“Jeremy, I’m out here.” She threw her head back and squeezed her eyes shut. She knew she was in for a scolding.
Jeremy appeared in the doorway, a look of disappointment in his eyes. He leaned against the doorframe with his hands stuffed into his pockets. “So, what happened in there?”
“I don’t know.” Alicia continued to stare at the ceiling. Her hair cascaded down to the floor, spreading out over the hardwood like satin. “I’m sorry, I feel like I let you down.”
“You didn’t let me down, you let yourself down. These people were here to help you. We pay them to. And you totally blew that chance by checking your phone every two seconds!”
Alicia lifted her head up and looked at him. She batted her eyes, trying to hold back the tears. “I know, I know,” she said. “It’s just that …”
“Alicia, what’s wrong?” He got down on his knees and looked at her. “Something must’ve happened.”
“It’s Gabriella,” Alicia said finally. “Her dad is dying.”
“What? Her dad? I thought she didn’t talk to her dad.”
“She doesn’t. She got a voicemail from her sister while she was on tour telling her to come back home.”
“Did she talk to you about it?”
“She showed up at my door yesterday morning.” Alicia smiled weakly. She remembered the memory of Gabriella standing there, looking flustered as ever. “I was shocked. Just seeing her standing there made me realize how long it’s been.”
“So she showed up just to tell you about her dad?”
“Well, it wasn’t the first thing she mentioned. She spent quite some time beating around the bush, asking questions. I think she just wanted to know how I was.”
“And then she broke the news about her dad?”
Alicia nodded. “She was talking about how scared she was to see him after all those years. I told her not to be scared, that it doesn’t have to be this way.”
“Are you worried about her?”
“Of course I am, she’s the love of my life. I’m the love of her life.”
“How d’you know she hasn’t moved on?”
“She wouldn’t have shown up at my house if she had.”
Jeremy let out a sigh. “Alicia, if you really were worried about her, you would’ve called her by now. You know what I think this is? I think you’re just angry because she hasn’t called you.”
“Well, what if I am?”
“Is she obligated to?”
Alicia rolled over to her side and faced the window. “I guess not.”
CHAPTER 7
“Alicia? Alicia, are you even listening to me?” Gabriella asked, eyeing her girlfriend as she went through her iPad. Alicia took off her glasses and looked up at her.
“Gabriella, I’m emailing the bank. I need to go over there this week to finalize my installment plan.”
Gabriella sat down at the edge of her bed. She clutched the mattress with her hands, trying hard not to dig her nails into it. “Alicia, Harper Records is only two months old. You don’t even know who your clients are yet, and you’re already too busy to spend time with me!”
Alicia continued to type away at her iPad. She glanced up at Gabriella for a moment before she grumbled something under her breath. “Can you at least try to be more supportive?”
Gabriella turned to look at her. There was a fire in her eyes that nobody could extinguish, not even Alicia. “You think I’m not supportive?” she asked, her nostrils flared.
“Gabriella, I don’t mean it that way.”
“Oh, you didn’t mean it that way? You think all those nights helping you sort out your paperwork for the bank loan, all those times I listened to you go on and on about your company like it was your girlfriend, you think that meant nothing?” At that point she was fuming.
Alicia rolled out of bed. “Don’t you realize you’re being just a little bit unfair? It’s not like you’ve been going that one extra mile to spend time with me, either.”
Gabriella almost broke a nail on the mattress. She got up and turned around, like a monster that had just awakened from its sleep. “How about that time when I canceled all my meetings to be with you, Alicia? Have you ever done anything like that for me?” There was silence. “How about that time when Jeremy almost lost his shit because I stopped answering his calls the night before the tour? All I wanted to do was spend time with you without having to look at my phone every two seconds because I thought it would hurt your feelings. But apparently not.”
Alicia’s back was to Gabriella. She couldn’t even turn around to look at her. Ever since Harper Records opened, they had been fighting non-stop. And when they weren’t fighting, they were being passive aggressive towards each other; even worse, they were indifferent. The one thing Gabriella hated most was indifference. She hated it more than arguing, more than yelling, even more than throwing things around in a moment of anger. “You keep victimizing yourself, Gabriella. You never stop once to think about how I’m feeling.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Stressed out, distracted, in need of your support? This is not the time to guilt me for not putting in enough effort when I’m clearly putting in all that I have.”
“Are you directing all this 'effort' towards our relationship?” Gabriella asked, shooting up.
“No, it’s for our company. Bank loans don’t wait, Ella.”
“First of all, Harper Records is your company, Alicia, not mine. And second, who said I’m going to wait, either?”
Alicia’s heart dropped to her knees. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“How dare you place the blame on me when you’re gone most of the time? You’re never here, Gabriella. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for months! You’re always away on tour, but I never fucking tell you anything because it’s your job, just like producing is mine.”
“That’s different,” Gabriella snapped. “Because I constantly look for loopholes to hang out with you. I skip out on meetings, and when I don’t, I always show up late. I move my recording sessions, hell, I move my entire day around you. And what do you do? Nothing. Nothing to reciprocate what I do for you.”
Alicia buried her face in her hands. This wasn’t the first time she and Gabriella were having this conversation. Their fights were getting so redundant, so frustrating, that all she wanted to do was storm out of the house and never come back. It was hard, having an empty house all to herself. Alicia hated sleeping in an empty bed, she hated eating alone. There was a time when she and Gabriella were so intertwined that they did everything together; they woke up together, went to sleep together, they even showered together. “I’m doing my best,” she whispered through her teeth.
“Well then, so am I.” Gabriella ran around the room picking things up and throwing them into a purple suitcase. Alicia eyed her attentively.
“See, now you’re leaving me again,” she said, shaking her head from side to side. “Don’t you see how hypocritical you’re being? You accuse me of something and then you go ahead and do the exact same thing.”
“This isn’t the same thing,” Gabriella said, rolling her clothes up into balls and throwing them into the suitcase.
“You know what? Since we’re already arguing.” Alicia got up and walked over to Gabriella. She tried to dodge her, but she wouldn’t let her pass. “What about all those times I tried to talk to you about adopting? You know what you did? You avoided it. You know how much it meant to me, but you still avoided it.”
“See, now you’re just cherry-picking,” Gabriella said, narrowing her eyes at Alicia. “You’re just trying to make me look like the bad guy.”
“No, no. I’m just speaking up about the things I never had the guts to talk about because I was scared it would hurt you. But you’ve left me no choice, now, have you?”
“Fine!” Gabriella snapped. She threw what was left of her clothes and slumped down on the bed. �
�If you want to talk about it, then let’s talk about it!”
“Do you know how hurtful it is to feel that the woman you intend to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t want to have kids with you?” Anger boiled up in Alicia’s system, as hot as lava. It churned within, hungry for destruction. Gabriella looked at her like she was a stranger; instead of the fragile soul she loved for so long, she saw an enemy. Alicia couldn’t stand it, and she couldn’t stand talking to Gabriella about adoption, either. Her thoughts were a strange ocean to her. Should she speak of them? She saw the wandering begin in Gabriella’s eyes, her desire to flee the conversation written on her face. “I see kids running around the park all the time, and I always point it out to you. And you pretend not to hear me. Do you realize how awful that makes me feel?”
“Alicia, it’s not that I don’t want to have kids with you,” Gabriella said, sighing. “It’s just that … how d’you expect us to raise a child when you can’t get off the phone for long enough to have dinner?”
That was the breaking point of Alicia’s patience. At that moment, she was blinded by rage. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and stared at Gabriella. Her eyes were emotionless. For a second Alicia felt like she lost her. Why was she so worked up, anyway? Gabriella didn’t seem to care how she felt. Suddenly Alicia felt empty. There was silence in her soul, a chill to her blood, a coldness bringing the synapses of her brain to a standstill. It was pain, a pain she couldn’t endure. “So once again, this is my fault,” she hissed. “And you have nothing to do with it.”
“Alicia, we haven’t stopped for one second to think about our future together, let alone the future of another human being. What do you want us to do? Adopt a child just so we could become parents, and then make his or her life miserable?”
“If we raise them right, they won’t be miserable!” Alicia said, trying to hold back the tears. Her voice was trembling. A part of her felt like she was being attacked. There was no one to defend her in that room; she was on her own.
“Alicia, when we first met, what did I tell you? I don’t get people who bring kids to this world just so they could fulfill their own selfish desire to become parents.”
“Gabriella, just in case you haven’t noticed, we won’t be 'bringing' anyone to this world, we’ll be adopting a kid who needs a home, a family to take care of him and make him feel wanted.”
“And who said we’ll be able to do that?” Gabriella asked with her head cocked to the side. “Because by the looks of it, you and I don’t know the first thing about parenting.”
“So what? Lots of couples have kids, and they don’t know the first thing about parenting!”
“See, that’s just selfish. That’s exactly what I hate.” Gabriella zipped up her suitcase and just left it there next to the door. She paced the room frantically, trying not to catch Alicia’s gaze in the closet mirror. “It’s like you don’t even know me.”
“And it’s like you don’t even know me.” Alicia paused for a second, clearing her throat. “You know what, I’m gonna go outside for a smoke. I don’t think I can deal with this right now.”
“Fine, run away, like you always do.”
Alicia swallowed her words. She balled her hands up into loose fists and went out of the room, making her way downstairs and stumbling out into the yard. Even the yard she couldn’t stand. She slumped down on the sidewalk, lit a cigarette and just sat there, following the cars with her eyes. She wondered if Gabriella would come after her, if she would apologize, but as time dragged on, Alicia realized she was chasing pavements. She could hear Gabriella in the kitchen, moving about, washing the dishes, opening and closing the drapes.
Alicia took another drag from her cigarette. She wondered if Gabriella was right, if she really wasn’t ready to become a mom. Don’t listen to her, she thought to herself. My mom had me when she was nineteen, and I turned out just fine. Alicia let that thought marinate for a second before she shook her head in disapproval. No, never mind. I wouldn’t want my child to turn out like me. Maybe she wasn’t ready, after all. Or maybe Gabriella was just being manipulative.
“Hey, will you come back inside?” Gabriella asked, stepping out into the yard. “Alicia, come on.”
“You really hurt me,” Alicia said, her eyes fixated on the gravel. The ash of her cigarette sprinkled across the cement when she flicked the filter. She stared at it and with an effort, she leaned forward to crush it out. Gabriella slumped down on the sidewalk next to her.
“And you really hurt me with yours, too.”
“What did I say?” Alicia asked, pursing her lips. “Name one thing I did to hurt you.”
“Maybe we’re just not on the same page. I don’t know what we can do to fix it, but it doesn’t look like you’re making the effort to understand where I’m coming from.”
“So again, it’s my fault?” Alicia asked, turning to face Gabriella.
“Why are you getting so defensive? God.” The blonde got up and marched back inside.
“Woah, woah,” Alicia said, getting up. “You don’t get to say shit like that and then walk away. You want to talk things out? Come on, let’s talk it out!”
“You’re getting too aggressive, I can’t take it anymore,” Gabriella said, bolting up the stairs and grabbing her suitcase. “Alicia, please, get out of my way.” Gabriella tried to squeeze past her but was pushed back.
“Where d’you think you’re going?” Alicia asked with her arms folded across her chest.
“You’re gonna tell me where to go now? Come on, Alicia, I don’t have time for this.”
“You’re just gonna take your stuff and leave? Just like that?”
The two women locked eyes, and at that moment, Alicia saw nothing but a pair of icy daggers staring back at her. There was no trace of tears, not in her eyes or even tear marks on her reddening face. Her eyes were narrowed, rigid, and cold. Alicia drew in a deep breath; there was no stopping her from what she was about to do. In one swift move, she grabbed Gabriella’s suitcase and threw it down the stairs. It went tumbling down until it stopped at the very bottom. Somehow the zippers had come undone and Gabriella’s clothes were sprawled all around.
Alicia was left hyperventilating. Her heart felt like it would explode in her chest, her skin was clammy and her eyes were swelling up with tears. But they weren’t mournful tears; she was furious. Furious at Gabriella, furious at herself. She knew there was no turning back from what she did. “You know what,” she said. “Stay. I can’t spend another minute in this house.”
Alicia could feel Gabriella’s eyes on her as she limped down the stairs, grabbed her car keys and left. Gabriella was speechless. She stared after Alicia with wide eyes and an open mouth.
The air hit Alicia in the face as soon as she walked out, like it was giving her a scolding. Alicia got into her car and rested her forehead against the steering wheel. For a moment she couldn’t tell what had just happened. The past couple of minutes seemed to replay themselves in her head, over and over again, but it was blurry, like a faraway memory. In her mind’s eye Alicia could see herself bursting out in anger, throwing things around and bolting down the stairs. She could see Gabriella’s suitcase flying down the steps, as if moving through the air in slow motion. It landed with a loud thump, like the sound made by bones breaking. Alicia had no choice but to storm out, mainly because she was embarrassed.
She knew she had to head somewhere. Where was Gabriella intending on going with that suitcase, anyway? Finally, she turned the ignition and drove off, with no clear destination in mind. She thought about calling her dad, but she knew she was in for a lecture. “Nope, I can’t deal with that right now.”
The road seemed to drag on forever. Alicia’s hands were on the wheel, but something else was driving. Somehow she knew the way but not the destination. It was like she was being pulled in a certain direction, and she had no choice but to gravitate towards it.
Finally, she arrived at the cemetery. Once ag
ain, it was her mother. She was the one who was going to listen to her, and somehow the feedback was going to come gently, like a breeze. No scolding, no guilt-tripping. Alicia pulled over on the side of the road, popped her car door open and stepped out. The cemetery was totally empty, except for a couple of people wandering around aimlessly. She headed straight for her mother’s grave, it looked just like any other grave, but somehow she always seemed to recognize it. She forgot to bring flowers, but she knew her mother didn’t like them.
“Hey,” she whispered, slumping down in front of the slab of gray granite. “It’s me again.”
The wind whispered all around. “See, I just got into a fight with Gabriella, I don’t think I’m going back there anytime soon. I think she’s finally sick of me, and I’m sick of her.” No, I can’t say that. “But I am, I really am. Mom, I don’t feel good when I’m around her anymore. We’re always badgering each other about the smallest of things … is that what being married to someone feels like? Because if so, I’d rather not marry at all.”
Just hearing herself say those words made her sick to her stomach.
“But it’s not easy, mom. Gabriella’s the one I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. But then again, didn’t you think dad was the one, too?” Alicia could almost hear her mother rolling in her grave. Was she overstepping? Or was there no such thing? “I’m scared. Last week Gabriella and I sat across from each other at the dinner table; we never used to do that. Normally she would snuggle up next to me, or we would eat dinner in front of the TV. Now we just … live on leftovers. We don’t even cook together anymore.” She moved in closer to her mother’s grave. “There’s always this cold awkward space between us, mom. It lingers everywhere; at the dinner table, in the car, even when we’re asleep in the same bed. I’m tired.”
Alicia got on her knees and brought her hands together. “I don’t know where we went wrong, but something must’ve happened. With dad you already knew where the fault was, but what about me? Something must’ve happened to her, to us. Like a parasite, it sneaked its way into our relationship, and it won’t leave us alone.”
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 5
