Today was one of the days Alicia felt lonely. She was tossing and turning in bed, getting up every few minutes to go to the bathroom. Finally she decided to take a shower, throw her blazer on and head to work. When she first barged into the studio, she realized she was making too much noise. Her keys jingled in her hand, her chunky boots clicked against the hardwood and the floor creaked underneath her.
Alicia walked over to her desk and sat down in her chair. Suddenly she felt the adrenaline surge through her, so she put on her glasses and started going through the recordings she had on her laptop. She opened up Sandy’s folder and started playing her tracks. Sometimes, when no one was around, Alicia would play the woman’s music and just listen to it endlessly. Not to scrutinize it, not to edit it, just to listen. Her music seemed to flow so seamlessly that Alicia felt like, given the choice, she wouldn’t change anything at all. She had told Sandy, over and over again, how much she would love to see her sing an unplugged show somewhere in New York. Sandy didn’t think she could handle such a natural performance, so vulnerable, so raw. But Alicia knew she could do it, she just needed time to prepare. She put her headphones on, leaned her head back and listened.
Then she thought about Jeremy, how she would kill to call him right now. He was probably asleep, she thought. Rarely did he ever stay over at his own house, but recently he had been leaving work early to go home. Alicia wondered if he was seeing someone. After all, Jeremy was more secretive than he made himself out to be. All those questions were like white noise, distracting Alicia from the task at hand. Finally she took a real look at Sandy’s music, started scrutinizing it, editing it.
Sometimes, she wished she didn’t have to do all of that. She wished she could present just one track unedited, untouched, raw. “Maybe I can do that with someone new,” she said to herself. Suddenly she remembered Bobby, and what he had been telling her about hiring fresh voices. She knew he was right, and that she had to push the envelope. Harper Records was already so successful that Alicia didn’t feel the need to hire anyone new. But then she thought about Straub, how smug of a man he was, and where he ended up. Almost a year had gone by and the tabloids were still talking about him, pushing him farther down the labyrinth.
As Alicia went through her emails, she stumbled upon yet another one from the bank. “Shit,” she murmured under her breath. Dear Ms. Harper, we would like to inform you that you are late to your last bank installment, which was due April 4th of this month. Please be sure to stop by one of our branches within the coming 48 hours. The interest rate is now-
A chill traveled down Alicia’s spine. Dear bankers, she typed. Please stop breathing down my fucking neck about the loan. I don’t need to see five automated emails from you every day. Thank you.
Alicia erased everything and slammed the lid on her laptop closed. Suddenly Bobby’s idea didn’t sound so bad, after all. “What the hell?” Her phone lit up like somebody had heard her. Bobby’s name flashed brightly across her screen. “Hello? Bobby, how did you know I was awake?” she asked.
“I mean, if you weren’t you wouldn’t have picked up, right?” he said.
Alicia tried to suppress a laugh. “You’re probably the most annoying assistant I’ve ever had.”
“I know I am, which is why I’m going to ask you one more time: have you thought about what I told you?”
“Well, one of the reasons why I haven’t fired you yet is because you make sense most of the time,” Alicia sighed. “I have to admit, you were right. I kind of do need to get back out there and scout for new talents.”
“What did I tell you?”
Alicia could sense the arrogance in his voice, but she chose to ignore it. “It’s only because the bank won’t stop breathing down my neck about the loans.”
“No, it’s not just about that,” Bobby said. “It’s about the lack of expansion. This company needs to diversify itself if it wants to survive.”
Alicia tried to think of something witty to say but decided against it. Sometimes she felt like she had to watch out for Bobby, just in case he decided to knock her off her throne. “Yeah, you’re definitely right,” she snickered. “I’m working on Sandy’s music right now, but how about we start holding auditions starting, say, next week?”
“Sounds good,” Bobby said. “I have to go right now, but I’ll see you in the morning. I’m guessing you’ll still be working at your desk?”
“Most likely so. Um, someone’s at the door, I’ll call you later.” Alicia hung up and ran out of her office. She knew better than to open up for someone at this time of night, but something told her she shouldn’t be afraid. She was just a little surprised at the face smiling at her.
“Logan, hi,” she said. The scruffy-looking singer stood at her doorstep with his hands stuffed into his pockets. His rich golden brown hair fell effortlessly over his face. His eyebrows were strong and arched, his lashes thick and his eyes resembled a great body of water; they were deep, catastrophic, softly melting into a milky blue.
“Hey,” he said. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.” Alicia stood to a side and let him in. “What’s up?”
“Sorry, I know me showing up here this late at night is a bit … random,” he said, looking around the studio. Alicia closed the door behind him and followed him inside. “It’s just that there’s this song I’ve been itching to practice, so I thought I’d drop by.”
Alicia smiled. “How did you know I was here?”
“I didn’t. It’s just that I overheard you talking to Jeremy before about how much you like to work at night. I guess you can say I had a feeling.”
“Well, you were right,” Alicia said, sneaking into one of the recording rooms. “Here, the floor is yours.”
Logan picked up one of the guitars and threw it on. His eyes lingered on Alicia for a moment before he stepped into the recording booth and turned his mic on. “Are you recording this?” he asked. Alicia shook her head.
“Didn’t you say you just wanted to practice?” she asked.
“Didn’t you say you wanted to record some raw talent?”
Alicia narrowed her eyes at him. She didn’t remember sharing this with anyone, not even Logan. “How did you know I wanted to do that?”
“I think that by now you know I’m an eavesdropper.”
Alicia smiled and looked away. “You ready?”
“Yep.” The music burst forth like fireworks. It filled the room without effort, like the waves filling holes in beach sand; the sound rushing in and out of every corner of the studio. Logan looked at Alicia the way he looked over a crowd. His heart kept time with the beat of the music, which pumped through his veins as he lost himself in his performance. Eventually, he lost sense of everything except for the music.
To Alicia, the lyrics were like a wakeful dream. She felt like she was at a live show. It swirled in her head, making her fingers drum and her feet tap. She realized she didn’t even need to fidget with her mixer, and with that realization came a bigger one. Alicia hadn’t properly enjoyed a performance in a very, very long time. Most of the time she’d be staring down at her equipment, rather than looking at Logan. But this time, not only was she compelled to look at him, but she was compelled to listen. She soared with him and they ascended together in magical flight. Then, after the crescendo, they dived back down, until all that was left was the silence that was at the beginning.
“So, what do you think?”
“Stunning, absolutely stunning,” Alicia said, sliding to the edge of her seat. She stared at Logan as he put his guitar back in its case.
“Gonna try playing something on this baby,” he said, picking up a flute.
“Go for it.”
The music came quickly this time, like a call-note. Logan wasn’t amazing on flute. To Alicia, it was more amusing than anything. The music was like a pure male voice, calling out to its subject of interest.
“Go ahead, you can say it,” Logan chuckled.
“I mean, it’s interesting.”
“You’re holding back.”
“Alright, fine. It sounds like a mating call.”
Logan snickered and put the flute back in its case. He slumped down on the stool across from Alicia - the only thing separating them was the glass wall of the recording booth - and he glanced at her for a second before lighting a cigarette.
“Hey, no smoking in there,” she said.
“What are you gonna do about it?”
Alicia shot up from her seat. She looked at Logan for a second before she slumped back down and smiled to herself.
“Hey, Alicia,” he said. “Is everything okay? You’ve been a little … off lately.”
“I’m okay,” she said, trying to force a smile. Her cheek muscles trembled, as if fighting to fall down.
“No, you’re not,” Logan insisted. “You know how I found out? You’re still recording.”
Alicia smiled and hit pause on the recorder. Her thoughts were getting louder and louder; the silence was gnawing at her, tugging at her insides. She leaned her head back and stared at the ceiling. She could still feel Logan’s eyes on her, but she didn’t care. “I can almost see the smile on your face right now,” she said.
In his arrogant triumph, he smirked without letting Alicia see him. Just a small pouting of the lips, a narrowing of the eyes and a tilting of the head. “I’m not smiling,” he teased. “I just feel like you haven’t been on top of your game lately.”
“What d’you mean?” she asked. But she knew exactly what he meant.
“You know … you’re never really here anymore. I mean, you’re here now, obviously, but you’re not really …”
“Present?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly Alicia felt a lump rise in her throat. She wanted to talk about Gabriella, how their relationship had spiraled down into an abyss of anger and resentment. But it wasn’t the time for that, despite the darkness pouring in through the windows and the quietude and the handsome man sitting across from her with his head cocked in attention. “I don’t know,” she said finally. “I don’t know what’s been going on with me.”
“I do,” Logan said, getting up from his chair. “Maybe you just lost it.”
“Oh, I don’t think so.”
“You sure about that?”
“What d’you mean I 'lost it' anyway?”
“Well, you’re always in your head. You don’t make music half as often as you used to.”
“Since when did I make music that often, anyway? I’m a producer, James.”
“I know you are, but you started out as a musician. And an amazing one, too.”
“Well, maybe I’m just better off doing my thing over here,” she said, gesturing towards the mixer.
“Then I was right when I said you lost it,” Logan teased.
At that point Alicia didn’t really understand what he was doing. For some reason, she felt the need to prove herself to him. She shot up from her seat again and looked at him. His eyes were boring into her, inviting her to step inside.
“Move over,” she said, opening the door and stepping inside. “I’ll show you what I can still do.”
CHAPTER 5
The light seeped in through the windows of Alicia’s penthouse. They looked less like windows and more like storefronts; so high up with a view of the park. The birds traveled by, their chirping more soothing than anything. Ivy and ferns grew through the crevices of the stone walls, reaching down and dangling from the windows. The wind whistled through the trees, which swayed gently in the breeze. At its threshold stood a delicate marble fountain, the soft gurgling of the water melodic as it resonated in the silence. It was a big penthouse, perhaps too big for one person. Alicia found more comfort in her studio, with its padded walls and beanbags and low ceilings. Sometimes she regretted buying this home, but she tried to convince herself otherwise. She tried to convince herself that those grandiose walls would house her while she mourned the death of her relationship, that they would be a substitute for Gabriella’s arms. She was lying to herself.
Alicia jerked awake when she heard a violent knocking at her door. Her body felt as though it had floated to the surface of the ocean, and she found herself gasping for air. At first, she didn’t realize what was going on, and then the knocking turned into pounding. Every thought was in high definition. Her eyes took in every ray of light, and without a doubt she knew she had slept for too long. Though her eyes were open she couldn’t think of why her heart was beating like a jackhammer, as if a hypodermic of adrenaline had been emptied into her. She strained into the soft light while her breathing rate began to steady.
Finally, she got up and sat at the edge of her bed. Maybe if she waited long enough, whoever it was at the door would give up and leave. But the pounding continued. Alicia brushed the hair out of her eyes and hurried down the hall. Her feet thumped against the hardwood as she staggered downstairs. “Who is it?” she called out, but no one answered her. Finally, she turned the knob on her door.
Her heart fell to her knees when she saw Gabriella standing at her doorstep. “Hey,” she said. Her smile was a straight line, her eyes had lost their glimmer and her hair resembled a bird’s nest. She tugged at her jacket uncomfortably; Alicia mirrored her movements. The two women stood in front of each other like bottles waiting to explode.
“Hey,” Alicia said finally. “Come in.”
She turned around and headed for the TV room. Gabriella looked around the house; it was almost completely foreign to her with its high ceilings and big windows. Finally, she slumped down on one of the leather couches. Alicia sat down in front of her, unable to speak, her foot tapping up and down like some dumb windup toy. The couple sat knee-deep in silence for what felt like an eternity. Gabriella took in a deep breath and looked around the house.
“D’you want me to get you something to drink?” Alicia asked.
“No, no,” Gabriella shook her head. She crossed one leg over the other and looked out the window. Alicia asked herself why Gabriella was here in the first place.
“So, how’ve you been?” Gabriella broke the silence.
“I’ve been doing okay. How are you?” There was a pause. “How was the tour?”
“Oh, God. I don’t even know where to start,” Gabriella said suddenly. Alicia’s heart sank a little. “It was pretty wild. Lots of fans, lots of creeps, too.”
“Creeps?”
“Yeah, like stalkers. This one guy showed up outside my hotel room claiming to be a medium.”
Alicia forced a smile. “A medium?”
“Yeah, he asked if he could 'hold onto’ some pictures of my dead relatives so he could connect me with them.”
“Oh. How did that go?”
“Did you really think I would let that guy in?”
Oh, I don’t know about him. But did you let anyone else in? “No, I wouldn’t expect you to,” Alicia said.
Gabriella bit her lips apprehensively. She knew Alicia was waiting for an answer as to why she was here. Yet, she couldn’t help but be distracted by this house, how empty it was for Alicia to be living in it all by herself. She wondered if someone else was keeping her company. “So, how have you been?” she asked after an uncomfortable pause.
“Um, I’ve been good. But tell me more about the tour.”
“There’s nothing more to say, really. I’m just a bit overwhelmed by all the attention, that’s all.”
“It’s more than you’re used to.”
“Yeah. I keep Googling myself and reading tabloid stories about us, I mean, about me.”
Alicia’s mouth was drier than sandpaper. She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, waiting for this meeting to end. The air was so brittle it could snap, and even though Gabriella’s lips were moving, Alicia couldn’t hear what she was saying. Something must’ve changed about her, but Alicia didn’t know what it was. Maybe it was her hair; had she dyed it a shade or two darker?
Maybe it was her clothes; she never used to wear leather pants. Her makeup? Gabriella never used to wear makeup at all. And despite the winged liner, her eyes were still dead, and no matter how happy she tried to appear, Alicia knew she was miserable without her. Or at least, she hoped that she was.
All that talk about the tour was making her uneasy. Alicia couldn’t find it in her to go online and read what the tabloids were saying about her, because she knew what she would find. Different women going in and out of Gabriella’s hotel room, or at least presumed to be. Different men, maybe. Pictures of her dancing on tables, having a blast. It was all plastic, but Alicia couldn’t help but believe it. “Don’t read that shit,” she breathed. “It’s just going to drive you insane.”
“Oh, believe me, it already has.”
The silence filled the room like stale breath. Their words were like silly attempts to keep a conversation afloat, but it was sinking rapidly. Alicia just wanted to ask her straight up why she was here. She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out, so she peered over her shoulder at the orchid tree outside.
“So, how’s your dad?” Gabriella asked, breaking the silence.
“He’s alright. He calls me every now and then.”
“Does he ask about me?”
“Sometimes.”
“Do you answer?”
“There’s nothing much to say.”
Gabriella paused. “And work?”
“It’s okay … my assistant has been nagging me to hold auditions lately, I’m starting to think he’s right,” Alicia said. At that point she was just rambling, and she knew Gabriella was, too.
“Have you paid off the loans yet?” Gabriella asked.
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 3
