School Is a Nightmare - Quadzilla: Books 1 - 4 Special Edition

by Raymond Bean

  Becky pointed to Mrs. Cliff’s bright white sneakers and giggled. I have the exact same pair. The girls had convinced Mom that they were the coolest sneakers when we went school supply shopping. I tried to convince Mom not to buy them, but she bought them anyway. I looked completely ridiculous in them. They were designed for people who want to lose weight and make their butt look good. The heel is larger than any other sneaker I’ve ever seen before.

  “I love that you and Mrs. Cliff have the same taste in sneakers,” Becky teased.

  “Mrs. Cliff,” I interrupted, “how about if my mom and sisters go on the yellow bus and I go on the bus with Mrs. Fiesta’s class? I know my friend Aaron was saving me a seat.”

  She stopped and turned to face me. “I’ll have you know that the reason we’re all going on the yellow bus, and not a comfortable coach bus with air-conditioning, is because a certain someone couldn’t get here on time. Now you want to have all of us ride in the hot, old bus while you ride in comfort?”

  They all waited for me to answer. “Well, yeah. That would be awesome.”

  “Unbelievable,” my sisters said at the same time.

  “Truly,” Mrs. Cliff added.

  5

  Sit with Your Sisters

  The bus was so hot it felt like the air was sweating. “Oh my gosh,” my mom said, reaching the top of the steps.

  Mrs. Cliff said, “Prepare to sweat.”

  “Why didn’t the teachers order enough coach buses?” Mindy asked in a semi-insulting tone.

  “We did order enough coach buses, young lady,” Mrs. Cliff said. “However, one of them broke down due to the heat. Since we had one odd class, the teachers agreed that the last class to have all the kids arrive would take the yellow bus. If you’d been on time, we would be on a comfortable bus right now.”

  The girls and Mom glared at me. I turned and noticed that down the aisle of the bus, all the kids in my class and a bunch of sweaty parents were looking at me too. “Where should I sit, Mrs. Cliff?”

  She pointed to the seat right behind hers. “You can sit with your sisters, and I’ll sit with your mom.”

  “Perfect,” I said sarcastically. This is exactly how I imagined, I thought.

  “You better not sweat,” Mindy said, sliding into her window seat. “Your armpits already smell, and I have no interest in sniffing that for the next couple of hours.”

  “You better not die from that cobra bite either,” Becky added, making fangs with her teeth.

  “It wasn’t a cobra bite,” I said, sliding into the seat next to Mindy.

  The bus driver fired up the old clunker, and we rattled out of the parking lot. I was squished between my sisters and sitting directly behind my mom and my teacher. This is going to be fun, I thought. I looked at my watch. It was already 7:50.

  6

  Ewwwww! A Tick!

  We had been driving for about twenty minutes when Mindy screeched like she’d been dropped off a ten-story building. Becky joined right in. I don’t know why, but usually when one of my sisters screams or cries, the other one does it too even before knowing why. It’s like a reflex they can’t control. Their screeches of horror caused Mom and Mrs. Cliff to turn around.

  “What’s wrong?” Mom shouted.

  “Justin!” Mindy stammered.

  “What about Justin?” Mom demanded.

  All Mindy could manage was another high-pitched screech.

  “What is it?” Mrs. Cliff screamed in a voice so loud it thundered through the bus like a sonic boom.

  Mindy immediately started to cry, which made Becky cry. The sight and sound of the two of them crying made Mom cry. I realized in all the panic that Mindy kept pointing to my ear, so I put my hand to it and felt a bump.

  “I think I have a tick,” I said. The thought of some gross insect feeding on my ear blood was pretty gross. I carefully felt where it was attached. It was on pretty good. I tried to pull it off, but it wouldn’t budge.

  “Leave it alone!” Mom shouted.

  Mindy instantly fainted and slumped onto me. I shoved her away and back onto the window. Becky might as well have spontaneously combusted right there on the spot. The sound that came out of her was beyond a shriek, but not quite a scream. It was a sound that I hope to never hear again as long as I live.

  “Yeah, I definitely have a tick in my ear,” I said. A lot of my friends have had ticks. I’ve never had one, which is pretty amazing because I spend so much time in the woods.

  “Stop the bus!” Mrs. Cliff shouted. “Stop this bus right now! Everyone stay completely still! We have a situation!”

  7

  Don’t Get Hit by a Car

  I’m not sure if my feet even touched the ground when Mrs. Cliff ripped me from my seat and down the bus stairs. The bus driver stopped on the side of the highway, and the only thing going through my head was that there were cars zooming by at about a hundred miles an hour. The tick behind my ear would be the least of my problems if I was struck by a car.

  “Mrs. Cliff?” I asked.

  “Yes, Justin?” she asked.

  Cars screamed by so fast I could feel their wind. “Do you think this is safe?”

  “No, I don’t. But I don’t think I can possibly get this tick out of your ear with your sisters and mother screaming and crying, so I suggest you stay still before we both get killed.”

  “All right,” I said.

  “And for the record, you don’t have a tick in your ear.”

  “I don’t? That’s awesome!”

  “You have three ticks in your ear. From the looks of it, they’ve been in there a while, too. Do you ever take showers?”

  “Yeah, I took one on…” When I stopped to think about it, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually taken a shower. Mom always hounds me to take a shower, and I always say I will in a little while, but I usually forget. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d actually taken one. “I’m pretty sure I took one a few days ago?”

  “I’m not so convinced. You’re a bit ripe. Now, stay still.”

  All of a sudden, Mom appeared. “How’s it going out here? You’re sister is conscious and feeling calmer.”

  “Wonderful. Your son has three ticks in his ear, and I haven’t even checked his hair yet. For all we know, there’s a whole colony in there.”

  “What! Justin, did you take a shower before we left?”

  “No, I didn’t have time.”

  “From what I can smell, he hasn’t had a shower in about a week,” Mrs. Cliff added.

  It was quiet for a few minutes, except for the sound of the cars zooming by like missiles. Mrs. Cliff and Mom checked over my head like mother chimpanzees looking for a wriggly snack.

  “Well, that does it. It’s just the three in your ear. We’ll have to burn them off, of course. I’ll go get some matches,” Mrs. Cliff said.

  “I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to get them off,” Mom said.

  I was also pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to get a tick off. It might have been what they did when Mrs. Cliff was young, back in the Dark Ages.

  “Well, I’m open to any suggestions,” Mrs. Cliff said. “Unfortunately, we don’t have the nurse here to help us out. This is pure street medicine. We need to get these ticks off your son’s ear and get on our way. We’re already way behind schedule.”

  “Let me look up on my phone how to get a tick off. You go get the matches, please,” Mom said.

  Mom typed on her phone: How do you get a tick out of your ear? She didn’t go on an actual medical site but instead went on some lame site where regular people try to answer each other’s questions. I tried to tell her to try another site, but she told me to quiet down. I could see the Web page she was reading:

  Type Question Here: How do I get a tick out of my ear?

  Best Answers – Based On Our Readers

  Go To the docter. You shuld be fine. Who knows? –By afternoon doc

  the wax in your ear will probably kill it. You p
robably won’t die. –By Karen

  That’s gross!!!! Ticks carry diseases. You’re going to get Lyme disease. Good luck!! –By hope it helps

  Get it off quick before it gets into your brain. I read somewhere that they like to feed on human brains. Just sayin’ –by anonymous

  You’re in trouble dude!!! My grandma burned a tick off my head with a match once. It worked pretty good, except for the burn. The scar’s almost gone. –By happy to be alive

  Leave the tick in your ear and let me know how big it gets. –by curious fella

  Don’t listen to curious fella. If you leave it in your ear you’ll lose your hearing and probably die and stuff. Rub toothpaste on the tick. It will suffocate it and then you can brush it out. Make sure you get a new toothbrush after because there’ll be tick parts on it. If that doesn’t work, I’d just scratch it off with my finger. Can you upload a picture?

  Click here for more help

  Mom and I looked at each other in disbelief. “I think you should try another Web site,” I said.

  “We’re having a very bad morning,” Mom said, ignoring me. “I’m not thrilled about Mrs. Cliff removing the tick with a match, but something tells me that woman’s removed a few ticks in her day.”

  Mrs. Cliff reappeared and lit the first match. She held it for a second and then blew it out. “Tilt your head,” she commanded. I did.

  With my head tilted, I noticed all the kids on the bus had their faces pressed up against the windows trying to get a look at me. Some of them had cameras and were taking pictures and video. Behind our bus, parked along the highway, were all three coach buses jammed with the rest of the kids in my grade. I could see a bunch of faces on the coaches trying to make out what kind of horror was playing out for me on the shoulder of the highway.

  After a few scorching hot pokes, and a tug or sixty from some tweezers that Mrs. Cliff had dug out of her makeup case, she said, “That’s all of them. You should be fine.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” I said.

  She looked me in the eyes. “Justin, you’re lucky we got them out. Be happy it wasn’t worse.” She took my hand and pulled to lead me back to the bus.

  “Owwww!” I shouted.

  “What is it?”

  “I have a bite on my hand, and it kills.”

  “What kind of a bite?”

  “It’s a snakebite,” Mom said under her breath.

  “What goes on at your house?” Mrs. Cliff asked.

  “I’d rather not get into it right now if it’s all right with you, Mrs. Cliff.”

  “That makes two of us. Justin, get on the bus, now!”

  8

  Running Late

  By the time we got back in our seats and everyone finished asking me how I was doing, it was eight forty-five. The schedule was set for us to be at the Statue of Liberty by nine. Since we had traveled only a few exits, there was no way we were going to be at the statue in time. People were starting to realize it and complain to Mrs. Cliff.

  “It’s your fault!” Mindy said.

  “I wasn’t the one who almost dropped dead because of a tiny insect.”

  “You are a menace,” Becky said.

  “Thanks. I’m so glad you girls were allowed to join me on my trip. Why’d you even come anyway?”

  “We came because we wanted a day off from school,” Mindy said, turning to look out the window.

  “Yeah!” Becky added, taking out her phone and opening up a game.

  “You have your phone on the bus?” I asked.

  “No, this is an illusion. Of course I have my phone on the bus.”

  “We’re not allowed to take our phones on the trip. Mrs. Cliff will take it away.”

  “No, she won’t. I’m in middle school, and we’re allowed to have our phones.

  I knew that Aaron had his phone, even though we weren’t supposed to. His parents told him to take it everywhere in case he ever got in an emergency. If you ask me, all kids should have cell phones at all times. Adults are so weird about kids having them, though, which is nuts. They want us to always be safe and worry about us getting lost, but then they don’t want us to have phones. It seems to me that if you want to keep a kid from getting lost, you might want him to have a phone.

  Both of my sisters have had phones for a while, and my parents won’t even talk to me about getting one.

  “Can I borrow it for a minute to text Aaron on the other bus?”

  “No way! You’ll get me in trouble. I have this for emergency purposes and entertainment.”

  “Come on. I’ll send him one text, and then you can have it right back.”

  “Give me half your allowance for a month, and I’ll consider it.”

  “That’s crazy!”

  “So is you asking me to borrow my phone.”

  “Fine, you can have half my allowance for a month. Jeez! That’s totally unfair for one measly text.”

  She handed me the phone. “You’ve got a minute.”

  I quickly texted Aaron: Hey, how’s it going back there? It’s me, Justin.

  He texted back a few seconds later: Better than you!

  No kidding. It’s torture in here.

  We’re watching a movie and lounging in the comfy seats. The seat next to me is totally empty because I was saving it for you! What happened? Kids are saying you have lice.

  No, I had a bunch of ticks in my ear from being in the woods.

  Gross! I wondered what was going on. I took a picture out the window. It looked like Mrs. Cliff was trying to pull your head off!

  He attached a blurry picture of Mrs. Cliff tugging at my ear with those dirty makeup-bag tweezers of hers.

  Please delete it!

  No chance. This is priceless. Do I have your permission to start a rumor back here that you have bugs in your brain and may have to be flown to the hospital by helicopter?

  Sure, whatever. It’s not so far from the truth. Some Web site said I probably have Lyme disease. I’m sure my mom—

  My sister snatched the phone out of my hand.

  “Times up, thunder thumbs.”

  “Come on! Just a few minutes longer.”

  “Nope.”

  9

  Restless Parents

  At about nine thirty, the bus hit some serious traffic. It was completely stopped for what felt like a lifetime. We couldn’t see what was causing the holdup because it was a stretch of cars as far as you could see.

  The plan was to be at the Statue of Liberty ferry by nine. Things were not looking too good. I could hear the parents behind me complaining about how poorly the trip had been planned and how they wanted their money back because the kids were promised a coach bus.

  One mom walked up to Mrs. Cliff’s seat and said, “Mrs. Cliff, we’re starting to get worried that the kids aren’t going to be able to get in all the day’s activities.”

  “We’re going to do our best,” Mrs. Cliff said. They continued to talk for a few minutes, but the conversation was so boring I could hardly stand it.

  I reached into my backpack and dug out my sandwich. It was kind of soggy and looked like it was sweating from the heat more than I was. I unwrapped it and gave it a sniff.

  “You can’t eat your lunch on the bus,” the mom talking to Mrs. Cliff said to me. I think she was Adam Carlton’s mom. Adam was annoying and always telling people what to do. I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, I thought.

  “Yeah, you can’t eat that,” Mindy said.

  “Why not?” I asked. “I didn’t have any breakfast.”

  Mom turned around. “Why didn’t you have any breakfast?”

  “Because I was out in the woods looking for snakes this morning, and I didn’t have time.”

  “We ended up on this stinky old bus because your son was in the woods looking for snakes? What kind of mother doesn’t make her kid breakfast on the day of a field trip?” Adam’s mom said.

  “We had a very tough morning,” Mom defended.

  “We
ll, you’re not the only one. Everyone on this bus is sweating like animals and uncomfortable because you couldn’t get your son here on time.”

  “It’s not my mom’s fault,” I said.

  Mrs. Cliff interrupted. “None of us are happy about being on this bus when the rest of the grade is relaxing in comfort. However, blaming and pointing fingers is not the solution. Please take your seat, Mrs. Carlton.”

  I was proud of Mrs. Cliff. It was the first time I think I actually liked her. She really put Adam’s mom in her place. It’s a good thing, too, because I was about to ask her if she picks her nose and eats it like Adam does. That probably wouldn’t have gone over very well. Mrs. Carlton made her way back to her seat, but I could hear her grumbling with some of the other moms.

  “Go ahead and eat half of your sandwich, Justin,” Mom told me. “I don’t want you passing out like your sister.”

  I was about to take my first bite when I felt a flick on my right ear. I turned to flick my sister back and noticed she was asleep. Giggles came from the seat behind me. It was Thomas and Stephen. They loved driving people crazy.

  “Cut it out, guys,” I said.

  “I didn’t do anything,” Thomas said.

  “Me either,” Stephen added.

  “Just don’t do it again,” I warned. They giggled.

  I was starting to get claustrophobic. I have a really hard time with closed-in places. It’s not easy for me to sit still for too long. Being sandwiched between my sisters in the heat for that long was starting to really get to me.

  I gobbled down half my sandwich and put the other half back in my bag. There was so much mayo. It was gross. I tried to close my eyes and go to sleep like my sisters. Every time I was about to fall asleep, one of the guys behind us flicked my ear.

  10

  Bridge Buzz

  The teachers decided to start the day at the bridge because we were running so late, and they felt we could use the exercise after all the time on the bus.

  By the time we were all off the buses and ready to start our walk across the bridge, it was almost eleven! It had taken us over three hours to travel a distance that should have taken about an hour and a half. Luckily, I ended up falling asleep for the last hour or so. I was so sweaty and gross, and I felt like I had a fever.