CHAPTER 8
The train was late. Gabriella was left shivering on the platform with ten minutes of numbing quiet. She started picking at her hair nervously, trying not to think of what was to come. She could picture her dad asleep in his bed, his skin white as porcelain, his fingers not moving. She thought about what it would be like to sit down next to him and hold his hand; would he pull away? Or would he be too out of it to even move a finger?
A metallic shriek brought Gabriella out of her thoughts. She cringed at the sight of the carriage, all corroded iron and tacky upholstery. The doors reluctantly parted open with the force of a thousand men, as if gripped by age. Slowly, Gabriella carried her bags to the train, her legs shaking underneath her. She was endowed with the elbow room and a guaranteed window seat all to herself. No one traveled at that time of year, or maybe she just got lucky. She settled into her self-entitled throne, unraveling a pack of cream cheese and blueberry jam. Suddenly she was catapulted back to a simpler time, ten years ago. That blueberry jam was all she had for breakfast, all she took with her to school. Boy, did she feel nostalgic.
Suddenly the train took a plunge, inching forward at an excruciating pace. It rocked back and forth, its whining relentless and it's groaning louder than Gabriella could take. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back. She hadn’t slept all night. All she could think of was her family, how much she had missed them. Don’t kid yourself. You spent years without talking to them, you were doing just fine.
Gabriella’s eyes followed the road. It shifted from urban, to rural, and then to urban again. She took out her phone and stared at it. No missed calls. A part of her was hoping Alicia would call her, make sure she was okay. She thought about texting her but then decided against it. Whenever she thought about their day together, she regretted every second of it. She regretted letting her back into her life, only to be reminded of how indifferent she was. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop thinking about her family, how apprehensive they must be of her return.
Or was it just Haley? What if her dad wasn’t expecting her to show up at all? What if he didn’t want her to? A million thoughts were rushing through her head, and none of them were good. “Thanks,” she said, smiling at a woman in a white button-down blouse as she handed her a paper cup of coffee. Maybe that’ll help me stay awake. Gabriella sipped at the murky black liquid, flinching slightly at its bitter taste. But despite making a conscious effort to stay up, she found herself dozing off, until holding a half-full cup of coffee wasn’t an option anymore. She set it down on the tray table and, slowly but surely, she sank into sleep.
***
Gabriella woke up to the loud scream of the brakes. Her eyes shot open, like she had just woken up from a coma. People were rushing down the aisle and getting off the train. She jumped up from her seat and moved along with them, and before she knew it she was standing on the platform amidst a sea of people. For a while, she stood frozen, not sure where to go. This was her hometown, the place where she grew up, but everything looked different now. Gabriella thought about what it would’ve been like had she stayed. Which community college would she have graduated from? Who would’ve been her friends? Where would she have worked?
Shoulder after shoulder was bumping into her; she knew she had to get a move on. Things were looking weird. “Hey, I’m sorry, d’you know where the bus station is?” she asked a random passerby. But before the bearded man could say anything, it all came back to Gabriella. The orientation of the place, the mass of sweaty bodies moving to and from the train station. When she first got off it looked like everything had changed, but when she looked closely, she realized that every wall, every tile, every inch of the place was still the same. Her inner compass guided her towards the bus station, and when she finally got on, she felt an enormous sense of relief.
It was only until she arrived in her neighborhood did she start to tense up again. Staring out the window, she realized how much nothing had changed. Perhaps some people have repainted their homes, while others have moved out, leaving theirs to rot. But the general air of the countryside was still the same.
“Hey, is that Gabriella Tolken?” she heard someone say.
Oh, God, please let me get off this bus as soon as possible. But the whispers wouldn’t cease. For the first time in a long time, Gabriella was going out without a bodyguard to swat off the people circling her like flies. She had gone that extra mile to go undercover, wearing a pair of bedazzled sunglasses she would’ve never chosen to wear on a normal day. She had her hair up under a beanie so it bulged out all the wrong places, she wore a long plaid shirt and a pair of leopard print leggings. Her whole outfit was a hot mess, and just when she thought her mix-and-not-match skills would benefit her, it turned out they didn’t.
Ok I gotta get off here. Gabriella got up and, despite the people’s unusual stares, she managed to blend in with the passengers rolling down the aisle with their suitcases. The bus had dropped her off exactly in front of her house. “Wow,” she said to herself. If anything, it looked like a giant had sat on the roof, for it sagged terribly. The windows were gaping holes for the wind to rush in and out through, and the door hung on its hinges at a jaunty angle. Gabriella had to look twice to make sure that was it, and through the gaping holes of its windows she could see silhouettes moving about frantically. Were they preparing for her return?
She walked up the driveway until she was only a few steps away from the door. She held her fist up but somehow she couldn’t get herself to knock. Suddenly, the door swung open and there was Haley, looking at her like she had just seen a ghost. “I swear this isn’t what I wear on a daily basis,” were the first words to come out of Gabriella’s mouth. The next thing she knew she was getting pulled into a hug. She couldn’t see Haley’s face, but she could smell her. Gabriella couldn’t explain it, but Haley smelled of the same exact perfume she used to wear when she was fourteen.
“Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re here!” her sister said. She pulled away and looked at Gabriella. Tears were rolling down her cheeks, and suddenly Gabriella felt cold. She didn’t know if she was too overwhelmed, or just apprehensive. She looked around the house; the crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, covered in dust. The red velvet curtains were blocking out any light from entering and the stairs spiraled upwards until Gabriella couldn’t see them anymore. Finally, she locked eyes with her sister again.
“I’m in shock,” she said, wrapping her arms around Haley. She had curly blonde hair like hers, only shorter and messier. Gabriella caught hints of mermaid-green locks nested into her golden mane. “What did you do to your hair?” she asked with a smirk on her face.
“Oh, you’ve been gone for years and this is the first thing you notice?” the girl asked, raising an eyebrow at her sister.
“Listen, I’m-”
“No, no. I’m not guilt-tripping you or anything,” Haley said, shaking her head from side to side. Her hair moved across her shoulders swiftly like a lush satin curtain. “I can’t believe you’re here, though.”
“I can’t believe it, either. Um-”
“Did you face any problems getting here? Did the paparazzi follow you?”
“No, no. I was pretty careful. Some people on the bus were giving me weird looks, though.”
“I’m pretty sure it was your outfit, I mean, who in their right mind would even wear that?” Haley flashed Gabriella a coy smile. Suddenly she didn’t feel cold anymore. Her defenses were just paper, and before she could draw in the air, her body melted into Haley’s form. She could feel her torso and the heart that beat within. Her hands were folded around her back, drawing her in closer. Gabriella’s body shook, crying for the missed time she would never get back, sobbing to release the tension of all those years. Finally, she pulled back again and ran her fingers through Haley’s hair, as if she couldn’t believe she wasn’t part of a dream.
“I’ve missed you, I’ve missed you so much,” she whispered. “When
I left you were in school … you had acne, and a retainer at the back of your teeth. Show me, d’you still have that retainer?”
Haley’s hand flew to her mouth. “Not anymore,” she said. Suddenly Gabriella heard a sound. Her mother’s face came from the shadows, her soft features suspended between grief and joy. Gabriella looked at her, her brain trying to take her in, struggling to comprehend that this really was her. Not a picture, not an illusion, but her.
“Mom,” Gabriella’s voice trailed off. Her mother scooped her up into a bear hug. She hadn’t felt that way in years. In a way it felt like time had stopped, that nothing had changed, that she hadn’t left at all.
“How’s my superstar?” her mother whispered into her ear. “I see she finally made time to come and visit!”
Gabriella pulled her head away. She stared at her mother for a second before she burst into tears again. When she finally calmed down, she took in a deep breath and let it out through her teeth. “Where is he?”
***
“Dad?” Haley said, popping her head in through the inched open door. Gabriella couldn’t see anything, but her father’s feet sticking out the end of the bed. They looked skinny, frail. Her mother stepped in first, like a lioness walking into the lion’s den. Gabriella peered inside. She had one leg out the door, but when she felt a tug at her shirt, she stepped inside.
“Hey, dad.” She raised her eyes to her father. He was lying flat on his back, his eyes not moving. They just stared straight at her. He had a fringe of white hair around his balding scalp, lines on his forehead and listless eyes just watching, not telling. Gabriella moved in closer.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Gabriella stumbled a few steps back. The man sat up and stared at her, his eyes looking as though they would pop out of their sockets. His wrinkled face crumpled and his mouth formed into an O-shape.
“Dad, it’s me, Gabriella.” Her voice was shaking.
“Martha, what’s she doing here?” His eyes jumped straight to his wife.
“She’s here to see you.”
“I told her that you’re not feeling well,” Haley said, her hands clasped together.
“Why would you do that?” he spat. “I thought I made it clear … she’s dead to me.”
“Why are you talking about me like I’m not even here?” Gabriella asked, shaking her head frantically. “I’m here to see you!”
“Oh, yeah? You’re here to see me? Or are you just here to see me one last time, huh? One last time before your old man falls off his perch!” He flashed Gabriella’s mom a toothy grin. “Is that it, Martha? Is your daughter here to give her father one last hurrah before he bites the dust?”
“Dad, it’s not like that.”
“I’m not talking to you!”
There was absolute stillness. Not a sound could be heard either close at hand or in the far off distance. Even Gabriella’s own breath seemed to die as soon as it escaped her mouth. She felt like the prey although no predator was detected, or perhaps, the predator was her bed-bound father. “Dad, please. Just let me sit down beside you,” she said, moving in closer to him.
“Stay where you are!” he snapped. “I don’t want you coming into my house.”
“Please.”
“Get out!” he spat. “You’re no daughter of mine! I don’t even recognize the thing you’ve become!”
“The thing?” Gabriella anger burns inside her. “You still can’t accept me for who I am, can you? After all these years?”
“Accept you? After all you’ve done?” He tried to throw his feet off the side of the bed but couldn’t. He squeezed his eyes shut and fell back, squirming like a worm in the mud.
“Dad, just calm down!” Haley said. “Please, just let her stay. She came all the way over here-”
“Well she shouldn’t have gone through the trouble. I don’t know who she is anymore, but she’s not my daughter.”
“But it’s been so long!”
“You said it yourself. She had no problem being away from us all those years. She shouldn’t have a problem now. Martha, I want her out!”
Gabriella’s heart was beating fast. She turned around slowly and squeezed past her mother, who tried to stop her.
“Let her go! Tell her to go back to her girlfriend!”
“Gabriella, Gabriella!” Haley called after her, following her sister out into the yard.
“Please, don’t,” she said. “I don’t want to go back in there.”
“Just give him time,” her mother said, jogging towards her. “He just needs to get used to you being around the house.”
“But I’m not a pet, mom. He clearly doesn’t want me around.” Gabriella fell to her knees and started heaving. “This is just like last time.” Only it felt worse. Gabriella had nothing to look forward to anymore. The first time she left the house, she snickered on her way out. There was no one to control her, no one to tell her how to live her life. But she wasn’t laughing now. Her heart wasn’t as young. She looked up and her sister was staring at her, her eyes filled with tears.
“I just want you to come back,” she said, her voice trembling.
“It’s okay, Haley. Let’s all just go back inside,” their mother said, reaching her hand out to Gabriella. She looked up at her for a moment before she slowly rose to her feet.
“I don’t know if I want to go back there,” she mumbled.
“You didn’t come all the way over here to turn your back on us now,” her mother said, folding both arms across her chest. “Or do you want to leave again, just like you did last time?”
“No, mom,” Gabriella said, shaking her head from side to side. “I’m not, I’m not going anywhere. I just need to know one thing,” She paused for a moment, clearing her throat. “What is it?”
“What is what?”
“You know … the disease.”
“It’s lung cancer,” Haley said, her eyes fixated on the gravel.
“How did you … how did you find out?” Gabriella asked, marching slowly across the yard. Haley didn’t answer.
“Around a month ago he started coughing up blood. We didn’t know what it was until it got so bad we needed to see a doctor.” There was a pause. “But your dad was so reluctant. You know how he hates doctors.” It seemed to Gabriella that she was trying hard to keep it together. “I couldn’t even believe it at first, but then I remembered your father has a history of lung cancer in the family.”
“And he smokes like a chimney.”
“Yeah.”
Gabriella took her mother’s hand. Haley lingered far behind, tears dripping down her cheeks. Finally, Gabriella went back into the house, which smelled of curry and nutmeg. She tiptoed across the room, finally settling down on a big black velvet couch in front of her father’s room. His door was slightly ajar, she knew he could see her. “Martha!”
Gabriella watched as her mother scurried into his room. She could hear the pair whispering before her father called out to Haley. She hurried inside and in her haste, slammed the door behind her. “I want that girl out!”
Gabriella cocked her head to the side and listened.
“I don’t understand why you’re so stubborn about this. This girl isn’t my daughter, my daughter is dead. Do you hear me?”
“What do you want her to do? I’m not sending her home, and that’s my final call.”
“You don’t want to fulfill a dead man’s wish?” Gabriella’s body shuddered at those words.
“Well, if that dead man’s wish is to never see his daughter again, then no. Gabriella’s not going anywhere.” Suddenly her mother stormed out. “Honey-”
“Don’t,” Gabriella said, rising to her feet. She could hear her dad mumbling, but she decided to ignore it. “I’m going up to my room.” Without saying another word, the blonde disappeared up the spiral set of stairs.
“Wow, I haven’t heard her say those words since she was in high school,” her mothe
r said to herself.
Gabriella walked into her old room. The walls were a deep, pulsing red that had faded over time. They were sprinkled with posters, mostly of her favorite bands. Her comforter was pulled over her bed; it was clean and fluffy-looking. Was Haley sleeping in her bed? A desk sat in one corner, littered with scrunched up pieces of paper. A few shelves were pushed against the walls and filled with books, the books that she used to read. Some books were on the floor. The room smelled of Haley’s perfume, Gabriella even noticed she had changed a few things. A Childish Gambino poster hung above her bed. Gabriella never used to listen to Childish Gambino.
“I started sleeping in your room a couple of months ago.” Suddenly Haley appeared in the doorway. “Every time I went on YouTube your music videos would pop up in my recommendations. I used to avoid watching them, until I saw you on the news.”
Gabriella spun around on her heel. “Oh. And then what?”
“And then I started to miss you again. Sleeping in your bed was my only comfort.”
“I’m so sorry I put you through this,” Gabriella said, her voice boiling down to a whisper. Suddenly the guilt was starting to eat at her. “Haley, could you leave me alone for a bit? I’m sorry, I just don’t feel so good.”
The girl nodded and slowly retreated. Gabriella tried to hold it in, but eventually she burst out crying. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. She sobbed into her hands and the tears dripped between her fingers, raining down onto the carpeted floor. She was noisy, but there was no one there to witness it, let alone come to comfort her. Fire of shame and anger burned just under her skin and a deep emptiness filled her heart; had she just lost everything?
CHAPTER 9
Alicia searched through her drawer until she found the USB she had been looking for. She plugged it into her computer and just sat there, her eyes roaming the studio. She had been putting off listening to those demos for so long, that it started to feel ridiculous. She turned off the lights to set the ambiance, leaned back in her chair, put on her headphones and closed her eyes. Maybe then, she could focus. As she listened, her mind couldn’t help but wander elsewhere. It kept going back to Gabriella, and what she was up to these days. But before she could get too lost in her thoughts, there was a knock at the door. “Yep?” she said.
Just For You: A lesbian romance (Play Me a Song Book 3) Page 6
