Let Her Go

by Briana Pacheco

  When I pull up to Owen’s apartment building I call him to come down. Dressed in dark blue jeans and a white t-shirt, he winks at me before opening the passenger side door and sliding in. “Hey,” he starts, kissing my cheek quickly. “How’d it go?”

  “Mom is still…Mom. Dad doesn’t want me taking any more books. He wants them to stay so he doesn’t walk by an empty room.” I smile thinking of him; of the way he pulled me into a hug and held my head against his chest, telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me. He can’t wait to hear about my reaction when I see the house so he’s pretty excited. Sadness doesn’t consume him. Not the way it does with Mom.

  Owen slides his hand over my thigh and takes my hand into his. Bringing it up to his mouth, he places a gentle kiss on my knuckles. “Doesn’t he know those books are everything to you?” A soft smile graces his lips as his eyes lock onto mine. They slowly shift toward the backseat. “Did you take the signed ones?”

  I nod, squeezing his hand before driving down the street. “Those are my babies. I couldn’t leave them behind.” Man, I have a problem but it’s so worth it. Books are my life. Books and Owen. “Mom got us donuts so we don’t starve. Apparently the house has a lot of things I’ll get lost in.”

  “I bet,” Owen says, smirking.

  Gahh, I’m so excited!

  We make the seventeen minute drive to Kirkland in comfortable silence. The first thing I notice when I pull into the driveway is the pink cherry blossom tree planted on the front lawn surrounded with other young trees and shrubs.

  Instant heart eyes. I’m probably drooling too.

  I glance over at Owen, giving my shoulders a little shimmy. “This place looks insanely gorgeous. And I have a cherry blossom tree!”

  The light blue two-story house looks like something out of a magazine. My father never disappoints. We canvas the outside of the house first because the key is hiding under a flowerpot on the entertainment patio in the back. The house is surrounded with a white fence, giving me plenty of privacy.

  We head back to the front of the house, my eyes roaming up and down the beige columns leading toward the front door.

  Before I turn the key into the lock, I look over my shoulder to make sure Owen is right here with me. I’m opening the front door to my house. He must be here.

  “Ready?” I ask, taking a deep breath.

  Owen licks his lips and nods, taking a step beside me. “Let’s see what magic your parents created.”

  I turn the key, hearing the lock click and then I push the door open. Both of us step inside, and thank god for the sunlight streaming in through the windows, lighting up the house.

  Holy. Shit.

  “Wow.”

  My eyes take in the spacious living room first and then they slide over toward the kitchen quickly, calculating where the dining room will be. I’ve always loved open floor plans. Everything just seems bigger. And since there isn’t any furniture yet, the house looks humongous. I head toward the living room space. Beside the empty fireplace on both sides is built-in floor to ceiling bookshelves. I jog over to them and run my fingers over every shelf, imagining all the books that will fill them.

  Oh, how pretty you are…

  To my left is the window showing the front lawn, the beautiful cherry blossom tree still in full bloom on display. Underneath the windowpane are three empty blocks for more books.

  All my brain is processing is: more books, more books, more books.

  I’m. In. Love.

  I can see where everything will be; the couch, the TV, my books, and my little reading nook. Everything is clicking as I scour the room, and then I halt when I see the stairs leading up to the second floor.

  “Owen,” I whisper, dashing toward the staircase. “Look at this! Ohmygod!” There’s bookshelves built into the side of the stairs. My mouth drops open. I’m completely speechless.

  This house is gorgeous. The rich hardwood floors and the kitchen already make me question how much my parents spent. It wasn’t cheap. But those bookshelves…they’re everywhere! They are making my heart beat faster. There is just so much space.

  “Now this is awesome,” Owen comments, studying the staircase.

  “This is freaking amazing!” I clutch my chest and sigh. “There are more rooms down here. Come on!” I pull him down a long hallway (how big is this house?) and open a door. I don’t know why I choose this door instead of the other two I passed.

  It was calling me, I guess.

  Oh. My. God.

  I’m dead.

  This isn’t real.

  This room doesn’t have walls. It’s all bookshelves. And there’s another fireplace that is smaller than the one in the living room.

  “Holy shit.” I step further into the room and throw my head back, eyes roaming the second floor. Yes, the second floor of bookshelves. I find the staircase leading up and run upstairs, my fingers touching every inch.

  I giggle as I lean over the railing, watching Owen as he walks around the room. My library. “What do you think?”

  He looks up at me, a ghost of a smile on his perfect lips. “I think you’ll never leave this room.”

  “Come up here. There’s a door leading somewhere.”

  I want to run around this area, head back downstairs and then come back up. I have a two-story library in my house. And it’s not small.

  Owen climbs the stairs and we go through the door. It leads to a large room, which if I had to guess, is the master bedroom because I see the master bathroom across the room.

  “This has to be the greatest thing in my life.” The bedroom has a door leading to the second floor of my library, which also let’s me head down to the first floor.

  Owen was right. I don’t think I’d ever leave this room.

  Have you ever watched Beauty and the Beast? Did you see the library? That’s my house. Jesus Christ, my parents built me my own personal library.

  After swooning over one room, I enter the next and the process starts all over again. Because the next four bedrooms are just as amazing, but there’s not many bookshelves.

  The hallway has more shelves.

  Everywhere I look, there are bookshelves.

  And it’s making me want to bring every book I have over so I can start organizing them.

  Owen leaves me for a few minutes so he can grab the donuts from my car while I explore even more. He sneaks up behind me when I’m standing by a window in the last bedroom. “Hey,” he murmurs, holding out his hand. “I want to show you something.”

  I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and take his hand, following his lead. We pass by a walk-in closet to my right and all I can think about is filling that space with books if this bedroom never gets used.

  I can’t stop thinking about the future as Owen leads me past the other three bedrooms. I want to know if this house will be full of screaming children driving us insane or if books will be all I’ll have. My parents tried so many times but they only ended up with me. What if my future turns out the same way? I want a big family. I want little boys and girls of my own to shower them with love and show them that they are perfect.

  I want a family with Owen.

  We enter the master bedroom once again, and he stops in front of the door leading to my library. He doesn’t say anything, he only smiles.

  “What is it?” I ask, my eyes dancing over his face.

  He chuckles and then takes my hand and places it over the wooden doorframe, making sure my fingertips run over an engraving I hadn’t noticed.

  My brows furrow as I stand up on my tiptoes and I squint, trying to see what I’m feeling. When the letters are visible, my lips curl up and I abruptly turn toward Owen. “‘To infinity and beyond’ is engraved in the doorframe.”

  He nods like this is normal and I shouldn’t be surprised.

  “Owen!” I bring my hands up to his face and force him to look at me. “What did you do?” He smiles back at me, both of us smiling like fools.

  “I may
have helped with the library.” My jaw drops open. “I did promise you a library some day.”

  I kiss his face hard. And he laughs, pulling me into his arms.

  “I still have one more surprise.”

  Stop it. Seriously. First he makes me a book, and now he gives me a library. Who is this man?

  He opens the door leading to the library and we walk in, shutting the bedroom door behind us. He pulls out his phone and taps a few things and then my library turns dark as automatic blackout window blinds start covering the windows.

  He didn’t…he just…

  I catch a mischievous glint in his eyes before the room goes dark. His face is visible again when he does something else on his phone.

  And then he completely stuns me.

  My eyes widen as I look around, not believing what I’m seeing.

  My library turned into a forest. Trees are everywhere, and I can hear birds chirping in the distance.

  “Wen.” I grip his arm as I turn around in circles, bringing my hand out to touch the bookshelves. But I don’t feel the wooden shelves. Instead I feel a matte vinyl fabric.

  “Everything can be controlled through an app I created for you. The projector screens come down after the blinds. I still need to add a few more images to the program but the forest setting is complete.” His eyes shift over the railing, the corners crinkling as he smiles widely. “Look down.”

  I tear my eyes off of him reluctantly. And holy mother of God! I step closer to the railing, gasping.

  No words leave my mouth. I can’t think of anything. Absolutely nothing.

  I grab Owen’s hand and pull him down the stairs, stopping in the middle of the room.

  We’re standing on water.

  We’re standing in the Cedar Mill creek, here in my house.

  I burst into happy tears, collapsing against Owen’s chest.

  “Thank you. This…this is perfect.”

  He cups the side of my face, wiping away my tears. It’s not too bright in the room but I can still make out some of his features. His shimmery eyes hold mine before he leans forward, bringing his mouth down onto mine.

  I sigh against his lips, my love pouring into him.

  “I told your parents this room was mine to design. I’m guessing you like it?”

  “Wen, I love it. This is my favorite room in this house. I will never leave.” I look down at the still water beneath our feet. “How did you do all of this?”

  He points out all of the projectors strategically placed around the room. He tells me how he planned this for years, knowing my parents would gift me this house. He shows me the app he created, and he promises that in the future I’ll have more places to add to the program. He just needs to work on a few more things.

  He did all of this for me.

  First I received his unconditional love, then his book, and now this.

  “I love you,” I breathe.

  I assault his face with kisses until we’re play wrestling on the floor. He brings in the box of donuts and we spend the rest of the night christening the house.

  Our house.

  Because he will live here with me.

  After taking the last final of my senior year, I walk toward the quad and I do one final thing. I fist pump the air and shake my ass while laughing because Echo forced me into it and I’m not feeling embarrassed.

  My friends slow clap for me. And then I run into Owen’s arms, wrapping my legs around him tightly as he lifts me off the ground. “I did it. I’m pretty sure I aced it!”

  My friends finished their finals yesterday. They think they aced theirs too. While I was in NY I got all my assignments done and didn’t falter, letting me know that I’ll be graduating with them.

  “I’m so fucking proud of you,” Owen acknowledges, kissing my neck.

  I pull back just enough to cradle his face in my hands, and with the cheesiest smile I can muster, I say, “Move in with me.”

  His eyes smile at me. But his lips turn down a bit, and it makes my heart stop. He’s going to say no.

  “I already found a place, Zo. It’s three and a half miles away from your house.”

  Something along the lines of dread pools around the inside of my chest, and if I’m being honest, I don’t like that feeling.

  Owen holds me up with one arm while the other moves up between us, and he taps my nose. “I’m just kidding. Turn that frown upside down. I’ll move in with you. I thought it was already known. I love you, Zo.” I start to crack a smile. “But that feeling sucks, right?” He tilts his head down a bit, our gazes locking. “That’s what I felt when we moved here. I wanted you close and you wanted to be as far away from me as possible.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I had a lot of things to deal with at the time and I wasn’t thinking clearly.” I lean into him, resting my forehead against his. “I’ll never be far away from you again,” I promise. “You’re stuck with me.”

  He pecks my lips quickly. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” When he winks at me, I look away shyly. I still blush when he winks at me. Can you blame me? He’s freaking handsome and the stubble he’s rocking right now is hot.

  “Hey, lovebirds. We’re here too!” Freddie announces, stepping beside us. “Are we going to go celebrate or are you two going to just stand here?” He smirks at Owen when he huffs for being interrupted. Freddie means well. We’ve got to spend all the time we can get with these two because they’re ditching us once graduation happens.

  Then it’s just Owen and me.

  I unwrap my legs from around my best friend and sigh loudly when he sets me down on the ground. He takes my hand in his after Echo claims my other one. She winks at me and slaps my butt softly. “This is it, sweets. We’re finally done with college.”

  “It’s bittersweet,” I add. “I’d take another year if it meant being with you guys.”

  Freddie starts to walk backward, his eyes landing on mine. “We’re not dying. And I’m pretty sure we’ll all be back soon enough.” He places his hand over his chest, tapping it twice. “I’ll be the best man. You don’t even have to ask.”

  Echo starts to chuckle. “No pressure.”

  Owen shakes his head playfully, a wide grin splitting his lips. He squeezes my hand and kisses the side of my head as we start walking. “Calling you my wife is one of my many wishes I’m waiting to come true.”

  “Gahhhh!!!!!” Echo lets go of my hand and clutches her chest dramatically. “I’m dead. You two need to pop out some babies soon because this is finally fucking happening. And when I’m leaving?! You guys are assholes, you know that?” She rolls her eyes but the smile on her lips contradicts everything she’s saying. “I’ll miss you guys. Yes, even you, Owen.” She lets go of my hand and slips her arm around my neck, pulling me into her side. “When you finally get your tattoo colored in, I want to be there, okay?”

  I nod, squeezing her hip. “You will be.”

  I was supposed to go back to New York a few weeks ago to finish up what Darla started but I was too busy with school and enjoying all the time I had with my friends. I pushed back the date to the middle of June, that way I can graduate the week before and not have to worry about finals, packing or saying goodbye to the people I love.

  “I’m going to miss your little pussy,” Freddie states, biting his bottom lip. We all know he’s referring to Mowgli. “I kinda got used to his round face.”

  I disentangle myself from Owen and Echo’s grip and walk toward him, wrapping my arms around him. I never really hugged him before, we just always had this thing where we’d nod at each other while in the same room or I’d joke around and tell him to fuck off when he was teasing me. He is like a teddy bear. Whoever ends up with him will be lucky.

  “I’m going to miss you.” I feel his heart beating against the side of my face, the steady rhythm bringing a smile to my face. “When we’re in New York, we’ll visit. Mowgli will come too.”

  “That would be nice,” he comments, squeezing me a little ha
rder. And then his hands grip my hips and he lifts me up, throwing me over his shoulder like I weigh nothing. “I’m hungry and all these emotions are making it worse.”

  When he turns around, my eyes land on my two best friends. They’re laughing at something the other said, and it makes me happy. They’re back to liking each other. That moment of time where all the hate consumed us is over. There is only love now.

  Their eyes find mine and I smile wide as I bring my hands to my mouth, kissing my fingers and blowing them over to them.

  Freddie makes sure to hold onto me tightly.

  Echo blows back a few air kisses.

  Owen’s lips curl up and he winks at me.

  My soul is filled with love, laughter, and bright lights. My old therapist would be glad to know that I no longer say I have a tar-black soul.

  I’ve always been cared for.

  I was never not wanted.

  I am loved by people I would give my life for.

  As we get farther and farther away from the quad, I lift myself up as best as I can and I fist bump the air once again. Echo does the same so I don’t feel like a weirdo. Freddie whistles loudly, cheering me on. Owen captures this moment on his phone before adding a few whistles and fist bumps.

  This right here is the true moment I am set free.

  It’s a beautiful sunny day in June, and even though it’s starting to get a little hot, everyone wearing their black University of Washington cap and gown is too proud and excited to let the heat dampen their mood.

  When the last person steps off the stage and returns to their seat, we hear the famous last words, “We did it!” before we all stand and throw our caps up into the air.

  The person beside me pulls me into his chest and congratulates me. He adjusts his sunglasses before turning around and doing the same to the person on his left. I’m left trying not to tip over in my heels from that rough grab and go.

  My cap, or someone else’s with a white tassel, lands at my feet so I grab it and start to look around for my friends. We knew it’d be a little crazy today so we decided to meet up outside of Husky Stadium.

  We haven’t spent nearly enough time together these last few days. Between packing up the apartments and attending school ceremonies, we don’t have time. The English department celebrated with a small graduation ceremony in Meany Hall yesterday. I didn’t stay very long afterward because I never really did well in crowds but a few people left with me, offering up an invitation to join them at a bar. I accepted. Owen and the others were busy with their ceremony in Hec Edmondson Pavilion so we didn’t see each other until today, but only for a few minutes plus the car ride over.