Shikasta

by Doris May Lessing Little Dorrit

  I said, I think it is all disgusting.

  She said, as humorous as you can get, Rachel, what is disgusting?

  I said, Olga, George is a person who sits in a room and think that if there are thirty people in it, then there are thirty intestines full of shit, thirty bladders full of pee, thirty noses full of snot, and three hundred pints of blood. So I suppose if he is in a cafe with Suzannah, with those fat boobs of hers hanging out, he is thinking, two intestines full of shit, two bladders full of pee, two noses of snot, two bodies full of sweat, and twenty pints of blood. Not to mention 700 million sperm and an egg. And an erection and a vagina.

  Olga sits down. She lights a cigarette. She leans back. She folds her arms. She sighs. She says, When did he say things like that? Getting at once to the point.

  He was... it was a long time ago.

  I daresay he might have added a dimension or two since then.

  Well, I can't stand it, I said to her. I can't stand life. That's the truth of it.

  I had half a thought that she would put her arms around me and comfort me. But although that is what I was wanting before she came in, when she was actually there I would have been ashamed if she had.

  She said: You do not have any alternative, Rachel. Because you can either stand it, or commit suicide. Or live in such a way that it is as good as committing suicide. And there is evidence to suggest - here she was being humorous the way Father is, she has caught it off him—there is evidence to suggest that there is hell to pay. Literally. But in any case we do not commit suicide. And the way she said this was different from anything I had ever heard from her, full of pride. Really grim. It was as if she had slapped me or flung me into freezing water. I suddenly saw her quite differently. I saw that she was a person. Not my mother. She had thought it all out. She had wanted to commit suicide. She would never commit suicide. On that night I grew up. Or so I would like to believe.

  I have been thinking about Olga's life. I have been trying to put myself in her place, always in camps full of refugees, dying people, starving people, people dying of diseases, babies dying. When I was with her in the epidemic that time I saw her crying over a room full of dying babies. No one else was there. She was very tired, that was why she was crying. Ever since I can remember, my mother has been working with people dying in one way or another. She is always in places where it is truly hell. Always. And that is true for my father too. I see that I am extremely childish.

  What I am writing now happened three nights ago. I could not write it down before, it was too difficult. Now I have thought about it. Very late I heard George come in. It was four in the morning. It was very hot. It was that time when night is still absolutely here but morning is here but you can't see it only feel it. Outside in the streets it was silent in that particular way. I would know any city I have been in by the silence at four in the morning. George had come in. I could hear him in his room. I went to his door and knocked. He did not answer. I went in. He was just slipping down his trousers and I saw him. Our family has never made a thing about nakedness, but what I was thinking was, That has been inside that awful cow. He turned his back, so I saw his buttocks and his back and he put on his pyjamas. Then he got into bed and lay down with his arms behind his head. George is very beautiful. But if he were ugly it would be the same. He was very tired. He wished I wasn't there. Exactly like my parents, affectionate and patient. He said to me, Rachel you aren't being kind. I was expecting him to say, Fair. When we use words like Fair, Olga and Simon always laugh and say we haven't stopped being British and childish. But he said Kind. So I said to him, I don't care, George. I don't understand. So he said, Well Rachel there isn't anything at all I can do.

  There I was standing at the door, and he was in bed and his eyes kept closing.

  He said, Rachel, what is it you want?

  At this I was slapped in the face again. Because of course I wanted him to say I hate Suzannah, she is a clumsy vulgar idiot. But he wouldn't in a hundred years.

  Sit down, he said.

  I sat on the bottom of the bed.

  I was expecting some illuminating remarks, I see that now, but of course his eyes kept closing.

  He did look so handsome. But he was so tired. And I started to think about his life. He never has slept more than three or four hours a night.

  I thought he was asleep. So I began to talk. I was talking to George. I said, It is absolutely intolerable, all of it, it is awful, it is ugly, it is disgusting, and life is absolutely unbearable.

  His chest rose and fell, rose and fell. I wanted to put my head down on it and go to sleep.

  He suddenly said, with his eyes closed, Well Rachel... I am listening. And he was asleep again. Absolutely gone. I stayed there a little, thinking he might wake up. But the light came in at the window. There were the dusty palm trees along the streets. The smell of dust. Hot. George slept and slept. I felt ashamed and angry and I went to bed.

  I have been thinking about Suzannah. Suzannah has been in George's life for nearly a year. That is a long time. I look back over a year and it seems forever. And I have grown up so much in that time. Suzannah comes to supper here a lot. She is very eager to please. She never takes her eyes off George. I am sorry for her. I did not realise that I am, until now. It is because she knows quite well she is not good enough for George. She wants to marry him. I once would have thought she was insane. But if George can sleep with Suzannah then he can marry her. I said to George, Are you going to many Suzannah? He said to me, My dear little sister! I hate that, it is what Benjamin calls me, and anyway, I am over sixteen now. But what about Suzannah, I said. She is twenty-three years old, he said. I was shocked to the spine when he said that. In the first place because she is so much older. And then because he thought it could make any difference to her. He said, She knows very well that marriage is not on my agenda. At this, I was shocked again. I can't remember George ever being stupid before. I said to him, George, Suzannah wants to marry you. She thinks of nothing else, day and night. He said to me, my little sister, you were born to be my tormentor, my hair shirt. At which he picked me up and whirled me around the room.

  This was in the living room. Benjamin came in at this point. He wanted to be part of it. The moment he came in, things were different, I mean, George whirling me about became a different sort of act, hostile and against me, and not friendly. Which it had been. I could feel George slowing down because he knew this too. Benjamin tried to join in the whirling about, as if I were a prize to be grabbed away. George set me down against the wall and stood in front of me. Benjamin kept dodging about in front of George because he wanted to throw me up and down and whirl me about. By then I was crying with rage. At the same time I was grateful to George.

  After a minute, Benjamin felt ridiculous and he went to sit down. Then George sat down.

  Rachel believes that I ought not to be sleeping with Suzannah, said George to Benjamin. I may say that this was quite serious. He had taken me seriously.

  Of course you should sleep with her. Fuck them all, I say, said Benjamin. The minute he had said it, we could both see he was sorry. He looked embarrassed.

  There sat Benjamin in one chair. Large, hairy, brown. Like a peasant. And George, thin and lithe and elegant. Both embarrassed. I stayed where I was, because 1 was afraid Benjamin would come after me.

  Well, little sister, said Benjamin, so you think George shouldn't be sleeping with Suzannah? But why not?

  I said, Oh sleep with anyone, who cares, I don't care, I used to think it matters, but I can see that it doesn't matter at all.

  I was crying so that tears were literally splashing on to the floor.

  George was looking at me. He kept looking at me. He was obviously unhappy. I was full of triumph because he was.

  George said, Well little sister, tell me, who should I sleep with?

  At which Benjamin said, Obviously, Rachel.

  Then nothing happened for a few moments. George looked shocked and amused. Both. Benjam
in was ashamed again.

  It was one of those times that I recognise more and more: you can see alternative scenes parallel to what is really happening. Because of Benjamin, what he was, I could see very clearly that I could fling myself across the room, and try to scratch his eyes out. Then George would get up, pick me up off Benjamin, and sit me down.

  That was Benjamin's scene. What he imposed.

  But George being there prevented this happening.

  Because George was there and looking as he did, I walked out and away from the wall and sat down by myself.

  This is a serious conversation, said George to Benjamin, and Benjamin shut up.

  So who should I sleep with? he asked me. I am a normal male. I shall not be marrying for five years.

  At this, both Benjamin and I were stopped in a different way. There was a long silence.

  I really want to know, said George. There are brothels by the hundred in this and any city. And of course there is chastity. There are a lot of girls who want to sleep with me. Suzannah is one.

  All this seemed to be so off the point, I could hardly believe it.

  And when you are finished with her? I said. What will she do when you marry?

  Good God, said Benjamin, listen to that! - He was acting the part of resigned astonishment. The eternal feminine - The absolute absoluteness, the ultimate ultimatum.

  Well go on little sister, said George, I want to know.

  She loves you, I said.

  She loves you, said Benjamin to George, as before.

  Yes she does, I said. It's funny you can't see it. Why can't you? Why are you like this? Why are you suddenly stupid? You are the most important thing that ever will happen to her.

  Well that's true enough, said Benjamin. Fake modesty will get you nowhere.

  For George was in fact looking quizzical.

  I said, You can marry fifty other women and she can marry some fat stupid speech-making politician, and she can be a big lady and make speeches and run around in a uniform, and you will still be the most important thing that ever happened or ever could happen.

  George was extremely embarrassed. He was red. I have never seen that before, with George.

  Benjamin for once was looking quite sensible, and even grown up.

  Benjamin said to George, She's right.

  George said, Well, so what am I supposed to do?

  Benjamin said, very dramatic, Trapped!

  I have been thinking.

  What I have concluded is this. You don't understand something until you see the results.

  What made me think about this is the Conference of Youth. When he said he was going I was sick. Later I heard he was the delegate for some Muslims, some Jews and some Christians. Well, there isn't anybody else who could do this. I don't know how he does. And he could have represented socialist groups and marxists and business groups. They asked him.

  I couldn't go to the Conference. I wasn't asked. How could I be when I never go near youth groups?

  Benjamin went. First he said he wouldn't go if it killed him, but he went, of course.

  I heard everything that happened. From Benjamin. But after he had finished I thought out what had happened from my own point of view.

  Benjamin says that George was ever such a success and the belle of the ball, and hinted that George spent the night with some woman. Suzannah wasn't there. I could ask him and he would tell me but I won't, never again.

  But since he came back, there have been messages all day, from everywhere. I am not going to list the countries because I can see there won't be an end to them. Because George went to that Conference in that way he can travel to anywhere now and be welcome. And various people have turned up at this flat and talked about George and what he said at the Conference. He was talking, they say. They mention particularly about his talking. And Benjamin said he "spouted" all night. If he spouted, then how could he have been with some woman? I said this to Benjamin and he said he never suggested George had done anything but talk.

  They keep turning up here, white, black, brown, pink, and green, day and night, day in and day out, and it is perfectly clear that they want to hear George talk. I have seen something. George talks as Hasan talks. George has caught it from Hasan. That is what I have seen. And I sit and listen and so does anyone else who is around. So do Olga and Simon. And so does Benjamin. He doesn't say a word. He can jeer as much as he likes afterwards, and sometimes he has no idea at all about what is going on but he listens like the rest of us. So as usual I have to say this: my feelings are one thing. But what I am thinking is quite another. As for what I understand when George is talking, then... but obviously there is no point in saying anything about that.

  From TAFTA, SUPREME LORD of SHIKASTA, to SUPREME SUPERVISORY LORD ZARLEM on SHAMMAT, Greetings.

  Submission, O Great One!

  Your instructions have been carried out!

  The Four National Areas have been tested.

  Head of Government One: Receiving our directive to tell the truth exactly, accurately, without concealment, to his subjects, he informed his council of ministers that this was his intention, because "it had come into his mind." He was at once incarcerated in a prison for the mentally deranged, and it has been given out to the subjects that he has resigned on grounds of ill health.

  Head of Government Two: This man, having just been "elected into power," took the first opportunity (a television appearance) of informing his subjects that conditions were much worse than he had imagined before actually taking office and becoming possessed of certain information that is available only to heads of government. He considered it his duty to inform them of this material, which ought not to be secret. In order to survive at all it would be necessary for them to face certain facts: these were the facts... When the television appearance was over, he was informed by the faction that had "put him into power" that he had lost their support. He has had to resign.

  Head of Government Three: This man, determined to tell the inhabitants of his geographical area (because of our promptings) certain facts that had been withheld from them, was assassinated by the military before he could do so: because of their total espionage cover, they knew of his determination at once.

  Head of Government Four: In the midst of a worse than usual crisis, he made hitherto inaccessible facts public and found no one believed him: there was such a gap between what they had been told and what he was telling them now. Becoming emotionally unstable with the effect of impressing the truth on them and finding over and over again this had no effect, he had a heart attack and died.

  These tests have proved that the planet is immune to truth.

  There is therefore nothing left to bar our progress.

  Excelsior! Glory to us! We have overcome!

  Submission, O Great One!

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  The PAN-EUROPE FEDERATION of SOCIALIST DEMOCRATIC-COMMUNIST PEOPLE'S DICTATORSHIPS for the PRESERVATION of PEACE.

  Integrated ALL-EUROPEAN SERVICES for the VIGILANT SUPERVISION of ENEMIES of the PEOPLE and the PREVENTION of CRIMES AGAINST the PEOPLE'S WILL.

  DEPARTMENT 15. (BRITAIN) TOP LEVEL. SECRET.

  To our Great Leader, All Hail! Our grateful thanks to Him whose Life guards us all with its fearless farsightedness in the Service of an unremitting advance into the future. Our homage to Him who stands like a bulwark between us and the forces of degeneracy. Words fail us when we think of His sacrifices in our Sacred Cause!

  [This was a report on seventy-four leaders who emerged from the youth movements or who retained influence from the past, who were not, that is, appointed by the ruling bureaucracy. The report was based on material supplied by spies and agents. It was begun just before the taking over of Europe by the Chinese and completed and in some cases rewritten by a Chinese official. We choose this particular document to exemplify the superior abilities of the new overlords. The choice of these three representatives is of course ours: neither the British official nor the Chinese offi
cial thought he was of particular interest and both laid greater emphasis on others. Archivists.]

  Benjamin Sherban. No. 24. What can we say about this decadent philistine whose filth pollutes the glorious struggle transforming the ownership of the means of production for the benefit of all the toilers of mankind. The lesson of such degenerates is that we have far to go to achieve total victory on the political and ideological fronts. We have to gird ourselves to wage a protracted and ever-hawk-eyed struggle against the reactionaries enslaved to the undertow of capitalist influences from the filthy past in order to mount the heights of true socialist achievement. This enemy of the people has impudently assumed so-called leadership of the Junior Youth of the Youth Movements of North Africa (Section III) and is openly challenging the will of the true fuglemen of the People. Under the false and patently transparent guise of speaking for the children (eight to twelve years) of those territories he imposed his vomit of subjective twaddle on their defenceless minds in contradiction to the true conclusions arrived at by the methods of comradely inner-Party discipline and the recommendation is that he should be arrested in the name of the People's Will when he attends the Pan-Youth Congress in the autumn. If this should prove impossible due to the contradictions of the existential situation then he should be ruthlessly exposed for what he is.