To the Sea (Follow your Bliss)

by Deirdre Riordan Hall

  “I saw someone angling for my territory earlier,” Jamie said flirtatiously.

  “Oh yeah? Who?”

  “Woody.” They both laughed. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been here sooner,” he apologized between kissing her neck, her shoulder, and her chest. She squeezed the tanned skin of his arms, feeling his tight muscles.

  “It’s been so hard to keep away from you,” she countered as her pulse quickened.

  They tossed off their remaining clothes. He moved in and out, Kira moaning and groaning in ecstasy. The air there turned them both on beyond what Kira had ever experienced. It was primal and seemingly endless as they rolled in the sheets, twisting them in sweaty tangles as the ocean breeze cooled their skin.

  “I needed that,” Jamie said as he moved onto the other side of the bed.

  “Glad I came along?” Kira said meaningfully.

  “Absolutely.” He clasped his hands behind his head, letting out a deep breath. “I’d better head back to my room soon. Still lots to do and you know—” He collected his clothing, gave Kira a peck, and exited as she deflated on the bed.

  Kira put her clothes back on and stepped out onto the deck. She wanted the sound of the rolling waves to distract her from a growing uneasiness. Each time a doubt-filled question popped into her mind, she reminded herself that Jamie was at work.

  The next day, before sunrise, the group loaded into a bus headed for the Karoo. It was a day’s ride, but the distance was well worth it in hopes that they’d have great sightings, and photo-opps of native animals, the big five in particular: lions, leopards, elephants, rhino, and buffalo.

  As Kira watched the dusty scenery, dotted with scrub brush, and the sky overhead bigger and bluer than ever, she and Emanuela alternatingly chatted about their professional lives.

  “I hardly have time for anything else. Between work, family, home, I have all these commitments, some I don’t even remember making. I think of myself as laid back, but I recently had to pencil in sleep. That’s just wrong,” Emanuela said in accented English.

  And marriage Kira thought bitterly, letting memories of Jeremy get the better of her.

  She’d kept her policy of not discussing the matter with the new people she’d met, starting with Ian and Jamie. But sometimes it felt like there was nothing else to think about, no less talk about. An unsettled feeling accompanied thoughts of Ian. At her lessons, he didn’t seem thrilled by Vanessa’s presence, but the kiss she gave him made it appear they were together.

  Nevertheless, as the shuttle sped on, Ian, Vanessa, and everything else that transpired in the last few months seemed like a world away. Kira noted that she didn’t feel the same connection she’d shared with Jamie stateside, despite the night before. She set this aside as Emanuela filled her in with some of the highlights of other trips she’d taken: Thailand, New Zealand, and a cruise to Antarctica. Kira shared her dormant love for photography.

  “You are sure to get some good ones on safari,” Emanuela assured her.

  As the shuttle pulled into the lodge, it was noticeably more rustic, especially with its thatched roof.

  After leaving the commune, Kira swore that she’d never reside in questionable lodgings again. No camping, tents, yurts, lean-tos, or anything else made to resemble one of the houses occupied by the three little pigs.

  Once inside the lodge, the luxury accommodations were the opposite of roughing it. Indoor glass enclosed seating areas opened to outdoor terraces wrapping around the building, offering abundant viewing spots for wildlife sightings. The central lobby combined an inviting and comfortable array of fieldstone, sitting areas, plants and natural elements, all reflecting the rich splendor of the outdoors. Kira had a spacious deluxe suite and a Jacuzzi in her room that she hoped to share with Jamie.

  After settling in, the tour group enjoyed yet another sumptuous meal. Afterward, a guide brought them on a sunset trek around the lodge to various benchmarks to spot animals in their habitats: mostly birds, small game and of course, monkeys. The guide also mentioned they sometimes spotted Jaguars.

  Kira and the other guests were all friendly with one another, except for the three high school grads on a gap year; the girls mostly kept to themselves with inside jokes, wandering off during tours, or wearing ear buds.

  As she let the fading sun warm her, Kira took a seat on one of the outdoor verandas. A wave of peace swept from her head to her toes, much like her first time out on the ocean. She felt like sunshine and fresh air washed through her. That special something about Africa seeped into her skin and lingered there, wordless and nameless, pure tranquility.

  The next day, the group spent the early morning at the lodge learning about the work the reserve did to help the animals safely proliferate. The reserve also helped neighboring communities, ensuring the availability of education and access to health care and food.

  Later that morning, Kira attended a workshop on the habits and habitats of big game. After a break for tea and scones, she followed up with a workshop. As Kira learned about migration patterns, rainy seasons, and the environmental impact of humans, she suddenly wondered why she went into advertising.

  Glimpsing Jamie talking to Amanda, one of the female guides who he’d said he knew for years, Kira wondered why she hadn’t become a pro-surfer or a field guide. She mused about how she could have been anything, even an intelligent adventurer like Emanuela. She’d never allowed herself so many possibilities. From early on, she envisioned her career as the ticket to happiness, not to mention security, but what sort of happiness. So far, her time in South Africa connected her to everything and everyone, except Jamie. She could still be anything; her turn wasn’t over yet. She smiled; maybe it had just begun.

  After lunch in the lodge, the group had the choice to explore the grounds or go on a bird watching hike with Amanda. Assembling in the central lobby, Kira flipped through a coffee table book while Jamie finished a hushed conversation with her across the room. He gave Amanda a lingering smile when she turned to the group. Kira watched, but he avoided her gaze.

  “Welcome everyone, Jamie has told me you are all eager to become familiar with the spectacular wildlife here. Now that you’ve become acquainted with what you might see at our workshop, let’s go over some safety measures, and then take it outside.”

  The three girls slouched off to their room and the honeymooners went to do what couples do on a honeymoon. Emanuela proclaimed writing inspiration, and Baker said he needed a nap. That left Nigel, the retired schoolteacher, Jamie, Amanda, and Kira. She figured with the small group, surely she and Jamie would at least have some time for verbal foreplay. As they went outside, Amanda dominated his attention, like the two of them occupied their own little world.

  Amanda cursorily pointed out a few of the more obvious birds, but otherwise chatted with Jamie. By the time the lodge came back into view, the intimacy of the old friends catching up left Kira miffed, though she did get a few good photos of a cinnamon warbler and a weaverbird. As intrusive questions about Jamie and Amanda tugged at her, she longed to be as free as the birds circling overhead.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Early the next morning they departed for safari while the air was still cool and the sky dark cobalt. The driver deftly navigated in the near darkness as the tracker sat-shotgun seeing, smelling, and hearing things invisible to the rest of the party.

  Back home, before Jeremy’s death tossed up Kira’s sleeping habits, she experienced life within a tidy framework of time. She woke up after sunrise and the sunset amounted to nothing more than a nuisance as she rushed west, home from work, all the while pounding on the horn to upset traffic into moving. Now she compared the sunrise coming up in central South Africa to the one she admired over the Atlantic as the brilliant star bathed the earth in a spectrum of oranges and yellows.

  Kira hardly caught Jamie’s eye all morning, except when she answered a question about the behaviors of lions. The memory of the night at the resort still lingered fresh in her mind. She felt
herself wanting Jamie when she caught sight of his particular smile with his upper lip arched to one side, the way his jeans hung off his hips when he helped everyone into the Land Rover, the way his fingers closed over the binoculars, and his jaw set intently trying to spot the source of far-off movement. Kira was certain her quickened pulse was audible as each of these private thoughts matched ones of her and Jamie, naked and rapturous.

  At the lodge, the guest rooms spanned a wide area so there was little chance anyone would notice one of them sneaking in or out of the other’s room. Kira doubted any of the guests would think twice about someone with Jamie, namely her, though she knew from the way the college-bound trio looked at him, they’d love to take some private lessons, surf or otherwise.

  As the sun shimmered up high over the broad plains, the landscape took shape, extending in all directions, unobstructed, straight to the horizon. The disorienting stripes of a herd of zebra wavered like a mirage in the distance. As they approached, giraffe and springbok also grazed.

  Kira snapped photos nonstop when she suddenly had the urge to come out from behind the camera for the experience. The tracker and driver communicated in a non-verbal language of gestures and nods. Before Kira knew it, they drove through bramble and came into an open area that dipped down toward a watering hole. A herd of elephants came into view.

  Back on the commune, during Kira’s childhood, there was often talk of spirit animals. Her mother called upon a bald eagle when she needed guidance. As the symbol for freedom, she took it to mean deserting, flying away. Then she left, free as a bird. These dark thoughts prickled Kira like the barbs on the nearby thorn bush.

  Maybe for that reason or her pragmatism, she’d dismissed the spirit animal idea. She didn’t understand the concept until her eyes rested upon the elephants on that African plain. Even from a distance, they pulled on her heart. They were so solid, so sure. She loved them instantly. Ideas about rescuing elephants and saving them raced through her mind in a manic loop reminiscent of her childhood wishes to save the planet. When a mid-sized female lifted her tree-trunk sized leg and then another, walking toward the Land Rover, Kira’s mind quietly settled. The grey canvas of her broad side wrinkled as she moved, her long trunk rising as if in greeting, and her enormous ears flapping in the breeze she created.

  Kira studied the elephant as one would a new baby, with love and reverence. The driver slowly backed up, giving the mammoth female the right of way, but before he did, Kira took one perfect photo of her. She believed her heart would always remember, but she wanted the visual reminder just in case.

  After stopping for a picnic lunch at an appointed spot, the tour group viewed several lions lazing in the long grass. Kira was back behind the viewfinder of her camera taking spectacular shots, all the while amused by how much the creatures, with their great manes, reminded her of Jamie.

  He chatted with her about as intimately as he did with Baker or Nigel, but again she told herself it was business. On the return trip to the lodge, Kira snagged the seat next to Jamie. He offered her, along with two of the three girls who crowded close, commentary on the natural flora of the area.

  After dinner at the lodge, everyone retired to their rooms, sleepy from the early morning trip and because the following night would be late with a drumming circle and a visit from a traditional healer. There was no sign of Jamie after they got back, so Kira settled into the Jacuzzi, with a glass of white wine in hand—chasing away doleful thoughts of similar nights spent alone.

  The next morning, the group departed on an excursion to a winery just west of the preserve. Jamie’s good mood bolstered the group.

  “We have Amanda along today as a supplementary guide. She knows the winery owners,” Jamie said with a smirk in Amanda’s direction. He joined her in the front, occasionally pointing out landmarks to the rest of the group, but mostly talking closely with Amanda—which when given the opportunity, most of the men in the group did. She was stunning: tall, had silky, coffee colored skin, perfect posture, and a dazzling smile.

  A white washed Cape Dutch-style building housed the winery with beautiful grapevines trailing around the grounds set against emerald green grass. The building also contained a store with local crafts, an elegant wine tasting area, and a restaurant where everyone consumed a mostly liquid lunch.

  Kira tasted several spectacular reds before buying one to share with Jamie, hopefully by candle light in the Jacuzzi. She wouldn’t mind splitting the bottle while in the infinity pool back at the resort in St. Francis Bay either. Kira convinced herself Jamie didn’t have anything to worry about if one of the tour members saw them getting cozy. She hiccupped. The wine tossed off her inhibitions, and she fantasized about the two of them in the bed under the moonlight.

  Jamie had disappeared from the group of mingling guests, along with Amanda, but when Kira returned from the ladies room, she spotted him coming inside. He looked disheveled.

  “Where’ve you been?” she asked, hoping they could find a quiet corner.

  “Left my sunnies on the bus,” he said.

  Just then, Amanda came in.

  “Found ‘em,” Jamie said.

  Amanda gave a confused smile.

  Kira couldn’t say more because Baker beckoned Jamie for his opinion on a Shiraz.

  Laughter filled the return trip to the lodge, everyone having tried more than one sample of each of the varietals. With Baker on a roll telling a hilarious account of a trip to Bali involving monkeys, Kira spotted Amanda and Jamie sitting comfortably close in the seat ahead of her. Their arms touched and their heads inclined toward one another intimately.

  Fueled by aged grapes and Jeremy associations, Kira called Jamie’s name. But just then, Emanuela drew her attention back into the conversation. Before she knew it, the shuttle bus turned onto the dirt road that led back to the preserve. As they disembarked, Amanda asked for the group’s attention.

  “This evening we will have a very special guest, a native healer who will be accompanied by a group of local drummers. We’d like to have you assembled when they arrive. Let’s meet by the east exit at eight o’clock.” She and Jamie dashed off toward the employee entrance to the lodge, and the rest of the group herded toward the main doors.

  Anxiety that Jamie and Amanda were more than old friends, edged into Kira’s mind. She wavered from one possibility to another, littered with snippets of Jeremy’s email exchanges and texts with other women.

  Kira slouched to her suite nearly ready to cry. Instead of sobbing on the bed, she took a seat on the deck overlooking the umber landscape of the Karoo in the fading sunlight. The few times she felt herself emotionally derailed on the trip, nature repeatedly set her back on course.

  Promptly at eight, they gathered at the appointed entrance, but Jamie and Amanda were still absent. Emanuela, a natural leader, went outside to determine where they were supposed to meet the healer and drummers. Sure enough, she found an outdoor entertainment area and the group made themselves comfortable awaiting their arrival.

  After a short time, several African men, followed by some teenagers and a small woman dressed in a vibrant ikat dress in teal and marigold, filed into the space. They took their places upon the earth and arranged drums of various sizes. As they did so, Kira wandered back in time to drum circles from the commune, dread-locked hippies in loose fitting pants, pounding their hearts out as the moon rose and set. At the time, Kira thought they were foolish, trying to channel something that wasn’t theirs. But as the first drumbeats sounded from the circle around her, and began to move down through the ground, up to the sky, and then vibrate through her, Kira’s opinion shifted. Just as she’d discovered the waves of the ocean were like the breath of the earth, so too the drumming felt like the great heartbeat of the world.

  Kira closed her eyes, the rhythmic beats entered her heart, and she attuned her breath to the hum of her physical memory of the ocean’s ebb and flow. Behind her eyes a slideshow of images appeared. First, her childhood, her self-absorbed par
ents, and homeschooling, which left Kira and Winter to roam around the commune day after day. Then when she finally went to school, memories of shame flushed through her when the school bus left her off at the commune and kids hollered hippie. She was unsure who to turn her back on, her parents for making her an outcast or the kids for harassing her. An image of her father, sallow, and bone thin, her mother crying herself to sleep every night and then one morning just gone, only a hastily written note in her wake. Her sister shrinking from her, and Kira from her sister as they each left, first Winter and then Kira, for college.

  Then she watched herself march far away from her parent’s burned out lifestyle, along with her spirit of freedom and curiosity, and right into Jeremy’s arms; the arms of a cheater and a liar. There were images of her feeling disappointed and knowing, but ignoring, her intuition’s plea telling her something was askew in their relationship. Images of Kira helplessly sobbing in the bed, lamenting the loss of her marriage and betrayal, flashed before her.

  Then she had a vision of herself at four, running in the sand, a kite in her hand and laughing. Her parents sat on a blanket smiling broadly, and her sister building a castle in the sand. The last one felt like an untainted vision, a pure moment; one filled with love and freedom swirling in the air. Kira wanted to linger there to find out what steps to take in order to get that feeling back. But the image shifted to her in the present, surfing along a peeling blue wave.

  It was all like an echo, but Kira lamented the loss or careful concealment of her spirit—that special something that got hidden under parental directives, expectations, and self-doubt. It was as if the drumbeat tapping in the background drew all Kira’s sorrows to the surface. As soon as she had that thought, the scene behind her eyes darkened, and the timbre of the drumming changed.

  Kira blinked open her eyes, her gaze landing on the healer. Her were eyes closed, and written in the creases along the sides of her face was deep knowing. Delicate lines ran along her forehead and around her eyes and mouth like each one could answer a question if Kira knew what to ask. She watched as the drummers chanted, each one taking up the sound in turn. After a round, they said the unfamiliar words in unison.