The Single Girl’s Calendar

by Erin Green

  ‘Esmé, you were awesome,’ said Stig.

  ‘I was?’

  ‘Yeah, you had fear written all over your face and yet, you launched… I thought you were just about to bail but no, off you went!’ he laughed, holding his sides as Asa supported him. ‘Asa, can I go down alongside her next time.’

  A pause occurred before Asa spoke.

  ‘Sure man. If that’s what you really want.’

  ‘No!’ Esmé saw the surprise on Asa’s face. ‘I would prefer to go with one of the others, you should stick with the original plan and head down alongside Asa – you can have a race to the finish.’

  ‘OK,’ said Stig, turning to Asa. ‘You and me then, mate.’

  ‘You and me!’ repeated Asa, his voice sounding hollow.

  ‘Come on, we need to move on to the big one,’ said Esmé, walking away from the pair. The look on Asa’s face was etched upon her mind. Stig’s suggestion had hit home. For a split second, she’d seen Asa’s pain.

  ‘Thank you… I really want to do this alongside him.’

  Esmé turned to find Asa walking at her left shoulder, the helpers supporting Stig a short distance away.

  Esmé stopped.

  ‘You really care about these kids, don’t you?’

  Asa rolled his lips together and sighed. For an instant he looked vulnerable, his emotions bare.

  ‘I get it, I really do,’ she added.

  ‘Good… because you’ll stop talking emotional crap and get your ass up the hill so we can all move towards the big one and give this lad the thrill of his damned life,’ said Asa, with a sudden glint in his eye.

  *

  The Stig Six didn’t walk to the top of the mountain, they couldn’t. Instead a refurbished cattle wagon trundled up the steady climb along the twisting quarry road to reach nearly five hundred metres up the mountain. Esmé hung onto the wagon’s metal tubing rail, her knuckles whitening simultaneously with her face.

  ‘Are you alright?’ asked Tara.

  Esmé nodded in a frantic manner.

  ‘You can say… Stig will laugh it off.’

  ‘Hmmm, but will I live it down?’

  The helper inclined her head and smiled.

  ‘From Stig maybe, but not where Asa is concerned.’

  Esmé turned away to watch a set of daredevils launch from the quarry side and fly through the air towards the wagon, going straight over the top and away down the mountain side. She followed their progress across the quarry, above the blue lake and on towards the landing platforms, just tiny specks in the distance.

  A wave of nausea swept over her.

  Stig’s voice rattled on about what he is going to do this time whilst flying: arms out, arms in, waving, singing or shouting as he raced Asa.

  Esmé’s gaze traced the outline beneath his orange jumpsuit – there was nothing of him, the fabric billowed around his stick thin limbs, his collar bone protruded and his sallow cheeks dipped inwards.

  Why was life so cruel? She’d asked Asa questions earlier at home during breakfast.

  ‘It’s frigging unfair, that cancer is about to snatch the life of a young man who hadn’t even learnt how to examine his own body properly to ensure that anomalies didn’t go unnoticed. How sick is that? The bitch got him before he was old enough to know better.’ Asa had said as he ate his morning toast. ‘By the time his testicles were painful and swelling, it was too late. He was given the diagnosis in a matter of days.’

  Esmé watched Asa and the others make Stig’s planned adventure bigger, grander and more outlandish by suggesting song titles he could shout whilst flying.

  ‘Come fly with me.’

  ‘When I see an elephant fly.’

  ‘Flying without wings.’

  The group became rowdy and boisterous as the wagon continued the climb. Esmé’s stomach churned as the wheels rolled.

  Finally, the wagon drew to a halt on a large flat area of grey shale by a sturdy fence edging the quarry drop.

  The billowing clouds were too close for Esmé’s liking.

  *

  Within seconds they had unloaded Stig from the wagon and were lined up ready for the short walk to the platform and the waiting cable.

  In her head, Esmé practised her announcement.

  Asa, Stig, I’m so sorry but I really can’t do this… the practice one was bad enough but this… up here, so high off the ground… I simply can’t do…

  ‘Come on, slow coach,’ said Asa.

  Esmé froze.

  This was her moment to say it.

  ‘Asa, look it’s been a fun day so far but I really…’

  ‘Want to do this and can’t wait to get started.’

  ‘No!’

  ‘Yes.’ Asa’s hand grabbed hers and pulled her aside in an unceremonious fashion.

  ‘Asa look… seriously, I can’t go through with this.’

  Asa’s grip tightened. His head bent towards her ear.

  ‘The lad’s dying… and you’re worried that you can’t do this? Are you for real, Esmé?’

  Esmé’s eyes lifted to view Asa’s stern expression.

  ‘Take a look at that kid’s face, think of all the wonderful things that face won’t ever enjoy in life and then tell me that you going to deny him the enjoyment of watching you face a fear because he has asked you to. You are giving up just one moment of your selfish, timid, scared little life to him and his enjoyment because… and I mean this, Esmé, that lad hasn’t got long left and this is the day he asked for. One day, where we all put aside our own worries and create a day to remember. And if you are really selfish enough to be able to face that young lad and tell him that you can’t do this… you’re not the woman I thought you were.’ Asa’s voice cracked on his final sentence. Esmé stared at him, a flush of tears threatening to cascade from her. ‘Now, buck yourself up because you have got a damned sight more days to enjoy life and be the scared little girl that you are, than he has!’ His final words were hurried, he dropped her hand and instantly turned away brushing a hand across his eyes and face.

  ‘Asa?’

  He ignored her call and strode towards Stig, as the helpers carried him towards the launch platform.

  *

  Esmé had no choice. She lay cradled in the harness and pinned to the zip wire cable. The wind gently swung her body from side to side as she watched them secure Tara. The rest of Stig Six stood behind her, huddled together, whispering and awaiting their turn.

  Her stomach flipped, her limbs shook and she turned her head sideways as she couldn’t face the view before her. Nearly five hundred metres’ drop to a metal platform which she couldn’t see and where she was to be caught by a giant hook.

  Asa stepped forward and crouched beside her shoulder.

  ‘Thank you, this means the world to him.’

  Esmé’s doleful expression was greeted by his warm smile.

  ‘Sorry.’

  Asa nodded before returning to the group.

  ‘Ready, steady, and…’

  Esmé didn’t hear the word ‘go’ as the safety clip was released and the wind snatched her breath away for the second time. The cable whizzed and whooshed above her head and her body swung in the canopy as she flew over a bright orange wagon parked beneath her.

  Silence descended as the quarry side fell away and there was nothing beneath her but distant land hundreds of feet below. Esmé looked around as if she had all the time in the world, the motion seemed to have slowed and yet, she knew she was still moving rapidly.

  This is how a bird must feel.

  The large lake beneath displayed a spectrum of blue hues as the water deepened and eased. In less than a minute Esmé had covered the mile long zip wire, and land was beneath her once more. She was greeted by the landing instructor’s huge smile.

  ‘How was that, love?’

  ‘Awesome, I want to do it again,’ shouted Esmé as she landed, the excitement bubbling in her voice.

  She gingerly climbed down from the landing platform.


  ‘That was the best thing I have ever done,’ screamed Tara.

  ‘Me too!’

  She’d actually done it! She didn’t let him down. Esmé was unsure if ‘him’ was Stig or Asa.

  Chapter Thirty-nine

  Day 28: Organise a girls’ night out

  It was supposed to be a girls’ night out, that’s what The Single Girl’s Calendar had proclaimed but it felt good to have everyone together in one room. For once, Kane hadn’t joined the ensemble. Karaoke wasn’t Esmé’s forte, nor a strong talent of anyone who had graced the microphone with their chronic warbling, so far. The Cube hired out karaoke booths purely for private parties so shrouded everyone’s embarrassment in sound proof rooms alongside all mod cons and alcohol on tap. Apart from a tuneful singer, what more could a group of friends ask for?

  The majority of the crowd had attempted to sing. Penny and her husband, Keith, had annihilated a Sonny and Cher cover, which everyone hoped wouldn’t lead them down the same marital pathway. Marianne’s long-term boyfriend, Jimmy, was too busy parading and practising as Elvis Presley to succumb to the star-studded line up that was Bucks Fizz, despite the promise that he could attempt to rip Marianne’s skirt off in one sweeping move. Bucks Fizz instantly became a trio as both Penny and Marianne performed word perfectly behind Keith, a single male but at least it gave Jimmy’s top lip time to practise curling.

  ‘Esmé, thank you for asking us. You’ve only been gone a few weeks but we’ve missed you so much already,’ was Marianne’s opening line that night. Esmé had to work hard to swallow the lump wedged in her throat on greeting her two colleagues and their partners.

  ‘Old Steely Stylo keeps asking us when you’re coming back?’ added Penny, which made Esmé’s heart feel heavier than ever. Nine years was a long time to work for one employer, but the freedom to find herself and develop her talents was far more important at this point in her life.

  Esmé moved around the karaoke booth, going from table to table amidst the variously coloured strobe lights. She was trying her hardest to merge the two groups but the Stylo four seemed content not to associate with her housemates. Was it Jonah’s model looks, Russ’s morose expression or Asa’s inked face that was creating the No Man’s Land between the tables? Only Carys moved between the two camps as freely as Esmé did, laughing, joking and making sparkling conversation.

  ‘Oy Esmé, come here a minute?’ Jonah beckoned her towards his table, and pointed at the song selection book. ‘Here, you pick a song any song and I’ll sing it just for you,’ he said, pulling her close into his body. Esmé felt his hand travel about her shoulder and linger before it travelled down towards the base of her spine where it stuck fast.

  ‘Keep your paws to yourself, Jonah… Emma’s not up for the likes of you tonight!’ she warned.

  ‘Ay, am I ever going to live that down?’ he asked defensively.

  ‘No, not really!’ Esmé was unwilling to do anything that would put herself at the centre of his attention ever again. Naked or clothed.

  *

  The group cheered as Dam finally arrived an hour after the allotted arrival time.

  ‘It’s about time too… we thought you’d got lost!’ called Asa, looking up from the song selection book. ‘Or was it another dinner at your parents?’

  ‘Dinner at my parents? Mmmm, touchy subject, man. I’m not in their good books at the moment, but hey, they’ll come around. An extra few hours at work and every one thinks I’m up to something.’

  ‘Dam, is there anything you’d like to announce?’ called Esmé, across the karaoke booth.

  Carys blushed, instantly busying herself on her mobile.

  ‘Such as?’ said Dam, shrugging and feigning confusion, as he settled beside Russ.

  That was a cheap shot, that I shouldn’t have said, thought Esmé. She’s my best friend. I should be repaying her for the support she’s shown me.

  Esmé watched as Dam and Russ sat forlornly, both concealing love-interests and wishing they were elsewhere.

  *

  ‘Esmé, what are you singing?’ asked Keith, Penny’s husband.

  Esmé protested frantically for the third time tonight, this really wasn’t her scene, she’d only agreed to the venue and activity because Carys had made her vow to stick to the rules of The Single Girl’s Calendar. Getting her various friendship groups together seemed like the logical thing to do.

  ‘Not me, I sound like a mongoose playing a harmonica,’ she joked, hoping that would finally stop the requests for the night.

  Asa stared and pouted.

  ‘I’ll sing if you do,’ he said, handing her the selection book.

  ‘Honestly Asa, I can’t sing… everyone is better than me.’

  He pulled a face.

  ‘Right I’ll do it alone then,’ he said, removing his jacket and making his way to the main microphone positioned on the mini stage. A succession of coloured strobe lights skimmed his features distorting his expression and body art.

  Esmé leaned against the wall of their booth and watched as Asa composed himself before taking the microphone. He’d really been a tower of strength in recent weeks and she’d seen a whole new side of him with young Stig. A tenderness and strength that he’d previously hidden, though it was now perfectly clear why he’d been so attentive when he’d found her upon the bathroom floor with a migraine. Yes, she’d annoyed him with her initial refusal to go on the zip wire but he’d encouraged her and helped her to overcome her fear. And she’d ended the day as pleased as punch that she’d helped in giving Stig his dream day out. Be it two months, six months or a year he had left, Stig would never forget his magical day.

  A sweet gentle intro drifted from the overhead speakers, Asa cleared his throat before his voice filled their booth. Everyone stopped talking and turned to watch. Esmé had expected him to choose a heavy metal track, a testosterone filled number full of power and anger but he hadn’t. Instead, a delicate backing track of simple guitars was all that supported Asa’s voice. Esmé watched as he openly sang to the gathered group, turning this way and that as the words filled their booth and on reaching her, his eyes stayed, lingered and remained fixed upon her.

  Esmé’s knees jittered. Her backbone prickled. His gaze bore into hers. It wasn’t a song she knew, or recognised, but the repeating line of ‘Let it be me’ rang about the booth as the rest of the crowd faded and disappeared, leaving just the two of them standing a distance apart across the dimly lit room where strobe lights flashed and danced. Esmé held her breath. This was a moment she wanted to pause, rewind and review but within a minute or so, Asa’s song had ended and the friends were on their feet clapping as he exited the mini stage. He retrieved his jacket and returned to being Asa, the housemate, the wind-up merchant, her brother’s friend.

  ‘Now your turn,’ he said, when he reached her position.

  Esmé shook her head.

  ‘Chicken?’

  ‘No, I just can’t sing like you do – why force me to show myself up.’

  ‘Esmé… it’s a bit of fun, why be so serious?’

  Why had he ruined it by calling her ‘chicken’? He’d walked from that stage like a new man, as if the lights had depicted his true nature and worth. Yet, within seconds had ruined the illusion with a cheap jibe.

  ‘I was half expecting you to sing ‘Dancing Queen’,’ she said, narked that he’d called her chicken. ‘You said that was your favourite.’

  ‘No, I didn’t, I said that was a favourite of most people… they love to hate it but secretly they love it. I just sang my favourite song… ‘Let it be me’, didn’t you hear it?’

  Esmé shrugged.

  Asa glowered at her. His jaw clenched and released.

  ‘Great, thanks a bunch.’

  Esmé watched him walk off to collect another beer before making conversation with Dam.

  ‘Are you alright?’ said Jonah, as he snaked an unwelcome arm about her shoulder again, his right hand resting above her right breast.
r />   ‘Oh me, yeah, of course,’ lied Esmé, trying to switch moods.

  ‘Forget him, he’s got serious issues,’ said Jonah, nodding towards Asa.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ she said, at the exact moment that Asa looked up and saw Jonah draped about her shoulders.

  ‘Anyway, tell me how Grace is… she’s far more important than Asa.’

  Esmé continued to explain that Grace was expected to stay in hospital for another week before being transferred to her son’s home for some nursing by the family.

  The karaoke continued in good spirit and as the alcohol flowed, everyone but Esmé attempted to sing during the evening. She couldn’t bring herself to try, knowing that all eyes would be upon her.

  Hadn’t she made enough foolish errors in front of her housemates this month?

  Asa’s stare seemed fixated on her and each time their eyes met across the booth, she quickly looked away.

  *

  ‘Kiss me,’ demanded Asa, as they leant against the brickwork of the house. He’d invited her outside for a chat while he enjoyed a cigarette.

  ‘What?’ said Esmé, scanning his features.

  ‘I said… kiss me.’

  ‘Asa?’ Her tone lifted, unsure if he meant it.

  ‘Go on then.’

  ‘But Asa…’

  ‘I’ll kiss you then.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I thought you were after the thrill of a man… so, here you go.’

  ‘Are you serious?’

  ‘I’m as serious as you are.’

  Silence. Esmé stared at him in the moonlight. She could see he was the worse for wear from drink but still, this wasn’t Asa.

  ‘Why?’ she asked, unsure what game was being played.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘But you said—’

  ‘Ignore what I said… you want me, I want you… so, why not?’ He took hold of her forearms and pulled her close.

  ‘Asa?’

  He paused, blinked and released his grip upon her upper arms.

  ‘I get it.’ He pulled away.

  ‘Get what?’

  ‘No. Sorry. I thought for just one minute that you did actually want what I wanted but no, I now get it, I see it, you hesitated. Sorry, my mistake. I can only apologise.’