’t get a job that pays that kind of money, there will be something else.’

  ‘Like what?’

  JJ thought for a moment. ‘Sell the house. Re-train to do something else. Get Jonas to get a job that at least will take the pressure off. Get him to sell more shares. Re-mortgage the house.’

  ‘Wow.’ Connie started to smile. ‘You’re brilliant. I wish I’d thought of all of those things.’

  JJ smiled back.

  ‘But I don’t think Jonas will agree to any of those things,’ Connie said hopelessly. ‘I’ll try and suggest them, but I think he will see selling the house as me failing. And letting him down.’ A flash of anger came into her eyes. ‘Not that he should, in the circumstances.’

  JJ knew she wasn’t just talking about the job thing. Mentally, he willed her to open up, but he knew she wasn’t ready. Maybe she wouldn’t ever be ready.

  ‘I should go,’ Connie said.

  She sounded reluctant. JJ didn’t want her to go either. His phone buzzed. It was Jonas.

  ‘Jonas keeps calling me,’ he said to Connie.

  ‘Does he?’ Connie got off the bar stool. ‘You don’t have to avoid him because of me.’

  ‘I’m not,’ JJ answered honestly. ‘I’m avoiding him because I think he’s being a twat at the moment.’

  Connie chewed on her lip as if she badly wanted to say something, but she turned and left the kitchen. JJ followed her.

  ‘Why don’t you have a girlfriend?’ Connie suddenly asked him.

  JJ was startled. Where had that come from? He thought about his answer carefully. ‘Because I’ve spent a long time searching for something I once had, that I was stupid enough to lose. Because I was scared and I didn’t realise what I had. Because I was terrified of letting that person in and being seen, with all my ugly flaws.’

  Connie gazed at him, searching his face.

  ‘And I haven’t been able to find anything close to it since,’ JJ finished. He was sure Connie knew what he meant. Who he was talking about. He looked into her eyes.

  She looked gutted. Devastated by his words. Perhaps she knew it was too late for both of them. She opened the front door, then turned back to him and put her hand on his cheek.

  ‘JJ. If you really do have ugly flaws, just remember that when a person truly loves another, they accept those flaws and still love that person with all their heart. If they are given the chance.’ She removed her hand. ‘I’ll speak to you soon. Thank you for the chat. It means a lot to me. You… mean a lot to me.’

  JJ stared after her. He closed the door and leant against it. Was Connie saying she would still have loved him, in spite of his flaws? But that was easy to say when she didn’t know what they were, he reasoned. If she knew…

  But maybe JJ was wrong. Maybe he should have given her a chance. Maybe his entire life might have been different if he’d been able to take a leap of faith. If his shame and need for self-preservation at the time hadn’t been more important than his love for her.

  JJ padded tiredly back to the kitchen. His phone beeped again. It beeped again and again and again. Jonas? JJ glanced at his phone, then did a double take. It wasn’t Jonas. It was his dad. It was his dad messaging over and over again.

  How had he got this new number? What did JJ have to do to escape from him? Why was he having to go through all of this again? He curled his fist around his phone and held it as it beeped again and again. He didn’t need to look at it to know who or why. He just wanted to escape.

  JJ thought about Connie and turned off his phone. Blocked out any thoughts of his dad. Maybe he could get through this. If he had Connie. In whatever capacity. As a friend… or maybe as something more. Not that JJ ever thought that could happen. But maybe she was that tiny glimmer of hope he needed.

  Connie

  ‘Is there anything I can do at the magazine?’

  Connie’s old boss Janine sat back in her chair. ‘I’d love to give you a job. I just don’t know what openings we have at the moment. And everything has changed around here.’

  Janine wasn’t kidding. The office layout was completely different – instead of individual cubicles, it was more of an open plan with a few, more closed-off areas. The colours were fresh and modern and pretty much every staff member was different. Hell, even the name of the magazine had changed. Essentially, she knew it was the same magazine, it just had a glossy, contemporary twist.

  Even Janine looked different. When they had worked together, Janine had been a brassy blond with a penchant for low-cut blouses and tight pencil skirts. Today, she was rocking a dark, shiny bob, a red trouser suit and a jaunty neck-scarf. Connie was glad she’d made an effort with her slim, cream skirt and black, silky blouse, but she felt rather safe and unfashionable compared to Janine’s dynamic new look.

  ‘As you know, I left five years ago and came back again,’ Janine was saying.

  Connie nodded. She and Janine had kept in touch since Connie left.

  ‘They put someone else in charge to re-vamp the magazine and it didn’t really work out, so they coaxed me back again.’ Janine sat up again. ‘So this blog of yours has done well. Making money from it, if you don’t mind me asking?’

  ‘Yes. Quite a nice turnover, actually.’

  Janine regarded her shrewdly. ‘So why do you want to come back here?’

  Connie felt herself flush slightly. Janine had always been as sharp as a tack. ‘Because Jonas got fired and I need to get myself out there working again. I’m still writing my blog, but I need to get a secure job with proper hours.’

  ‘I see.’ Janine raised her eyebrows. ‘Jonas got fired, did he?’

  ‘Yes. He did have a bastard of a boss, but I think he also took on too much work. Couldn’t keep up with all his cases and they got rid of him.’

  ‘And how are you both getting on?’ Janine sat back again and twirled a pen on her fingers.

  Connie felt as if she’d gone back in time. Firstly because of the pen twirling and secondly because Janine was an expert interviewer. Connie could sense her inquisitive antennae standing to attention.

  ‘We’re getting on really badly,’ Connie said, not bothering to gloss over reality. She and Janine had always spoken truthfully to one another and it didn’t matter how much time had passed since they had last seen each other. ‘Really, really badly. Jonas has been unbearable for the last few y
ears and I wouldn’t be surprised if our marriage was over.’

  Connie felt shocked at saying those words out loud. She had felt them a few times, especially in the last few months, and recently she had toyed with them a bit more, but that was the first time she had said the words out loud like that.

  Janine nodded sagely. ‘Fair enough. I never thought he was right for you, actually.’

  Connie’s head snapped up. She was taken aback. Janine had never said that before! She had always been courteous and polite towards and about Jonas. ‘Why not?’ she asked, interested to know. She rated Janine’s opinion; always had.

  ‘I just never really thought you were compatible,’ Janine admitted. ‘I didn’t think he was good enough for you when I first met you both and then, over time, I revised that opinion a bit.’ Her phone rang and she turned it to silent. ‘Then I just came to the conclusion that you weren’t the best match in the world.’

  ‘I never knew that.’ Connie was fascinated. She had always thought she and Jonas were a good match and had always assumed that everyone else thought that too.

  ‘Don’t get me wrong; I think Jonas is a good guy.’ Janine narrowed her eyes. ‘Well. Let’s just say – I think he’s a good guy with an unattractive streak in him. I think he’s capable of being pretty nasty if he wants to be. But you don’t need to comment on that.’

  Connie shook her head. ‘I won’t, if you don’t mind.’

  Janine waved a hand. ‘But my point is – and quite frankly, what do I know and what does it matter – I just didn’t even think you were right for one another. I thought Jonas was besotted with you to the point of putting you on a pedestal and I think you loved him very much, but I don’t think it was because you saw him as the love of your life. I think it was maybe because of how much he loved you and how safe he made you feel. Especially since you were pregnant so early on.’