Ms. LaGrange Is Strange!

by Dan Gutman

  Mr Klutz should stick to being principal, if you ask me. He makes a terrible lunch lady.

  5

  France Talk and Frogs’ Legs

  The next day there was a sign in front of the school: “Welcome, Ms. LaGrange!”

  Mr. Klutz was standing at the front door next to a lady I never saw before. Her hair stuck out from under a big chef’s hat, and she was wearing an apron with the words “Make Lunch, Not War” on it.

  “Ms. LaGrange, this is A.J.,” Mr. Klutz said when I reached the top of the steps. “Maybe you can get him to eat some vegetables.”

  “Bonjour, Mr. A.J.,” said Ms. LaGrange.

  “You talk funny,” I said.

  “Ms. LaGrange comes from France,” Mr. Klutz told me. “Bonjour means ‘hello’ in French.”

  “Well, bonjour to you, too,” I said.

  When we got to class, everybody was talking about Ms. LaGrange, the new lunch lady.

  “Miss Daisy, where is France?” asked Andrea.

  “I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy, who never knows anything. I wonder how she ever got a job as a teacher.

  Miss Daisy pulled down a big map of the world. We looked all over the map until we found France. It was on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.

  “Did Ms. LaGrange swim to school?” asked Emily. What a dumbhead!

  “She probably took an airplane,” said Miss Daisy.

  “If she took an airplane, she should give it back,” I said. Nobody laughed at my joke even though it was funny.

  We were supposed to work on our “Welcome, Ella Mentry” banner, but Miss Daisy let us use the computers to go on the Internet and learn more about France.

  We learned all kinds of things. Did you know that France gave us the Statue of Liberty? I guess they didn’t want it. When my mom has stuff that she doesn’t want, she gives it away. Or sometimes she just throws it in the garbage.

  Ryan found out that in France they eat snails and frogs’ legs. I thought I was gonna throw up.

  “What do they do with the rest of the frog?” Michael asked.

  “Ms. LaGrange will probably serve it for lunch,” Ryan said.

  I said I like French food, like French fries and French toast.

  “You silly dumbhead,” Andrea said. “French fries aren’t French.”

  “Are too!”

  “Are not.”

  We went back and forth like that for a while until Miss Daisy asked if anyone knew anything else about France.

  “I know a poem about France,” I said.

  “Oh, will you share it with us, A.J.?”

  So I said my poem:

  “I see London, I see France

  I see Emily’s underpants.”

  Emily got up and ran out of the room crying. What is her problem? It was just a poem.

  After we learned everything about France, we learned more about ancient Egypt. Miss Daisy showed us pictures of the pyramids. They were cool. Then she said it was time for math, even though she doesn’t know anything about math. She can’t even add or subtract, so we have to teach her. Miss Daisy begged us not to tell Mr. Klutz how dumb she is because she doesn’t want to be fired.

  Miss Daisy is crazy!

  Finally it was time for lunch with Ms. LaGrange. We were so excited!

  6

  Welcome to Café LaGrange

  When we walked into the vomitorium, it looked completely different. I thought that maybe we were in the wrong place.

  The lights were turned down so low you could hardly see. There was a sign in the corner that said “Café LaGrange.” The tables were covered with tablecloths and fake candles that were really electric lights. There was even music! A few of the fifth graders in the orchestra were playing violins. It sounded like the noise you make when you pinch the end of a balloon and let the air out.

  “Oooh!” Emily said. “It’s beautiful! It’s like going to a fancy restaurant.”

  If there’s one thing I hate more than school and vegetables, it’s going to fancy restaurants. But I didn’t say anything. We were all on our best behavior because we wanted to make a good impression on Ms. LaGrange.

  “Wait until Ella Mentry comes to our school and sees this,” Andrea said. “She’s going to be really impressed.”

  Suddenly Ms. LaGrange came out of the kitchen.

  “Bonjour!” she said in that French talk. “Welcome to Café LaGrange.”

  “Bonjour,” we all said back.

  “The specials of the day are French Sloppy Joe sandwiches, French salisbury steak, French chili surprise, and French tuna casserole,” said Ms. LaGrange.

  “It sounds yummy!” said Andrea, who compliments grown-ups no matter what they do.

  We got in line. It all looked like the same old disgusting foods to me, except that they had the word “French” in front of them.

  “Do you have any French peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?” I asked. Whoever invented the peanut butter and jelly sandwich was a genius.

  “No, but I have French mashed potatoes,” Ms. LaGrange said.

  I looked at the mashed potatoes. They looked pretty normal, except for one thing. There were letters written in them. The letters were Y-A-W-Y-E. It didn’t even spell a word.

  “Ms. LaGrange, what does ‘YAWYE’ mean?” asked Ryan.

  “Oh, that is my little secret,” she replied. “Maybe I will tell you someday. Who would like to try French peas and carrots?”

  “Me! Me! Me!” said Andrea, who loves every horrible-tasting thing that’s good for you.

  “Not me,” I said.

  “Did you ever try peas or carrots, Mister A.J.?”

  “No.”

  “Well, how do you know you don’t like them if you don’t try them?” she asked.

  “I never tried eating dirt,” I said, “but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t like that.”

  “Won’t you please try my peas and carrots, Mister A.J.,” she said. “Pretty please?”

  “No!”

  Suddenly Ms. LaGrange picked up one of those spray bottles that lunch ladies use to clean off the tables. She pointed it at me. Then she squirted water in my face!

  “Hey!” I shouted. “What’s the big idea?”

  “Anyone who refuses to try peas and carrots will be sprayed,” said Ms. LaGrange.

  Everybody else took some peas and carrots. The yellow traffic light was on, so we were allowed to whisper at our tables.

  “Ms. LaGrange is strange,” I said as I wiped off my face.

  “Yeah,” Ryan agreed. “What’s the deal with those mashed potatoes? What do you think ‘YAWYE’ means?”

  We all thought about it.

  “I know what it means,” Michael said. “You Always Wash Your Ears.”

  “Maybe it means Yes Always Wipe Your Elbows,” guessed Ryan.

  “I know,” I said. “Young Adults Want Yellow Elephants.”

  “That makes no sense at all,” Michael said, throwing one of his Tater Tots at me.

  We were still trying to figure out what ‘YAWYE’ meant when Ms. LaGrange came around from table to table with one of those big pepper shakers.

  “Are you sure you won’t try my French peas and carrots, Mister A.J.?” she asked.

  “If I say no, are you going to brain me with that pepper thing?” I asked.

  “Of course not,” she replied. “But you know, A.J., carrots are good for your eyes. You never saw a rabbit wearing glasses, did you?”

  “I never saw a bird wearing glasses either,” I replied, “but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna eat worms.”

  Andrea and her annoying friends at the next table turned around.

  “I bet you’d like baby carrots, A.J.,” Andrea said. “They’re yummy!”

  “Do you know where baby carrots come from?” asked Ms. LaGrange.

  “Baby carrots grow out of the ground!” Andrea said.

  “That’s disgusting,” I said. “Food comes in cans and jars and boxes, not out of the ground! I’m not going to eat
something that grew in dirt!”

  “Americans are silly,” said Ms. LaGrange. “In France I grew my own food in a garden behind my house. Say, maybe we can start a vegetable garden out by the playground, so you can learn where food comes from.”

  “That would be wonderful!” said Andrea. “We can work in the garden during recess.”

  Oh, great. We get twenty minutes all day to run around, and we’ll have to spend that time digging in the dirt for yucky vegetables.

  I think Ms. LaGrange saw me wrinkle up my nose, because she said she likes sugary treats, just like me. She said she has a special treat in the freezer, and she’s going to wait for a special occasion to give it to us.

  Ugh. It’s probably dead frogs with no legs.

  7

  Secret Agents

  After lunch we had social studies. Miss Daisy showed us a video about the pyramids in Egypt. She said that when the pyramids were built, they didn’t have trucks or cranes or machines. And each of those rocks weighed over a thousand pounds.

  “How did they pick them up?” I asked.

  “I have no idea,” said Miss Daisy, who doesn’t know anything.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon working on our “Welcome, Ella Mentry” banner. She was coming to visit any day.

  Finally the little hand on the clock reached three and the big hand reached twelve. Three o’clock. Hooray! I walked home with Ryan and Michael.

  “Those pyramids are cool,” I said. “How do you think they picked up those big rocks?”

  “It’s a mystery,” said Ryan.

  “The big mystery is that secret code Ms. LaGrange writes in the mashed potatoes,” Michael said. “We have to figure out what ‘YAWYE’ means.”

  “Maybe it means You All Wet Your Envelopes,” suggested Ryan.

  “Maybe it means Yes We Have No Bananas,” I suggested.

  “That would be Y-W-H-N-B, dumbhead,” said Michael.

  “Close enough,” I said.

  “Maybe Ms. LaGrange isn’t a lunch lady at all,” Michael said. “Did you ever think of that?”

  “What do you mean?” asked Ryan.

  “Maybe she’s a fake,” Michael said. “Maybe she kidnapped our real new lunch lady and locked her in the freezer. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

  “My friend Billy around the corner told me they freeze dead people so they can bring them back to life in the future,” I said.

  “Your friend Billy is weird,” said Ryan.

  “I bet our real lunch lady is in the freezer,” I said.

  “Along with Ms. LaGrange’s special dessert,” Michael said.

  “And the secret of YAWYE,” added Ryan.

  That’s when I got the most genius idea in the history of the world—we should go back to school and see what was in the freezer!

  You know me. I don’t like going to school in the morning. I sure didn’t like the idea of going back at the end of the day. But we all agreed that this was important. We had to save the frozen lunch lady. We had to find the secret of YAWYE. And we had to get a taste of that special dessert Ms. LaGrange was hiding.

  So we went back to school.

  The side door near the vomitorium was open. We tiptoed inside. Nobody was around. We pretended we were secret agents. We snuck into the back of the kitchen.

  “There’s the freezer!” Ryan said.

  We made sure no grown-ups were around, and then we pulled open the door. The freezer was so big you could walk into it. We could see our breath.

  “This is cool,” I said, stepping inside.

  “It’s cooler than cool,” said Ryan. “It’s freezing!”

  It was dark in the freezer. I didn’t see any frozen lunch ladies or special desserts. There were just a bunch of big boxes.

  “Let’s get out of here,” Michael said. “This place is—”

  That’s when the door slammed shut. Everything went completely dark. We were stuck in there!

  8

  The Most Horrible, Terrible, Awful Thing in the History of the World

  We couldn’t see a thing! We didn’t know where the light switch was! We didn’t know where the door handle was! We were trapped!

  “Oh no!” said Michael.

  “How are we gonna get out?” Ryan asked. “School is closed! Everybody went home!”

  “We’re gonna turn into icicles!” said Michael.

  “My friend Billy told me about this ice man guy they found in Italy,” I said. “He was frozen solid for a thousand years.”

  “Help! Help!” we screamed. We pounded on the door with our fists.

  “Somebody help!” Ryan shouted. “We’re locked in the freezer!”

  We must have been in there for a million hundred minutes, when suddenly the door opened.

  Ms. LaGrange was standing there.

  “What are you boys doing in here?”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.

  “Bonjour,” I said. “We were looking for the boys’ bathroom.”

  “Well, this isn’t it,” she said. “Come out of there. You’ll freeze your tootsies off.”

  Ms. LaGrange was really nice. She made us hot chocolate and promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone we were sneaking around the freezer. And she made us promise we would never go near the freezer again.

  I thought that nothing could be worse than getting trapped in the freezer. But when I got home from school, the most horrible, terrible, awful thing in the history of the world happened.

  The mailman came. My mom went through the mail. She told me there was a envelope for me. I opened it up. There was a card inside. This is what it said….

  YOU ARE INVITED TO ANDREA’S

  BIRTHDAY PARTY!

  9

  Give Peas a Chance

  “I’m not going.”

  “You have to go.”

  Just my luck. My mother and Andrea’s mother are friends. They met when me and Andrea were in preschool together. They even play tennis with each other. So I would have to go to Andrea’s stupid birthday party.

  I looked at the invitation again.

  YOU ARE INVITED TO ANDREA’S

  BIRTHDAY PARTY!

  IT’S A TEA PARTY!

  A tea party? What kind of a dumb birthday party is that? Kids are supposed to have bowling parties or skating parties or movie parties. Who wants to go to a party and drink tea? I hate tea.

  The first thing I did when I got to school the next day was to find Andrea. She was at her cubby putting her backpack away.

  “I thought you said you weren’t going to invite me to your birthday party,” I whispered to her.

  “I didn’t want to invite you,” she said. “My mother made me.”

  “Well, I’m not going,” I said.

  “Good.”

  Ryan and Michael were goofing around by the water fountain.

  “Hey, are you guys going to Andrea’s tea party?” I asked.

  “What tea party?” asked Ryan.

  “I’d rather die,” Michael said. “Why, are you invited?”

  “Uh, no,” I lied. “I was just wondering.” I didn’t want Michael and Ryan to know Andrea invited me to her party.

  “So how did you know Andrea was having a tea party?” Michael asked.

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  If you’re ever stuck for an answer and you don’t know what to say, just say “I don’t know.” It works every time. Well, almost every time.

  “A.J., you were invited to Andrea’s party, weren’t you?” asked Ryan.

  “No.”

  “I saw you whispering to Andrea,” Michael said. “Hey, everybody, A.J.’s going to a tea party!”

  “I am not!”

  “Oooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea are in love!”

  “When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

  If those guys weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.

  Fortunately Miss Daisy clapped her hands to
shut everybody up. We pledged the allegiance, and then we learned some more about ancient Egypt. Miss Daisy asked if anybody figured out how they picked up those big rocks to build the pyramids. Nobody raised their hand. Then we worked on our “Welcome, Ella Mentry” banner until lunchtime.

  When I got to the front of the lunch line, Ms. LaGrange winked at me.

  “You look cold, Mister A.J.,” she said. “Like you’ve been in a freezer. How about some nice hot French peas and carrots to warm you up?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “Oh, come on,” she said, grabbing for her squirt bottle. “Give peas a chance.”

  Ms. LaGrange didn’t squirt me with her squirt bottle. She did something even weirder. She started singing!

  “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

  And then she sang it again, really loud.

  “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

  It was a really annoying song, but the next thing I knew, all the teachers joined in.

  “All we are saying, is give peas a chance.”

  Then the whole lunchroom was singing that stupid pea song! It was totally embarrassing. It almost made me want to eat some peas just to shut them up.

  “I’ll tell you what,” I said to Ms. LaGrange. “If I eat a pea, will you tell me what ‘YAWYE’ means?”

  She was thinking it over.

  “Just one pea?” she asked.

  “Yeah, one pea.”

  “Okay,” she agreed. “Let’s see you eat one pea, Mister A.J.”

  Everybody started cheering.

  Ms. LaGrange picked up a pea with a spoon. She held it up to my mouth.

  Everybody started clapping.

  I closed my eyes. I opened my mouth.

  Everybody started chanting, “A.J.! A.J.! A.J.!”