If I Fall
Page 26
Jonas turned back to his daughters. Despite everything, he was glad to be spending time with them in this home before it all changed. Before the inevitable happened and their lives were separated forever.
* * *
‘I’m on my way,’ Connie said, as she got in her car. She couldn’t believe how well Bella had taken the news that JJ was her father. Around a month after his suicide attempt, Connie and Jonas had sat down together to tell her and she had reacted pretty well. She had been shocked, but only for a while. She had wanted to spend time with JJ, to get to know him better, which Connie knew was natural. But they had to be sensitive to Jonas. He had been a fantastic father from day one and he deserved their respect as far as this issue was concerned. The other stuff… well. Connie guessed Jonas was suffering in his own way. And she wasn’t sure how she felt about that, because part of her felt sorry for him and part of her knew this was the right outcome and the way things had to be.
After a short drive, Connie got out at what she hoped was the right place and knocked on the door.
JJ opened it. He grinned. ‘Hey, you.’
‘Hey.’ She stepped inside and took a quick look around. ‘This is lovely.’
‘You’re bloody lovely.’ JJ put his arms around her. ‘God. This feels so good. And so right. Aren’t we a couple of prats letting all this time go by?’
‘Well. You’re more of a prat than me, but yes.’ Connie kissed him.
JJ led the way. ‘Come and see the kitchen. You’ll love it.’
Connie took it all in. It was white and grey and slick and glossy. Without anything much on the work tops. ‘It’s so minimalist. So you.’
JJ thrust his hands into his pockets as he leant on a work top. ‘Do you like it?’
‘I love it. Even though I’m used to a far messier kitchen.’
‘I’d love it to look more lived in,’ JJ said with a smile. ‘Like a family kitchen.’ His smile dropped. ‘How was Jonas tonight?’
Connie’s face turned sombre too. ‘He was OK, I think. I feel bad for him, JJ. Not for the stuff he did before, but for this. I don’t want to rub this in his face.’
‘Of course not. How do you think I feel? He saved my bloody life.’
‘Thank God he did,’ Connie let out a jerky breath. ‘Thank God.’ She leant against him and put her head on his shoulder. ‘I feel sick every time I think about you doing that.’
JJ put his hand on the back of her neck. ‘Don’t. I can’t believe I almost left you. I was so scared at the time, I couldn’t even see straight. I just wanted to escape.’
Connie held him tighter. She couldn’t believe she had almost lost him. That he had thought his life was so terrible that he had almost checked out completely. Connie had felt a fleeting fury towards him, that he had been willing to leave her and everything he felt for her, but it had dissipated quickly. Because what had happened hadn’t been about her; it had been about him. About JJ and how he had been feeling. But now, all Connie felt was gratitude.
She reflected for a moment. She was amazed that it had taken her so long to feel empowered again. She had been such a strong-minded, feisty person at university and then she seemed to have forgotten those characteristics along the way while she had babies and became a stay-at-home mum. And when Jonas had been hitting her. Connie felt ashamed, angry and sad all at once. She was trying her hardest to forgive Jonas for destroying what they had, but she felt incredibly upset that their marriage had broken down over it.
Connie felt JJ breathing deeply against her. She wouldn’t be with JJ now if her marriage hadn’t fallen apart, but she still felt saddened by the whole situation. She pulled back and touched JJ’s face.
‘What’s happening with the case against your dad?’
JJ’s jaw tightened, then relaxed again.
‘The injunction is in place. He can’t come near me. My best mate from school came forward recently and said there had been abuse towards him too. I had no idea. He’s such a sick bastard.’ He swallowed. ‘Obviously I’ve rented my flat out because it felt horrible after he came round that day; I just didn’t feel the same in there after that. And after my suicide thing, I just couldn’t stay there.’
JJ faltered. His suicide thing. That was one way to put it. He still couldn’t believe he’d hit rock bottom the way he had. That he had allowed everything with his dad to overwhelm him to the point where he couldn’t see a way forward. JJ couldn’t understand how he had contemplated a life without Connie in it, without his friends – and now that he knew about Bella, without his daughter. But at the time, JJ knew he had felt so desperate and out of control, he couldn’t see any other way out of what was happening to him. He simply hadn’t been able to see what he could do to get his dad out of his life and to avoid re-living his hideous childhood.
JJ realised now that none of what had happened to him had been his fault. He hadn’t asked for his abuse and he wasn’t responsible for it. He had nothing to feel guilty about – he had been a child. He couldn’t have defended himself. What he could have done differently was taking control of the situation the way he had now. His suicide attempt had been unnecessary. Hurtful to Connie and his friends – and, most importantly, to himself.
JJ knew he would never allow himself to get so low again. He knew he might need some help coming to terms with what had happened to him – but he was more concerned about other kids who might be going through this kind of thing. JJ wasn’t sure he was about to become some kind of campaigner for victims of child abuse, but he wanted to do something. This experience had taught him to think about others, rather than allowing himself to wallow in his own problems.
JJ tightened his grip on Connie. He was never letting her go again. He knew he and Jonas had a long way to go in terms of their friendship, but Jonas had saved him. And JJ would always be grateful to him for that – and for the friendship that had been strong enough for Jonas to be there for him when everything had caved in.
‘Do you feel at home here, then?’ Connie was asking him.
JJ snapped out of his reverie. ‘I feel OK here, I guess. The other place is rented out now and I have this place until… well, you know. If we’re ever able to do that. Live together. I’ll wait for you, though.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘As long as it takes. As long as it takes for Jonas to be OK with this. With us.’
Connie nodded. ‘I think he’s accepted it. I think he almost thinks it’s his penance for… for…’
‘Don’t.’ JJ tightened his grip on her. ‘It’s the one thing I find impossible to talk about. I can’t believe he did that to you. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about it.’
‘It’s done. And I just can’t be with him anymore. Because of that and many other things. Because of you.’
‘I love you,’ JJ said, pulling her face to his. ‘I love you and I will never stop loving you.’
‘You don’t hate me for not telling you about Bella?’ Connie’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I wasn’t 100% sure. And I couldn’t let Jonas down. And… I didn’t think you’d want to know.’
‘Shhh,’ JJ stopped her. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters anymore. I’m just happy to be alive and to be here with you. And for Bella to be happy that I’m her dad. And hey. Layla is OK and hopefully Jonas will be OK one day.’
‘Isn’t it lovely about Layla?’ Connie wiped her eyes. ‘I’m so pleased for her.’
JJ touched her face. ‘Thank God you went to see her. She was on the edge as well, from what I understand.’
Connie met his eyes. ‘Not as badly as you. But she’s on the mend. Alfie is back in her life.’
‘Really?’ JJ looked pleased. ‘How fantastic.’
Connie paused. ‘Bella wants to see you.’
‘I can’t wait to get to know her better,’ JJ said. ‘As long as Jonas can handle it. And I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life… the one I got back… with you.’
Connie leant into JJ, finally feeling as though she had come home. She though
t about the last few years, about herself, Jonas, JJ and Layla. Four friends, four different problems, four desperate, desolate moments. They had all fallen, all four of them. But one way or another, she guessed they had all been caught.
First published in the United Kingdom in 2018 by Canelo
Canelo Digital Publishing Limited
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Copyright © Ella Harper, 2018
The moral right of Ella Harper to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781911420460
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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