A Little Ray of Sunshine_A Christian Romance

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  “You should read her blog,” Hannah said after she’d given him the information. “I think you’d find it interesting.”

  “I will certainly do that,” Max said with a nod. “For you to be considering sharing your story with her, she must have had an impact on you.”

  Hannah nodded. “I really appreciate her take on current events, and even the most sensitive of subjects, she handles with care.”

  “I will let you know what she says.” Max hesitated, his brows drawing together briefly. “This is just you though, right? Or is Ryan going to be part of this interview too?”

  She quickly shook her head. “I talked with Ryan about it earlier, but he isn’t interested in doing an interview.”

  “Well, you should each only do what you feel comfortable with.”

  A short time later, people began to leave. Avery came by with her son, introducing him to Hannah and Jason before they said goodnight. Benjie took an immediate interest in the baby and talked to him while touching his hands. It was so neat to see, and it gave her hope that Jason could turn out to be a caring young man in spite of the circumstances of his birth.

  For a moment she was reminded of a young orphan boy who had been in a refugee camp where she’d spent some time. With no parents in the camp, he’d gravitated to Hannah, and, like Benjie, he’d interacted well with the other younger children in the camp. In that society with fairly clear gender roles, if he’d had a male relative, they might have objected to him spending his time with the women and younger children. Hannah had always been thankful for that orphaned boy’s presence because he’d been able to help calm the children while she’d been checking them over.

  She hadn’t thought of him for several months, and as she climbed the stairs to the nursery, Hannah felt a huge sense of sadness at not knowing what had happened to him once she’d been abducted.

  The nursery was still empty when she walked in as they’d pushed back the time of the nurse’s arrival from eight until nine. Hannah was finding it easier to stay awake a bit later, and she really wanted to do Jason’s nighttime routine herself. Like a mother should. She appreciated the uninterrupted sleep through the night since any effort expended during the day quickly wore her out, but if she could do something with regards to Jason’s care, she certainly wanted to.

  She managed to get him bathed and into his sleeper, then she settled into the rocker with the bottle she’d brought up from the kitchen and put in the warmer earlier. This was quickly becoming her favorite time of day. It was just her and Jason—which, someday soon, would be for real—when she was able to fully embrace her role as his mother.

  And for a little bit, she could pretend that she was just a mother. Not a former captive. Not a victim of sexual and physical assault. Not an abandoned child. She was just a mom…Jason’s mom.

  Hannah was just putting Jason into his crib when the nurse arrived. They talked for a few minutes in hushed tones before Hannah headed off to her room. She was trying to force herself to stay up a bit longer and chose to use the time to send an email to the women who’d sent the gifts with the men from BlackThorpe. Though she’d originally intended to write them each individually, she decided to send a joint email since she was going to say the exact same thing to each of them. And she reasoned that they had all signed one card, so she hoped they would understand.

  After the email was composed and sent, she debated taking a shower but found she just didn’t have the energy. She’d take one in the morning. Instead, she settled for brushing her teeth and washing her face before using some of the new lotion she’d received. Then after changing into her pajamas, she crawled beneath the warm comforter on her bed.

  Not too surprising, even though her body was ready to slide into sleep, her mind chose that moment to kick into high gear. As she lay there in that big comfortable bed, Hannah allowed herself to think about the other role her heart longed to have.

  For the first time since she was a teen, her heart yearned to know that she was special to even just one person. Back then, it hadn’t been about being special to a guy. She’d wanted a family. People who would surround her with love and unconditional acceptance. But that wasn’t to be. Even when she’d been in decent or good foster homes, it had never lasted very long because her mom would manage to get cleaned up enough for the social worker to decide that it was time for another attempt at family reunification.

  Having her back with her mom meant a spot was freed up in a foster home for another at-risk child. By the time the social worker had decided Hannah needed to be back in care, her spot in the good foster home would have been filled, and she’d be assigned to another one. So she’d learned early on not to make connections.

  But now she wanted a connection with Ryan. Something more than the obligation he most likely viewed her as. It wasn’t as if he would have left her behind in that cell. He would have done the same for any person who would have been captive with him. She wasn’t anyone special.

  Hannah swallowed hard at the rising tide of emotion that that truth brought with it. Someday she’d be special to Jason—hopefully—but she wanted someone to choose her. That out of all the people they’d met in their life, they would choose her to love above all others.

  All of this was coming to the fore now that she’d realized that it took a special man to engage her feelings. That what she’d thought was something wrong with her was just the way she was. But what a time to figure that out.

  What use was that knowledge if the special man her heart attached itself to didn’t seem inclined to feel the same way about her? Not that she could blame him. She was a mess—physically and emotionally—and she came with more baggage than was reasonable to expect a man to help her carry. She was scarred in ways she couldn’t hide. So if a man like Ryan could have any woman, why would he choose someone like her?

  But what if this was the only shot at love her heart was going to have? The only time when she felt moved out of her emotional apathy to actually feel something for a man?

  Even as her heart longed for Ryan to return her feelings, Hannah knew it was better that he didn’t. It would only make things more difficult for her because regardless of whether this was her one shot at love or not, she couldn’t—wouldn’t—inflict all her issues on Ryan. He deserved so much better than someone like her.

  Pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes, Hannah rolled onto her back. Earlier in her year of captivity, she’d had a lot of emotional moments. But in the months following Jason’s birth, her emotions had been muted. Whether that was from lack of nutrition or just a feeling of despair blanketing her life, she wasn’t sure. What she did know was that she hadn’t felt anything as intensely as she did at that moment in a very long time. If ever.

  She felt moisture seep from beneath her eyelids and hated herself for the weakness. It wouldn’t help anything to cry over it. It wouldn’t make the hurt go away any faster. She had to move beyond it in the way she’d moved past all hurts in the past…try not to think about it and focus on other things. Previously, it had been her schooling, then her jobs that she’d focused on. Now, it would be Jason and figuring out their future.

  As the pain crept over her, Hannah fell back on the things that had always brought her comfort. Her Bible verses and her hymns.

  As the darkness—an old friend—surrounded her, she murmured verses from a Psalm she’d memorized years ago. “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come to You. Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my trouble; incline Your ear to me; My heart is stricken and withered like grass. I lie awake and am like a sparrow alone on the housetop.”

  Though they weren’t the only verses in that chapter, they were ones she’d pieced together at one of the low points in her life. They were a reminder that it was okay to cry out to God about her heartache. That even though she didn’t expect things to change, it was a comfort to know that God would hear her words and the cry of her heart.

  Curling onto her side, she began to sing a hym
n that she’d only ever memorized the first verse of, but it was enough for her right then.

  Jesus is all the world to me,

  My life, my joy, my all;

  He is my strength from day to day,

  Without Him, I would fall.

  When I am sad, to Him I go,

  No other one can cheer me so;

  When I am sad, He makes me glad,

  He’s my Friend.

  Without thinking about it, she segued into another hymn that had also brought her much comfort.

  What a friend we have in Jesus,

  All our sins and griefs to bear.

  What a privilege to carry

  Everything to God in prayer.

  Oh, what peace we often forfeit,

  Oh, what needless pain we bear,

  All because we do not carry

  Everything to God in prayer.

  Are we weak and heavy-laden,

  Cumbered with a load of care?

  Precious Savior, still our refuge—

  Take it to the Lord in prayer.

  Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?

  Take it to the Lord in prayer.

  In His arms He’ll take and shield thee,

  Thou wilt find a solace there.

  In His arms He’ll take and shield me,

  I will find a solace there.

  Peace helped blunt the sharp edge of her pain enough that she could take deep breaths without feeling like her chest was being sliced open. And, as had often happened after reciting verses and singing her hymns, Hannah was finally able to fall asleep.

  Ryan stood with one hand braced beside the closed door of Hannah’s room. He’d been passing it on the way to his own room when he’d heard her begin to sing. Without even realizing what he was doing, he stopped and leaned close to the door, so he could hear more clearly.

  Though her voice was stronger than it had been when she’d sung in the cell in Afghanistan, it was no less filled with pain. He could hear it, even though the words and melody weren’t familiar to him. It wasn’t until she started the next hymn—one he did recognize—that he was reminded of why she sang. She’d told him at one point during their captivity that she sang for comfort and to remind herself that she wasn’t alone.

  Why did she still need to sing songs like that? They were safe now, and she was no longer alone. She had his whole family who was willing to be there for her in any way she needed. And he was there for her too. Just like he’d been in that cell.

  In His arms He’ll take and shield me,

  I will find a solace there.

  Ryan stood there for a moment, resting his forehead against his fist. He felt like he was failing Hannah. For some reason, he’d assumed that bringing her home and surrounding her with his family would be enough. Especially since, if she’d been released on her own, she might not have had that kind of support.

  He knew it wasn’t a matter of asking her what more did she want, but rather, what more did she need? The only problem was, Ryan had a feeling that even if he did ask, she was going to say she didn’t need anything.

  It was clear that they were approaching their situation in two different ways. He was willing to speak with a therapist, but he didn’t want to share his story publicly. Hannah, however, seemed more willing to speak out about her story but didn’t want to talk with a therapist.

  Though he would always respect what she felt was necessary for her own physical and mental health, it was hard not to feel that she’d benefit from therapy even more than he would. Somehow, he needed to figure out how to help her. She hadn’t gone through everything she had in captivity, only to not find a peaceful and happy life in freedom.

  Knowing that he didn’t have the answers right then, Ryan straightened and headed down the hallway to his own room. In the morning, he’d try to talk to her, but if she didn’t give him any indication of how to help her, he might have to seek advice from his mom and dad, and maybe Max.

  After a somewhat restless night, Ryan made his way downstairs the next morning, desperate for a cup or two of coffee. The smell of bacon and pancakes made his stomach growl even before he reached the kitchen. Tristan was at the counter, watching over a griddle full of pancakes, while Dalton was arguing with their mom about something to do with school and a project of some sort.

  Ryan tuned it all out as he made a beeline for the full pot of coffee. Taking a mug from the rack, he pulled the pot off the burner and poured the coffee into the cup. He took a sip, closing his eyes as the hot liquid slid down his throat. A look out his window earlier had shown that it was currently snowing outside, so even though he was indoors, he felt cold.

  Slowly but surely, the coffee helped chase that feeling away and replaced it with a sense of warmth.

  When he opened his eyes, he found Tristan staring at him with an arched brow. “Rough night?”

  Ryan took another sip as he sank down on the bar stool across the island counter from his brother. “You could say that. A bit of a restless one.”

  Tristan’s look turned to one of concern. “Something bothering you?”

  “Still not far enough out from Afghanistan,” he said. “Sometimes I wake up and think I’m back there. After that it can take me a bit to settle enough to fall back asleep.” He held up his mug and grinned. “But I think coffee will help.”

  “Coffee does help a lot of things,” Tristan said as he started to flip the first batch of pancakes. Once done, he reached into the cupboard and pulled down a stack of plates.

  Their dad opened the oven and took out the large cookie sheet that contained strips of bacon. The aroma of the bacon became even more intense, and Ryan wanted to reach out and snatch a piece off the pan. He refrained though because he knew that Tristan and the teens needed to leave so he would let them get their food first.

  “Want me to take over so you can eat?” Ryan offered after a couple more sips of coffee seemed to shoot some energy into his veins.

  “That would be great. Thanks,” Tristan said as he handed over the spatula when Ryan came around to his side of the counter. He grabbed a plate and forked a couple of pancakes from the stack on the platter onto his plate. After adding some bacon, Tristan took the seat Ryan had vacated. He bowed his head for a minute, then tucked into the food.

  Ryan continued to flip the pancakes as Danica and Dalton filled their plates and sat down at the breakfast nook. Soon Gabe and Maya showed up, and not long after, Hannah appeared with Jason and the nurse. They stood in the hall talking for a minute before the nurse smiled at Hannah then headed for the front door.

  Jason was chewing on his hand as Hannah came into the kitchen. The dark circles under her eyes were a clear indication that she hadn’t slept that great the night before either, but still she smiled as she said good morning to them all. Ryan just wasn’t sure if it was a genuine smile or a forced one.

  “There’s a bottle in the warmer,” his mom said as she walked into the kitchen. She gave Ryan a smile. “Morning, sweetheart.”

  Ryan leaned over to kiss her cheek when she walked past him. Hannah took the bottle from the warmer and settled at the breakfast nook with the teens. Ryan watched as she got Jason situated and started to feed him.

  “Flip the pancakes, or they’re gonna burn,” Tristan said, his voice holding a note of humor.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Though Ryan was tempted to glare at Tristan, instead, he focused on his job and managed to flip the pancakes, all without burning any. He listened as Gabe and Maya talked with Hannah and the teens, all the while removing the cooked pancakes and pouring more batter onto the griddle.

  Once the batter was gone and the last of the pancakes had finished cooking, he made up a plate for himself, adding some bacon. “Hannah, do you want some pancakes?”

  For a moment, it looked like she was going to refuse, but then she said, “Sure, but not as many as you have. Just one and some bacon, for now.”

  Ryan gave her one of the larger pancakes then added three slices
of bacon. When he set the plate in front of her, he asked, “What would you like to drink?”

  “Milk, please.”

  After putting his plate on the table beside Gabe, Ryan got a glass and poured milk into it then topped up his coffee mug. By the time he got back to the table, Jason had finished his bottle and was propped up on Hannah’s shoulder. When he gave a resounding burp, they all cheered, bringing a smile to Hannah’s face that actually looked genuine.

  She settled the baby into the high chair next to her then bowed her head before taking a bite of her pancakes. Though she ate slowly, Ryan was glad to see that she managed to eat everything on her plate—and unless he was wrong, it was the first time she’d done so. He had taken twice as much food and had managed to finish all of his as well, even though that left him feeling quite full.

  “What’s on the agenda for today?” his dad asked as he and Ryan’s mom joined them at the table.

  “I need to call the doctor to see if I should be going into his office for a follow up on my blood work.”

  “I think the pediatrician is coming out today to check Jason over and to maybe give him a shot or two since he’s doing so well,” Hannah said as she reached over and tickled Jason’s foot.

  “Do you need to go get any personal stuff, Hannah?” Maya asked. “If so, I can give you a ride to the store.”

  Hannah seemed to consider her offer for a moment before nodding. “Yes, I do have a few more things I need. I was out with Ryan and got some clothes, but each day it seems there are a few more random things I need.”

  “Let me know when’s good for you,” Maya said. “I’m in the office for the day, but we could go right after supper. Or for supper, if you’d like.”

  “I’ll see how things go with the doctor, and how Jason is feeling if he gets shots then I’ll let you know.”

  “You have my number, right?” Maya asked. When Hannah nodded, she said, “Just text me and let me know what you’d like to do. And if it doesn’t work for today, we can always plan a different time.”