by Erin Green
Jonah shook his head.
‘I look out for me, and me only.’
‘Oh Jonah!’
‘I do.’
Esmé was irked by his attitude.
‘Was that why you lied about the tarantula?’
‘Of course, she was mine. I wanted to keep her.’
‘But you lie and you cheat your way through life.’
‘So?’
‘One day that might happen to you… your wife might—’ her words are interrupted by his bellowed laugh.
‘Moi? Get married? Never!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because my life’s good, too good to throw away on one chick.’
‘But the single guy, shagging machine lifestyle can’t last forever, can it?’
‘Why not?’
‘Because.’
‘Because what?’
‘Jonah… one day you’ll settle down.’
‘No, I won’t.’
Esmé smiled.
Such naïvety.
‘Because that’s what we all do. That’s life. Even me, when I’ve got over Andrew and this whole disaster of a situation… I’ll move on. I’ll meet someone and in time will repeat the process and settle down.’ She paused and picked at her finger nails. ‘I can’t imagine how I’ll ever trust again given how I’ve been treated but in time, it will happen.’
‘Why would I want that?’
‘For love, family, security, children…’
‘Children? You’ve got a high opinion of me, haven’t you?’
‘You want children, right?’
‘Sod off… have you heard the noise that one kid makes when he comes for a visit? Why would anyone choose to have that twenty-four seven?’
‘Jonah!’
‘Seriously. I eat, drink, shag and sleep – what more do I need in life?’
Esmé watched as he continued to justify the ingredients of his life.
No responsibilities, no worries, no concerns.
‘I’ll never get ulcers, nor stress, nor cancer,’ he laughed. ‘Unlike the rest of you.’
‘But you’ll never find happiness either,’ she added.
‘Because after years of traipsing after one guy you’re the picture of happiness, aren’t you? And he’s repaid you by knobbing someone behind your back!’
‘I’d have you know that being loved by someone is the most beautiful thing in the world. Knowing that they care for you and you care for them, through the good times and the bad. I love being in love and being part of a couple and yes, you’re right, right now, it hurts like crazy. I’ve felt sick nearly every day since we broke up. There are days I’ve felt very alone. But… but one day, when I least expect it, the man of my dreams will arrive and I’ll take my time getting to know him, watch and learn what kind of character he has. And yeah, next time, I’ll be cautious, hold back on giving too much of myself too soon and then, after we’ve discussed everything and know each other’s hopes, dreams and opinions, inside and out, I will fall in love. Guaranteed. Because as much as Andrew has hurt me, and boy, he has definitely hurt me, Jonah. I know how to love and I know that love is the only thing that I am sure I want in my future,’ Esmé’s voice cracked and her eyes welled with tears as she spoke so candidly.
Jonah stared, dumbstruck.
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really!’
‘And he’s going to feel exactly the same and will sweep you off your tiny little feet and you’ll live happily ever after!’
‘Yep.’
‘Wrong!’
‘No!’
‘Yeah! You’ll fall in love and do all this…’ he waved his hands in a large circle above his head, ‘… all this again and again and again. Esmé, you live in a dream world… wake up and smell the coffee. Human nature hasn’t designed us to be faithful.’
‘Mine has!’
Jonah burst out laughing.
‘Faithful? Pull the other one, love. You name me the faithful one among us?’
Esmé stood up sharply, her body trembled with a passion for defending her future hopes and happy ever afters.
‘Sit down.’
‘No. How dare you claim that the likes of me and people like me should live like the likes of you!’
‘When did I say that?’
‘You’re making out that we should all live like you… well, if that’s your idea of a happy future, good luck, but I know what I want and one day, I will have it.’
‘Along with a big white wedding, two point four children and tiny white picket fence…’ laughed Jonah.
‘Hey hey, what’s with all the shouting?’ asked Asa, as he entered the dining room and saw them sparring over the dirty plates. ‘I thought a pleasant dinner party was booked for this evening.’
‘Asa, a man after my own heart…’ sang Jonah gleefully.
‘Not quite. I think I’ve got standards compared to you!’
‘Thank you, Asa,’ cooed Esmé, as she collected the dirty plates to help calm herself down.
‘Tell her, why would any man want to give up being single… tell her… we have the time of our bloody lives and yet these women, all they want to do is get us to settle down.’
Asa stared from Jonah to Esmé and back again.
‘Are you pair always this passionate over dinner?’
‘No!’ snapped Esmé, as she covered the dish of left over vegetables for Russ’s supper.
‘Tell her man, she needs to hear it from someone she’ll listen to – otherwise she’ll waste her life chasing dreams.’
Asa pulled a face before speaking.
‘What’s it to you what she thinks… if you’re doing what makes you happy, carry on. Maybe she wants something so different you can’t even imagine it.’
‘Bollocks!’
‘Is it?’
‘Yes, and you know it…’
‘Do I now?’
Jonah paused, sat back and smirked. ‘Asa, you do this every time. You talk the talk and yet when it comes to walking the walk you bail… every single time. You forget I know you of old before all this namby-pamby crap kicked in. Your job has gone to your head, mate… you were far better without all this touchy-feely business.’
‘Jonah, you’re talking out of your arse,’ replied Asa, as he turned to Esmé. ‘I came in to apologise for being late, I’ve just finished my shift but hey, it looks like dinner is over.’
‘No problem. There’s a trifle chilling in the fridge, if you want some.’
‘Look at you playing house,’ muttered Jonah.
‘I have no idea where the conversation has gone or is going, so I’ll clear the table and be done,’ said Esmé, collecting the plates as the two men stared at each other above her head.
‘Great dinner party, Esmé. We must do it again sometime, not!’ called Jonah, as she carried a pile of dirty plates from the dining room. ‘And it doesn’t make up for you having killed my tarantula.’
*
‘Are you OK?’ asked Asa, as he spooned trifle from the chilled dish.
Esmé stood at the sink washing up by hand. The bubbles made her think of her teenage life at home, washing up after a Sunday roast.
‘Me? Fine.’
‘He doesn’t get it… so don’t take it to heart.’
‘Point proven.’
Asa returned the trifle dish to the fridge and leant against the work surface to eat.
Silence descended.
‘He doesn’t get a lot of things. Doesn’t get love, or commitment. Just shagging and drama and…’
‘Life isn’t just a tick list of things, you know?’ said Asa.
‘I do know.’
‘I heard you rattle off a list like a grocery order… it shouldn’t be like that either.’
‘So now, I’m wrong?’ Esmé stopped and turned, her soapy hands suspended. ‘What’s so wrong in wanting to be married by the age of thirty? Have children at an age young enough to keep up but mature enough to nurture?’
‘No,
but—’
‘It sounded like I was being criticised then.’
‘Hey, why snap at me? I’m trying to help you to understand what he’s on about. You make out life is like picking cans off a supermarket shelf, once you’ve got the full collection you’ll be happy. Tell me, how many people do you know who have everything you listed in life and yet, aren’t happy? Happiness isn’t guaranteed.’
‘OK, not everyone’s happy… but they’re married and they have children, they’re loved.’
‘Are they? I wonder how many feel trapped, used or deceived. They bought into your tick list of life just as you have and now find they wish they hadn’t been so narrow minded.’
‘Is it so wrong to want what I want?’
‘No, but don’t expect everyone to want that, or be happy with it. Jonah won’t have failed in life if he hasn’t got a wife, two kids and a Volvo estate. But view it as you do, and you’d say he could never be happy without those things. We’re all different.’
‘Are we? Shucks, that never crossed my mind,’ said Esmé, who huffed and puffed in frustration.
‘I give in… see you.’ Asa headed for the door, spooning his trifle as he walked. ‘Cheers for this.’
‘Asa?’
‘What?’ Asa turned back, holding the door open with his foot.
‘What is it blokes want then?’
‘To be happy with their lot… whatever their lot might be.’
Esmé stared at him as he ate his trifle. She took in his clean, strong and healthy, dark brooding features which were attractive from a certain angle. Together, that was the word for Asa. Whatever the rest of the world were searching for in life, Asa already had it sorted.
‘And do you know what your lot is?’
‘Yeah, and it’s not a standard shopping list.’
He let the door close after his final word.
‘Great! So, now my so-called ‘shopping list’ of life is being attacked,’ muttered Esmé, cleaning the cutlery. ‘Why do I have to be the one that starts again from scratch?’
Chapter Thirty-one
Day 20: Take time to listen to others
‘Is that my Prosecco you’re drinking?’ asked Esmé, as Jonah sat on the garden wall drinking as dusk began to fall.
He pulled a face.
‘It could be…’ He finished his glass, and held it out to her.
‘Cheers. I was saving that.’
‘What, for another disastrous weekend home alone?’
‘No, another dinner party actually.’
‘Please don’t invite me next time.’
‘Oh, bugger you, Jonah. They’re my bubbles, I’ll fetch my own glass.’
Esmé darted inside the house and returned with another glass.
‘Say when,’ he asked, whilst pouring.
‘When it gets to the bloody top, that’s when,’ laughed Esmé.
Esmé watched as the bubbles eased up the glass, and Jonah stopped pouring at exactly the right moment, without spilling a drop.
‘So, what’s new with you?’ she asked, settling onto the wall beside him.
‘Apart from not owning a pet spider anymore?’
‘Yep, apart from that old news.’
‘I’m waiting to hear about an industry award and possible interest in a photo shoot I did a week last Wednesday, the guy wants to fly me out to Milan for a specific shot… I’ll be gutted if he doesn’t phone.’
‘That’s not like you, you’re usually more upbeat about work.’
‘Not this one, I really want this one. This guy could make or break my career… a set of shots by him will help me no end.’
Esmé sipped her bubbles. He was being very polite and sociable given last night’s heated conversation and his dead spider.
‘When’s the latest you’ll hear by?’
‘Yesterday.’
‘Oh.’
‘Exactly. Oh!’
‘Never mind, you’ll find something else. And the industry award?’
‘Hmmm, not sure but it had better be mine this year.’
‘Look at me, so much has changed in a few weeks.’
‘Yeah, three weeks ago you were happy in a relationship, and now look.’
‘You git!’
‘Sorry, but it’s true – don’t kid yourself that happiness is around the next corner.’
‘Maybe, but you don’t have to rub my nose in it… anyway, at least I’ve made progress, I could have put up with his cheating and been walked all over for the rest of my days.’
Jonah looked at her square on, his brow furrowed.
‘Is that how you see it?’
‘I do… yes,’ said Esmé. ‘It sets a precedent in a relationship… I’d have opened myself up to a life of misery with a cheating partner.’
Jonah refilled his glass and pondered.
‘And you’ve never cheated?’
‘No!’
‘Blimey!’
Esmé watched as he sipped his drink. His skin was flawless, his eyes a dazzling blue and his chiselled jawline was Hollywood perfect.
‘You’d never trust the likes of me then?’
‘No Jonah, as much as I’d love to… you aired your views last night.’
‘I might have been pulling your leg.’
‘I doubt it.’
His hand reached for hers. His thumb gently massaged the back of her hand in a circular motion. Esmé watched as her skin gently rippled under his touch and a tingle ran along her spine.
So gentle, so soft and yet, she looked into his face, so very dangerous.
‘What?’
‘Things could have been so different for us, couldn’t they?’ he whispered.
‘If you’d asked me out as a teenager, but you didn’t.’
‘You were my friend’s kid sister.’
‘I’m still your friend’s kid sister…’ Esmé retrieved her hand from his.
‘You’ve grown, back then it would have been seen as me taking advantage of a puppy love crush.’
And that would have bothered you?
Esmé shook her head.
‘Seriously… it was a no goer,’ he whispered, moving closer.
‘But now?’
‘Now’s different…’
Esmé stood, collected her glass from the wall and drank the remaining Prosecco.
‘Now I’m older and wiser – which doesn’t bode well for either of us, Jonah.’
‘Are you going back inside? I thought we’d finish this together.’ he said, indicating the nearly empty bottle.
She’d had enough of trying to listen to other folk for one day, whatever her calendar said. Penny hadn’t appreciated the time she spent listening to her rant about her small children and their avoidance of bedtime routines. Esmé thought a problem shared might be halved, but sadly not. Likewise, Marianne only seemed narked by Esmé’s effort to listen to others and eyed her suspiciously. So, Esmé had planned to return to her bedroom for a quiet night and a read.
‘Enjoy!’ Esmé began to move towards the house.
‘Really? You’d bail out when we were finally having a pleasant chat?’
Esmé turned as he spoke.
‘Jonah, Jonah, Jonah, you and I both know that we had the chance of a lovely chat last night and look where that ended. Asa called you an ungrateful git and I wanted to throttle you for your arrogance and lack of morals. Do you really wish to repeat the scenario?’
‘We’ll make a deal. I won’t disrespect the ‘M’ word if you don’t lecture me about the ‘C’ word – agreed?’
Esmé pulled a face. What the hell was he talking about?
‘Marriage.’
‘Yeah and…’
‘Cheating!’
‘Oh that! My guess is we’ll have nothing to talk about then,’ she laughed.
‘Phuh! Ye of little faith!’ Jonah patted the topping stone next to him. ‘Please? Anyway, I have a favour to ask and if you go inside… you’ll never hear what it is.’
She could
do without this. An early night would be far wiser.
‘Try me,’ she said.
‘Will you be my plus one to attend the industry awards a week on Thursday?’
‘Wow! I am honoured!’
‘Who else would I ask?’
‘Jonah, don’t flatter yourself…’
‘Come on, say yes to being my plus one then we’ll fetch a fresh bottle of vino and put the world to rights.’
*
‘Emma, do you mind?’ murmured Jonah, as he pulled the duvet from her side to cover his bare shoulder.
Esmé let go of the fabric, her warm section flowed sideways onto his body as a cold section slid across to cover her.
Great!
Esmé lay in the dark staring at his ceiling, outside the car headlights made abstract patterns as they came around the corner and parked.
How had she allowed this to happen? she thought.
One minute she was heading for an early night and a good read, the next he’d uncorked another bottle and they’d moved from the wall to make themselves comfortable on the wooden bench. ‘Beautiful Esmé, come and have a drink with me,’ he’d pleaded for the final time, as she’d stood deliberating and eventually threw caution to the wind, just as he knew she would. She’d fallen for his swagger. She was tonight’s Melissa.
How had they ended up lying in the hammock? Squashed together like satsumas in a net? Hadn’t she suggested that they top and tail – that would have been far safer. She wouldn’t have ended up here if they’d topped and tailed!
They’d lain beneath the stars and rocked gently. The wine flowed, the conversation had followed and then, he’d kissed her. Not a boisterous, hard, intimidating kind of kiss that she’d imagined Jonah would give. But tender. Soft. Slow. Enticing. Which brought her guard tumbling down.
Esmé looked at the sleeping figure, his blond hair spread out on his pillow, the outline of his back and shoulders defined and muscular against the darkness. He was far stronger than Esmé had expected. Andrew would never have managed to carry her up the stairs in such a tangled embrace.
Had she fancied a nightcap or had she simply wanted his undivided attention? Just as Melissa had.
They were both consenting adults, they’d used protection. Everyone else did as they wished. Why shouldn’t she have her fun, Andrew had? It wasn’t as if she’d made a habit of such behaviour in her younger days but she was older, wiser and if she chose to spend the night with Jonah, it was her choice.
