Moore than a Feeling

by Julie A. Richman

  “Maybe, but if he’s at Maguire’s, you can bet he’s seen tonight’s reservations list.” Schooner smiled and closed the door.

  His back was to them when they passed the bar on the way to their table. Holly stopped short, unable to take another step, her eyes riveted to his broad shoulders narrowing down into his black work pants that hugged his muscular butt. The memory of what it felt like in her hands when she was holding him, doused her with a wave of sadness. His hair was much shorter this summer than she’d ever seen it, but it only served to make him look more manly, as did the scars on the right side of his face.

  Holly’s eyes immediately shifted as she was watching her father’s back as he approached the bar. Hearing footsteps, Aiden turned.

  With an extended hand, Schooner greeted the younger man. “Welcome back, Aiden. It’s good to see you.”

  “Schooner,” Aiden extended his hand. “Good to see you.”

  “Thank you for your service and I’m sorry you’ve been through such a tough time.”

  Aiden nodded. “I appreciate that.”

  “Good to have you back.”

  With a wave, Schooner turned to leave. As Aiden’s gaze followed him, there was Holly standing outside the bar area. He smiled at the sight of her, an involuntary, visceral reaction as their eyes met. Raising a hand to give him a small wave, she followed her father as they went in search of their table where Mia and the kids were already seated.

  “What happened to you two?” Mia gazed up from the menu.

  “I welcomed Aiden back.” Schooner reached for a menu.

  “And you?” Mia turned to Holly.

  “I waved.”

  “Very good,” she approved. “Are you two starting with clam chowder?” Mia asked Natie and Po.

  Nathaniel nodded, without looking up from coloring.

  “I would really prefer lobster bisque.” Portia informed her mother.

  “Would you now?” Schooner looked up from his menu with a smirk. “You’ve got some champagne taste there, young lady.”

  Looking up through her lashes, adoringly, “Come on, Daddy. You know you’re raising a foodie.”

  They all laughed at the precocious little girl.

  “Lobster bisque, it is.” He could not help but smile at his sweet, smart little girl. Alone with her in Zambia in the weeks leading up to her adoption, the two had formed a special bond. Although her initial attachment had been to Mia, by the time Schooner and Portia arrived in the states, she was Daddy’s girl and that had not changed.

  “A little something special for my boyfriend.” Sheila placed a glass of scotch in front of Schooner.

  “How’s my girl?” he greeted his favorite waitress.

  “Better now that you are here. So good to see you back, Holly. Have you seen our friend?” Her eyes shifted toward the bar.

  “Just in passing as we walked in.”

  Sheila smiled at her, “Are you ready to give me drink and appetizer orders?”

  “A lobster bisque for the young lady over here. And I’ll do the same. Clam chowder for these two. Holly?”

  “Nothing for me.”

  “Wine?” her father asked.

  “No. I’ll just do an iced tea and the crispy skin salmon as my entrée.” A few minutes later, she excused herself from the table.

  Wandering into the bar, his back was to her again and she couldn’t help but admire his broad shoulders and the way his light blue cotton shirt stretched over them. She felt an overwhelming desire to lay her cheek against his back. Sliding onto a barstool at the far end of the bar, she watched him until he caught her reflection in the bar’s ornate mirrored back.

  Turning to her, their eyes met, and he didn’t miss a beat. “What can I get you?”

  “Surprise me.”

  “Okay.” He accepted the challenge with a smile and started pulling bottles and measuring shots into an aluminum shaker, before giving the tumbler a vigorous workout. Reaching above, he slid a martini glass from the rack and set it on the bar, filling it with the icy, pale lavender cocktail, and finishing it with a piece of lemon peel, before sliding it across the bar to Holly.

  Picking up the glass, she motioned, as if toasting him and took a sip. “Mmm, this is good. What is it?”

  “I dunno.” He smirked. “Maybe I’ll call it a Malibu Barbie.”

  “You’re an asshole.” She laughed.

  “It’s not the first time you’ve told me that.”

  I hope it’s not the last. “I don’t taste rum in this.”

  “That’s because there isn’t any.”

  “Then you can’t call it a Malibu Barbie because that implies Malibu rum, of which there is none.”

  The look he was giving her was one she recognized. Get your ass over here, Angel. I need to fuck your brains out. It was also overwhelming.

  “So, I will call it the Violette Elderberry Sapphire Barbie.”

  “Barbie.” She shook her head, not even attempting to hide her disgust.

  He leaned on the bar, halfway breaching the space between them. Holly remained sitting straight-backed on the barstool, maintaining her distance.

  “I’m really sorry about the way Janine attacked you.”

  Holly still didn’t move. “Aiden what are you doing with her?”

  “I’m not with her anymore.” The words tumbled out rapidly.

  “Why were you with her in the first place?” She didn’t wait for a response. “Do you love her?”

  The moment he hesitated, Holly began to move off her barstool. Reaching out, he grabbed her hand, pulling her toward him on the bar, their faces inches apart, her hand still captive in his.

  “Do you love her?” Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

  “No. No, I don’t.”

  They looked at one another for a long moment before Holly broke the silence. “Do you have any vision in that eye?”

  Shaking his head, he was surprised by the non sequitur. “It’s prosthetic.”

  “Really? It looks really good.” Holly picked up her drink. “If I were just meeting you, I’d never know. It has such great movement.”

  He smiled and gave a little laugh.

  “What?” she asked. “What’s so funny?”

  “You. You’re just never afraid to go there with me. People dance around everything these days, nobody wants to ask me anything. But not you.”

  “Is that a good thing?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Hey, flirty bartender, you’re needed down here,” called one of the new, young waitresses.

  He gave Holly’s hand a squeeze. “Excuse me.”

  The girl handed him the order and leaning against the polished wood bar, openly checked out Holly head to toe before training her sights back on Aiden as he mixed drinks.

  “You’re still coming out with us after closing tonight, right.” It wasn’t a question. “I’ll wait for you to finish and go with you,” she offered, her head dipped flirtatiously as she leaned her store-bought rack on the bar.

  Shaking her head, Holly pushed her half-finished drink away and began to dig in her pocket. Placing a ten-dollar bill on the bar, she stood and walked out.

  She was already out into the dining room when she heard him call her name. She didn’t stop.

  Sheila was just delivering dinner when she got to the table. “Great timing,” Holly said brightly, trying to hide her wildly churning emotions and desire to flee the restaurant.

  “You okay?” Mia asked.

  Holly nodded, but it was clear she wasn’t. Picking up her fork, she started decimating her fish.

  Reaching out, Schooner put a hand on her arm. “Rome wasn’t built in a day. Try to have patience.”

  Shaking her head, “It’s not that, Dad. It’s…” She never finished her sentence.

  Delivering her half-finished drink, he set the martini glass in front of Holly, “I’d hate to see you waste your money.”

  The furrow between his brows told her he was angry. That was his t
ell. Though, in all their time together, he had rarely been angry at her.

  Turning from Holly, he walked around the table to Mia. Taking his hand in both of hers, she greeted him, “It’s good to see you, Aiden. Welcome home.”

  “Thanks, Mia. It’s good to be back.”

  Portia couldn’t contain herself, popping up from her chair and running to him with a smile. Her crush on her older sister’s boyfriend was well-known.

  “Aiden,” she hugged his waist, “I’ve missed you.”

  “I’ve missed you, too, Po.”

  Stepping away she looked up at him, “What happened to your face?”

  Mia, Holly, and Schooner exchanged mortified glances.

  Aiden laughed. “It’s pretty messed up, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded, as she visually inspected the multiple scars on his cheek and around his right eye.

  “Do you still think I’m cute?” He openly flirted with the little girl.

  Portia’s smile grew wide, and she looked down, embarrassed. “Yes.”

  Everyone at the table laughed.

  “Enjoy your dinner, everyone.” And with a wave he was off.

  “What was that about?” Schooner asked Holly as he stabbed a piece of Ahi.

  “He’s mad at me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I walked out.” Holly put down her fork. She couldn’t even look at her food.

  “What happened?” Mia asked.

  “Some girl, a waitress, was making plans with him for later tonight and I just didn’t want to hear it.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Mia commiserated. “That’s not cool.”

  “I don’t know what to do here. I’m really lost. Should I give him time and stay away or should I just dive in and tell him what I want? Which he may not care about considering he dumped me.” She pushed her plate of uneaten food away.

  “What exactly is it you want?” Mia wanted her to verbalize it.

  “I want us to be together and I want to help him get through this and help him heal emotionally.” As the words came out of her mouth, the realization became clear that not only did shrapnel cut and scar Aiden in ways that might never fully heal, but like secondhand smoke, she was no longer immune to the ravaging effects that were preventing her own recovery.

  “There’s no shame in telling him that,” Schooner weighed in.

  “You can’t lose, Holly. There’s only an upside. If he tells you that is not what he wants, you haven’t lost anything from where you are now. You can only gain in this situation.”

  “I just don’t want to get my heart stomped on again. At some point I’m going to have to start believing him when he says, ‘Go away.’”

  “Can I clear away some of these plates?” Sheila approached the table. “Something wrong with the salmon?” She regarded Holly with concern.

  “No. It was fine. I just lost my appetite.”

  “Do you want me to box it?”

  Holly just shook her head.

  “Would anyone like dessert?” Sheila addressed the table.

  “Mom, can we go to Scoops for ice cream?” Natie asked.

  “What? You don’t like my ice cream?” Sheila teased him.

  He shook his head. “You only have two flavors. Scoops has like a trillion.” He was very serious.

  “Well. I certainly can’t compete with a trillion.” She laughed. “Check?” She looked at Schooner.

  “Trying to get rid of me already?” He hit her with a real smile.

  “Not on your life, mister. Stay all night.” She paused, “I might charge you rent. Let me go grab your check.”

  Seeing the kids were getting restless, Mia stood, “We’re going to head over to Scoops while you pay the bill.”

  “I’ll join you.” Holly pushed her chair back from the table.

  Portia immediately skipped ahead, while Mia ushered out Nathaniel. Glancing into the bar as she passed, Holly’s initial thought was that it was good to see Aiden smiling, until she saw the reason for his smile. He was leaning across the bar and she was leaning against it, the same waitress from earlier.

  Without skipping a step, Holly exited the restaurant never stopping to say goodbye.

  It was nice to see Aiden smile again, but those smiles were not being given to her. They seemed to be reserved for the new waitress.

  He was inventorying a wine shipment, several days later, when Mia entered the empty bar and made herself comfortable on a stool. With his head still down in a box, he called out, “I’ll be with you in one sec.”

  “Take your time.”

  The moment the words were out of her mouth, his head popped up, as he had recognized the voice. “Mia?”

  She smiled at him and raised her brows.

  “Afternoon drinking?” He had never known Mia to drink in the afternoon. Ever. She was either always working or with the kids, and usually doing a fine job of juggling both.

  “I think I will. Will you join me?”

  Her smile was infectious, and she made Aiden feel like he was in tenth grade, and she was trying to get him to cut school with her. That was part of Mia’s charm.

  “I have a long night in front of me, but yeah, I’ll join you for one.” Fear was the first emotion to crowd the corners of his mind, knowing he was going to be no match for Mia, and worrying that he would spill more than he had yet shared with anyone.

  Pointing to the far corner on the top shelf of the bar, Mia gave Aiden a conspiratorial grin. “Didn’t my husband buy that bottle?”

  Aiden nodded, “Yes, I think he did.”

  “Well good, let’s drink his booze.”

  “If you insist.” Aiden pulled down the bell-shaped Hennessy bottle and slid out the cognac snifters with fluid ease, setting them on the bar and pouring reservedly, until Mia motioned to make the pours heftier.

  Picking up her glass and holding it up between her and Aiden, she toasted, “To having you home.”

  He nodded to that as they clinked glasses and both took sips.

  “That is nice.” Aiden looked at the glass in his hand.

  “Thanks, Schooner.” Mia laughed.

  Aiden regarded Mia for a moment before speaking. “I’m not sure if I’m hoping for a crowd to walk into this bar any second or for no one to walk in for the next hour. A crowd could save me…”

  “…And if it’s only me and you, you might just save yourself.” Mia cut him off.

  “Highly doubtful, Mia. That’s not even a remote possibility.” He twirled the stem of the glass between his thumb and forefinger watching the viscous amber liquid slowly recede down the curved sides of the glass, forming legs in its wake.

  “That dark?”

  “You can’t even imagine.” He looked her dead in the eye.

  Mia waited a beat and picked up the bottle of Hennessy, refilling their only half-emptied glasses.

  “Unfortunately, I can. No, I’ll never know what your personal dark space looks like, but I know what dark space looks like and I know what a solitary prison PTSD is. Obviously, our sources are vastly different, yours from a battle situation and mine from sexual assault.”

  “Oh, Mia, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “I didn’t even know what PTSD was and I certainly didn’t know I was suffering from it. But I was. And I have to tell you, that if it wasn’t for Seth, Kami, and my friend, Rob, I would be dead. No doubt in my mind, I would have been long gone by now. I was lost, speeding recklessly down a very dark road.”

  “Well, you are lucky you had good friends.”

  “You have good friends, too, Aiden, if you’ll just let them in. Everyone in this town loves you. We love you.” She paused, regarding him seriously. “Let us help.”

  Taking a sip of the smooth cognac, Aiden remained silent and she continued.

  “And while we’re sharing truths, let’s just get this out in the open. You leaving Holly because you didn’t love her is a crock of shit. You know that, and I know that. Your gallant heart was abso
lutely in the right place for not wanting Holly to have to suffer the second-hand effects of battle, but the reality is, Aiden, she already is, and that’s not going to change. So, either the two of you suffer alone, or you work together to try and navigate your way out of the darkness.”

  “That’s a big assumption, Mia.”

  Bringing her glass to her lips, she asked, “What is?” before taking a sip.

  “Assuming that I didn’t break up with Holly because I don’t love her.”

  Mia shook her head, giving Aiden a look that said seriously, dude? And then she remained silent, waiting for him to speak, knowing silence would surface the truth.

  “What am I supposed to do? Drag her into this for the ride? I’m not the guy I was when we met. He’s gone and he’s not coming back, and that’s the guy Holly loved. Not me. She doesn’t even know who I am now. She may think she’s still in love with me, but she doesn’t know me.”

  “Maybe you don’t know you.”

  “You’re right. Maybe I don’t.” He paused, closing his eyes for a moment. “This was my first tour where I had to leave behind someone I loved, besides family. My two other deployments, there was no one special in my life, no one I loved. I wanted her to move on. And if I got back and was okay, and she wasn’t married or anything, I would have gone after her. Relentlessly. That was my plan. But I didn’t come back okay. I don’t think that I will ever be okay, and you want me to drag her into that, and ruin her life. I’m not going to do it, Mia.”

  “You know what I loved about Aiden McManus. Aiden was a scrappy kid from the wrong side of the tracks who was smart, and a risk-taker, and way mature beyond his years. He had guts and balls and was protective of those he loved. You reminded me of Schooner in so many ways, and I think that Holly probably saw a lot of the attributes in you that she admires in her father.”

  “I don’t think Schooner was from the wrong side of the tracks.” Aiden smiled.

  Laughing, Mia nodded in agreement. “Very true. In Schooner’s case, he was from the right side of the harbor. And I think for him, that provided the impetus to try even harder, to prove that he was a self-made man, and not a spoiled rich kid who was handed everything.” Mia picked up the bottle of Schooner’s booze and refreshed their glasses. “Aiden, I’m not going to bullshit you. If you want your life back badly enough, you’re going to have to work your ass off. And my point before about the Aiden I knew, was that Aiden was so driven, nothing could stop him when he set his mind to something. And I know you have to be ready, you have to want this more than anything else. And I hope you get to that place. Because when you do, you won’t have to go it alone. We’ll be there for you. But you have to be the one who is ready to fight.”