If I Fall

by Ella Harper

  ‘Not great,’ Miles said, sitting down on the sofa. ‘I thought I’d met a lovely girl last week and then all my issues kicked in.’

  ‘Oh dear.’ Layla took up her place opposite him. ‘Tell me what happened.’

  They were half an hour into the session when Layla heard her mum calling.

  ‘Layla! Layla! Layla!’

  Layla pulled a face. ‘I’m so sorry, Miles.’

  ‘Who’s that?’ Miles frowned. ‘Is that your mum again?’

  ‘Yes. I’m really sorry – do you mind if I check on her?’ Layla got up as her mum started calling again, even louder. ‘She might… hurt herself.’

  Miles looked put out. ‘Well, OK – but it won’t eat into my session time again, will it?’

  ‘Of course not,’ Layla reassured him. ‘I’ll be two minutes, I promise. And apologies, I know this looks unprofessional, but my mum really is very ill.’ She didn’t want to disclose the issue in detail unless she had to, so for now, she was keeping it on the low-down about her mum’s dementia.

  Miles huffed a bit and took out his phone.

  Layla dashed upstairs. Her mum was standing there with wet clothes. Again. This was getting too hard.

  ‘I have pains,’ Evelyn was saying in a whiny voice. ‘Pains in my tummy and my back.’

  Layla gritted her teeth. She had been talking about these pains for a few days now and probably needed to go to the doctor’s. It was just a bit tricky because Evelyn often complained about having pains on any given day and then she seemed to forget about them. Layla had gone through a spate of visiting the GP constantly only to find that the pain had been temporary or even imaginary. Not one doctor’s visit had amounted to anything, but Layla was conscious that she had to make sure. She made a mental note to call the surgery later.

  ‘Come on. Let’s get you changed again,’ Layla sighed, taking her to the shower. She quickly undressed her mum and put her under the water.

  ‘It’s freezing!’ Evelyn shrieked at the top of her voice.

  Layla shushed her, conscious of Miles sitting downstairs in her office, and helped her mum get cleaned up. Throwing the wet clothes into a bag, Layla got her mum in a fresh outfit, gave her a pile of magazines to read, and put the TV on.

  ‘I’ll be back soon,’ she called out as she went downstairs. ‘Sorry, Miles. I do apologise.’ She sat back down and smoothed her hair down. She felt flustered. ‘Where were we?’

  Miles looked cross. ‘You’ve been ages. This is the second time this has happened.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Layla said again. She felt panicked. Miles seemed really annoyed. ‘Do carry on, Miles, and take your time. As long as you’re not in a hurry, neither am I, so please stay later and get your full session. I remember now. You were talking about your mum’s comments about your weight as a child and how they might have affected your self-esteem now.’

  ‘Right, yes.’ Miles collected himself, got over his huff and started talking again.

  They were deep into the session ten minutes later when Layla heard her name called out again.

  Please no, she pleaded silently. Layla willed her mum to go back to her bedroom. Just for another fifteen minutes or so.

  Miles stopped talking.

  Layla urged him to talk again. Maybe her mum would forget she needed something. It was extremely awkward after she’d already left the session once before.

  ‘Layla!’ Her mum called again. ‘Help!’

  ‘This is ridiculous,’ Miles said. ‘I’m sorry, Layla, but it’s not appropriate that our session has been interrupted twice like this. It’s tricky enough for me to get to these sessions as it is.’

  Layla rushed to reassure him. ‘I know, Miles. I’m incredibly sorry. My mum has dementia and I’m waiting to get some help with her. It’s not OK that your session has been disrupted like this.’

  ‘LAYLA!!!’

  Layla closed her eyes.

  Miles got up. ‘Listen, Layla. I sympathise, honestly. But maybe I should find another therapist until you get this thing sorted out.’

  ‘Oh, Miles. Please don’t find another therapist. We were making such good headway.’ Layla wasn’t just saying that – they were.

  ‘Maybe so, but you keep running off and I lose my train of thought.’ Miles put his coat on. ‘Being in therapy is hard, Layla. Opening up isn’t easy. I can’t keep going in and out of my thoughts like this.’

  Layla felt like crying. ‘OK, Miles. I really hope you don’t swap therapists because I would love to carry on working with you. But if you really feel that you need to, I can’t stop you and it’s your choice.’

  ‘Yes, it is. Bye, Layla.’ Miles left, shutting the door loudly behind him.

  Layla sat on the stairs and put her head in her hands. Hearing her mum calling out to her again and again and again, Layla moved her hands to her ears, blocking the noise out. Just to get a moment’s peace. Another client lost. And her mum was getting worse. By the day, it seemed. And still no one was helping her. The system was so slow, it was all becoming horribly unbearable.

  Tears splashed down onto Layla’s lap without her even realising she was crying. She didn’t want to be here anymore. She wanted to fling the front door open and run out. And keep on running until she couldn’t run anymore. Until her responsibilities were far, far behind her and until someone else had to deal with them. Because Layla couldn’t cope. She couldn’t dig any deeper than she already had. She had nothing left to give. And even though she didn’t want to let her mum down, Layla didn’t know how to help her anymore. She felt as though she had run out of patience. She couldn’t be nursemaid and mum and cook and cleaner and provider and everything else any more. Layla felt so alone. And so, so desperate.

  JJ

  JJ waited nervously for Connie to arrive. He wasn’t even sure she was going to turn up, but he really hoped she did.

  He had booked a nice restaurant for them to have lunch. They had been texting on and off – nothing in-depth or inappropriate, just messages to check in and say hi. But JJ wanted to talk properly to Connie today. He wasn’t sure he was going to be able to bring himself to do it, but he was going to try. JJ had no idea what had compelled him to do this today, but he felt that it was finally time.

  He had changed his number again and had had to let everyone know, but enough was enough. JJ made a pact with himself that if his dad got in touch again, he would call the police and get an injunction out. It was the only way.

  ‘Hey.’ Connie leant over and kissed his cheek.

  JJ smiled. ‘You look lovely,’ he said. She did. She was wearing a black wraparound dress and heels and her hair was loose. She looked thinner than normal, but JJ guessed that was down to stress. Connie always stopped eating when she was stressed out.

  ‘How are you?’ JJ asked.

  Connie shook her head. ‘I’ve been better. But I’m OK. And happy to be here.’

  ‘I’m glad you’ve come. Are you hungry?’

  Connie opened her menu. ‘I am, actually. I haven’t eaten properly in ages. Well, for a few days, anyway.’

  ‘The steak is good here,’ JJ commented. He caught Connie looking at him strangely and realised she was thinking he had brought other women to this restaurant. ‘This is my mate Pete’s favourite restaurant,’ he told her honestly. ‘We always come here after we’ve worked out and eat protein.’

  Connie smiled, but it was a tight smile. ‘You don’t need to explain yourself. It’s none of my business.’

  ‘I’m not explaining myself,’ JJ said, wanting to diffuse the atmosphere. ‘It’s the truth. But I’m aware that I don’t have a great reputation as far as women are concerned.’

  ‘Let’s not talk about that,’ Connie said quickly.

  ‘Let’s not,’ JJ agreed. ‘That’s not why I asked you to lunch.’

  ‘Why did you ask me?’

  ‘I wanted to talk to you about some stuff.’ JJ’s throat was suddenly dry. He drank some water.

  ‘OK.’ Connie wa
ited, but JJ must have looked as though he was struggling to get himself together. ‘Shall we talk about something else for now?’ she suggested.

  ‘Yes, please,’ JJ managed.

  Connie fell silent.

  ‘You don’t want to talk about your stuff either,’ JJ guessed.

  They ordered some drinks then turned back to one another.

  ‘Are things that bad with Jonas?’

  Connie nodded. ‘About as bad as they can be, I would say.’

  ‘Did you speak to him about the job stuff? Maybe selling the house?’

  ‘Yes. He went potty. And wouldn’t hear of any of it.’

  JJ frowned. ‘Great.’

  ‘Not really.’ Again, Connie looked as though she wanted to open up and talk to him, but she stopped herself.

  JJ wished she would trust him. For a moment, he reconsidered his plan to tell her his secret. Maybe there wasn’t much point if she couldn’t trust him? No. JJ was sticking to his guns. He was telling Connie everything today.

  ‘Did you hear back from the magazine?’ he asked, buying some time.

  ‘Not yet.’ Connie smiled. ‘Had a great chat with Janine, though. I miss her.’

  JJ waited for the waiter to take their order. Connie wanted a steak, so he ordered two for them, with all the trimmings.

  ‘It would be fantastic if you got a job there again. You’d get to see Janine again and you’d be earning good money.’

  ‘Not good enough, but it would be a brilliant start.’ Connie reached out and touched his hand. ‘Tell me why we’re here, JJ.’

  JJ put his hand on hers. And dug deep for some courage. ‘I want to tell you something about myself. Something I wanted to tell you about years ago. I tried once and I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘I remember,’ Connie said.

  JJ looked surprised. ‘Do you? It was years ago. When we were…’

  ‘At uni. I know.’ Connie nodded. ‘You started to tell me something I knew was huge to you. And you stopped yourself. You got angry. And then shortly after that, we split up.’

  ‘Shit.’ JJ hung his head. ‘You’re right. That’s exactly how it happened. I’m so sorry, Con.’

  She squeezed his hand. ‘Don’t. It was years ago. It’s done. It’s in the past.’

  ‘That’s the thing,’ JJ said, feeling haunted. ‘It’s not in the past. It should be – but it’s not.’

  ‘I don’t understand,’ Connie said, looking baffled. ‘You need to tell me what’s going on, JJ. Please trust me. I won’t judge you, I promise.’

  JJ took a breath. He could do this. ‘When I was around six years old, my mum died. I think I told you that.’

  ‘You did.’

  ‘She died and I was grief-stricken because I loved her so much. And then around a year later, my dad…’ JJ’s voice petered out. Horrible visions had come into his head again. Horrific memories. Disgusting flashbacks. He looked at Connie. Looked into her clear, blue eyes. She was willing him to speak, willing him to open up. Could he trust her? Surely he could trust her. JJ wanted to. Whatever the outcome, he was going to tell her everything.

  ‘My dad started to abuse me.’ JJ let out a jerky breath.

  Connie gasped. ‘What? Do you mean… he hit you?’

  JJ drank some more water and realised his hand was shaking. ‘To begin with, yes. He used to hit me. Push me around a bit. The beatings got worse. It was a daily thing.’

  ‘My God, JJ.’ Connie looked appalled. ‘That’s awful. I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’ She put her other hand on top of his.

  ‘But then it went further than the beatings.’ JJ felt physically sick. Why on earth had he just ordered a steak? It was pretty unlikely he’d be eating it.

  ‘Further? What do you mean?’

  JJ lifted his eyes to hers. ‘My dad used to abuse me. Erm. H-he used to sexually abuse me.’

  Connie went quiet. She shook her head, but no words came out. Then tears started to stream down her cheeks. She took one hand from his to wipe them away.

  ‘JJ.’ She choked his name out. ‘Oh, God.’

  JJ handed her his napkin. ‘Stop, Connie. Please.’

  ‘I can’t.’ She wept into the napkin. ‘I can’t believe this, JJ.’ She was sobbing now. ‘I’m so devastated that you went through this. It’s so horrible.’

  JJ didn’t know what to say. It had been the worst time of his life. And it had gone on for years. ‘Do you want me to go on? I can just leave it there if you want me to.’

  Their steaks arrived. They both pushed them to one side so they could hold hands across the table.

  ‘No. Don’t be silly.’ Connie pulled herself together. ‘I’m going to cry some more, but you keep talking. Tell me everything. Everything you can bear to tell me.’

  So that’s what JJ did. He told Connie everything. He didn’t spare the details, because she’d asked him not to. He bared his soul. All the sick, sordid details about what his dad used to do to him, night after night. Making an innocent boy no longer innocent and doomed to a life of shame and embarrassment that he hadn’t been able to defend himself or stop it from happening.

  Not until he had been old enough – or rather, big enough.

  ‘So that’s when I started working out,’ JJ explained. ‘When I was a teenager. As soon as I could, I started lifting weights. Mostly so I could actually put up a fight. And I did.’ He felt a lump in his throat, but he swallowed it down. ‘I put up a fight every night from that point onwards. And eventually, I was stronger than him. And I stopped him. And it ended. It ended.’

  JJ stopped talking for a moment. ‘But then I heard from him again recently.’

  ‘Oh God. How awful.’

  JJ wiped his eyes. He was crying. In front of Connie. But he couldn’t help it and he hadn’t even realised he was doing it. Talking about everything must have brought it all up again, he guessed.

  Connie also cried. All the way through it. JJ didn’t dare hope that it was because she still had feelings for him. It was only because it was a terrible story and because Connie was a sensitive, emotional person. And they were friends.

  ‘And that’s it,’ JJ finished, his voice hoarse. ‘I’ve told you everything. And sorry about crying like that.’

  ‘Bloody hell.’ Connie dabbed at her eyes with her napkin. ‘JJ. Whatever I was expecting – this wasn’t it. And don’t say sorry for crying. Not ever.’ She put her hand over her mouth. ‘They need to take those steaks away. I feel so sick.’

  JJ gestured for the plates to be removed.

  ‘God only knows how you feel,’ Connie said, gazing at him. ‘What you’ve been through. No wonder you were scared of telling me all those years ago. What a burden to carry around.’

  JJ shook his head fiercely and wiped his eyes again. ‘No. Don’t excuse me for what I did to you, Connie. I’ve regretted it ever since. I’ve been trying to find you… or anything close to you, ever since. I should have been brave and told you back then. I know now that you would have loved me and stayed with me.’

  Connie nodded. ‘I would have, JJ,’ she said in a croaky voice. ‘I really would have.’

  JJ fell silent. It cut like a knife hearing Connie say that. He just wished he could go back in time and start over. Go back to uni and find some courage from somewhere. Tell Connie everything. See her accept him and love him and heal him. Christ. He had wasted fifteen years of his life sleeping around and living an empty, unfulfilled life when he could have been happy and in love with Connie.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, feeling emotional. ‘So sorry for everything.’

  ‘Please don’t be,’ she said, starting to cry again.

  ‘Shall we leave?’ JJ said.

  Connie nodded. They stood up and JJ quickly paid the bill so they could go. He helped her into her coat and they went outside. It was windy and looked as though it was about to rain, but they were still happy to have left the restaurant.

  ‘Sorry I didn’t eat my lunch,’ she sniffed.

  ‘Don�
�t be daft.’ JJ led them to a nearby bench. They sat down. ‘I couldn’t eat mine either.’

  Connie rubbed her eyes. ‘God, I must look awful.’

  ‘No. You look beautiful. As always.’

  JJ stared at her. Connie was beautiful. She had become more beautiful as she had grown older, in fact. She seemed more poised and more elegant. Connie had always been a classy girl… a girl next door with a naughty streak. Perfect. That was what she had been in his eyes back then – and that was what she was to him now.

  How could he have been so stupid? JJ cursed himself inside. He had criticised other men in the past for letting a good woman go, or for messing up a relationship that could have been ‘the one’. And he had been the worst of the lot. He had met the love of his life and he had run away because he had been scared to trust her. Scared that realising who he really was and what he had endured would make her despise him. And he had lost her and thrust her into another man’s arms.

  ‘Do you still love Jonas?’ he asked suddenly.

  ‘Yes,’ Connie answered immediately.

  JJ’s heart descended into his shoes.

  ‘But I’m no longer in love with him,’ she added, pleating the folds of her coat. ‘And that’s a whole different thing.’

  ‘Right.’ JJ felt absurdly hopeful. Did she still have feelings for him?

  ‘But I can’t leave him,’ Connie said.

  JJ’s heart plummeted again. ‘You can’t?’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t know what would happen to him if I left him. He’s spiralling as it is. And what about the mortgage? I can’t leave him with that.’

  JJ felt frustrated. Why the hell was Connie so worried about Jonas? He was being vile to her. JJ gave up. He had bared his soul to Connie and told her everything. But he guessed it was too late for them. Too late to rekindle what they had. Which killed him. Because JJ could tell that there was something between them still. He wasn’t imagining it; he was sure he wasn’t.

  But if Connie wasn’t prepared to leave Jonas, there wasn’t much more to say. Not out loud, anyway.

  I love you, he said in his head. I love you, Connie. I always have and I always will. He knew he shouldn’t say that out loud. Because there really wasn’t much point. There wasn’t really much point to anything now that JJ had realised Connie didn’t want him and that his feelings were one-sided. It was all just pointless.