Foreign Affairs

by Patricia Scanlan

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want us to help, darling?’ Helen yawned.

  ‘Go to bed,’ Paula ordered.

  ‘I’ll have this place cleared up in a jiffy,’ Kieran declared, expertly stacking glasses on a tray.

  He washed. She dried. It only took them half an hour.

  ‘Sit down, I’ll make us a cup of coffee and then I’ll head off,’ Kieran said kindly. Paula was wilted at this stage so she made no demur. They sat together at the small kitchen table sipping their coffee.

  ‘You’re in love with Nick, aren’t you?’ Kieran said quietly.

  Paula nearly fell off her chair.

  ‘How did you know?’ She was so shocked she couldn’t even deny it. Was it so obvious?

  ‘I saw your face when he was kissing Helen. Don’t worry, I’m sure no-one else noticed. It’s just that I know what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you,’ he said sadly.

  ‘Oh Kieran.’ She stretched out her hand and took his. No-one understood better than she what he was experiencing.

  ‘Is it Tina? But she loves you. I’m sure if you tell her she’ll welcome you back with open arms.’

  Kieran looked at her. ‘How can you be so blind, Paula?’ he asked and there was a hint of anger in his voice.

  ‘What? . . . I don’t know what you mean. If it’s not Tina who is it?’ she asked, perplexed.

  ‘Oh for God’s sake, Paula!’ He stood up and stared down at her.

  ‘It’s you. I love you. I can’t help it. Just as you can’t help the way you feel about him, I can’t help the way I feel about you. I’ve wanted to say it for a long time but something held me back. I always knew there was someone. I didn’t realize it was Nick.’

  ‘Kieran . . . I . . . I don’t know what to say.’ She was stunned.

  ‘Don’t say anything. I think I’ve said enough for the two of us.’ Kieran frowned. He walked out into the hall and shrugged himself into his black leather jacket, pulled on his leather gauntlets and picked up his shiny black helmet.

  ‘You look like the Knight Rider,’ Paula said idiotically.

  ‘He always gets his woman,’ Kieran said drily. They stared at each other. Paula started to cry.

  ‘Don’t! Paula, I’m sorry. Don’t cry.’ Kieran put his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘I wish it could be different. I’d love to be in love with you.’

  ‘Maybe you could try,’ he murmured into her hair. He raised her face to his and kissed her lightly on the lips. ‘What a pair we are,’ he said wryly.

  Paula watched him leave. She felt unnerved. She couldn’t think about this now. It was too upsetting. She went back into the sitting-room and poured herself a brandy and brought it out to the kitchen. She knew she’d had enough to drink but she wanted to make herself feel woozy so that she would fall instantly asleep and not have to think about anything.

  She sipped the amber liquid, feeling it warm the inside of her stomach. Imagine Kieran being in love with her! And she’d never even suspected. Looking back, now that she knew, of course it was obvious. But Kieran had accused her of being blind and it was true. She had eyes for just one man. If only she wasn’t imprisoned by her love for Nick. Things might have been different. She didn’t want to be in love with Nick. She’d never asked to fall in love with him. How did you learn to unlove someone? Paula thought of Nick kissing Helen and started to cry. Maybe they were making love in her bed right now. She shouldn’t have invited them to stay the night. What kind of a masochist was she at all? She lowered her head on her arms and let the tears flow.

  ‘Paula? Paula, what’s wrong?’ Shocked, Paula raised her head and saw Nick standing in the doorway.

  ‘Oh Nick,’ she sobbed. ‘Oh Nick.’

  Chapter Eighty-Six

  ‘What is it?’ Nick asked, full of concern, putting his arms around her. Paula rested her cheek against his bare chest. He was barefoot and wearing only his trousers. She inhaled the male musky scent of him like a drowning woman gasping for air. She could hear the steady beat of his heart against her ear. The roughness of his chest hair against her cheek told her that this was no fantasy. After all the years of dreaming, this was real.

  ‘Hold me, Nick.’ She clung tightly to him.

  ‘Tell me what’s wrong. Is it Kieran? Did you have a row?’ Nick stared down at her, worried.

  Mutely, she shook her head. She just wanted to stand in the circle of his arms and never move. The same wonderful feeling of being utterly cherished that she’d felt so many years ago, when he’d comforted her because he’d thought she was upset over Barry, swept over her. Being in his arms was like coming home.

  ‘What is it, Paula? This isn’t like you at all. Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.’ He kissed the top of her head. ‘Tell me,’ he urged. ‘We’ve always looked out for one another. If you’re in trouble I want to know about it. Come on, Mrs Mops.’ His use of her nickname and the gentleness of his voice almost started her weeping again.

  Paula looked at him. He hadn’t changed much over the years. The lines around his mouth and eyes were more defined. His tawny hair was touched with grey. But he was still the same handsome, kind man she’d fallen in love with. Her gaze rested on his mouth. He had such an attractive mouth. She loved the firm determined jut of his jaw and the sexy cleft of his chin. More than anything in the world she wanted to be kissed by him. All the years of longing for him overwhelmed her. She couldn’t sustain the effort it took to fight her attraction to him. She had to know if she could make him want her, as she wanted him. She had to know if Nick could ever love her.

  Paula felt as if she was in a dream.

  ‘Nick,’ she said slowly, raising heavy eyes to his. ‘Haven’t you ever wondered what you and I would have been like?’ She put her arms around him and kissed him with all the longing and passion that had been buried deep inside her. Her hands caressed his chest, his shoulders, the strong column of his neck. She couldn’t get enough of him.

  Nick drew away in shock.

  ‘Paula! Jesus, this is madness!’ He stared at her in horror.

  ‘I love you, Nick. I always have. Don’t push me away.’ She was beyond caring. She took his hand and placed it in the opening of her dress on her breast and kissed him again, curving herself against him, wanting to feel his response. This time his arms tightened around her and his mouth opened against hers. She felt his tongue inside her. Felt his thumb caress her nipple until it hardened in desire. ‘Oh Nick,’ she breathed against his mouth as she felt his body respond. Paula felt fiercely triumphant. She’d aroused him. Just as she always knew she would. She deepened her kiss, tasting him, teasing him, desire flaming through her. He kissed her back hungrily, his tongue probing, demanding. His hands slid down over her hips, moulding her against his hard thrusting body. Paula arched against him, frantic for him, as he caressed the softness of her inner thigh, his fingers tracing paths of fire upwards towards the hot aching part of her that only he could satisfy.

  ‘Oh Nick! Nick . . .’ She almost couldn’t breathe. Her heart was pounding in her ears.

  ‘No!’ he said harshly. ‘No. Paula, this is wrong. What in the name of God am I doing?’ He held her away from him and stared at her, shock and anger in his eyes.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she pleaded. ‘I love you. I need you. Please don’t stop. Please, Nick, I want you inside me.’

  ‘Stop it! What about Helen? I won’t do this to Helen. I won’t let you do it. I love Helen.’ He gave her an angry shake.

  ‘You wanted me just now. You can’t deny that!’ Paula said desperately. ‘Just once, Nick. Make love to me just once. You’ve ruined other men for me. Kieran loves me but all I want is you. When I’m with other men all I think of is you. It’s driving me crazy. Don’t leave me like this.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear any more, Paula. Forget you’ve said all this.’

  She’d never seen him look so angry. It excited her.
<
br />   ‘You’re angry because now you’ll always be wondering what it would have been like, Nick, won’t you?’ She slid the zip of his fly down.

  ‘Let me,’ she said huskily and heard him give a little groan of pleasure as she touched him.

  ‘Oh, God,’ he muttered, his breathing ragged and uneven.

  ‘I want you, Nick. I want to give you pleasure like you’ve never had before,’ Paula whispered. She caressed and stroked him and heard his quickened breathing as she aroused him even more. ‘You want me as much as I want you. Nick, I’ll do anything you want—’

  ‘Stop it!’ His hand snaked down and grabbed her by the wrist. ‘Paula, have you lost your senses?’

  ‘Please, Nick,’ she begged. ‘I’ve wanted you ever since I was a teenager. I can’t stand it any more. I really love you.’

  ‘No! This isn’t right.’ His grip tightened around her wrist, hurting her. He stared down into her eyes. ‘It isn’t right,’ he repeated harshly.

  ‘It is. It is.’ Paula caressed his cheek and then the firm outline of his mouth.

  ‘Oh my God!’ she heard Helen exclaim. In a daze, Paula turned to see her aunt framed in the doorway.

  Chapter Eighty-Seven

  ‘Nick . . . Paula . . . What are you doing?’ Helen was white with shock. Paula sobered up instantly.

  ‘What do you mean, Helen?’ she said hastily. ‘Kieran and I had a row, I was crying. Nick was just giving me a cuddle.’ Nick, who had his back to Helen, had zipped up his fly.

  ‘Why were you looking at Nick like that? Why were you pleading with him? What’s going on?’ Helen stared from one to the other.

  ‘It’s all right, Helen, nothing’s going on,’ Nick said wearily. ‘Paula was tipsy and upset over her row with Kieran. I said I was going to call you and she asked me not to.’

  ‘I don’t believe you. I’m not a fool,’ Helen said frantically. ‘You looked as if you’d just been kissing.’

  ‘Helen, please. You’re wrong.’ Paula was sick with fright. ‘Kieran loves me . . . and I think I love him,’ she lied. ‘We just had a row because I wanted him to get a taxi instead of going home on the bike. I was worried and I told Nick and then I started to cry and he put his arms around me. That’s all there is to it. I can’t believe you’d think otherwise.’

  ‘I’m going to bed,’ Helen said shakily. ‘I was waiting for Nick to bring me in a glass of water.’

  ‘Here, I’ll get it for you,’ Paula offered. She poured her aunt a glass of water and handed it to her with shaking hands. Silently, Helen took it and walked out of the kitchen.

  Nick stared at her. ‘I hope you’re happy now,’ he said in disgust.

  ‘I’ll never be happy, Nick, as long as it’s my misfortune to be in love with you,’ she said bitterly.

  ‘You don’t know the meaning of the word,’ he snapped and walked out of the kitchen leaving her shaking.

  Helen lay in bed waiting for Nick. Her heart was thumping. Had she imagined it? Had Nick and Paula been embracing? What was wrong with her? she thought in disgust. Paula and Nick loved her. Why was she feeling so unsettled these past few months? It was the change. The hot flushes, the dryness, the edgy moods. It was a horrible feeling. She felt scared and unattractive. She felt middle-aged, like a different woman. She couldn’t blame Nick if he found Paula more attractive. She was young and vibrant and firm of body, not like her sagging stretch-marked aunt.

  Hot tears trickled silently down her cheeks. She’d made an awful fool of herself back there in the kitchen. Maybe she should go and apologize. Helen bit her lip in the dark. She had been imagining it, hadn’t she? Paula and Nick would never betray her.

  She heard Nick open the door. Helen lay in the dark trying to stop crying. He took off his trousers and got into bed beside her.

  ‘Are you all right, Helen?’ he asked tiredly. She was too choked up to answer. Nick turned and leaned on his elbow and looked down at her. ‘Stop crying, Helen.’ He gently caressed her cheek.

  ‘Do you love me still?’ She sobbed. ‘Do you find me attractive?’

  ‘Of course I love you. I’ll always love you. I’ll always find you attractive,’ Nick said vehemently. ‘Don’t ever doubt it, Helen.’

  ‘It’s just, lately I feel so peculiar. I feel tired all the time. I’m getting hot flushes. I think it’s the menopause,’ she wept. ‘I’m going to be a dried-up old prune.’

  ‘No you’re not,’ Nick soothed. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about this before? Don’t keep things to yourself, Helen. We’ll go to the doctor on Monday and get you seen to. Maybe she will give you some of those HTR things I’ve read about.’

  ‘HRT.’ Helen gave a shaky laugh.

  ‘Should I go and apologize to Paula?’ she asked hesitantly.

  ‘Paula’s had too much to drink, Helen. She’s probably asleep by now. Leave her be until the morning,’ Nick said gently. ‘Now let me put my arms around you and go to sleep, I’m not used to partying until the early hours.’

  ‘I love you, Nick,’ Helen murmured sleepily.

  ‘And I love you,’ she heard him say as his arms tightened around her. She had to believe it. Wanted desperately to believe it. Nick’s lips caressed her shoulder. ‘Go to sleep, Helen,’ he murmured. ‘We’ve an early start in the morning.’

  Helen lay in the reassuring circle of his arms and the tension eased out of her body. Nick was right. HRT might be just the thing for her. At least it would stop her thinking like a crazy woman . . . because she was crazy to think that Nick and Paula would ever betray her.

  Nick listened to Helen’s deep breathing and wished he could sleep. He lay in the darkness replaying what had occurred between him and Paula, over and over.

  She’d said she loved him. Said she’d always loved him. It was like a bolt from the blue. There’d always been a huge bond between them, he couldn’t deny that. They had a warm affectionate teasing relationship almost from the start when she’d come to housekeep for him, that had developed over the years into a love of sorts, he supposed. Not the sort of love Paula felt. She was very special and important to him, there was no denying it, but he’d never thought of her other than as Helen’s niece. He’d watched her growing up from a beautiful determined teenager to a beautiful successful young woman. He’d seen men come and go in her life. There’d been that PE teacher, and then the chap in Spain that she’d told Helen about. There’d been some mention of a Frenchman. Now Kieran was supposed to have told her he loved her. He could understand why men were attracted to Paula. She was beautiful.

  Nick groaned softly in the dark remembering her kisses. Her mouth had tasted like honey. Her body had been so sensual against his. Her breasts soft and firm and rounded. She wanted him. It was incredible. What did she find attractive about him? It wasn’t just that she’d been drunk. She meant every word she said. Her urgency, her passion had aroused him so that he’d forgotten everything except the desire to explore and caress and kiss her. No-one, not Eleanor, not Helen, or any of the women he’d been involved with, had ever kissed him with such hunger and desire as Paula had. He’d have to have been made of stone not to respond. It had been madness. At least he could comfort himself that he’d come to his senses even before Helen arrived. He wouldn’t have made love to Paula, he loved Helen too much. Or would he have? He’d wanted her. She’d aroused him very easily. The feel of her young firm urgent body had turned him on. He remembered the feel of her lovely breasts and the rush of pleasure and desire he’d experienced when Paula had touched him.

  She was right, Nick thought grimly. Now whenever he looked at her, he would always wonder what it would have been like. The thought aroused him even more. He wanted her now. He turned away from Helen.

  Oh Paula, he thought tiredly. Why me? You could have any man you desire. Why did you choose me?

  Paula undressed in the dark and got into one of the divans in the guest room. She had a blinding headache. She felt nauseous. She was still trembling after what had happened. Why had she d
one it? Why had she snapped after all these years of damping down her feelings and gritting her teeth and getting on with it?

  If only Nick hadn’t come in to the kitchen. If he hadn’t put his arms around her. Once he’d put his arms around her and she’d rested her cheek against the dark tangle of hair on his chest and felt his heartbeat beneath her, she was lost. And then when he’d responded to her kisses and she’d felt the firm pressure of his mouth on hers and felt his tongue tasting her, she’d wanted him so badly she couldn’t hold back. For those brief few moments Nick wanted her too. And then sanity came rushing back and he’d looked at her in disgust and told her to stop. He loved Helen. Even then, she’d begged him to make love to her. Begged him. Blood rushed to her cheeks at the memory. She had no pride. Just need. A need that had overpowered her so much that she had betrayed Helen and made Nick despise her. Now both of them were lost to her for ever.

  Paula buried her face in the pillow, too numb to cry.

  There was no sleep for her that night. She tossed and turned, frantic with grief and worry. What would she do if Helen wanted nothing to do with her? Had Helen believed her when she lied and said Nick was just comorting her? She’d never be able to look Nick in the face again. Maybe they wouldn’t let her see Nicola again. Her life was crumbling around her.

  Around eight-thirty the next morning Paula heard voices in the next bedroom. Helen and Nick were awake. She slipped into her dressing-gown and went down to the kitchen to put the kettle on for the tea. A movement at the door made her turn around. Her heart was thumping. It was Helen. She was already dressed.

  ‘Good morning,’ Paula said warily.

  ‘Hello,’ Helen said quietly. They looked at each other.

  ‘About last night—’

  ‘I’m sorry, Paula, I was tired and emotional,’ Helen said, embarrassed.